I had no idea how long it lasted, honestly. It could’ve lasted a few seconds, or minutes. Either way, by the time he pulled his lips from mine, I could barely breathe, could hardly feel my heart in my chest, for it beat so fast. My lips felt the loss of his immediately, and I panted, slowly opening my eyes to meet his stare.
He looked…well, at this point, I wasn’t sure how he looked. Did he enjoy it? Was I good at it? Was it terrible? Oh, God, it was probably the worst kiss he’d ever had.
I wanted to pull away at that thought, wanted to run and hide, but Calum’s hands still held onto my face, his thumbs caressing my cheeks.
A smile grew on his face. “Not bad for a first kiss,” Calum whispered, leaning his forehead down on mine. Again, our noses touched, but he made no moves to kiss me again, which I was thankful for. If he did, I was pretty sure I would’ve exploded. “Just wait. They only get better.”
This man had given me my first kiss, my first date. I knew better than to hope he’d give me more. More dates, more kisses. No, Calum would leave, and I would be left with nothing but the memory of him.
Calum’s smile softened as he finally released his hold on my face. He took a step away from me, but before I could say anything else, before I could apologize for how awful that kiss surely had to be, his hand found mine, and he tugged me along, walking us through the trails.
He probably didn’t want me to apologize for anything. He’d probably get annoyed with me if I tried to, so maybe it was best to swallow it down and try to forget about it.
That kiss…I could see why some people made such a big deal out of their first kisses. When done right, they were amazing. Made you feel all light and giddy, like you could just float up into the sky, you were so weightless.
I shouldn’t think about it. I should stop right now, and cut that memory and experience from my mind. Thinking about it would only make me want to kiss him more, which would only make the feelings inside of me real.
They couldn’t be real. Calum and I would never work.
“What are you thinking about?” Calum’s voice broke the silence of our walk. We now stood beside the lakeshore, its calm surface reflecting the moon’s light above. The area was a beautiful park; I was surprised it wasn’t busier.
I said nothing, which caused him to stop walking and squeeze my hand harder. “I don’t want to say,” I whispered, feeling the need to shut down. If only I was home right now, if I was under the covers…
Calum would not let it go. “Why?” When I said nothing, he went on, “I’m not going to drop this, Bree. If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I’m stubborn.” So he wasn’t a liar, and he was stubborn. Two things I shouldn’t know about Kyle’s brother that I did now…along with how soft and gentle his lips felt like on mine.
Ugh, I guess I should just tell him, that way he could shut up about it.
“I wish I wouldn’t have let you kiss me,” I muttered quietly, frowning to myself. The kiss was nice, yes. The kiss was amazing and something that I’d never forget, but that was the problem. I’d never forget it, and Calum would go on, live his life, completely forgetting about little old me. No one ever spent the time to remember me.
That must’ve not been what he was expecting. “Why?”
“Because,” I said, practically shaking—something he surely could feel through our hand-holding, “you’re just going to leave, anyway. This isn’t…I don’t kiss people and then never see them again. That’s not me.” It had to be something he’d thought about. Twenty years without a kiss, and then to have my first taken by Calum, a man who wouldn’t stick around…could I be more stupid?
Plus, the guy just got out of a relationship. Even if he was sticking around, I knew enough to know I’d only be his rebound.
He said nothing, only staring at me, which prompted me to add, “And you just got out of a relationship. I’m not a girl you can hook up with and leave.” Just saying those words hurt; my throat felt dry, like I’d just coughed up a few knives as I spoke. “Who knows? You might go back home and find that your ex wants you back—” This was a lot to unload on a second date.
Hence the many, many reasons why I simply did not date.
“My ex cheated on me with my best friend, so I don’t think I’ll be taking her back, ever,” Calum told me flat-out, and the ugly truth of it made me freeze and look at him. He wasn’t lying; I could tell by the way his brows furrowed, his lips frowned, and his hand squeezed mine even harder. So hard it almost hurt, but not quite. “So yes, I am a newly-single man, and I am well aware that you’re not someone to hook up with and dump. I wouldn’t do that to you, and I’d never hear the end of it from Kyle.”
