The Summer Guest

by Emma Hannigan

  ‘It is.’

  ‘Right, let me grab my coat. I’ll run you over in the car.’

  Silence prevailed because Lexie had purposely turned the radio off. Every couple of seconds she glanced at Amélie. She was pale and anxious. They pulled up outside her house and Lexie killed the engine. ‘You’re in luck. Only the en-suite light is on in Billy and Dee’s bathroom. If you go in now they won’t have to know you ran away. Go on in, sweetie, and good luck today. You’re a clever girl. Try to keep your wits about you. You’ll be fine.’

  ‘Thanks for everything,’ Amélie said, leaning over to hug her.

  ‘Text me later if you think of it and let me know how the exams went.’

  Amélie shut the car door as quietly as she could and scurried into the house.

  As Lexie drove the short distance home, the feeling that something awful lay ahead returned ten-fold. And she couldn’t block a comment Amélie had made. Her niece honestly thought the gallery was her one true love. Did everybody think she was that cold and emotionless? Did Sam think she loved her business more than him? Did her parents too?

  As she remembered her parents’ glee of the day before, which had been in stark contrast to the look of hurt and disappointment Sam had given her, she understood why Amélie thought running away would be a good option. With a sinking feeling, she let herself back into number three Cashel Square and headed for the shower.

  Sam stirred as she appeared in their room wrapped in a towel with wet hair. ‘Where did you go?’ he asked, stretching.

  ‘I had an early-morning visit from a distressed Amélie.’

  ‘What’s up? Where is she?’

  ‘I dropped her home a while ago. She was having a bit of a meltdown. Boy trouble mixed with exam nerves and a bit of my-parents-are-aliens thrown in.’

  ‘Ah,’ Sam said, nodding. ‘Poor kid.’

  ‘I felt so bad for her,’ Lexie said, gripping the edge of the bath towel. ‘But I also felt like a complete fraud giving her advice. My own life is such a mess I’m hardly role-model material.’

  ‘She doesn’t know that. At least she feels she can talk to you,’ Sam said, throwing the covers back and getting out of bed. He didn’t hug, kiss or even touch her as he walked into the bathroom. Lexie stood frozen to the spot. Sam had never been like that before. Normally he’d hug her, reassure her that she wasn’t a mess and tell her he loved her. There was silence from the shower again.

  Lexie was still standing in the same spot wrapped in the damp towel with her hair dripping down her back when Sam emerged from the bathroom with a towel around his middle.

  ‘Why are you standing there shivering? I thought you were going to your parents’ this morning.’

  ‘I am,’ she said. ‘I wanted to ask if you’d come with me.’

  He paused. ‘Right, then. Let’s go and get it over with.’

  ‘I’ll get in touch with Kate and make sure she can open up the gallery,’ she added.

  Sam felt awful. He’d known something was going on with Lexie for the past few weeks, maybe even months. He’d never felt removed from her before now. He’d thought they had a really special relationship and could talk about anything. His mates often said stuff about their wives or girlfriends. Derogatory stuff, about how naggy or moody they were. He’d always had a laugh with them about it and, in retrospect, had probably been a bit of a smug git about his marriage. ‘You should be with someone like Lexie,’ he’d say, amid groans. It was a running joke with the lads that he and Lex were the perfect couple.

  He could talk to Josh about this bad patch. They’d really bonded after little Calvin was born. But Sam wasn’t sure he wanted to bare his soul and admit to the cracks that seemed to be forming in his life. He’d never envisaged feeling lonely when Lexie was at his side. But that was exactly how he’d felt lately.

  He knew he was going back on his word. He had said he’d be happy without kids. But that was years ago. They’d been at a different point in life then. They’d just got married, bought the house and then Lexie had had to rejig her career. Meanwhile he had been busy establishing his own space in the business world. At the time he hadn’t been able to think about children. They’d never spoken about it as a couple, but he was certain Lexie had been as rocked by the shock of Calvin having Down’s as he had.

  Now, with hindsight and knowing that gorgeous little boy, who was bursting with personality and ready to take on the world, Sam could see the happiness he brought Maia and Josh. Things had changed. He and Lexie had built their life together – business was going well and they had a beautiful ready-made family home.

