by Robin Roseau
“No.”
“Are you offended?”
“No.”
“Well then.”
“Are you always like this?”
“No,” Mary said. “The first word people use about me is usually ‘sweet’. Selena brings out something in me, and protecting my friends brings out something else.”
“Your partner said something similar about herself.”
“Sweet isn’t the first word people use about Selena. It’s number four or five. And it didn’t used to be, but playful and cheerful seem to be edging to the front.”
“Your influence?”
“No. Things here at work got a lot better about a year and a half ago, and it’s showing in nearly everyone.”
“What happened a year and a half ago?”
“Tara addressed the office politics in a very decisive way,” I said. “I’m still working out a few adjustments in my own personality. Mary is helping me.”
“I’ve become a little more decisive,” Mary said. “But you should know that Nan and the other people Selena dated before me did more for her than I have.”
“But we’re not remotely done,” I said, reaching over and taking her hand. Mary kissed my fingers.
Fan watched this then said, “Would you be this demonstrative in my home?”
“I don’t know,” Mary said. “But we wouldn’t hide who we were. Did you just offer an invitation?”
“No, but I was about to. I would like the two of you to come to dinner.”
Mary looked at me, and we exchanged a look. And then I said, “If Nan were to invite us to dinner on your behalf, we would love to attend.”
Fan nodded. “And before that, you will facilitate a meeting with my daughter?”
“Yes, but you’ll speak English, and the meeting ends if we think you’re attempting to browbeat her,” I said.
“Our mothers are ready to adopt her,” Mary added. “They’re making arrangements to visit.”
“Do you mean that literally, a formal adoption?”
“No,” I said. “Well, I suppose it could happen, but I think it would be symbolic.”
Fan stood up. “I need a few more days. When you come to dinner, holding hands is perfectly acceptable, but I would rather you didn’t do something strictly with the intention of being shocking.”
Mary and I also stood, and then Mary said, “That kiss wasn’t for the purpose of shocking you. That kiss was because I thought it was better you saw it now, here, with us, and get used to the idea, in case you ever walk in and find your daughter doing the same thing.”
“You thought of all of that in a split second?”
“Maybe not formally, but yes. Selena was thinking about it, but when it comes to relationships, she defers to the woman with a degree in psychology.”
Fan looked back and forth between us. “I find it likely this is a better relationship for you, Selena, than the one with my daughter.”
“That isn’t a fair statement,” Mary said. “You’re the only reason Selena was even available by the time I worked up the courage to ask her out. She and Nan would have been head over heels with each other, and they would have been very, very good together. I’m different, but it’s not a matter of better or worse, only different.”
Fan nodded. “All right.”
We all turned to the door. And then, in the hallway, Nan came face-to-face with her mother. The two froze, then, without a word, Nan turned around and began walking away.
“Nan,” Fan said. Nan kept going. “I’m trying.” Nan stopped and turned her head. Then Fan said something in Mandarin. Nan paused only a moment and then took off, running this time.
“Go after her,” Mary said. “I’ll see Fan out.”
I took off.
* * * *
I found Nan in the bathroom, staring in the mirror and clearly trying not to cry. She turned to me, and I wrapped my arms around her. I held her for a minute and then said, “This might work out. But if it doesn’t, it will still work out. You have a new family now. Our mothers are ready to adopt you.” She gave a little sob, and I wrapped more tightly.
She got herself under control then turned away. She spent a few minutes seeing to her appearance then turned back to me, looking me in the eye. “Thank you.”
“I’m going to tell you something, and you’re going to listen.” She nodded. “You’re going to be okay. You’re going to have a good life. You have good friends. You’re going to let Mary and me take care of you a little longer, but you don’t need too much help. Here’s what you’re not going to do. You’re not going to crawl back. You’re not going to capitulate. You’re not going to marry someone you don’t want to marry, just to please your mother. Promise me.”
“I promise,” she whispered.
“Either she accepts you for who you are, and she accepts her future daughter-in-law, or she doesn’t, but that’s her problem, and you’re done making it yours, as much as it hurts.”
“You’re right.”
“Good.”
“It’s hard.”
“I know.” Then I wrapped my arm around her waist, and together, we walked back to her desk.
* * * *
It was the next Monday evening that my phone rang. I glanced at it then answered, “Good evening, Fan.”
“How is my daughter?”
“Mary and I are giving her love.”
Mary and Nan both watched me intently, but neither of them said a word.
“I would like to meet with my daughter.”
“You know Mary and I will be there. Furthermore, you’ll be speaking English.”
“I think that’s a good plan,” she said. “You will bring her to dinner tomorrow.”
“No,” I said. “We will not. You will come here. Will your husband be with you?”
“No.”
“I will make something simple. It will not be to your standards.”
“The meals I make are frequently not to my standards,” she replied. “May I bring anything?”
“We’ll take care of it. May I text you the address at this number?”
“Yes. What time?”
“Six.”
“I’ll be there.”
“Excellent.” We clicked off, and I looked at Nan. “Are you all right?”
“I think I’m going to be.”
“Good. Movie?”