That much was true, I knew. Michelle would rant to Kyle, pretty much force Kyle to be a dick about it to Calum.
“I know I’m not going to be here forever,” he went on, “I know I live a few hours away.” The tight way he held onto my hand finally softened, and his thumb ran over my knuckles as he was lost in thought. “I always said I could never do a long-distance relationship.”
I closed my eyes, having expected him to say something like that. This, whatever it was, was dead in the water from the very beginning. That much shouldn’t surprise me.
My eyes opened when I felt a tug on my hand, when I was drawn into a wide, strong chest. Calum hugged me, leaned his cheek atop my head as he stared out at the lake and the glimmering reflection on its surface. He was warm. So very warm. All I wanted to do was lose myself in that warmth and stop my mind from overthinking everything.
“Call me weird,” Calum murmured, “but there’s something about you, Bree, something I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to go home and never see you again.”
These words felt too real to be coming from Calum on our second date. These words…I never imagined anyone would ever speak them to me, let alone possibly mean them. I remained quiet, because I was at a loss for words.
He pulled himself off me, saying, “Why don’t you let me worry about that? Let me worry about what’s going to happen next, okay?” Calum’s free hand ran along my neck, tilting my head toward his, and once again I was breathless. “All I want you to do is believe. Everything I’ve told you I meant, and I want you to believe it.” And then, before he said anything else, he kissed me again—harder, this time, more sure of himself, more sure of me.
And, crazy declarations aside, you know what? He was right.
The kiss was better the second time.
When I got back to the house, no one was up. Michelle was off with Kyle, and my parents were sleeping. I tiptoed through the house, up the stairs to my room. In the darkness, I kicked off my shoes and shedded my sweater before crawling into bed.
Tonight had gone…not at all how I’d imagined it would. Calum had kissed me three times. Twice at the park and once before I came inside.
My heart still beat fast in my chest, a traitor through and through. I knew I shouldn’t let his kisses affect me so. He might’ve claimed he wanted to continue to see me, even after he went home, but I knew better than to think this would continue. I was too old, too jaded for crushes. I knew they never worked out for me. Calum might think he wanted to see me more, but I was sure all it would take was time for him to realize that I was nothing special.
Time, or another girl.
Not his ex, though. Once a cheater, always a cheater, but that was just my opinion on the matter.
He’d asked for my phone number before I went in, after the kiss, and I gave it to him, though I knew I shouldn’t have. He didn’t know how much longer he’d stay in town, so anything more that happened between us was pointless, no matter what he said.
Pointless. It was all pointless.
As I lay in bed, staring at the darkened ceiling with my phone shoved under my pillow, I couldn’t help but wonder how I’d gotten myself into this situation.
No, it wasn’t my fault. It was Michelle’s. She wanted me to go out and live my life, but that’s the thing: I
didn’t want to. I didn’t want to get hurt, and with Calum, I knew I would. My emotions warred inside of me, confusion highest in the order of things. I wanted to sit back and enjoy the time I had with him, but I knew better.
I knew better, didn’t I?
I had no idea how long I lay there in bed, wide awake, lost in my own thoughts before my phone buzzed under my head. Eyebrows furrowing, I was instantly drawn out of my mind as I rolled onto my side and reached under my pillow, pulling my phone off its charger as I glanced at its dark screen.
A text message, but it wasn’t from an unknown number, meaning it wasn’t from Calum.
No, it was from the other one. The jealous one. Oh, yeah. I still had no idea what to make of Mason and his so-called jealousy over my date with Calum. He was my partner; I’d already spent a hell of a lot more time with him than with Calum…although, Calum did have a few kisses under his belt, now. And handholding. And a hug.
My hand shook as I unlocked my phone to read the entire message.
