Mercy

by Debra Anastasia

  “Of course. You working tomorrow?” Quinn asked, completely unnecessary as far as I was concerned.

  “No. Off tomorrow for Monday. I’ll be back at work on Tuesday. I hope anyway.” She pulled the door open.

  “Why do you hope?” Quinn tilted his head, all kinds of concerned puppy dog. I wanted to punch him in the liver.

  “Well, things got a little crazy there and I left early. I don’t usually leave until the last customer is gone.” She shrugged.

  “I hope that works out for you. Keep me posted either way. Until we catch this guy, I’m keeping an eye on you.” Quinn tipped his hat to her.

  Becca stopped him with her hand on his goddamn arm. She offered her arms to him. For a fucking hug.

  I looked at my feet. I couldn’t be jealous. It was something I wasn’t allowed. My father blamed his jealousy on his murderous ways and blamed my mother for finding a new man. I forced myself to watch Becca hug this man.

  His arms encircled her, going too low on her body. Close to her ass to return the sentiment. I knew a player when I saw one. That was exactly how Animal hugged girls he wanted to screw.

  She patted his shoulders and thanked him again. He reminded her to lock her door and put the alarm on. After locking the door, she went over to the panel and popped in the numbers. It armed itself and I heard Quinn praise her through the door. “Good job, Becca. Sweet dreams.”

  I slipped through the hallway and doused the lights in her bedroom. I opened one of the small side windows a crack so I could hear.

  Sure enough, Quinn was talking about her. “She’s worth the stop.”

  His partner snorted. “I’m not even looking, son. I’m married.”

  “No shit. You’re married? I woulda never guessed.” I watched as Quinn took a playful punch from his partner.

  “That chick, though. The body on her. And when I went into the domestic scene with her the other day, she was brave as hell.” Quinn gave a slow whistle. “No common sense, just threw herself in her mother’s place. Hot.”

  The two of them got into the patrol car. The light for the bedroom came on. Then I felt her arm snake up around my chest. She put her head on my back and peace settled over me. She was here with me. For now.

  I grabbed her hand and pulled it to my lips—kissing her fingers, her wrist.

  “That was nice of them,” she offered.

  My jaw locked around the words that wanted to fly out. To tell her that Quinn wanted her. I could see my own reflection in the window as I reached out and closed it. Despite the skull ink, I recognized my father in my eyes.

  I turned around and enveloped her. “Sure was. Seems like a nice guy.”

  “Quinn? Yeah. He helped me the night of the brick and then the next day with the incident with my mom.” She cuddled me again.

  “What happened with your mom?” I’d heard Quinn’s version, but I needed to know the details. Becca had no idea how deep and scary things were right now. And that was my fault. She should know it all.

  “It was nothing. She wouldn’t respond to her phone and I freaked out. Henry and I went over to her place, and Quinn met us there.” She turned and sat on the edge of her messy bed. I waited. I needed to hear the details. Being skin to skin with her made it hard to concentrate.

  “When we got there, she was having…um. She was with Alton. And she’s never been with a guy since my father—well, I’m sure that’s not true. But I’ve never had to walk in on the love festival, if you know what I mean.” I watched as her whole body shook. “And considering her diagnosis.”

  I sat next to her. “Any new news?”

  “No. Waiting on the staging takes time.” She gave me the look of a much younger girl. Fear.

  “Oh, love.” The pain and worry on her face struck a cord in me. I knew how to lose a mom. It was straight pain. And that pain always simmered. “We’ll make sure she’s getting good care.” I’d pay for it all. I’d rob a bank. Fly her to Switzerland.

  “We’re hoping they caught it early enough. I was doing a lot of Internet searching, but I swear that just makes it worse.” Her voice caught.

  “Come on.” I moved backwards on the bed, stacked up the pillows, and opened my arms to her. She crawled to me and snuggled in. I wanted to protect her from everything. In my mind she would never have the pain I had. I wanted the brave little girl I met so long ago to always lack fear before she stepped into the world.