“Sure.”
* * * *
I kept dinner simple: baked ziti. It was easy, filling, and, well. Who doesn’t like pasta? I added a couple of sides and decided we were good to go.
The bell rang. Mary was waiting for it, and after a moment I heard greetings. Nan moved to my side and did a little unnecessary stirring of the beans. “Don’t leave me alone with her.”
“We won’t.”
“Make me promise.”
“You’re going to have a good life, making the choices you want. Promise.”
“I promise,” she said. “I want a wife. I want babies. I want a wife to help me raise those babies. I’m not marrying some guy, just because that’s what she wants.”
“Good.” I turned to her and gave her a hug, and then we walked out to the next room.
Mary and Fan were talking quietly, but they turned to us. Nan stared at her mother, but then she moved to the sofa, and I sat down next to her. Mary and Fan took chairs, and Mary set a bottle of wine on the coffee table.
“It’s just a simple table wine,” Fan said, her first words.
“Mother is a wine connosiur,” Nan said. “I’m sure it’s excellent.”
Fan looked around. “This is a lovely home.”
“Thank you,” I replied. “Mary and I are still working through things, and she hasn’t applied her touch as completely as I hope she will.”
And then we sat awkwardly until I said, “Perhaps we should eat.” I stood. Nan followed me to the kitchen and helped dish everything. A few minutes later found the four of us around my dining room table. “It’s just pasta,” I sa
id. And then I handed the corkscrew to Fan. “If you feel the wine is appropriate.”
She nodded, and then she moved about the room, pouring. Nan covered her glass. “I am not rejecting your wine. But I think I should keep a clear head.”
“Of course,” Fan said. She finished, and then we settled in for a minute before Fan said, “Nan, I love you, and I want you to be happy.”
“I know that, Mother,” Nan replied. “But I do not believe I misjudged your expected reaction.”
“No, but you may have misjudged how much I love you.”
“I never doubted that,” Nan said. “I doubted your flexibility.” She settled into a tight expression. “I’ve asked Selena and Mary to help me be strong. I am not going to capitulate. Not this time.”
“I don’t want you to.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Would I prefer you marry a nice Chinese boy? Beyond all doubt. But do you think I want that for you if it will make you miserable? Absolutely not, even if it’s the only way you will give me grandchildren.”
“You have a son and another daughter.”
“That does not mean I do not also want a grandchild or six from you.”
“Get that thought out of your head; there won’t be six. One or two.”
“I’d be satisfied with one or two.”
“Adopted?” she asked. “What if they aren’t Chinese? What if my wife carries them?”
Fan stared at Nan and then said, “I will need some time, Daughter. But I do not believe you have secretly gotten married, so perhaps I have a little time.”
“I do not know if I dare have any that appear Chinese, unless I am ready to ensure they all do. And I am fairly sure any that are not Chinese will receive less of your approval than those Julia or Kailia produce.”
“Nan’s sister and sister-in-law,” I told Mary, who nodded.
“I won’t have it, Mother.”
Fan nodded. “This wasn’t only about dating women.”
“I haven’t dated any Chinese women,” Nan said. “Not one. Most have been of European descent. I had a college girlfriend who is African-American. I really liked her, but there was no way I could have introduced you.”
“It’s not like the children are going to look multi-ethnic,” Fan shot back.
“How do you know?” Nan replied. “Do you even know how it works?”
“I did a little reading.”
“You did a little reading. You know what I think is really romantic? When the couple uses an egg from one and a donor from a male relative. For instance, her egg, and Kyran’s… sample. It’s a little of both of them. And maybe that means Kyran’s sample goes into her, or maybe we harvest some eggs, and we do in-vitro, and I carry the baby. But it would be her egg, not mine. Or maybe it’s her egg and a random donor. Maybe if we use her egg, we find a random Chinese donor. I don’t know. I don’t even have a ‘her’ right now, but ultimately, we would do whatever she and I decide. You don’t get a vote.”
“I-” Fan looked back to her plate. “I hadn’t considered any of that.” Then she looked up. “But that part isn’t my fault. It’s yours for never talking to me about any of this. I can’t be expected to know everything.”
“Do you really think I felt you were open to this type of conversation? But at least I’m not blaming you for not knowing this. I’m only telling you that it’s not at all simple.”
“It could be.”
“I’m not marrying a man!”
“You could make Chinese babies.”
“What if she’s, I don’t know. Dutch, like Mary. What if she wants one blonde hair and blue eyed? Do you think I’m going to say ‘no’? What are you going to do, Mother? What are you going to do if I deliver a baby that looks like a tiny little Mary? Because that totally could happen.”
“Would you make sure I knew ahead of time?”
“If we’re talking, and I don’t mean screaming, yes.”
“Would you consider promising me they will be Chinese babies?”
“No, I’m not promising that!” Nan said. “It is exceedingly unlikely my future partner is going to have almond eyes. It is exceedingly unlikely my future partner will know five words of Mandarin. Do you get that?”
“Why not? You’re not the only lesbian Chinese girl.”