  He missed his parents and brother. He couldn’t possibly go on Skype and tell his folks that he was terrified his marriage was over. How would he put into words that he wasn’t sure whether or not he could stay with Lexie if she wouldn’t give him a child?

  Why didn’t she long to have a baby? Why didn’t she see those gorgeous children yesterday and think she’d love to have one of their own flesh and blood, with either pigtails or a cute little spiked haircut? Sam sat on the end of their bed and stared into space. At that moment, he felt as if he were living in a different universe from his wife.

  Chapter 20

  Lexie made breakfast and put on a wash, then phoned Kate. Thankfully, she was obliging as usual and agreed to do the morning shift instead of her usual Monday afternoon. The ducks were in a row. All she needed now was Sam.

  Fear crept through her as he appeared downstairs. She rushed to the kitchen table with a basket of toast and his freshly made coffee. ‘Okay, now … We’ll have a bite to eat and see what time we’re at. I need to get to my parents’ house as quickly as possible.’

  ‘Are you sure I should be there for this chat?’ he asked. ‘I wasn’t there when the confusion began and, to be perfectly honest, I can’t say whether or not I can back you up on it.’ Sam paused. ‘I never thought I’d hear myself saying it, but I think I agree with your mother on this one …’ There was a silence. ‘I actually don’t think I can do this today …’

  ‘Please, Sam,’ she begged. ‘I need you with me. We can talk later about our future plans. Maybe we will have a baby some day,’ she said, in panic. ‘Who knows? But right now I feel like the bad fairy coming in to ruin everyone’s happiness.’

  ‘If that’s how you feel, maybe you should think deeply about whether or not you’re making the right decision. Often when things don’t sit well it’s because they’re wrong.’

  Her voice was barely above a whisper. ‘I don’t think I’ve made the wrong decision about not having a baby.’

  ‘Right,’ he said, grabbing his briefcase. ‘I’ll accompany you to your parents’ house because you’ve asked me to. I can’t call the office and say I’m not coming in because we’ve a lot on this morning so I’ll have to be quick. Let’s go.’

  As they sat in his car, Sam put on the morning news and drove without uttering a single syllable.

  Lexie sat like a poker in the passenger seat, feeling increasingly nervous as they approached her childhood home.

  ‘Ready?’ Sam said, as he turned off the ignition and opened his door.

  ‘No, but let’s do it.’

  Lexie used her key to open the front door. Her parents were at the breakfast table as they entered the kitchen.

  ‘Well, hello there, you two!’ Penelope shrilled. ‘Two visits in one week? We’re honoured.’

  ‘Good morning, folks. Sorry to barge in on you while you’re enjoying your breakfast,’ said Sam.

  ‘Not at all, come and join us,’ Reggie said, getting up. ‘Congratulations, Sam. Penelope and I couldn’t be happier.’ He pumped Sam’s hand up and down and banged him on the back.

  Sam looked at Lexie. She widened her eyes.

  ‘Eh, this is more than a little awkward,’ Sam began. ‘There’s been a misunderstanding.’

  ‘Oh, really?’ Penelope said, still smiling. ‘Sit down, both of you. All that hovering around makes me nervous!’

  �
��Mum, when I called in yesterday—’

  ‘Oh, you made us happier than we’ve felt for years!’ Penelope interrupted.

  ‘You really did,’ Reggie confirmed, leaning across the table to pat his beaming wife’s hand.

  ‘Mum!’ Lexie said loudly. ‘Sorry.’ She squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath. ‘I didn’t mean to shout. But I need you to listen to me. You got the wrong end of the stick yesterday.’ She looked at Sam for back-up.

  ‘Lexie’s not pregnant,’ Sam said.

  There was silence as Reggie and Penelope looked at each other, then at Lexie and Sam. Sam’s eyes were on the floor.

  ‘Why did you tell us you were, then? How could you let us believe you were having a baby?’

  ‘I didn’t, Mum. You put two and two together and came up with five.’

  ‘So why didn’t you put us straight? You shouldn’t have left this house without clearing it up,’ Reggie said. He was clearly gutted.

  ‘Oh, Dad, I’m so sorry.’ Lexie’s voice cracked and she began to cry.

  Meanwhile, Sam sat observing the scene with dismay. His immediate reaction was to put his arm around her and tell her it was all going to be fine. But when he tried to lift it, it felt like lead. He didn’t want to comfort her. The terrible part of him was actually pleased she was so upset.

