Needless to say, I could not let this girl know where my mind had gone. I couldn’t scare her off. Not yet. I didn’t know how much longer I’d be in town, how much longer I could hide from my problems at home, but I wanted to make the most of it.
I wanted to see Bree as much as I could, I realized, whether it was more dates or just hanging out.
A tiny glimmer of a smile crossed her face. “You can’t force me to do anything,” she said. “I could just get up and walk out.”
“And walk home? Do you even know how to get home from here?”
“I have a phone, dummy. Someone would come and pick me up.”
I blinked, feigning hurt. “Dummy?” I held a hand over my heart, as if her name-calling was like an arrow straight into my chest. “That hurts, you know.”
She picked up her fork and stuck it through a single noodle. “Oh, don’t be a drama queen,” she muttered, meeting my eyes as she slowly lifted her fork. Bree was unhurried in bringing the noodle to her mouth, rolling those beautiful eyes as she took her first bite of the night.
It wasn’t really a full bite—a single noodle wasn’t much to eat, but I knew better than to argue about the semantics with her. I’d let her have this one, even if she was only doing it to placate me.
“Happy?” Bree asked after she swallowed. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say swallowing had been hard for her, like she didn’t want to eat.
“I am, thanks for asking.”
By the time I was done with my plate, Bree had taken yet another tiny, child-sized bite. A deal was a deal, of course, so I asked for the bill and paid, telling the waiter we did not need any takehome boxes, to which he simply looked at the nearly full plate in front of Bree and lifted his eyebrows.
Oh, well.
Once we were back in my car, Bree buckled her seatbelt, a bit more relaxed than she’d been before. I watched her with a small smile on my face, waiting a few moments to ask, “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”
She turned to look at me, giving me an unimpressed expression. I had the sudden, strange urge to lean over the center console and kiss that slight frown off her face, but I stopped myself. Had to remind myself that we weren’t together. She wasn’t my girl. Rushing into anything right now would be bad, especially with Bree.
Still…that did not stop me from wondering what those lips would feel like on mine.
“No,” Bree finally spoke, her voice a mere whisper in the car. “It wasn’t so bad.”
Outside, the world had become one of night, the moon hanging low in the sky. As I started my car up, I said, “That’s not the whole date, though, so don’t get your hopes up that it’s over.”
“How did you know that’s what I was hoping?”
I chuckled, backing the car up out of the parking spot. “Well, since you never go out and you’d rather spend all your time at home, I figured you’re dying to get back there.” I shot her a glance as I pulled out into the road. “It’s not so bad spending time with me, is it?”
Bree toyed with her hands on her lap, and it took her a long while to say, “No, you’re not too bad.” She bit her bottom lip, glancing out the window as I took us to our next destination. Down a few roads, maybe ten minutes away from the restaurant. “I still don’t know why me, though.”
It really bugged me that this girl didn’t think anything of herself. Did she go through something traumatizing as a kid? I knew if her parents were jerks, I would’ve heard that from Kyle. As far as I knew, the Stones were a nice, caring family, so I had no idea what made Bree this way.
As I drove, I asked, “Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why don’t you know why you?” That was a confusing question if I ever heard one. When she stayed quiet, refusing to answer, I said, “I mean, why not you? What’s wrong with you? And I don’t mean that like something is wrong with you—because there’s not.”
Bree took her time in answering, “I’m not anything special, Calum.”
Thank goodness we were close to our destination, for I pulled into the parking lot near the park and was able to give her a long, hard look. It was a look that made her squirm in her seat, an intense look, a look I hoped got to her. “Stop it,” I told her.
“Stop what?” Though she asked, she knew exactly what I meant.
“Stop putting yourself down,” I said, reaching for her. I’d never put my seatbelt on, so I was able to lean over and grab her hand before she could pull it away. Her hand was small and delicate in mine, her skin cool and smooth. My fingers wrapped around hers more tightly than I intended, but that was because I knew this girl wasn’t hearing me.
