She nodded once. “Right. I do have to pee though, so wait for me.”
I stood off to the side, holding my hands in front of me as my sister went into a stall and did her business. Trying harder with Calum was not what I wanted to do, but if it would get Michelle off my back, if it would make her believe that I was happier, that I was able to handle whatever life threw at me, then I’d suffer.
Life sucked. I knew that enough by now. Even though I was miserable day to day, I never tried to end it. That was something, wasn’t it?
I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’ve thought about it. I’ve thought about it a lot, but thinking about it and actually taking action to follow through were two very different things. I was far too much of a coward to ever try something like that. Plus, I knew Mom and Dad would hate themselves if they woke up one day and found me dead in the tub. I’d stopped living for myself a long time ago; now I lived for them.
That was as good of a reason as any to keep going, wasn’t it?
When Michelle was done, we left the restroom and rejoined the guys at the table. Both Kyle and Calum got out of the booth to let us slide in first, and I reached up, tucking some of my pink hair behind an ear, glancing at the man beside me.
He was no boy, that’s for sure. While Kyle still had that cherub look sometimes, the look of someone fresh out of high school, Calum didn’t. His jaw was squarer, his cheeks more pronounced. Dark stubble lined his jaw, thicker than any scruff I’d ever seen on Kyle’s cheeks. His eyes were the same color as Kyle’s: a deep, beautiful blue that reminded me of the waters in the tropics, so crisp and clear and warm. A color you could easily get lost in.
I hated the color of my eyes. Green reminded me of peas or baby shit. I’d much rather have blue, or even hazel, or a light, warm amber.
Kyle spoke to Michelle, “Everything come out alright, babe?” A smile grew on his face; it was a question I’d heard him ask her on multiple occasions when they were hanging out together in the house, a question of habit every time she came back from the bathroom, as if she had left to take a dump.
“Please tell me I don’t have to ask you that,” Calum spoke beside me, giving me a half smile.
I shook my head. “I’d rather you didn’t, actually.” Just like in the bathroom, I forced out a grin, trying to do what I’d told my sister I would: try harder. Be better. If this date was a disaster fest, it would not be because of me. It would be because of Calum and the fact that he would rather look at any other girl but me.
It was probably the hair. Most guys didn’t dig the bright pink hair, which meant they never approached me to begin with.
Unlike Mason, but he was weird. I still didn’t know what was up with him.
“Good,” Calum whispered, shooting a glance at his brother. “Because my brother’s weird for asking that.”
That was actually something he and I could agree on.
“So,” Kyle checked his phone. The waitress had picked up our plates while we were away and left the check. I had no idea who was paying, but Michelle insisted on the way here the guys would handle it. I hated knowing they were paying for me, but then again, all I’d gotten was a small side salad and a drink. Nothing too fancy. “What movie did we decide on? I don’t remember.”
When Michelle told Kyle what movie we were seeing, and what time it started, Calum’s eyes were once again on me. “Did you pick it?” Some romantic comedy starring leads who were much better suited for other genres.
Did I pick a movie like that? God, no.
If I had a say, we would’ve seen whatever Disney remake was out. I was a big Disney fan, grew up loving the princesses. I could probably quote The Lion King word for word.
“No,” I said. “Michelle did.”
“Great,” he muttered, frowning slightly. I found the expression to only add to his handsomeness, strangely, as if the frown fit perfectly on his chiseled face. He was handsome, to say the least. Any straight woman with eyes would admit it. I supposed I should be thankful that he was even humoring this double date; I could never nab someone like him on my own. “Now we all get to be tortured for the next two hours.”
I never wanted to nab someone like him, anyways. The cute ones were nothing but trouble. Even if, say, I held one’s attention for a little while, who’s to say he wouldn’t get bored of me and move on once he got what he wanted? Stupid as it was, that’s how my mind worked. After all, there were so many more beautiful women out there than me.
Calum should be with a pretty, outgoing, confident woman. Not me. Never me.
