Yours, Juli

by Thalia Lark

  Exams began on Tuesday of the following week. There was a tense quiet in the way everyone got dressed that morning, a nervous atmosphere that I’d never really been a part of before now. Courtney was one of the only ones who seemed relaxed.

  ‘Chill out all of you,’ she said, rolling her eyes as she straightened the collar of her uniform. ‘They’re just exams.’

  I frowned at her blasé attitude, wishing I could point out to her that not everyone was as intellectually gifted as she was, but knowing picking fights at this stage would not be particularly helpful.

  I didn’t see Alex again until the Monday after in detention. She sat the whole hour in the back corner of the classroom, writing in her workbook intently. With the stress of exams over and more than two weeks of good behaviour tucked under my belt, I felt a niggling of irritation as she continued to ignore me. When Mr Warner dismissed us at four thirty, I followed Alex down the hall and caught up to her outside.

  There was nobody around thankfully, so I reached out and tugged on the back of her T-shirt. I must have grown in the last month, because when she turned around I realised we were on eye level. She didn’t look surprised to see me as I frowned.

  ‘Why are you ignoring me?’ I asked. ‘Is it just because we got caught for our rendezvous ’round the pub that night? Because I’m being punished for that too, you know.’

  She pressed her lips together and looked around to make sure nobody was in the vicinity. Then she motioned her head to the shelter beside us and we crept under it, moving to the bench against the wall but neither of us sitting down.

  She folded her arms over the stomach. ‘I’m not ignoring you.’

  I raised my eyebrows.

  ‘Fine,’ she sighed. ‘I am and I’m sorry. But Mrs Bentley’s been breathing down my neck because some dickhead told her I was harassing you.’

  ‘Who said that?’

  ‘I don’t know, do I? Probably one of those friends of yours. I just don’t want people to think I’m bullying you. I’ve only just got over the hour-long lecture about the drinking, and how reckless and dangerous my behaviour was, and how I was the older student and so should have shown more responsibility.’ She rolled her eyes and exhaled sharply. ‘The last thing I need right now is more shit about how I’ve been picking on you and manipulating you into becoming a felon. So you’re going to have to give me a bit of distance if this is going to continue between us.’

  My eyebrows raised in surprise. ‘If what’s going to continue?’

  ‘You know – you and me. This relationship thing we got going on.’ She sighed suddenly, shaking her head and briefly closing her eyes as she sank back against the brick wall beside the bench. ‘This would all be so much easier if you’d just stop being such a bloody coward. I’m head over heels for you, Juli, but I’m tired of trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t really want to be in one.’

  ‘Of course I want to be in one.’

  ‘Then why won’t you just admit that?’ She sounded frustrated. ‘See, I don’t care if I’m a lesbian. I embrace it. I don’t like guys and I don’t give a shit what other people think about that. It’s none of their goddamn business.’

  ‘So why does everyone have to know we’re together if it’s none of their business?’

  ‘I’m not saying I want to stand on the rooftops and shout out all the gory details of what we get up to. I’m just sick of trying to hide this all the time. I want people to be able to see us together without us having to think up an excuse…and without my name being added to the ten most wanted list.’ She shrugged, shaking her head. ‘I’m starting to wonder if it’s even worth it anymore, you know? I mean, we just don’t have any…direction. All we seem to do these days is brainstorm places we can hang out together without getting caught.’

  I sighed, trying not to seem irritated by her gross misrepresentation of our “direction”. ‘Look. I really, really like you, Alex, okay? This isn’t just some stupid crush. I want to be in a relationship with you. I just have so much shit going on right now, I don’t have the headspace to deal with this as well. I’m this close to getting expelled,’ holding my thumb and forefinger a fraction of an inch apart, ‘my mother’s being checked out by Social Services, and I don’t even know if I have a home to go back to this holidays. Add to that coming out as gay and I may as well admit myself to the loony bin right now.’

