“I’m going to have to call you back,” I said, not waiting for her response before hanging up and sliding the phone into my back pocket. This was the last thing I wanted to do tonight, but I figured, since the opportunity presented itself, I might as well make it crystal fucking clear, in case it wasn’t already before.
I threw open the door, frowning at the beautiful blonde standing in the hallway. She was bundled up in a thin fur coat, her hair pulled into a low ponytail on her right shoulder. Her brown eyes bore into me, wordlessly pleading, and those lips I knew all too well started to part as she spoke.
“Calum,” Hilary said, rushing to me, practically throwing herself onto me and pushing us both into the apartment. Her action caught me off-guard, and it was all I could do to catch her and stay upright.
My hands fit perfectly around her waist, but I pushed her off all the same, quickly taking a step back from her, putting distance between us. “What the hell are you doing here, Hilary?” It was difficult to even say her name. I flung it at her like a curse word, my blood boiling.
Maybe some people could get over an episode of cheating, but not me. Never me. There were a few automatic deal breakers for me, and cheating was one of them. Hilary and I were exclusive, she was my girlfriend, and yet she saw fit to find herself in the arms of my roommate and my best friend.
There was no coming back from that. Surely she had to realize this.
“I came to talk to you,” she said. “You can’t ignore me forever.” She was right, in a way. Even though this city was big, fate had a habit of tossing you with the people you least wanted to see. For me, that was definitely Hilary.
I looked at her like she was crazy, because she was. Absolutely, one hundred percent crazy. “What is there to talk about? You fucked Trent. We’re over. That’s pretty much all there is to it.” My words were blunt; there really was nothing left to say. Whatever Hilary hoped she’d get here, she would get nothing of the sort.
There was no coming back from what she did, and she needed to realize it. It’d been weeks. Hilary needed to face the fact that she’d fucked up, and move on, like I was.
“It was a mistake,” she said, stepping toward me, pleading with those big, brown eyes. Those eyes that had weakened my resolve on more than one occasion. Those eyes that I was so used to seeing under me, or above me. For so long, it’d been only her.
And now? Now I couldn’t imagine it. Now every single memory was tainted, and I wanted nothing more to do with her. Why the hell couldn’t she see that?
“Please, Calum, give me another chance,” she went on, taking yet another step closer to me. She reached out, running a hand down my chest. “You won’t regret it.”
I pulled away, but the bitch followed me, like a lost puppy, eager to find her home with me again. In my arms, in my bed. Places she would never be again. Surely she had to see that this, whatever this was, wasn’t working? I wasn’t going to take her back. Not now, not ever.
“I miss you,” Hilary said, her voice shaking. “I miss you so much, babe. Please, just—just give me another chance.”
“What makes you think I want to give you another chance?” I asked, unable to hide the venom from my tone. This woman took hold of my heart and shattered it without even blinking. I didn’t doubt that if I wouldn’t have come home right then, she and I would still be together, me being blissfully ignorant of the fact that she’d hooked up with Trent. How could I possibly live with such a liar?
And to think…to think I’d actually thought about asking this girl to marry me. That would’ve been the worst mistake of my life.
“What makes you think I can even look at you without wanting to scream?” My second question stunned her into silence. Good. “I can’t even think of all the good times we had together without wondering whether you were sneaking around my back with every other guy in your life! Why would I want to put myself through that again?”
“Calum,” she cried, tears cascading down her cheeks. At one point, those tears would’ve broken my heart, but today? Today they simply made me feel as if she was trying to manipulate me. “Please—”
I shook my head, stopping her from reaching out again. “No. Get out, Hilary, and don’t come back. I blocked your number for a reason. You and me…we’re over.” Over, one hundred percent over. There was no coming back from what she did, no more us.
If she was willing to sleep with Trent while being exclusive with me, I couldn’t help but wonder if there ever really was an us to begin with.
Hilary stood there, staring at me, for a good long minute. She blinked, more tears falling, but it was like it finally clicked in her head. Finally, after all this time, she was realizing we were over, that there was no coming back from what she’d done. No more us. It wasn’t a game of patience, of waiting for the shock to wear off; we’d split irreparably.
She said nothing, turning on her heel and leaving, and I waited a moment before going to shut the door, breathing out a long sigh once she was gone and I was alone. It was a damned good thing she didn’t show her face when Trent was here, otherwise…otherwise I couldn’t be sure what I would’ve done. I would’ve been angrier, definitely.
I gave myself a few minutes to calm down before grabbing my phone and calling Bree back. It rang a few times before she answered it, though she did not sound too sure as she said, “Hello? Is everything okay?”
Hearing her voice soothed the ache in my soul, the wound seeing Hilary had reopened inside. I closed my eyes, wishing I was with Bree right now, wishing I could hold her, lean into her, bury my face in that bright pink hair and forget about the rest of the world.
It took me too long to speak, but eventually I said, “Yeah.” The last thing I wanted to do was tell Bree that Hilary was just here, but…I found I wanted to say it, anyways. Get it off my chest and out in the open, show Bree that I was serious about her, that I’d never go back to my ex. “It was Hilary.”