Kyle and Calum bickered about who would pay; Calum eventually won out, saying he had a better job or some other bullshit that didn’t really matter. We left the restaurant soon after that, heading toward our cars. Michelle had parked beside Calum’s car, and the four of us gathered around behind them.
Kyle stood near Michelle, holding onto her hand as the early night breeze blew between us. There were at least two feet between Calum and I, and I tried to ignore the chill that swept up my spine as I glanced upward at the rising moon. Night had fallen sometime during dinner, and I knew the night would only grow darker as we sat in the movie theater.
“Why doesn’t Kyle ride with me?” Michelle asked, her azure stare landing on me, as if questioning if I would be all right in a vehicle, all alone with Calum. When I said nothing, she spoke to Calum, “You know where the theater is?”
“Of course I do,” he scoffed. “I grew up here, you know. I know where everything in this town is.”
Michelle cocked her head, once again staring at me, as if daring me to object. “Go on. We’ll follow you there, then.” A smile grew on her face, and unlike mine, it was a genuine smile, a grin through and through. She had me, and she knew it.
If I was going to try harder on this date, I couldn’t fight against being in a car alone with him.
I knew what she was thinking, too. Maybe, if I was alone with him, my walls would crumble down and he and I would bond like we were unable to in the restaurant. I knew Calum wasn’t into me like that, so I knew that wouldn’t happen. Odds were this car ride would be the most terrible, awkward ride of my life, but at this point, it was what it was and there was no changing it. Best get it over with now, right?
I said nothing as I went around the car, to the passenger’s side. Calum unlocked doors, and we got in. He started up the car and had it backed out of the spot before I even had my seatbelt on. It would seem he wanted this car ride to be over with quickly, too.
As we drove away, I watched Kyle and Michelle grow smaller in the side mirror, knowing they made no hurried moves to get in Michelle’s car and follow us. Knowing her, she’d make them take their time in following us, which would mean Calum and I would be forced to spend more time together.
I know. Great. Just great. Tonight was never-ending where the greatness was concerned.
The radio in Calum’s car was turned down all the way. His attention was solely focused on the road, though when we arrived at a red light, he turned his eyes toward me as he asked, “What kind of music do you listen to?”
God, the small talk was horrible. If I could go the rest of my life without partaking in any sort of small talk again, I would be happy. Well, as happy as I could be, anyway, which wasn’t really happy at all.
I shrugged. “Any and all,” I whispered. “Besides country and rap.”
“I was going to say,” Calum deadpanned, stepping on the gas as the light turned green, “if your favorite kind of music was country, I was going to make you get out and walk to the theater.”
A hollow laugh left me. “You’d make me walk? You really hate country that much?”
“Yeah,” Calum muttered, running a hand down his face, keeping one hand on the wheel. “I, uh, just got out of a relationship. My ex loved country. I sucked it up and listened to it, went to concerts with her, but I can’t stand the twang.”
Ah. He just got out of a relationship. Maybe that’s why he seemed so distant, other than the fa
ct he clearly had no interest in me. I was not the kind of girl anyone could rebound with, and I bet he knew that just by looking at me. There would be no sexy hookup, no sex without strings with me. This night was definitely a mistake.
Even though it was absolutely none of my business, I found myself asking, “What happened?”
Calum glanced at me, and I could see his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat, like he was swallowing, unsure of what to say. Or maybe I surprised him by asking, I didn’t know. “I’d rather not talk about it,” he settled with saying.
I looked away, my gaze landing on the sidewalk beside the car as we drove along through the city. “I’m sorry,” I muttered, biting my bottom lip. “I shouldn’t have asked.”
He said nothing to that, and after another five minutes of driving, we pulled into the large parking lot filling the space in front of the movie theater. Calum pulled the car into a spot and turned her off, leaning back in his seat as he rested an arm on the windowsill of the door, looking pensive and brooding.