  She frowned. ‘Social Services?’

  ‘I’ll explain later. My point is, my brain just can’t take any more stress right now, and being fucking gay is not your average, run-of-the-mill social confession – it’s a big thing, alright? Maybe not to you, but it is to me. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you, and care for you, and want to be with you. And it definitely does not mean that I want to spend the rest of my life in the closet. I’m just talking about right now.’

  She sighed, watching me in the shadow of the shelter and pressing her lips together.

  ‘And if you think we have no direction, then let me tell you that I didn’t even tell my friends that Social Services is now involved. Maybe you’ve always had a knack with relationships, but I’ve never opened up to anyone as much as I have to you, and to me at least that shows some pretty solid direction.’ I frowned and shook my head, my face heating up with a mixture of exasperation, awkwardness and surprise at how vocal I was being; it was as though some flustered alien had taken over my body. ‘I really need you, okay? I need you not to leave me right now, not in the middle of all this crap. If it doesn’t work out, if I never feel confident enough to be honest about us, then fine, we’ll break up and you can go start up some hot relationship with a girl who’s proud as freaking Jesus to be dating you on the outside as well. But not now.’ I looked into her warm, hazel eyes with fervour. My heart was pulsating at a hundred miles an hour. ‘Don’t you fucking give up on me now.’

  Alex was quiet for several moments, clasping her hands together and appraising my face in silence. Then she cleared her throat and straightened up, her eyes narrowing as she lifted her chin in her familiar, self-assured way. ‘Fine. But can we at least tell people we’re friends? Like Mrs Bentley? So she’ll quit eyeing me suspiciously in the hallway?’

  I nodded, my posture relaxing a little at the unspoken forgiveness in her expression. ‘I’ll go talk to her later.’ Then I fell silent for a moment as I gazed at her, focusing on my breathing and trying to still the ricochets of panic still bouncing around in my chest. ‘So are we good?’ I asked, hitching my workbooks a little higher under my arm. ‘Because I need to go put these away.’

  She nodded. ‘Meet up later?’

  ‘Cricket pitch only. No rooftop.’

  ‘Deal.’

  I told Lori and Emma I was going for a walk to clear my head after dinner, and neither of them objected. It had been a long two weeks. Alex was already at the cricket pitch when I wandered down in the dusk. There were students on the oval and a few still in the pool, which I knew would close in five or ten minutes; nobody seemed to notice or care when I bypassed them and disappeared down the side of the tennis courts.

  I sank onto the ground beside Alex in silence, resting my head in the lush grass as I lay back against the embankment, just like those many weeks ago when she’d taught me how to ride a bike. Neither of us hesitated this time in searching for each other’s hands; I inhaled deeply as our fingers interlaced, closing my eyes and focusing on the warmth of her hand in mine. Gradually, very gradually, as we lay in silence taking deep breaths of the cool evening air, I was able to bring my scattered mind back down to the ground, and the world started looking a little easier to deal with again.

  ‘Hey, I’m sorry about earlier,’ Alex suddenly said. She turned to glance at me through the dim light, her eyes sincerely contrite. ‘Getting mad and such, you know.’

  I shrugged. ‘I’d be mad if I were you.’

  ‘I didn’t realise you could be quite so verbose.’

  ‘It was a one-off.’ I closed my eyes again. I
’d already figured out what it really was though, although I didn’t voice it aloud right then: I just felt so comfortable around Alex now, I no longer felt the need to hide. The torrents of emotions that normally I kept deeply hidden for fear of exposure and pain – suddenly they’d been set free.

  Alex smiled and reached her free hand up to push her auburn hair off her face, then she sighed. ‘Alright. Fill me in.’

  I told her everything: about the argument in the hospital, the talk with Mrs Bentley, the plans for someone to visit from Social Services, my brief visitation with Mum, and the fact that she hadn’t replied to any of my emails. Alex was silent when I finished, looking up at the sky thoughtfully, and then she drew in a short breath. ‘I wish I could fix it.’

