Very Lefreak

by Rachel Cohn

“Yes, lassie?” the captain said. A real Aargh! kind of fellow, just as Very had hoped.

  “Do you know where Camp Hoochinoo is?” Very asked.

  “‘Course I do. My granddaughter goes there. We’re just about to pass it on the port side.”

  “Huh?”

  “Look over to your left.”

  Very looked over her left shoulder, imagining the right girl over there.

  “Someone you’re looking for?” Captain Aargh! asked. “That’s a pretty intent stare you’ve got going in that direction. Are you sure you’re on the right boat?”

  “Nope,” Very said.

  “What’s thataway?” The captain gestured port side.

  “It’s not what,” Very said. “It’s who. But it’s hopeless.”

  “How do you know? Did you try?”

  Very remembered now her first day visiting at Jones’s house, when she was ready to bolt from ESCAPE, to break all the rules—when she felt her most defeated. But something about what Jones had said that day had inspired Very to at least try to try. And she had. And it had worked. Kind of. She’d made it through the program. Felt better. Wanted to tackle her problems head-on. Until she’d abruptly thrown in the towel. Because she got scared of something real.

  Hello, Fear. Let’s meet head-on.

  If Very was going to try to try … hell, she’d try. Not be a mover, or a shaker, or a doer, but a trier. That could be her label. Forget about Very LeFreak. Now she could be Very LeTry. Why not?

  Very said, “Do you think the small boat that dropped us off at this boat could be called back into service?”

  “You want to go back to the cove where we picked you up?” Captain Aargh! asked.

  “Not exactly,” Very said.

  The captain looked doubtful, then seemed to analyze Very’s face, as if trying to gauge the seriousness of her intention. Finally he said, “All right. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a pretty girl.” He radioed a crew member to report upstairs for a new mission. “But this will cost,” the captain told Very.

  “Put it on Vikram’s tab,” Very said. Really, she’d be saving Vikram money with the new navigating coordinates she was about to lay out. The cost of the alimony he’d have to pay her otherwise would be stratospheric. He’d thank her one day for this discounted adventure plan. “And could I ask you another favor?”

  “What’s that?” Captain Aargh! said.

  “May I please borrow your phone to send a text message? And could I borrow five dollars?”

  “That’s two more favors, not one.”

  Very smiled sweetly. Sincerely sincerely. “Please?”

  The captain handed her his phone. He reached for his wallet, but first asked, “When do you plan to pay me back the five dollars?”

  “Probably never,” Very said.

  The captain handed her a five-dollar bill. “I like honesty,” he said.

  CHAPTER 36

  Reliable as always, Lavinia awaited Very on the dock at Camp Hoochie’s canoe port. She’d set up a torchlight on the beach behind the dock for the powerboat carrying Very to find her.

  But Lavinia didn’t seem happy to see Very. She didn’t offer to help Very jump from the boat to the dock, she didn’t say “hi” or even “bye” to the guy on the powerboat who’d shuttled Very to the dock, and she didn’t throw herself into Very’s arms and exclaim, “At last, my darling! I knew you’d come for me! I knew that amazing kiss wasn’t just my imagination!” Instead, Lavinia glared at the powerboat speeding off into the distance as it left her alone with Very on the dock. She sat down on the dock, her legs dangling over the lake, and crossed her arms over her chest. “What the hell, Very?” she asked.

  Very sat herself down next to Lavinia, but not too close—not yet.

  “Aren’t you happy to see me?”

  Lavinia said, “It’s midnight. I had to get someone to cover my bunk at the last minute so I could come find you here. I thought you weren’t supposed to be sending text messages and stuff like that again until you were officially released from the program. Which, I gather from your text message and sudden arrival here now, did not happen. What now? Have you decided you need to throw an epic party here, too, and you’d like to try to get me fired from my job in the process?”

  “I wanted to talk to you,” Very said quietly. Humbled. Scared. Had she gone from one bad scenario to an even worse one?

  Try to try, she reminded herself.

  Lavinia said, “So why all the James Bond action? Sending me a message from a forbidden device, getting dropped off in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, all so you could talk to me? Wouldn’t a simple phone call have been easier?”