Hey. I know you’re probably asleep, so you won’t get this until the morning. Either that, or you’re still with that other guy… He let the text message trail off, and even though I was just moments ago lost in my head, knowing how stupid this all was, I felt my lips curl into a smile.
He was still jealous. Unbelievable.
Really, it was unbelievable. I couldn’t believe my own eyes, even though I was staring at my phone, seeing it for myself. None of this felt real, not even a little bit. This couldn’t be my life, could it? It felt like I’d stepped into some alternate reality where guys actually paid attention to me—something which they’d never done before. Not really. Not that I noticed.
Should I respond to him? I wondered that, biting my bottom lip in the darkness of my room, cradling my phone against the pillow as I stared at the text message. As I wondered, a new message popped up from Mason.
Is it wrong that I spent the night selfishly hoping your date would go horribly? Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m horrible. I’m sorry. What can I say? I meant everything I told you earlier. Now I’m hoping you don’t start to hate me because of what I just said. But, wait, that’s impossible. No one can hate me.
I rolled my eyes, even though I still smiled to myself. Mason could talk, even in texts. It really was never-ending with this guy. I…I think I liked it, weirdly enough. His constant jabbering, his occasional sarcasm, the dimples that appeared every time he grinned.
It was then my mind thought of something, something truly strange, something I never thought I’d have to deal with.
Did I like two guys at once? Did I let my heart go beating for them, against my better judgment? And, lastly, because as I lay there grinning at my phone and Mason’s antics, because I knew the answer to those questions already, I wondered one last thought: why would I set myself up for such failure?
I did not respond to Mason; instead, I slid the phone back under my pillow after putting it on silent. If I knew him like I thought I did, he’d text me about ten more times before turning in for the night, and I did not want to depress myself further. No, I put my phone away and laid there, trying to wrestle with all of the feelings inside me.
I couldn’t like two men at once. I shouldn’t. That was setting myself up for double the heartbreak, and I honestly didn’t think I could handle the heartbreak from one of them. Because that’s what I would get. Heartbreak.
Calum would leave and go home, forget about me the moment he met someone else closer to home. Mason would do this project with me, and then forget about me when we no longer had any classes together. That’s what would happen, I knew it, and yet, my heart ached in my chest when I pictured my life without either of them.
God, how could it already hurt so much? It wasn’t like I was in love with them. This was exactly why I didn’t do crushes; they hurt too much, gave me too much disappointment.
Sleep took its sweet old time coming to me.
The next morning, I was greeted by my mom poking her blonde head in. I was still in bed, trying to sleep even though the sun was poking through my blinds, so I didn’t even look at her, didn’t sit up and meet those azure eyes which I was sure were expectant.
My first solo date. She probably wanted to know how it went.
I mean, it went fine, I guess, but it wasn’t like I wanted to tell my mom that I kissed him. Or, rather, he kissed me. Three times.
No, I couldn’t tell her that. She’d get her hopes up, think I was doing better than I was.
“How was your date last night?” she asked. I bet she smiled at me, too. “Your father and I didn’t hear you come in.”
“It was okay,” I muttered, my head still on my pillow. “Now can I go back to sleep?”
My mom let out an earth-shattering sigh, but she relented, “Alright. I’m glad you had fun.” She said nothing else, leaving my room and closing the door silently.
I wasn’t really sleeping, of course. Trying to and actually getting shut-eye for me were two very different things. The former was what usually happened. I might as well get up and start this day…not that I was happy about it.
But, wait.
I rolled onto my side and reached for my phone, pulling it off the charger beneath my pillow as I brought it before my face. Just as I suspected, more text messages missed from Mason. He waivered back and forth with wishing I had a good time on my date while simultaneously hoping my date was a terrible guy and that I never wanted to see him again.
Oh, Mason. What was I going to do with you?
Nothing, of course. I was going to do nothing with Mason, because I knew better than that.
I did.
Just had to keep reminding myself what the future would hold if I listened to that traitorous beating box in my chest. My heart would have to get it together when it came to both Mason and Calum. Liking either of them, let alone both, would only bring me massive amounts of hurt.