I mean, she was hearing me, but she wasn’t believing me.
I had no idea if she was too shocked at my forwardness to pull her hand from mine, if she was like a deer in headlights, or if my touch put her at ease. “You do it too much,” I said. “I know I might not know everything there is to know about you, but what I do know is awesome. You’re awesome, Bree. You are special.”
My hand tightened around hers for a few moments, slowly releasing hers as I then reached to her hair—the pink seemed to glow in the dark, but that was just me exaggerating.
“Even if you didn’t have cotton candy hair, you’d be special,” I added, sweeping some of that hair behind her ear and causing her to shiver.
She let out the shakiest laugh I’d ever heard. A nervous, hesitant chuckle. “My hair isn’t cotton candy pink,” Bree said, glancing at me—though she didn’t turn her head to look at me. If she did, our faces would’ve been inches away. “That’s a different color pink.”
I leaned my elbow on the center console, breathing her in. “Why don’t we get out of the car and you can tell me all about the different shades of pink?” Not something I cared about learning, but if it would get her talking, I was down for it.
When it came to Bree, I was oddly down for anything.
This one…it was almost impossible not to like her.
Chapter Nine – Bree
The park Calum had taken me to was pretty, I had to admit. Circling a big lake, with stone pathways that were lit up by small string lights, it was like an escape from the real world. Plus, it wasn’t too busy; there weren’t many other people walking along its trails.
I’d never been here before. I wondered how Calum knew about it. Had he taken girls here before? He was awfully handsome; it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that he had many girlfriends in his past, all of which he’d wooed easily. I knew he’d just gotten out of a relationship, but I had no idea how many other relationships he’d been in.
More than me, definitely, but that wasn’t hard to accomplish, since I had a whopping zero to my name.
I…I didn’t like the thought of Calum with other girls, which was stupid, I knew. He wasn’t my boyfriend. He wasn’t even my crush. Hell, at this point, I had no idea what he was to me. This date was just a pity date to make up for how awful the last one was. This date didn’t mean anything, I knew.
And yet, when he’d grabbed my hand in the car, when his fingers had curled around mine and he told me those things…my heart had skipped a beat or two. My skin had grown hot when he’d tucked my hair behind my ear. I’d wanted nothing more than to look at him then, to see him leaning close to me—to close my eyes and imagine, just for a quick, fleeting moment, that I was someone else, that I was cooler, better.
That I wasn’t me.
Yes, being someone else would be so much better than being me.
My mind was full of questions, my thoughts racing a mile a minute as I walked side by side with Calum. He did not reach for me again, didn’t try to hold my hand as we walked, and for that I was both thankful and sad. Thankful because I wouldn’t know what to do if he tried to, and sad because I wanted him to, regardless.
Ugh, being so conflicted was tiring, and I was already in a perpetual state of exhaustion.
“You don’t really want to hear all about the different shades of pink, do you?” I asked, turn
ing my head up to look at him. He certainly was tall. Walking beside him, I felt like a child. A child who was impossibly attracted to the man beside her. A child who, even though she knew it would end badly, wanted him anyway.
I knew he’d never really like me, that this could only lead to heartbreak if I didn’t stop myself soon. I hated that this was my life, that this was how I thought about things, but I couldn’t change it. I couldn’t change me.
“Not really,” Calum said, meeting my glance with a smile. He didn’t have dimples like Mason, but that didn’t mean his smile was anything less than the sun on a warm, summer day. “But if you want to talk about it, I’ll listen. I’ll listen to anything you want to talk about.”
It was obvious he was just being nice. Damn it, I wished he would’ve simply taken me home when I mentioned it at the restaurant. The more minutes that ticked by when I was with him, the deeper into a hole I felt myself digging.
Stupid, stupid.