  Her tone was angry, but—Very could feel it—there was hope. Very felt an undercurrent from Lavinia messaging Very that despite her hostile affectation, Lavinia was maybe—maybe—also a little flattered by the dramatic display of effort.

  That was it! Shazam! Lavinia had been at the bottom of Pandora’s box all along.

  Lavinia was hope.

  Very said, “What I have to say had to be said in person. And it couldn’t wait.”

  “Why?” Lavinia asked.

  Very took a deep breath, then let it out. “I love you, Jennifer.”

  Very had always imagined that when she finally spoke those words to the special someone in her life, she’d be looking that person directly in the eyes, perhaps holding her hand. Certainly she wouldn’t be sitting next to that person, not touching her, not even looking at her, but looking straight ahead to a lake instead, which wouldn’t be so rude as to reflect back rejection.

  Very heard Lavinia, and not the lake, answer back, “What about that guy I saw you with the other night? How can you even say such a thing to me when—”

  Very interrupted her. “He was a mistake. Vikram was … he was the Wizard of Oz. He was a part of the journey to lead me back to what was always there. But in the end, he was a mirage. It’s you who are the end of the yellow brick road.”

  Lavinia said, laughing, “Please, stop being so gay. You’re making me sick.”

  Very, too, laughed. She inched her pinkie finger over, and over, until yes, it was touching Lavinia’s.

  Lavinia let the pinkie-finger action happen, but did not return it, nor look at Very.

  “Why me?” Lavinia asked. “Why now?”

  Very turned herself to face Lavinia. She reached for Lavinia’s whole hand. “You because you are the kindest, most generous person I’ve ever known. You make me want to try to be a better person. Because there’s no one I enjoy being around more than you, even when you’re making me pay for rehab with my own money. Because you make pies for people going to flash mobs that you don’t approve of but you go along with because you’re such a loyal friend. Because you snore so loudly when you sleep it’s almost deafening, but you also giggle in your sleep, like you’re having the best dream ever; adorable. Because you work so hard, and inspire me to have even a fraction of your dedication. Lavinia … you because you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known, inside and outside. You do realize you’re totally hot, don’t you?”

  Lavinia turned now to sit opposite Very. She let Very stroke her hand, but still she did not speak, or look up to meet Very’s gaze. Maybe the corners of her mouth curved into an almost-smile. Maybe.

  Very continued, “Why now? Because I might be a little bit getting my shit together. It’s not about me wanting you to take care of me. I know my life is a mess. I know I made that happen. But I want to straighten things out. On my own. I’m gonna go live at my aunt’s again in New Haven. Withdraw from Columbia for the time being. I was in way over my head there. Couldn’t handle the academic or financial pressure. I think I’d like to chill for a while, get to know my aunt a little better, maybe try to help her out in her old age, or something? I’ll get a job, and work to pay off my debts, and try to take some classes to keep earning credits until I figure out the next step, and try to make my amends, and …”

  Now Lavinia lo
oked up to meet Very’s gaze. She placed her hands on Very’s cheeks. “Really?” Lavinia said.

  “Yes,” Very said. “Really.”

  “That’s a good plan for you.”

  Oh dear. Very’s heart had skipped at Lavinia’s touch, but now she realized—Lavinia was only commending her plans. She wasn’t giving her heart over to Very.

  “I know I’m a total fuck-up,” Very ventured. “But if you’re taking applications for a girlfriend, I’d like to apply. I’ll work really hard, and put in really long hours, and—”

  Lavinia shook her head, laughing. Unfortunately, she also returned her hands to her own lap. “I don’t think this is such a good idea,” she said. “You and me.”

  “Because of Monster?” Very asked.

  “Who?”

  “That girl. Whatshername.”

  “Whatshername’s name is Annie. And she’s training to be a firefighter, Very. She’s going to save people’s lives and homes one day. I’d hardly call Annie a monster.”

  Lavinia was just so impossible. Why couldn’t she just admit it already? “But isn’t it me you’d rather kiss?” Very demanded.

  Lavinia wouldn’t answer.