  32

  MONDAY

  Becca

  I didn’t realize how quickly I’d fallen asleep until I heard my alarm going off. Nix groaned, then reached over my head and silenced it.

  “That’s early. What did you have planned?”

  His voice was gruff and grumbly. We were spooning, his tattooed arm across my chest like a seat belt, holding my left breast like it belonged there. He rolled my nipple between his fingers until it perked up for him, and I could tell he was perking up for me.

  “I was going to go on a run.” I kissed his bicep that was propped under my neck like a pillow.

  “I can work you out.” He was fully awake now. I wasn’t wearing panties, and Nix took full advantage. We went from playful teasing to full on sex quickly. I was sure I was too dehydrated to come for him again, but soon enough I had my leg thrown over him. He had his hand on my clit, working it while he bucked against me. He used our spoon position to his advantage, palming my breast with his other hand. He worked the sensations like an expert. His groans were exaltation and mine were ecstasy.

  Happy. I saw the reflection of him behind me in the mirror on the back of my bedroom door. Besides the incredibly carnal tableau, we were happy.

  Seeing a smile drawing itself on his face among the ink was something I wanted to be irrevocable. His eyes were closed.

  I reached backwards so I could touch his neck and feel his pulse hammering there.

  He opened his eyes and considered my reflection in the mirror. “I love…”

  I watched him realize what he was saying and amend it on the fly, “…seeing you like this.”

  I let him get away from the intimacy of the words despite the way our bodies were locked together.

  Maybe I was too easy for this. For love. Because we’d just gotten to know each other. I might be painting how I feel with too wide a brush. I was known for my impulsiveness, but looking at this man brought out the single-mindedness I was made of.

  I pulled away from him so we were no longer joined. I flipped and looked at the man instead of the mirror. He covered his mouth. I heard him mumble, “I need to brush my teeth.”

  I covered my mouth for the same reason. The action made me swallow the words that were on my tongue. I was going to tell him I loved him. The universe owed this man more than he’d been given.

  I bent my neck and put my head on his chest. He kissed the top of my head.

  I heard his stomach growl. “Hungry?”

  He laughed above my head. I put my hands on his chest. Over my name.

  We left the bed together. I had an extra toothbrush from my last dental cleaning and I handed it to him. We both brushed together, making goofy faces in the mirror. I combed my hair and he leaned against the doorjamb to watch like I was the best TV show ever.

  I was still wearing just my T-shirt, but he stepped back into my room to put his clothes on. I started the only thing I could think of—scrambled eggs that I mixed in a mug and then popped into the microwave.

  “Wow.” He gave me a skeptical look as I handed him his mug and a fork.

  “It’s not bad. Try it.” I showed him how confident he could be with a giant bite from my own.

  He closed one eye and fed himself like the eggs were poison. After a few chews, he opened his eyes in surprise. “It’s not the worst.”

  “Thanks.” I rolled my eyes at him.

  He set his mug down and came at me playful. “What? That’s not a compliment?” He grabbed my hips.

  I set my mug down and pretended to pout. “See if I make you breakfast
again.”

  He pulled me against him and started tickling me. “You made us both breakfast in the time it took me to put my pants on. That’s frightening. Pop-Tarts take longer.”

  I couldn’t get away from his hands. The laughing caused me to drop to the floor to try to get away. Eventually, he stopped and started kissing me again. Every once in a while he paused our make-out session with a tickle.

  “Are you going to make us a better breakfast, wise guy?” I dared him.

  “I can make some stuff. Whatcha got?” He pulled me off the floor and then started going through my cabinets and fridge. I covered my face. “So nothing. Did you use your last four eggs to make us that nightmare?” He pulled my hands away and pointed at the mugs.

  I nodded once to confirm his suspicions.

  “Seriously, girl.” He pulled his phone out and tapped an app. He ordered us both bagels and pastries and his coffee and told me it would be ten minutes until we could roll up to the store and pluck it from their to-go shelf.