“Because we live in America, and I’m not a racist when I date. In fact, I love dating widely. I love it. Furthermore, I have a particular advantage with white people.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m a cliché.”
“You are many things, but you have never been a cliché.”
“She’s totally a cliché,” I said.
“She is not!” Fan said hotly.
“Oh, yes, she is,” I said. “Asian. Works in tech. Brilliant. And hot. She’s a hot Asian chick working in tech. That’s a total cliché. And I don’t know how she would do with other Chinese women, but everyone thinks she’s hot. That’s the first thing they see. Then they discover she has a brain, she’s playful, and she’s very, very nice besides. She is, in short, everyone’s dream girl. She had me completely wrapped around her finger, but she never abused it. Not once.”
“If you were so completely smitten, why were you dating other women?”
“Because she was clear it was part time and wouldn’t go anywhere,” I said. “Or I wouldn’t have. I told you this. I dated around because none of the women I was dating wanted more than casual, so I protected my own heart by spreading my attention around.”
“Until I stepped into her path,” Mary said.
“I don’t know how other Chinese women see her, but I can tell you she can have her pick of white women.”
“Looks are fleeting.”
“You’re still an attractive woman,” I said. “That bodes well for her long-term appearance. But do you think a 20-something worries about 30 years from now?”
“Probably not, but if looks are the only reason for the relationship…”
“If that’s what you heard, you weren’t listening. Her looks are the hook, but the line would snap if it weren’t for the entire package.”
Nan was staring at me and asked in a small voice, “Really?”
“Really,” I said.
“Really,” Mary confirmed.
Nan speared a ziti and focused on eating it, then sipped from her tea.
No one spoke for several minutes. Finally, Fan said, “This was an important conversation.” She looked at Nan. “You’re right. I’m going to struggle if your children are not Chinese. But I have time to grow accustomed to the idea, don’t I?”
“You have time,” Nan agreed.
“If I were to invite you and another Chinese girl to dinner, would you come?”
Nan’s jaw dropped, and then she slowly closed it. “Yes, but I’m not promising anything will come of it, and I’m not relying on you to find dates for me. And we’ll be right back where we are now if you think I’m letting you pick my partner.”
“I get that, but you’re not opposed to the idea.”
“Do you really think you’re going to find very many Chinese lesbians who either are not influenced by their families, or whose families are supportive?”
“No, but it only takes one.”
“I’m not limiting my dating, Mother. I could accept a date offer tomorrow, and the way I’m feeling, I could be entirely hers a week from Sunday.”
Then she grinned. “Or maybe I’ll talk Mary into a three-way relationship. I’d be hard-pressed to find a better arrangement.”
Mary snorted. Fan said, “I’ve had enough shocks for a while.”
“It could happen,” Nan said. “Or maybe-”
“Nan,” Mary said. “You’re ahead.”
“Right,” Nan said. She nodded. “Mother, I’m not doing any of this to hurt you. Okay, maybe the last comment was.”
“So, you aren’t going to ask for that three-way?” Mary asked playfully.
“That’s between the three of us,�
� Nan said. “Mother, until you’re willing to invite my current girlfriend to dinner, and to treat her with dignity and respect, I will be declining invitations. Except things like weddings. I’ll attend those if invited, and no one treats me like crap. I would prefer permission to bring a date, and if I’m not dating, I may ask Mary if she’d let Selena go with me, or I might ask someone else I’m not really dating, but… I’m babbling.”
“I understand. If I call, will you answer?”
“If you call to try to change my mind on any of this, I will hang up and block your number.”
Fan nodded. “If I call, please answer.”
“Then I will.”
“When you’re ready for the next dinner invitation,” Mary said, “Call either Selena or me, and we’ll arrange something.”
“I will.” She stood. “I think I should go. I’m sorry that I am being rude.”
Mary walked her out. Nan sat, staring straight ahead, then she turned to me. “I’ve never stood up to her before. My heart is pounding out of my chest.”
“You were on fire,” I said. “I think maybe I don’t need to worry.”
“I’m not sure I can be strong if I’m alone with her, not yet.”
“You don’t have to be.”
“The first time I bring a girlfriend there, will you and Mary come, too?”
“Absolutely. Strength in numbers.”
“Right.”
That was when Mary returned. She stood at the table. “Nan, I know you were just pushing your mother’s buttons, but ‘no’ on the three-way, and ‘I’ll think about it’ if you want Selena as an escort.”
“I can find dates,” Nan said. “Or so the two of you both said.”
“Yes, you can, but you may not want to bring a date, but want a little strength. I’d probably allow that, or I might suggest I go with you.”
She nodded. “Thank you, Mary.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Could we clean up, and then maybe play a game? I’m going to go to bed, but I think tomorrow I should move back home.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I think I’m ready,” she said. “But I’m not ready to host mother alone.”
“You won’t have to,” Mary said. “Until you’re ready.”
“Thank you.”
* * * *
As I write these words, Fan has not entirely accepted her daughter’s choices. The hang up is definitely the grandchildren. But she’s met one of Nan’s girlfriends, and she was polite and respectful, if not as warm as I would have preferred to see.