  Very pulled the five-dollar bill from her pocket. “I have that five dollars I owe you.”

  Lavinia reached for it. “Cool—”

  Very snapped the five-dollar bill away. “You have to earn it.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “If you can kiss me now, and then tell me it means nothing, and really mean it, I’ll give you your five dollars.”

  “That’s not a fair deal.”

  “Who said anything about fair?”

  Lavinia sighed. “You’re making this very difficult. But if that’s what it takes …” She leaned in to Very, but with a confidence that suggested she was going to win this bet.

  Not likely.

  Very touched her fingertips to either side of Lavinia’s face, softly scratching her fingernails along Lavinia’s cheekbones. Good grief, even Lavinia’s cheeks were perfect. Very turned her head, parted her lips … and waited. Lavinia needed to do the work this time.

  Lavinia’s mouth found hers, and this time it was Very who let it happen. The kiss started delicately, almost politely, but—aha!—it was Lavinia’s tongue that seemed to want to find Very’s, Lavinia’s lips that wanted to lull Very’s into the most exquisite dance ever, Lavinia’s hands that reached to pull Very’s face closer to her own, Lavinia who seemed to be sucking the very air from Very’s throat.

  Their mouths finally disengaged to take a breath.

  Lavinia stroked Very’s hair back and then rested her forehead against Very’s.

  “I want my five dollars,” Lavinia said.

  No way.

  Lavinia waited. When Very didn’t offer it, Lavinia reached into Very’s pocket and plucked the five-dollar bill from it, and then placed it into her own pocket.

  “Now the slate is clean.” She pressed her lips closer again. “Gawd help me, but you know I can never resist you. You’ve got the job, Veronica.”

  CHAPTER 37

  Lavinia preferred to play by the rules.

  She wasn’t going to start apologizing for that now.

  In the first place, counselors were not allowed to have overnight guests on camp grounds. Therefore, Lavinia made Very spend the night on the dock, since the dock hovered over the lake, and Lavinia didn’t think the camp actually owned that part of the lake, so technically, no rule would be broken if Very camped out there for the night. Mercifully, Lavinia was kind enough to retrieve a sleeping bag from the nearby boathouse for Very to sleep in. Sweetly, the sleeping bag fit two, and Lavinia shared it with Very.

  But in the second place, although the moonlight and the lake and the snuggling up in a sleeping bag could be considered conducive to further merrymaking, Lavinia was not a girl who’d go there so soon, even with an official declaration of love from her true love. She’d lock lips with Very, and let Very hold her, and let Very stroke her hair and nuzzle kisses onto her neck, and talk with Very through the night, under the stars, but that’s as far as it would go.

  “I’m not ready to operate on Very speed,” Lavinia told Very before their kissing went too far.

  “I am not ready for Very speed,” Very acknowledged.

  She wouldn’t mind kissing Lavinia forever and ever. Very couldn’t believe how lucky she was, to get to hold this beautiful creature for herself. They didn’t spoon-cuddle, but lay through the night face-to-face, breast-to-breast, leg-to-leg, ankles intertwined. All that boner-cuddling before—that had just been a sham. It was Lavinia who was the right fit.

  But the fairy-tale night had to end, with dawn rising, and marking the time for the one rule Lavinia was willing to break.

  If she drove Very back to ESCAPE, Very would have to check back in through security; there was no safe way to reenter the grounds from the road unnoticed, and of course if Very was noticed, her night away, and all the many violations of ESCAPE policies that had gone along with it, would cause Very to lose her graduation status that day. She’d be letting down Aunt Esther and Keisha. She’d lose her chance to even hope to one day be readmitted to Columbia.

  The only solution was for Very to return to ESCAPE the way she’d left it—by boat. And so Lavinia—master camp counselor, many-badged former Girl Scout, Columbia crew girl extraordinaire—canoed Very back to base camp. But Very didn’t direct their boat all the way back to the secret cove; she chose a landing spot not quite as far away, at the other end of ESCAPE, so Lavinia would have less paddling back to Camp Hoochie.

  They stepped out of the canoe to say their goodbyes, and to share one last kiss.