  ‘There’s nothing anyone can do.’

  ‘You can come stay at my place over the holidays if it makes you feel any better. You know, if you still aren’t able to return home by then.’

  ‘Lori’s already offered.’

  ‘Probably for the best, I suppose. Easier to hide the fact we’re together if we’re not – you know – shacking up and all.’

  I nodded and frowned. The amount of secrecy I was enforcing sounded silly when she put it like that. But there was a bank of fear that still sat heavily in my chest, no matter how much Alex meant to me now; I didn’t know its exact nature, but its presence was too prominent to ignore. When I was with Alex it seemed almost to disappear, but then we’d go our separate ways and suddenly it reared its ugly head again. Feeling downcast at the thought, I shuffled sideways and rolled onto my side to face Alex, pulling her hand up to clasp it against my chest and tucking myself into her side. A few wisps of my hair were escaping over my temples, and she reached up her spare hand and tucked them behind my ears, smiling slightly as her eyes searched my face.

  She continued to stroke her fingers through my hair, her touch warm and comforting. ‘Maybe one day we could – I don’t know – just leave everything behind and go live on an island somewhere in the Caribbean.’

  ‘What, and become pirates or something?’

  She laughed. ‘No, just live in a perfectly stress-free, liberated environment.’

  ‘Isn’t the Caribbean north of areas involved in illegal drug trades and civil unrest?’

  ‘Okay, so maybe the island is in Neverland instead.’

  ‘Ah, but then we’d have Captain Hook and crocodiles to deal with.’

  She grinned. ‘I forgot about that bit.’ Then she looked down and studied my face for a moment before smiling mischievously. ‘You’re pretty cute, you know that?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Well, you are. I mean, you’re not pretty per se. But you’ve got a beautifully defined jaw, and determined eyes. They’re daring, you know?’ She smiled, tracing her forefinger over my bottom lip. ‘And your skin is so brown, like you’ve spent your whole life outdoors.’

  ‘I have,’ I said, smiling slightly against her fingertip.

  ‘And your hair is—’

  ‘Boring.’

  ‘No, not boring. It’s straight and light brown and no-nonsense. And it makes you…tough somehow.’

  ‘I don’t feel tough.’

  ‘You are.’ She pulled her finger away from my lips.

  I rolled over slowly, gazing at her as I shifted my weight over her chest, holding myself over her without hurting her. Resting my forearm in the grass beside her, I allowed my free arm to lie gently across her stomach, and I played with the gold cross around her neck quietly as I spoke. ‘Well,’ I said. ‘You’re pretty hot stuff yourself.’

  She laughed.

  ‘It’s true.’ I let my eyes roam her face. ‘You’re proud and self-confident and full of vitality, and your eyes are deep and unfathomable. And when you speak, when you move, you come across as mature and independent and…practically undefeatable. But then,’ lowering myself to within an inch of her face, ‘you have a soft spot, which nobody can see until they really get to know you. And when they do, they realise how kind you are, underneath all that macho.’

  I watched her eyes almost close, her lashes casting long shadows across her cheekbones, and then I leaned down and pressed my lips softly against hers. It wasn’t invigorating and explosive; there were no fireworks or thrills of energy running up and down my spine. But I could feel her soft lips around mine, and the smooth skin of her neck as I brushed my hands over it and ran my fingers through her hair, and her own hands exploring my waist, pulling my T-shirt up to expose my skin and trailing her fingers down my back softly. And I could see in her eyes when we paused to take a breath that she really did want to be there. She smiled, the skin around her eyes crinkling warmly as she raised her head to kiss my lips again gently, holding a hand around the back of my neck and threading her fingers through my hair.

  Then she drew back to gaze at me. ‘I love you, you know.’

  ‘Me too.’

