Yours, Juli

by Thalia Lark

  ‘Don’t worry.’ Lori patted my forearm, bringing me back to the present. ‘We’ll find something. What do you have?’

  I shrugged again. ‘Jeans and T-shirts? Dating wasn’t really on my list of expectations for boarding school. I thought they’d be really tight-assed about that kind of thing.’

  She chewed on her lip thoughtfully. ‘I’m sure we can find something suitable. You can borrow one of my tops if you like. I have a gorgeous red V-neck with sequins around the neck which would suit you. It’ll look great with just a pair of jeans and your Converses – classy, but still you.’

  I smirked.

  Suddenly there were clattering footsteps and Emma burst through the door, her face flushed in a manner quite unlike her usual composed self. She gasped for breath as she gazed at us and clutched the door handle for support. ‘Oh my gosh, you guys…Virgil…Virgil Thomas…he just…’ She beamed excitedly, panting. ‘He just asked me out!’

  I widened my eyes slightly, feeling like we were in some sort of skit on the clichéd trials and tribulations of adolescence, and unbelieving that anyone could be that into a boy. But then, I reminded myself, I felt as crazy about Alex as Emma did about Virgil – albeit with fewer hysterics and more, well, internal struggle – so I was in no position to judge. ‘That’s great, Em,’ I said.

  Lori sat up with more vigour. ‘That’s fantastic! Wow, it really seems to be everyone’s week, doesn’t it?’ She jabbed me in the side and I twisted around in annoyance. ‘Harvey asking you out must have given everyone else a boost of confidence.’

  We spent an hour choosing outfits for the now quadruple date, not by my choice. I was happy to wear jeans and the top Lori had suggested and be done with it. But Lori and Emma, and Noelene who joined us twenty minutes later, ruffled through piles of pretty tops and leggings for forty minutes before coming to satisfied conclusions. Nell’s dark blonde hair and light brown eyes would have suited any of the earthy colours she held up over her T-shirt, but apparently the pants she was wearing demanded a certain style of top.

  Finally, we were all ready, and at three o’clock headed down and outside to meet the boys at the corner of the pavement. I felt self-conscious in Lori’s red V-neck, but at least I didn’t feel underdressed beside my friends. I walked with my hands in my pockets, joining Harvey as the others walked ahead.

  Harvey smiled, but he looked troubled. Nevertheless, he complimented my dress code, though I could tell he was surprised by the suggestive style of Lori’s top, steeply contrasted against the usual plain T-shirts I wore as it was. I had brushed my hair and tied it into a ponytail. Lori had attempted to attack it with her curling iron, but I’d dodged out of the way, preferring it as straight and boring as it ever was.

  ‘I wasn’t planning on all this,’ he said suddenly, his voice lowered. ‘I’d hoped we could just – you know – spend some time alone.’

  I’d initially been disconcerted by the large number of our group, but perhaps it had all worked out for the best, given the provocative tone with which Harvey said that. ‘Oh well.’ I shrugged nonchalantly and tried not to look unsettled. ‘We can just sit apart from them today and come out again some other time.’

  Harvey nodded, seemingly satisfied. ‘I’ve already got a topic in mind for our conversation,’ he said, smiling. ‘I’ve been talking far too much about myself lately. I want to hear all about you today. After all, that’s what first dates are for, right? Getting to know each other.’

  I nodded, inwardly groaning.

  The little French café Harvey had told us about was halfway down the main street and sported an array of round wrought-iron tables covered in blue gingham. There was a sheltered balcony outside and more seats inside, including a few tables against the wall with padded benches rather than chairs. The couples within our group sat nearby one another but reasonably separated. I followed Harvey to a table in the corner and tried not to glare at him for politely pulling my chair out for me. I was completely unused to romantic gestures from boys, and far too independent and strong-willed to really appreciate them.

  We ordered two strawberry thick shakes, a slice of orange and poppy seed cake for Harvey and a piece of chocolate mud cake with fresh cream and raspberries for me. If Harvey thought we’d be doing that cute thing where couples share each other’s food with two forks he had a surprise coming. We sat mostly in silence until our food was brought out by a terse-looking waitress, then Harvey started talking, presumably waiting until he was sure we wouldn’t be disturbed. ‘So, tell me something about you, Juli.’