  “Convenient.” As he took his phone back to the main screen, I saw a familiar icon.

  “Holy crap? You play the remote claw game too?” I felt like we were two kids who figured out we liked the same show after school.

  He grimaced and shrugged.

  “Let me see. Have you ever won? I mean, I win all the time—I can give you pointers.” I took the phone out of his hands and he almost seemed reluctant to show me. “What? You expecting a text from another girl or something?”

  He rubbed his hands on his jeans. “Let’s just go get breakfast.”

  I tapped the icon for my game, but instead of the normal screen, I saw something completely different.

  “What’s this?” There were four different claw games with commands I’d never seen before.

  “I should really tell you about it.”

  There was a pile of boxes along one of the games. I was able to zoom in. My name and address were on the three boxes I could see. Then I scrolled to the left. More boxes with my name on them. And the right. More boxes. All marked to me. “I don’t understand.”

  I held his phone out to him. He took it and tucked it into his pocket. “Uh, it’s my game. It’s my app. I run it.”

  “You own Grabby Tabbies?” My mind was whirling. Maybe that was how he made his money? But that was so…wholesome. And he clearly owned a lot of weapons for a plushie dealer.

  “I do. I run that app.” He watched me like he expected me to have a reaction he wasn’t seeing.

  “Why do all the boxes have my name on them?” I mean, I was great at the game, but clearly that was a lot of boxes.

  He seemed to be weighing his words. My suspicion and confusion only grew. He ran his hand over his lips repeatedly. Finally, he attempted to explain, “They all have your name because you’re the only customer.”

  It took a while for me to register what he was saying. “That seems like a crappy business plan. I mean, how do you make money?”

  He turned his face to the side and watched me like he expected me to blow up on him. “It doesn’t make me money. It makes you happy. That’s the job of the app.”

  “You need to spell this out for me because now all I am is confused.” I walked past him and grabbed my phone off the charger in my bedroom. I opened the app and heard a tone behind me. Nix held out his phone. I was able to watch in real time as I manipulated the claw and saw it respond on his screen. Then I noticed the picture in picture. His phone had a video of me. He had accessed my camera somehow.

  “You watch people play this game?” Things seemed demented and they just weren’t making sense.

  “I watch you play this game. Just you. No one else plays it. I’m good with computers and I created this app for you—because you like it. And yes, I’ve watched you through it, but I never thought we’d meet. Never in a million years did I think we would wake up in the same bed I just…”

  He stopped speaking when I held up my hand. “I’ve had this game for over a year.”

  “Two years, six months, and three days. You enabled my access to the camera and microphone a little over a year ago. I’ve saved all the money you’ve spent. I have it for you in an interest-bearing account.” He was almost whispering.

  The tears that crowded my eyes took him out of focus. I put my fingers to my lips. “Goddammit, Nix.” My nose started burning. I’d ignored the fact he knew where I lived. Turned the fact he was tattooed with my name into something charming. But to know he’d been watching me without my true consent…

  “I’m so sorry, Becca. You have to understand I wanted to protect you, love.” He tried to close the distance between us and I took a step backwards.

  “Don’t call me that. Not now.” A tear fell. My hand was shaking as I wiped it away.

  “I’m sorry,” he said again.

  “I trusted you.” I stepped backwards, but he didn’t move.

  “I’m so sorry.” I noticed his hand was shaking now too.

  “How dare you? How dare you do this to me?” I felt betrayed and violated and all at once unsafe.

  All I could hear was the word “sorry” now.

  “I think you should go.” I couldn’t believe I was saying this to him. God, I was so stupid.

  He hesitated. “I don’t want to leave it like this with you.”

  “Do you want to just stand here and watch me? Jesus. All those times? I’ve played the game for hours?” I tossed my phone onto my bed—not even wanting to touch it.

  All I could do was wait for him to do as I asked. The tears fell unchecked.