  ‘I don’t understand,’ Penelope said, choked. ‘What were you trying to tell us?’

  ‘I … We … I don’t want children. I thought it would be better to tell you so you’re not wondering any longer,’ Lexie managed.

  ‘But that’s preposterous!’ Penelope barked. ‘What do you mean you don’t want children? What happy couple doesn’t want a baby?’

  ‘Are you two separating?’ Reggie asked. ‘Is that it?’

  ‘No. Not at all,’ Lexie said, albeit slightly hesitantly.

  ‘Then why don’t you want to enrich your life by starting a family?’ Reggie asked. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘Dad, we’re happy the way we are,’ Lexie said. ‘Other people choose to have a family but it isn’t compulsory.’

  ‘Have you tried and it didn’t work? You could get help. Lots of couples have fertility treatment. Dad and I can help if it’s a money issue.’

  ‘No, Mum,’ Lexie said, sighing. ‘It’s none of those things. We simply don’t want children.’

  Penelope and Reggie stared at them in astonishment.

  ‘I feel like I don’t know you recently,’ Penelope said to Lexie.

  ‘Mum! That’s a terrible thing to say,’ Lexie cried.

  ‘And what you’ve both just said isn’t?’

  ‘This is getting us nowhere,’ Sam interjected. ‘I think we should go now. Lexie was adamant she wanted to tell you both about her choice. We’ve done that now. I need to get to work.’

  ‘I see,’ Reggie said gruffly. ‘Sam, you’re not saying much.’

  Sam looked him directly in the eye.

  ‘You just said her choice. Are we correct in presuming that this is your choice too, Sam?’

  The words hung in the air and Lexie shifted in her seat. ‘Sam?’ she said weakly. ‘Did you hear what Dad said?’

  ‘Yes,’ he said, sounding strangled. ‘I did hear you, Reggie, and I’m struggling with how I should answer.’ They all waited. ‘I’m not actually sure how I feel at the moment so, if it’s all the same with you, I’d rather not discuss it now.’

  Reggie nodded. ‘Sorry. I had to ask.’

  Sam stood up and walked swiftly from the room.

  Lexie was staring at both her parents.

  ‘Thank you for calling in,’ Reggie said, standing up.

  ‘Dad!’ Lexie pleaded. ‘We don’t want to fall out with you. Please …’

  ‘Look at how well you get on with Amélie,’ Penelope said.

  ‘Yes, but we only see her in snippets,’ Lexie said. ‘We get the good parts and her poor parents get the day-to-day difficult bits.’

  ‘What about Calvin? You adore him,’ Penelope said. ‘You’re always buying him clothes and toys and showing me pictures of him. How do you not want a child, Lexie? What’s wrong with you? Was your childhood so dreadful that you don’t want to replicate it?’

  ‘What about when you’re old?’ Reggie added. ‘Who will look after you?’

  ‘Sam and I will look after each other or we’ll go to a nice retirement home,’ Lexie said. ‘Besides, we wouldn’t have a baby just so it could grow up to be a free geriatric nurse.’ Lexie was shaking from head to toe. She couldn’t believe how dreadful she felt. It seemed everyone, including the people she loved most, was starting to view her as a monster. Was she a hideous person? Did she have some sort of dreadful emotional affliction?

  She was sick with guilt at upsetting her parents and making Sam so cross. But Lexie was certain of one thing. She still didn’t want to have a baby.

  She didn’t attempt to hug either of her parents. Instead she grabbed her bag and rushed to the front door. Sam had already started the car. His face was stern as he stared directly ahead, gripping the steering wheel.

  ‘Please!’ Penelope had run after her. ‘Reconsider, Lexie. Don’t do this. You’re missing out on so much. You don’t know what it’s like to hold a baby when it’s just born. It’s magical. At least, that’s what I imagine,’ Penelope said, as she began to sob.

  ‘What are you talking about, Mum?’ Lexie was astonished.

  ‘I missed out with both you and Billy. He was a Caesarean delivery and I lost so much blood they had to operate on me and take him to the special-care unit.’

  ‘I didn’t know, Mum. That’s tough,’ Lexie whispered.