  I raised one eyebrow, sipping my shake. ‘Like what?’ My tone was probably too guarded to pass as flirtatious, but I decided not to worry about it. There was a thick slice of chocolate mud cake eyeing me lovingly, and nothing else really mattered to me at that point.

  ‘Well…what do you do at home? You know, when you have time off?’

  So I told him about horse-riding, swimming in the dam, lying in the grass and watching the clouds float by, impressed at how romantic I made it all sound. I carefully left out the throwing tantrums in the field part, and the peeing behind trees on hacks, and the scooping pond weed off my legs before redressing.

  ‘Any siblings?’

  ‘Mum’s done an awful good job keeping it from me if I have any.’

  He laughed. ‘You’ve got a good sense of humour,’ he said, pushing his dark hair from his eyes. He had a smudge of crumbs on the corner of his mouth, but I decided to let it go. ‘What do you want to do when you finish school? Are you staying until grade twelve?’

  ‘Probably.’ I’d never really planned what I’d do after that. Each day seemed such a struggle to get through I couldn’t manage worrying about the future as well. ‘Then maybe something to do with horses,’ I said, hoping he wouldn’t pursue the topic.

  He asked me a multitude of questions from my favourite colour to the films I’d seen to my favourite subject to what my old school had been like. It was true I wasn’t being a particularly willing participant in the conversation, but I felt like I was being interrogated. I tried to steer the subject onto him a few times, but he always gave a short response and asked me another question, which I responded to with one twentieth the amount of information he’d given me.

  As the sky darkened outside and more thunderheads gathered in the distance, we all gave a unanimous vote to start heading back to school. I caught a glimpse of the wall clock and realised we’d been there for nearly an hour and a half. I couldn’t believe I’d survived that long. The date hadn’t been as bad as I’d thought.

  ‘We should do that again sometime,’ Harvey said, donning his jacket as we headed outside and back up the street.

  I smiled and nodded, watching my step in the dim light. The rainy weather hadn’t let up since last week. It was starting to feel like the Warrabeela flood season. ‘Sure.’ I glanced up and down the shop windows as we tailed the back of the group.

  ‘Maybe we could even go on an actual date, you know, the kind where the rest of the school doesn’t tag along.’ He chuckled, tucking his hands in his pockets.

  I smiled distractedly, my attention suddenly being caught by a flash of dark red hair as someone disappeared down the side of a small brick-walled pub. I frowned when they didn’t reappear, and looked back over my shoulder as we passed.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Harvey asked, following my gaze.

  I shook my head. ‘Nothing.’ But something felt wrong about the situation, and the lithe figure was too familiar not to investigate. I patted his arm awkwardly. ‘I’ll meet you up at the school, okay? I just left something behind.’

  ‘Oh, well, I’ll walk with you.’ He shrugged and made to turn around.

  ‘No, it’s alright.’ I hesitated. ‘I just – need some space.’

  ‘Oh.’ He looked confused, but nodded. ‘Alright. I’ll see you at dinner then.’

  I nodded and smiled encouragingly, waiting until he had joined the rest of the group to head back and peer down the alley besid
e the pub. My eyes adjusted to the darkness just in time to see a very, very familiar figure in a dark grey tracksuit launch herself off a wheelie bin and disappear over the side of the fence. Frowning and not really knowing what else to do, I followed.

  Secrets

  I stood in the dark alleyway and pressed my ear to a crack in the fence; I could just make out a faint clinking from the back of the pub. Clenching my teeth, I scrambled on top of the bin, heaving myself up from a small pile of bricks in the corner. Then I gripped the edge of the fence and kicked off, holding myself aloft by my arms for a brief moment before swinging one leg over and perching on my thigh. The clinking stopped and I watched Alex’s startled face look up at me from below, where she was standing beside a five-foot high green bin. I didn’t greet her, only swung my other leg over and dropped to the ground, dusting off my jeans as I rose to full height.