I couldn’t help myself. I stole a few glances in his direction. The more I looked at him, the cuter he became, and I wondered what happened. Clearly it was not a mutual breakup. Clearly he was still into her. Did she break things off with him? Did she cheat on him and basically force their relationship to end? Maybe it was wrong, but knowing he was still pining away for someone else made me feel better.
It meant he wasn’t acting like this because of me. It meant he had other baggage that took up the forefront of his mind and thoughts.
The silence in the car was heavy, and I felt vastly uncomfortable. Michelle better shut her mouth for the foreseeable future; this night was awful, through and through, and I never wanted to repeat it.
“Look,” I whispered, breaking the pregnant silence and causing the brooding one to finally glance in my general direction, “we don’t have to see the movie. You can go home.”
Calum shook his head. “No, we’re seeing the movie, even though it’s going to be stupid.”
I said nothing to that, mostly because there was nothing more to say. Calum once again averted his eyes, as if I was the ugliest thing he’d ever seen, like he couldn’t wait to be out of this car and away from me, to have his brother back. I guess I could relate to the feeling; I waited for Michelle to get here while trying to get my anxieties under control.
They must’ve taken their time in the restaurant parking lot, for it was at least five minutes before they showed up, taking the spot beside us. As we got out of the car, I met Michelle’s eyes. Those pretty blue orbs were expectant, as if she thought Calum and I had truly bonded while we were alone.
All I could do was smile, because at least if I was smiling, she’d think I was trying.
I wasn’t, but that was beside the point.
While Kyle and Michelle were hand in hand, Calum and I followed them into the theater. The guys got popcorn while Michelle and I waited off to the side, holding the tickets. Michelle studied me under the neon lights, and I knew she was hoping for the best for me. She probably had no idea how hard this night was for me, how difficult just sitting in the car with Calum had been, let alone finding out that he was as unavailable as a guy could be.
Don’t get me wrong—it was a relief, but still.
“After the movie, Calum is going to take you home,” she said. “I’m going back to Kyle’s house with him.”
I wanted to throw up at hearing that. That was the last thing I wanted, to spend more forced time with Calum, to steal glances at him while his mind was off, thinking about his recent ex-girlfriend. Did Michelle know he just got out of a relationship? Did she know she was trying to set me up with a guy whose heart was still someplace else?
Hmm. It could be she didn’t care. It could be she didn’t want to see it, or that she simply wanted me to get some life experience. Ugh.
“Okay,” I said. It wasn’t like I could argue with her. Calum taking me home had obviously been something she and Kyle had talked about on their ride over here, basically set in stone. It was something I would be forced to suffer through.
Michelle was going to say more, but Kyle and Calum appeared beside us, juggling overly large pops and bags of popcorn. We headed into the theater room and chose our seats in the far back, the very last row. I didn’t get out much, but even I knew all the cool kids always sat in the back. It allowed for more privacy when you were doing things that should not be done in a public theater.
God, I really hoped Michelle and Kyle would keep their hands to themselves.
Michelle sat beside me, Kyle on her other side. That left Calum to sit to my left, separated from his brother.
The projector was playing commercials on the big screen, though soon enough the lights dimmed and the screen grew wider. Then it was time for twenty minutes of previews of movies coming out in the next year.
I was supposed to share Calum’s popcorn and drink, but I didn’t feel like it. Wasn’t really hungry, and I didn’t think anyone could blame me for that. Kyle and Michelle were busy eating theirs and chitchatting through the previews, while I was busy trying to shrink in my seat and teleport home.
Oh, to be back in my bed, under the covers, safe and alone. Being on a blind, double date with a cute guy was not my kind of fun for a Friday night, let alone a guy who was still mooning over his ex.
Bet his ex looked like a model, like my sister. Bet she was super pretty, with long, thick, natural hair, big boobs and long legs. None of which I had. If my hair wasn’t a bright pink, I would blend in with any crowd, with half the world still thinking I was a child in high school, probably. There was literally nothing about my body I could be proud of.