  “I’m sorry. I should’ve told you. Animal told me to tell you.” He ran his hand through his hair.

  “Animal’s in on this?” I was going from feeling unsafe to feeling straight scared. “How many others are there?”

  He bent over my bed and punched the mattress. “Fucking shit. This is such bullshit.”

  My lips started to quiver. I tried to stop them, but lost the battle. He turned to me, his eyes wild. The skull tattoo that had been a comfort was distorting into exactly what he’d intended it to be for strangers—terrifying.

  “I’d never hurt you. I just…I needed to see you to make sure you were safe. And I knew you loved the game. Becca, I love you. I’ve loved you for years.” He held out his hand to me so quickly I flinched.

  I could justify crazy, but this was obsessed. The distance I felt between us was breaking my heart. He was getting cast in a whole different light. I backed up again until I hit the wall.

  “Was it you? Did you attack me in the bathroom? Then did you have Animal throw the bricks? So you could save me?” It was so clear it was like I was hit by lightning.

  “No. God no. I would never. I would kill anyone that touched you.”

  I refused to look at him. At this point all I had was tears that were dissolving into sobs.

  I slid down the wall. He crouched and inched closer. “This is killing me. I just want to hug you. I promise, I never meant it in a bad way.”

  He touched the top of my knee and I started begging him, “Please. Leave. I’m scared. Please.”

  He stood slowly and I waited with my eyes squeezed tight. What was he? Who was he?

  He could do whatever he wanted. We were all alone. My alarm panel was in the hallway. Part of me was still clutching onto all the happy imaginings I’d manufactured.

  His footfalls walking away were accompanied by a loud thwack. I was startled into opening my eyes. I watched as he pulled his fist out of the drywall in the hallway.

  He didn’t look back at me. The alarm started when he let himself out the front door.

  I rocked in place with the siren blaring in my ears.

  Nix was gone.

  33

  DONE

  Fenix

  I was on my bike going way too fast for the residential area, but let the fuckers try to catch me. My bike was faster than anything else on the road. I passed cars on double yellows and flew through red lights.

 
Honks and middle fingers were aimed at me. At times I was just cruising down the center of the road, making cars and trucks take evasive maneuvers to avoid a crash with me.

  Of course, they could run me over flat and I would welcome it. I wanted to feel pain. Despite all the tempting fate and cop baiting, I was at the tattoo parlor alive. I tossed my bike on its side, hit the door, and scoped out the place.

  Lauren was smoking in the back and acknowledged me when she saw me come in. Some people had therapists. I had Lauren.

  She put out her cigarette and went to the sink. Washing up was her first step. I reclined in her preferred chair in her office after taking off my shirt. She bandaged up my hand without asking about the origin of the wound. From there our consult was more like a version of Pictionary. We’d gone whole appointments without speaking. She handed me her pad and fresh pencil.

  I wrote down Christina’s name, the name of the My Little Pony I needed, and the words “blowing dandelion wish”.

  While Lauren started mocking up what she would interpret from my words, I let my mind go numb and counted the cars. This was where I put my pain. At the edge of a needle.

  I approved the name and the pony. They would be the first two. Two more tattoo artists came in, covering for Lauren as I hogged her time with no appointment. Here I was a VIP. After cleaning the area, she started. Lauren was a freehand artist. She’d done most of my tats, so I knew these minor ones were easy for her.

  My phone was getting texts. I had to look. Animal was checking in, making lewd jokes, assuming I was still at Becca’s. He was running his family errand. I tried Becca’s phone camera and there was blackness. I could still follow her phone’s GPS, but I was cut off from seeing her face when I wanted to.

  “Unclench your fist, Mercy.” Lauren tapped my forearm.

  I did as she asked. I scrolled through Ember’s and Christina’s feeds. Both were okay for now.

  The first tattoo lasted an hour. I took a break while Lauren had a smoke. I’d leave here today with all the tats I’d requested. I felt like I was an unmoored boat, not being able to access Becca.