  The small courtyard behind the pub was even darker than the alley, shaded by high brick walls on all sides. If I couldn’t see the square of cloudy sky directly above us, I would have thought it was night time. The air was dank and musty and smelt of garbage. I frowned as I straightened up and lifted my chin, placing my hands on my hips. Alex didn’t look overly concerned that I was there. I did wonder briefly whether I should be more careful about breaking the rules; after all, I was sure the staff at St Peter’s would not be happy if they knew where I was. But rebellion was exhilarating and I couldn’t bring myself to care. Besides, even on probation, I reasoned concern for the safety and wellbeing of another student was as good as any excuse to overstep the boundaries.

  ‘What are you doing?’ I asked.

  Alex frowned and held a finger to her lips as she leant inside the massive bin beside the back door of the pub. ‘Could you be any louder?’

  I glanced at the door and then moved towards her. She pulled her head and arms out of the bin and passed me two empty wine bottles. I held them for a moment in confusion. ‘I don’t understand. Why am I holding two empty bottles?’

  She sighed and shook her head as though I was missing vital information. ‘They’re not empty bottles, Juli.’ She held them up in front of me and swirled them around. ‘These are two bottles one thirtieth full each of delicious alcoholic nectar.’

  I was still confused. ‘You’re planning on drinking them?’

  ‘No, I was going to line them up and look at them.’

  I ignored that, holding the bottles up myself and eyeing them as she rummaged inside the bin again. They had perhaps a solid mouthful of dark liquor swirling around each of their bottoms. ‘Is this a regular activity of yours?’

  She returned with more bottles, one with almost half an inch of dark liquid in the bottom. ‘Nearly every Saturday evening without fail.’ A small smile tweaked the corners of her mouth, but I could see her eyes were troubled. ‘Look at how much they left in that one.’ She set the bottles on the ground and continued the search.

  Somehow it didn’t surprise me to see her stealing wasted liquor from the pub’s recycle unit. ‘Do you want me to leave?’ I asked.

  She turned her head and frowned. ‘Of course not. It’s always better when there’s two. None of my friends ever had the guts to come with me, although I don’t know what they were worried about. There’s nowhere near enough liquor here to get wasted. Just enough to calm your worries.’

  I shrugged, setting the two bottles she’d passed me beside the others and assisting in the search. We managed to procure a dozen bottles of alcohol with decent amounts of drink left in the bottoms, and two severely crushed but unopened cans of beer. We crawled into the damp corner on the opposite side of the bin to the back door; we’d be completely hidden from view if the bartender came out to deposit more rubbish. I popped the top off one of the cans of beer, kind of glad it was warm with the chilliness that had settled in the air. I held it slightly away from me in case it frothed over, my Converses resting on the concrete and my long legs bent casually.

  Alex swirled the contents of one of the glass bottles and glanced at me approvingly. ‘I see it’s not your first time with a beer then.’

  I snorted. ‘Duh.’ I took a swig and licked my lips, leaning my head back against the damp bricks. ‘I used to sneak a beer from Dad’s cooler every so often.’

  She nodded, tipping the bottle up and draining it in one mouthful, scrunching her eyes closed and gasping after she’d swallowed. ‘Fuck, that’s strong,’ she said, holding her mouth open as her eyes watered. She found one similar in colour and offered it to me.

  I swirled it for a moment, glancing at her. ‘Don’t you ever worry about, like, diseases?’

  Alex shrugged, letting the bottle dangle from her fingertips as she rested her wrists on her knees. ‘I steer clear of the beer bottles and stuff.’

  I nodded, eyed the bottle in my hand, and then in one go gulped it down. It was like swallowing a mouthful of pure methylated spirits. My mouth and oesophagus burned and my eyes watered in response. ‘Shit,’ I coughed, raising a hand to my mouth.

  Alex smirked. ‘Obviously your first time with that stuff.’

  ‘What was that?’

  She took the bottle from my hands, sniffing it and then shrugging. ‘Probably vodka. I’m not an expert on alcoholic beverages.’