  “Guess what?” Lavinia said, pulling away as Very tried to go in for one last last kiss. “I think you’re getting some company today. I forgot to tell you last night with all the other stuff going on. But I got a message from Jean-Wayne. Guess who’s checking into ESCAPE as you depart?”

  “Beautiful!” Very exclaimed, stretching her arms out in a V-shape.

  Very gave her girl one last last last kiss and watched as Lavinia stepped back into the canoe and paddled away.

  Very wanted to scream I LOVE YOU! to Lavinia riding off into the sunrise, but she also didn’t want to wake Jones, whose house was so close to Very’s landing point.

  Very started the journey back to her cabin, careful not to ruffle bushes or step too hard across the grass. The distance back to her cabin wasn’t that far, but it felt like miles, a vast space of land Very had to successfully cross, quietly, without dancing and shouting to the world My life is a mess and I don’t care! I love the best girl in the world! I’m leaving here today to return to freaking New Haven, where I can’t wait to bedazzle with my elderly aunt and probably get a job at Target or something! How’s that for an Ivy League dropout? Envy my glamorous LeFreak life, why don’t you!

  The path was short but felt so long, so Very decided to conquer the distance by planning what she’d do for Jean-Wayne’s arrival, to distract her attention away from the fear of being caught. She decided she’d make J.-W. a list of the places where the Dreams dropouts had left stashes of green eyeliner. She’d make him a list of the best nights to try for kitchen duty:

  Mondays were the worst (mashed potatoes—peeling so many potatoes was hell on the hands); Wednesdays were okay (somehow Hump Day made other kitchen workers more amenable to sing-along dishwashing games); and Saturdays were the best (strawberry shortcake night equaled yummiest leftovers). She’d leave him a needlepoint pattern he could stitch for himself. It would say: Try to try.

  “Going somewhere?” Jones asked.

  Very stopped her delicate tiptoe back to her cabin to see Jones standing in front of her on the path to his house. Geez, it was only, like, six in the morning. Why was he awake? Very noticed the pipe in his mouth. Oh, that’s why. He was wearing a woman’s pink satin robe over his flannel pajama bottoms. That was weird. Very hadn’t pegged Jones for that type.

  What c
ould she say to him now? She was totally busted.

  So Very didn’t say anything. She just stood there, like the guilty trespasser she was. But as she stood there, she noticed a woman walking past the window inside Jones’s house, wearing nothing but a pink camisole that surely matched Jones’s robe. Very almost threw up in her mouth. The camisole was worn by Dr. Killjoy. It and its owner walked up the stairs inside the house and out of Very’s—and Jones’s—line of vision.

  So now who was busted?

  Jones looked at Very. Very looked at Jones. Who’d give first?

  “Carry on,” Jones finally said.

  “As you were,” Very said.

  They nodded to each other, a silent pact acknowledging the sanctity of their secrets.

  Very took off in a sprint toward her cabin. Never had she been so excited to return to that dump. It was hard to believe she’d spent nearly a month there, a month of stultifying boredom along with some decent moments, but essentially a time when nothing exciting happened. But then, within the last forty-eight hours, Very had fallen in love with her best friend, broken free from ESCAPE, almost eloped with El Virus, and claimed Lavinia for her own, for real. And when she left ESCAPE today, she’d leave it for a whole new world of trouble.

  Perfect.

  Very stopped her run, wheezing and aching. She leaned over to rest for a moment and catch her breath. Good Lord, she really needed to try to try to get into better shape. Lavinia had probably paddled herself all the way back to Camp Hoochie by now, and Very could barely manage this short sprint to her cabin.

  No matter.

  Very stood back up, took a deep breath, and then resumed her run, no matter how much it hurt.

  She was halfway there, wherever there was.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  This book evolved out of another novel, my first, that I completed in 1996, about an online bon vivant who has to dry out from technology. This was before the proliferation of cell phones, so long ago that people used dial-up to go online. (I just heard Very gasp.) Although that original novel was never published, I’d like to thank all the members of that long-ago writing workshop group in San Francisco who were so instrumental in helping me finish it, especially our great teacher and friend Lewis Buzbee.