  ‘You were premature. Because I’d been so sick with Billy they told me my body mightn’t manage another pregnancy. But I wanted you so badly I risked everything for a second child.’

  ‘I nearly lost Penelope. I thought I was facing the challenge of raising two babies alone,’ Reggie said. ‘It was a terrible time.’

  ‘You were six weeks old by the time I got out of hospital,’ Penelope said. ‘Your father was wonderful. He knew how to change nappies, make bottles and co-ordinate Billy’s little meals.’

  ‘I found it seriously difficult at first,’ he admitted, ‘but once I got into my stride I was fine. People were so kind. Everyone, including me, was convinced Penelope would die.’

  ‘Oh, Dad, it must’ve been hell for you,’ Lexie said, leaning against the wall. ‘And you, Mum. Stuck in a hospital away from your family.’

  ‘By the time I was well enough to take over from your dad, I felt like an intruder in my own home.’ Penelope’s face crumpled and she began to cry.

  ‘Mum!’ Lexie said, crying too. ‘I’m so sorry. I had no idea.’

  ‘You cried when I tried to pick you up,’ Penelope said. ‘You sat in your bouncy chair and eyeballed me, terrified of your own mother. The only time you smiled for the first week was when Reggie came home from work.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?’ Lexie thought back to all those times when her mother had lost her reason if she sat on a wall, dirtied her clothes or messed in the garden. She had a thing about washing hands, and it wasn’t unheard of for Penelope to disinfect the front doorstep.

  ‘I only wanted the best for you,’ Penelope said tearfully. ‘But the more I tried to reach you, the more you pushed me away.’

  ‘That’s not fair, Mum,’ Lexie said. ‘You can’t blame me for not wanting to sit quietly while my friends played in the park. Or for rebelling when you wanted me dressed in frills ninety per cent of my childhood and threatened to send me to my room if I got dirty.’

  ‘Was I that bad?’ Penelope asked sadly.

  ‘Yes, Mum. You were.’

  ‘And when Billy got Dee pregnant, her parents called here and read the Riot Act,’ Reggie recalled. ‘They ranted and raved and called our Billy every name under the sun. They even tried to insinuate he’d taken advantage of their daughter.’

  ‘What?’ Lexie scoffed. ‘Are they cra
zy?’

  ‘No, just old-fashioned and deeply religious. They were rocked to the core that their daughter was pregnant out of wedlock.’

  ‘They were older having Dee, so they were practically a different generation from us,’ Penelope said.

  ‘They begged us not to tell a soul about the pregnancy. Billy and Dee got married and you know the rest.’

  Lexie stood at the front door and tried to take it all in. She felt so sorry for her mother. It didn’t excuse her cracked behaviour during Lexie’s childhood but it explained it to a point.

  ‘I know I’ve been pushing you to have a baby, Lexie,’ Penelope said, ‘but I didn’t mean any harm. I only want you to be happy. I want you to have a little person who looks up to you and whom you can adore.’

  ‘I hate to sound awful, but I need to get to work and so does Sam,’ Lexie said. ‘I know there’s probably years of upset to be chatted about but it’s good that we’ve made a start. Getting things out in the open has to be healthy.’

  ‘I agree,’ said Reggie, immediately. ‘Once we all talk we’ll be just fine. We love you so much, darling, and it was very wrong of us to try to bamboozle you into doing something so important for our gain. We’re sorry, aren’t we, Penelope?’

  Lexie glanced at her mother. After a moment Penelope nodded. They all hugged and said they’d see each other soon.

  Lexie sat into the car and Sam drove like a bat out of Hell.

  ‘How are you feeling?’ Lexie asked him.

  ‘I needed all that drama like a hole in the head,’ Sam said.

  Lexie explained what her parents had just told her. ‘I actually feel sorry for Mum,’ she said. ‘Clearly she’s so uptight because of all that pent-up emotion. If it happened now, she’d be offered counselling. Back then, people were just turfed out of hospitals and left to fend for themselves.’

  Sam didn’t answer.

  ‘Do you not agree?’ Lexie ventured.

  ‘I’ve never been a fan of all this bullshit counselling stuff. I can’t help thinking that dredging over things again and again is worse than facing up to stuff and bloody well getting on with it.’

  Lexie had never known Sam could be so cold. How could he not empathise with her mum and dad?