  I chose the fullest bottle with almost the half inch of dark liquid, knowing it was more likely to be wine than anything strong. I took a sip, feeling the liquor wash around my mouth and making it tingle, and warming my stomach as it made its way down. I nodded slowly as I handed it to Alex. ‘Not bad. Considering my sense of taste is being warped by the smell of garbage and cigarette smoke.’

  ‘No drinking venue is perfect.’ She took a mouthful and sighed in satisfaction after swallowing. ‘Another ten or fifteen minutes and it will start to work its magic.’

  We continued sipping at the drinks until all the bottles were dry. I read the ones with labels: cream sherry, vodka, white wine. The others must have been bulk-bought because there were no labels attached. I wondered idly at one stage whether that was even legal. I retrieved my beer from the floor as Alex cracked open hers, and we tapped them together softly before drinking.

  After another twenty minutes or so of sitting beside the bin drinking amidst casual chatter, my head was starting to spin a little. ‘So, what’s with – you know, all this?’

  Alex averted her gaze, wrapping her arms around her legs and shrugging. ‘I don’t know. I guess it just gives me one night of the week where I’m not thinking.’

  ‘Thinking about what?’

  ‘The usual shit.’

  ‘Is this a deep and meaningful?’ I whispered, slightly more dramatically than I’d intended.

  She raised her eyebrows. ‘You’ve had even less than I have.’

  ‘I’m not drunk. Just a little light-headed.’ I paused. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

  She shrugged nonchalantly at my query, her expression a little more relaxed. ‘Nothing to talk about really. I’m just a perfectionist with a long history of high-achieving and stressing over it. Plus, my dad kind of puts a lot of pressure on me to do well here – which, you know, I can understand, given he’s paying for my education and all.’ She shrugged again and took a sip of her beer. ‘I just don’t get much time to relax, you know? If I’m not studying for exams or completing assignments, I’m thinking about – I dunno, about how I might be able to change that essay for a better mark, or how I can make my study sessions more efficient.’ She turned her head to gaze at me, her features casting long shadows across her face; nevertheless, I could see her hazel eyes as though a light was being reflected in them. ‘I know it sounds pretty pathetic, given the type of crap you’ve had to deal with recently.’

  I shook my head and frowned. ‘It’s not pathetic.’

  ‘Seriously? In comparison to your dad running out on you and your mum sending you to boarding school and having to be on meds for anxiety?’ She laughed suddenly, looking away from me and taking another swig of beer. Then she frowned and in
haled deeply through her nose, her lips pressed together in a thoughtful expression. ‘Can I ask you a question? It’s kind of personal.’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘How did it make you feel when your dad ran out on you and your mum?’

  ‘That was random.’

  ‘Sorry. Just talking about my dad made me wonder.’

  I was quiet for a moment, chewing on my lip thoughtfully. ‘Dunno,’ I finally said. ‘I mean, we were really close when I was little. I was certainly a lot closer to him than I was to my mum. He sort of…protected me a lot, like when she got really angry and wanted to hurt me. I remember one day he actually picked me up and carried me outside because Mum was trying to hit me with a saucepan.’ I took a deep breath and frowned thoughtfully, feeling strangely calm and unemotional as I watched the memories flicker through my head like a film. ‘After he ran off with that woman, I…well, I sort of hated him after that. I mean, he left Mum and me with an entire dairy farm to manage by ourselves. Sometimes I wonder if the stress was what screwed her up so bad.’

  ‘Did he write or call or anything?’

  ‘Nope. Not a word. It was like he didn’t want anything to do with us after that.’ I sighed quietly and shrugged. ‘I’m angry of course, really angry, but…I miss him too. I miss having a parent who actually cared about me. I just feel…’

  ‘Betrayed?’

  I glanced at Alex quietly before nodding. ‘Yeah…betrayed.’ Then we sat in silence for a moment, the only sounds the distant shouting and clanging coming from inside the pub, and the droning of flies over near the bins. The rest of the city seemed to have fallen into the sleepy silence of dusk. I cleared my throat. ‘Alright, my turn,’ I said.