Bree didn’t answer for a while, and when she did, she said something I totally wasn’t expecting: “It’s okay, Calum. I get it.”
I stopped pacing the hall, freezing as I asked, “What?”
“You don’t have to say it. I…I’ve been waiting for it to happen. It’s okay.”
Waiting for what to happen? Did Bree think…did she think I was getting back together with Hilary? Did she think that I was calling her back to break things off with her? Why the hell would I want to end things with the girl I was falling for, the girl who took up space in my mind at all hours of the day?
“Bree—”
It sounded like her mind was already made up, like she’d been bracing herself for this since the beginning. “It’s okay. I know what you’re going to say, so you don’t have to. It was fun while it lasted. I…goodbye, Calum.” And then, before I could get a word in, edgewise, Bree hung up.
I blinked, staring at my phone screen, at the call ended flashing across it. What the hell? No, no. I called her back, but she let it go straight to voicemail. Twice, three times…she’d either blocked my number immediately or turned off her phone. I repeat: what the absolute hell?
By now, I knew how Bree’s mind worked. I knew she probably thought Hilary and I were fixing things over here, even though I’d told her, swore to her, that that would never happen. I grew upset. Not angry at Bree, but just in general.
I knew that girl didn’t like surprises, but I didn’t care. She and I needed to have a talk, and it was a talk you could only have in person. Before I thought better of it, I grabbed my keys and was out the door. It’d be pitch-black, super late by the time I got to her house, but I didn’t care. Bree needed to know that things were over between me and Hilary…
But they weren’t over between us.
If no one else would fight for her, I would.
Chapter Sixteen – Bree
Intense sorrow rose within me, and I was unable to fight it. Why bother, when I’d known this would happen all along? It was like a train wreck; I couldn’t look away, cou
ldn’t turn my back to it, even though I’d seen all the signs that pointed us towards disaster.
I knew Calum would never stay with me forever. I knew whatever we had was only temporary…but still, that did not make me feel any better. It was no comfort to me, not right now, and it would never be.
When I hung up the phone, I turned it off. I knew Calum well enough to know he’d call back, wanting to talk, wanting to explain himself. He’d told me he would never get back with his ex, and I nodded along like a stupid fool, wanting to believe him—but all the while, deep down, I knew love worked in mysterious and sometimes downright stupid ways. I knew there was no hope for Calum and I.
How could I stand against a woman who’d held his heart for so long? I wasn’t special. I wasn’t worth it. I was just me, and that was the opposite of a compliment.
All of the emotion warring inside me bubbled to my face, and I wanted to cry, to let it out because I was so freaking sad. I didn’t want to say goodbye to Calum, but it was for the best. I’d known I wouldn’t be able to keep both him and Mason anyway…better say goodbye sooner rather than later.
And Mason…the clock was ticking on him, too. He’d walk out of my life as soon as we were done with this project, as soon as we shared no more classes and never saw each other on campus.
I bit back the tears as I stumbled out of my room, my goal the bathroom. Hide myself away in the shower, let the warm water course over me, and cry.
But I ran into my sister in the hall. Even though it was Thursday, she was getting ready for a night out with Kyle. She walked out of the bathroom right before I tried going in, half her hair curled. The other half of her blonde hair was pinned to her head, out of the way, and it looked like she’d retrieved the bottle of hairspray from the vanity’s cupboards.
Michelle instantly froze, still in my way. “Is everything okay?”
My eyes were watering; no, it should be obvious nothing was okay, but I wouldn’t hold it against her. I knew sometimes I made a big deal out of nothing, that my negativity got the better of me, but this didn’t feel like one of those times.
This…this felt like my whole world was crumbling down in front of me, and I couldn’t lift a finger to try to save it.
“I’m not seeing Calum anymore,” I muttered, forcing myself to push past her, get into the bathroom, and shut the door before she could ask me any questions. My shaking fingers pushed the lock—not like it did much; all you had to do to unlock it was get a butterknife and jiggle it from the outside—but it was at least some semblance of privacy.
“Bree, what happened?” Michelle’s voice spoke through the door.
All I was able to say was “Go away.” She might’ve responded to that, but I tuned her out, reaching an arm into the shower and turning the water on, as hot as it would go. I pulled the curtain closed and let the water heat up as I shed my clothes, piece by piece.
The hot water would fade my hair, but at this point, I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything. That was the nightmare of my life—when I did finally care about something, it never ended well. You’d think I would’ve learned not to hope, not to expect anything other than crashing and burning.
But, for whatever reason, Calum and Mason had made me feel things. They’d given me hope, and now I felt crushed because, like I knew it was, in the end it was nothing but pointless.
Once I was free of my clothes, I stepped into the shower. The air was already thick with steam, the water scalding. I gave the showerhead my back, bending my head as I finally let the tears out. Crying only gave massive headaches after you were finished, but that’s what my life was, so I was used to it.