When I said nothing, only staring down at my feet as we walked, Calum said, “Okay, then I’ll pick the topic of conversation.” I could feel his eyes on me, and that was precisely why I did not turn to look at him again. His expression was too intense, too focused on me, and way too handsome.
I’d never had such a cute guy all to myself before, unless you counted Mason, and I wasn’t sure he counted…although, after his little confession, maybe I should. I still didn’t know what to do or say about that one.
God, did I walk into an alternate reality when I wasn’t looking? A world where, unbeknownst to me, I was a hot commodity that everyone wanted?
“You say you never go out,” Calum spoke as we made a turn onto an offshoot of the main path, sparkling lights strung above us. “Does that mean you’ve never had a boyfriend before?”
The heat drained from my face instantly. There was nothing like talking to a cute guy about your lack of dating, was there? Nothing at all to compare to the embarrassment of admitting that you’d never really done anything before. Nope. This was great. Just great.
It took me far too long to mutter, “No, I haven’t.”
“Huh,” he whispered, as if it was the most interesting thing he’d ever heard. “No dating, no boyfriends…” Calum trailed off, and because he was a guy, I knew exactly where his mind went. “Hold on, does that mean you’re a…”
I toyed with the long sleeves on my sweater, the cool night air blowing a gentle breeze around me, caressing my skin. I stared off to the side, at the trees the hanging lights were strung to; anywhere but Calum. To look him in the eye right now would be horrifying. I said nothing, hoping he’d drop it, because it wasn’t something I was comfortable talking about.
But, because Calum was a man, and men were all about the sex, he finished, “A virgin?”
I didn’t look at him, didn’t respond. In fact, my legs stopped walking, causing him to continue on without me for a few moments before realizing I’d stopped.
“Hey,” he said, his tone softening as he returned to my side, standing before me, all but forcing me to look at him. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”
Biting the inside of my cheek, I said nothing. I knew there was nothing wrong with being a virgin, just like there was nothing wrong with sleeping with whoever you wanted. This was the twenty-first century; as long as it was consensual, your choices were your own.
Still, I couldn’t help but feel like, again, I wasn’t good enough, mortified that Calum knew this fact about me.
“Bree,” he said. “Look at me.”
I didn’t want to. I wanted to do anything but that.
And yet, slowly but surely, my eyes moved to look at him, my head tilting up just a bit to accommodate the height difference between us. The way he stared at me made my breath catch in my throat, my airways close up and heat to flood my body. He didn’t look at me like he was laughing at me, like he thought less of me. I…I didn’t know what he was trying to say with that expression, only that I knew he was trying to make me feel better.
“I know what you’re probably thinking,” he said, and before I could say anything, he went on, “well, now you’re probably thinking that there’s no way I could know you well enough to predict what’s going on in that head of yours, but that’s beside the point.”
Damn. He was good.
Calum took a tiny step closer, angling his head down to stare at me with eyes full of emotion. His almost white hair reflected the light from above, his blue gaze sparkling as he looked down upon me. “I’m not making fun of you, I’m not laughing at you.” He paused before saying, “And now, of course, I know I shouldn’t have brought it up. There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin, Bree. Nothing at all.”
I knew that already, but still. Beyond the fact that I felt broken, I also felt like, these days, it was a given to toss your virginity away. Everyone was all about sexual empowerment nowadays; it was like the other side of the coin was completely forgotten about. It was okay to sleep with whoever you wanted, but it was also okay not to, to save yourself, to wait.
That still didn’t change my opinion on the male gender, though. Girls were usually the ones who wanted to wait. I couldn’t say whether I’d heard of many guys keeping their virginity on purpose.
Calum might say it was okay to be a virgin, but I bet he could never be with one. I bet he could never date one, because that would mean no sex. For a guy who’d had sex in the past—and a handsome face like his surely had a lot of it—it would be next to impossible to go on without.
Or maybe that was just me trying to rationalize why Calum and I would never work. Just one of the many, many reasons.