I didn’t even know how to respond to Mason. I really didn’t feel like rehashing my date with him, especially over texts, so I simply said: Man, you don’t know when to shut up, do you? Since the message kind of sounded harsh, I added an lol. Before I thought better of it, I hit send.
Laying my phone on my stomach, I stared at the ceiling. It was amazing how different the ceiling looked when daylight shone through, versus what it looked like in the middle of the night. I’d spent so long staring at that ceiling I had every small imperfection memorized, every tiny crack due to the house settling, every small dent where the carpenters who mudded didn’t make it smooth enough.
This was my ceiling, and I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like once I wasn’t here. After all, Michelle was right. Sooner or later I’d have to move out, become my own person, live my own life. At twenty, I still had some time, but I had no idea what I would do, how I would get there and support myself. I’d have my own bills, my own job. I’d be even lonelier than I was now.
That was not something I wanted to think about.
I decided to check my phone again, to see if Mason was up and he’d already responded. He usually worked Saturday mornings, so I doubted he’d seen the message yet.
My phone screen was absent any notifications, just as I suspected. I heaved a sigh, though I did not get up. I did turn my buzzer back on, though.
I had no idea how much time passed before my door opened again. This time, it wasn’t my mom. This time it was Michelle, who looked groggy beyond all belief, black bags under her eyes—bags that were usually hidden by makeup. Her yellow hair was in a messy bun, and she wore a baggy shirt and sweats, her typical sleeping gear.
I was about to tell her to go away, but she crept into my room, silently closed the door, and sat cross-legged beside my bed, studying me as if trying to ascertain how my date last night went. When she got nothing from my expression, she asked, “Well? Don’t keep me waiting. How was it?”
I wanted to throw my pillow at her, make her go away, but I didn’t. All I did was sigh and say, “Fine.”
>
“Fine?” she echoed, her impeccably-plucked eyebrows lifting. “That’s it? Just fine? No other details? Come on, Bree, spill.” Michelle folded her arms across her chest, looking stern. Hell, I had no idea why she was up. It was too early for her. Why wasn’t she sleeping? Why wasn’t she at Kyle’s or something?
Wait a moment.
She was with Kyle last night. If they ended up at his house…she probably already heard all about my date and how it went. My heart beat faster with that knowledge, because the last thing I wanted to admit to my sister was the fact that Calum had kissed me.
“Why do I feel like you already know?” I muttered, hugging my pillow as I slowly sat up and leaned against the wall my bed was on. It wasn’t like the pillow could shield me, so I had no idea why I grabbed it and was trying to use it as one.
Michelle flashed me a million-dollar smile. “Because I do. Kyle and I were already at his house when Calum came back. I sent Kyle into his room to get all the details, because I knew you’d be like this when I asked you.”
Ugh, of course.
“Then why are you here, asking me?” I questioned, wishing she would get the hint and go away. At least Mom hadn’t been so insistent earlier.
“Because I want to hear it from you.”
“Hear what from me?” Maybe acting clueless would get her to go away.
Michelle blinked, giving me a look that told me it wasn’t going to work. She was here to stay, and stay she would until she heard what she wanted, heard what she already knew. “Bree,” she whispered my name, “come on. Just spit it out.”
I shrugged. “It was fine. Calum was nice. I was nice.”
“And?”
Averting my gaze from her, I muttered, “And he kissed me, okay?” There, I said it aloud. He kissed me. Hopefully Michelle would be happy hearing it from me, and she could finally go away and leave me be. That wasn’t too much to hope for, was it?
A sly, mischievous grin spread across her face, the kind of grin that made me want to bury myself under my blankets and disappear. The kind of grin that told me exactly what she was thinking. “And how was it? When I tried to get Kyle to go back into his brother’s room to ask about the kiss, he refused to.”
Sounds of Silence: A Contemporary Romance Page 11