The utter hopelessness, the pointlessness…everything sucked so much, and it was only made worse because I knew I shouldn’t feel like this. I shouldn’t be so impossibly sad all the time, but I was. I was, and simply trying to be happy, pretending to be better, didn’t do shit. When someone was missing an arm, you didn’t tell them to just grow it back. Things didn’t work like that.
I buried my face in my hands, my shoulders shaking as the sadness poured out of me like a waterfall.
What sucked even more was the fact that I’d really had fun with them. I’d really felt myself falling for Calum and Mason, even though I knew the entire time I shouldn’t let myself. Why didn’t I put more walls up? Why didn’t I push them away, stand my ground, refuse any more dates? Why didn’t I tell Mason that I would do everything for the project and that there was no need for him to come over or me to go to his place?
I’d been so stupid, this whole time. I pretty much put myself in this position, knowing the risks, knowing what the future held. It was awful seeing small glimpses of the life I could have if I was normal, if I wasn’t so…me. If I wasn’t me. I’d been fine in my little bubble, but now that I’d seen the outside world, felt the warmth blossoming in me from a man’s kiss, how was I supposed to pretend that everything was fine in my little bubble?
Suddenly my little bubble felt constricting, too small, too uncomfortable. My bubble felt foreign, like I shouldn’t be in it at all. Which, of course, was ridiculous, because it was my bubble. I’d made it, I’d built it as I grew up, knowing I wasn’t like everyone else, feeling awkward in social encounters and letting everyone else put in the effort. My parents thought I had friends until high school graduation, that my friends had lost contact with me when they went to colleges that were far away, but they were wrong.
You see, I’d long lost them, because there was no point in trying to keep them. I knew they would go away after high school, so in my mind, it was better to cut the cord sooner. The same went for Calum, and I knew it would be the same for Mason, too.
It wasn’t like I wanted to say goodbye to either of them, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep them happy. They’d see the real me, and then they’d realize I wasn’t worth it.
I couldn’t say how long I stood there, crying, letting my doubts get the best of me, but it was a long while. My skin grew red from the hotness of the water, and I eventually sunk to my knees, sitting on tub below. I wrapped my arms around my knees, pulling them close to my chest, and my whole body shook with the emotion I felt.
I hated feeling like this. I hated knowing I shouldn’t be like this. How could it be that everyone else was happy with their life? How could they just wake up and look forward to things? How could they encounter something awful and then bounce back like nothing happened? That would never be me, and I hated it.
Time didn’t matter as I sat there in the shower, lost in my internal sorrow. However, when the hot water began to feel not so hot, I knew it was time for me to get out. Get out, dry myself off, throw my clothes back on, and go the fuck to bed. Let this stupid, horrible day be over with already.
Mmm. I kind of felt that way about my life, but suicide was never an option. I might be miserable, but I didn’t want things to just end. There was nothing I feared more than the nothingness that surely came after this.
Heaving a trembling sigh, I turned off the water and got out. The mirror was fogged up, but I didn’t need to see my face to know it was puffy, that my eyes were rimmed in red. I was no longer crying, but to anyone who saw me, it’d be more than obvious. Mom and Dad were in bed by now, which was good—and I bet Michelle had left sometime during my shower.
I’d be as alone as I could possibly be.
I turned off the bathroom light before stepping out. Didn’t do a very good job at drying myself before throwing on my clothes—they stuck to me in places they shouldn’t, but I didn’t care. The hall was quiet and empty, as dark as a hall could be in the early night. Not a sound came from my parents’ room further down the hall, and I stood there, letting my eyes adjust to the darkness before I walked.
Instead of going to my room and throwing myself onto my bed, I decided to head downstairs into the kitchen, to get some water. My head was already starting to hurt from all of my crying, and truly, there was nothing worse than a pounding brain inside your skull.
This was my life. I had to suck it up. Pretend to smile and be happy, at least make everyone else happy. Who cared if I wasn’t?
While I was lost in my head, car lights flashed in the windows in the front of the house, like someone was pulling up. I left my place near the sink, my fingers hardening their hold on the glass as I went to the living room to peer out.
A car sat in the driveway, and through the moonlight, I recognized it. What the hell was Mason doing here?
My heart skipped a beat in my chest, and I glanced up the stairs, hearing not a peep from my parents. Before I thought better of it, I unlocked the front door and went out, still holding onto that glass, still a mess from my emotional shower. I hadn’t even brushed my hair afterward. If anyone looked like a ragamuffin, it was me, in that moment.
The porch creaked under my bare feet, and I shivered in the nighttime air. I didn’t put on a jacket, and I was dripping wet. Not the best way to step out into a late fall night.
Mason turned his car off before getting out, and I watched, my eyebrows furrowing, as he came up to me, looking just as cute as ever—only a hell of a lot more concerned. For me? His brown hair was almost black under the moonlight, his dark eyes even darker as he studied me. “Bree, are you alright? What’s going on?”
I ignored his questions, instead asking my own, “What are you doing here?” I was thankful for the night air, because at least it helped to hide my puffy face.
He moved to stand less than two feet in front of me, at the base of the porch. “Your sister texted me on your phone, saying you needed me.”
Sounds of Silence: A Contemporary Romance Page 18