“You don’t believe me,” Calum spoke after silence overtook us for a few minutes. “You think I’m just saying this stuff to try to make you feel better, don’t you?”
I shrugged. I hated that this guy could predict my thoughts so well. It was ridiculous.
“Of course, I want to make you feel better,” Calum admitted, his hands tapping his sides. “So that’s part of it, yeah, but that’s not all of it. I’m not a liar, Bree. I mean everything I say. I want you to know that.”
I tore my gaze away from him, once again staring at the trees to my right. The wind blew again, this time strong enough to make my hair go crazy, to whip it in my face and get some of it in my mouth. I didn’t care enough to reach up and fix it; as far as I was concerned, my hair hid me from him.
In fact, I wanted nothing more than to shrink into myself and disappear, end this date before it got any worse—because surely it would.
I heard him chuckle softly, heard him take another step closer to me. He was as close as he could get without touching me. And then—then he did. Touch me, I meant. I felt a finger sweep along my forehead and my cheek, gathering my messy hair and once more tucking them behind an ear, like he’d done in the car.
Only this…this felt so much more intimate, too raw.
And what was worse? When my hair was safely behind my ear, his fingers didn’t leave my space; they trailed along my jaw, eliciting strange, conflicting feelings inside of me. Heat gathered anywhere he touched. I wanted to pull away, I wanted to lean in and let him touch me more. I didn’t know what I wanted.
“You still don’t believe me,” Calum whispered, his handsome face wrought with emotion I could not read, mostly because I was too focused on the way his fingers touched me, on how good they felt on my skin.
What would his hand feel like in other places?
“I wish you would,” he added, his deep voice softer than I’d ever heard it. My eyes glanced up, meeting his, and I was instantly lost in how blue they were, how the string lights above us lit them up like fireworks in the sky.
Was it just me, or was his head leaning down to mine?
Before anything happened that I’d regret, that he’d most definitely regret, I found my voice, whispering, “I…I’ve never kissed anyone, either.” There, my lameness was out in the open now. Calum knew everything about me, so there really was no point
in continuing this, was there? Surely he’d withdraw his hand from me, turn away and lead me back to the car and take me home.
The problem? The problem was I wasn’t sure if that’s what I wanted him to do or not. Fuck, I was so conflicted. So much more confused than I’d ever been.
“That,” he whispered, his breath hot on my face, “is something I can help you with, if you want.” The fingers on my jaw moved; his hand cupped my cheek, those same fingers curling around my head and tangling in my hair. His other hand came up, mirroring the first. He now held me in place, with a firmness and a strength I could not fight. He practically held me up; my legs were close to giving out.
This wasn’t happening. This was not happening.
Though it was probably the stupidest thing I’d ever done, I found myself nodding slowly.
Calum said nothing, no quips or further embarrassing statements. His head bent to reach mine, his nose brushing against mine as I felt the first grazing of his lips. His eyes had closed, and I allowed mine to shut, too. He was too close to be anything other than a blurry haze in front of me, anyway.
A blurry haze whose lips were currently on mine, giving me my first kiss.
His lips pressed against mine, heat following shortly. His entire body leaned into me, or was it the opposite? Did I lean into him instead? Into his wide chest, allow his muscles to be my crutch? I was too stunned at first, too shocked to do much other than accept the kiss and memorize the way his lips felt on mine.
It was…it was anything but sloppy. It was soft and slow, tender and warm, everything good in this world wrapped up and given in a kiss. It was enough to make me forget all my worries, enough to make me lose myself in the feeling rising inside my body. To say it was nice would be the biggest understatement of the year.
It was more than nice. It was freaking spectacular.
I tried to reciprocate, tried to kiss him back, but I was certain I fumbled. I was new to this, after all. This was my first. I did, though, slowly reach up and touch his chest, feel his warmth under his shirt, the soft fabric easy to grip.
Sounds of Silence: A Contemporary Romance Page 10