I sighed, dropping my gaze to my lap in the darkness. I shouldn’t be thinking about those things. I shouldn’t let myself think like that, of course—but knowing I shouldn’t hate myself and following through with self-love and good thoughts were two very different things. I was no good at complimenting myself or loving myself. It’s not who I was.
Thankfully, once the movie began, I was able to focus on the big screen and not the handsome man to my left, nor the way Michelle and Kyle were cuddling over the armrest to my right. All I had to do was get through this romcom, and the drive home, and then I’d never have to do this again.
Never. That, I swore to myself. If Michelle ever came to me and asked me to do something like this again, I would let out a disbelieving laugh and tell her to fuck off.
Well, maybe I wouldn’t word it exactly like that, but you get the drift.
The theater was about half-full. This particular feel-good movie had been out for a few weeks now, so it wasn’t new or anything. Still wished we could’ve seen something else, but nothing about this night had been of my own design, so why would the movie choice be any different?
Calum’s elbow knocked into mine on the armrest sometime during the movie, and I quickly yanked my arm to my side, rubbing it. The man didn’t even apologize, didn’t even look at me or mouth the word sorry. He looked miserable sitting beside me, his mouth drawn into a thin line as he watched the screen, clearly trying to drown himself in the movie, just as I was trying to, before we’d touched.
I turned my gaze back to the big screen, but my mind was already lost. I wondered what it would feel like, to be dating someone and then break up. It was an experience I’d never had, like many others. Had to have a boyfriend before you could break up with one, you know. There was a chronological order to things.
I imagined it would be sad, depending on the type of breakup. I couldn’t imagine more sadness piled onto my life, so it was probably a good thing I never really gave dating the old college try. Yes, being a twenty-year-old virgin who’d never kissed a boy was a little embarrassing, but it wasn’t like I went around and advertised it to anyone who would listen. Michelle knew, but she was my sister. That was it.
Having sex, cuddling and kissing…I was human, I did wonder what all that felt like, whether physical embraces like that would help to
make me feel more alive, but that would involve letting someone else in, letting them get close. I didn’t think I could handle the heartbreak that would follow when they inevitably left.
Because they would. If given the choice, no one would stick around me longer than they had to. Michelle was only forced because she was my sister, Mom and Dad the same.
My heart felt sad in my chest right then, and I fought to refocus on the movie ahead of me. I probably cried more often than I should; it was impossible not to let tears take over when I felt like everything was pointless, that my life wasn’t worthwhile, but I could not let it happen here.
Yet another good thing about spending every night in my bed, alone. No one was around to see or hear me cry.
The movie was cute, I had to admit. It involved a bit of a switcheroo on the cliched movie roles. Instead of the girl being new to the big city, it was the guy. And, big shocker, the woman was the boss and acted like a total bitch until the hero finally saw her vulnerable side and inevitably fell in love.
Most humans I thought wanted to fall in love, to be in a relationship, to spend their lives with someone else. Living by yourself, with no one around but your inner thoughts…it was lonely.
Calum and I were forced to sit and wait for Michelle and Kyle to be ready to go. Kyle, I guess, had this thing where he had to sit and watch the credits roll, just in case there was an after-credits scene or two. I guess a certain string of movies were popular for that, for teasing the next movie in those few precious seconds, but I didn’t think this romantic comedy would do anything like that. These movies were usually a one-and-done thing, weren’t they?
“Sorry Kyle’s so stupid,” Calum whispered, leaning over to me. An upbeat song played during the credits, and nearly all the other moviegoers had already left the theater. “You and I could go, if you want. I…I can take you home.”
I blinked, looking between him and Michelle—and also Kyle. “Uh, yeah,” I said, the words hard to get out, “that’s fine.” As Calum stood and gathered what was left of his popcorn and pop, I poked Michelle’s arm, causing her to look at me. “Calum’s taking me home. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Sounds of Silence: A Contemporary Romance Page 5