  She raised one eyebrow playfully, and I rolled my eyes. ‘Say it,’ she said. ‘I dare you.’

  I laughed and hung my head for a moment, and then sighed and looked back at her with the most sincerity and openness I’d ever felt. ‘Seriously, I love you more than I thought was ever possible.’

  She smiled.

  I pressed my mouth to the corner of hers softly, kissing down her jaw and following the muscles of her neck. She tilted her head back, her skin smooth and warm as I brushed my lips over it tenderly. Then I paused for a moment to breathe in the scent of her perfume, smiling at its floral scent before pulling away so I could lie down on the grass beside her. I angled myself on my side, my stomach curved against her hip, my head tucked into her neck and my chin on her shoulder. She nestled against me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and holding me against her securely.

  ‘Are my eyes really unfathomable?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Yours aren’t. They can lie pretty damn well, but when I look at them hard enough, I feel like I can see right to the very darkest corner of your soul. I may not know all the facts, but I know you.’

  I nodded again. ‘I can’t see into the deepest corner of your soul. It’s hidden from me, but I don’t think that’s your fault. I don’t think I can ever connect with anyone a hundred percent.’

  ‘You’re more connected with people than you think.’ She turned her head to kiss the top of my head, and then we both lay and watched the moon rise over the tennis court. There was a light breeze that whistled past, and the sky was clear and full of stars. I took a deep breath as though I could savour it forever, wishing life would just stop at that moment so I didn’t have to face it any more.

  Relieved of Duty

  I got tenser and tenser as the holidays approached, not fully aware of what was happening yet, and it wasn’t until Tuesday of the last week of school that I finally heard from my mother.

  The pale blue light surrounding the curtains in the dormitory hinted at around five o’clock in the morning. I pushed back my covers and pulled my knees up to my chest, my eyes already itching with tiredness after four or five days of restless and unsatisfying sleep. After climbing down from the Dead Bed quietly, I switched on my laptop in my pyjamas and logged into my student email account. A small sigh of relief escaped my lips, and my tense shoulders relaxed a little, at the sight of the “+1” to my inbox.

  I perched on the edge of my desk chair and opened up the email from Mum. I’d sent her a dozen more emails over the last few days, asking whether she was okay, whether she’d seen a doctor, whether she was at home, whether she was looking after the place, whether I could come home for the holidays… I’d even written an apology email for what I’d said at the hospital, wondering if maybe she was still angry about that. Getting in contact with her was getting more and more urgent as the holidays approached. I already had a back-up plan for myself (to stay at Lori’s, which both Lori’s parents and Mrs Bentley had approved) but I was anxious about the farm. If Mum wasn’t there, there would be nobody to look after the animals.

  Suddenly
there was a rustle of sheets and Emma sat up on her mattress two beds to my right. She looked at me blearily and rubbed a hand over her eyes, stifling a yawn as she glanced towards the clock mounted above the dormitory door. ‘What time is it?’

  ‘Quarter past five.’

  ‘That’s not even morning.’ She kept a voice to a minimum. ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Checking emails.’

  ‘Has your mum replied?’ I’d kept Lori and Emma updated on everything aside from Social Services involvement. As far as they were aware, Mum was recovering from a severe bout of influenza.

  I nodded in response to Emma’s question and quietly read through the email, which was ridiculously unhelpful:

  Juli, been admitted to local hospital. Started medication a week ago. They want to keep an eye on me. Mum

  I sighed, scrolling through my inbox to see if I’d missed any more emails from her, but I hadn’t. This was the only one. She seemed to have forgotten that I was due to return home to Warrabeela in less than four days. I clenched my teeth to hide my frustration and quickly typed a response:

  Mum, holidays start this Saturday. I have to come home on Friday evening. Will you be home by then? School shuts so I can’t stay here. I don’t have any money for a flight. Are you going to come pick me up? Or do I go stay at Lori’s this holiday?? Juli

  I sighed, hitting the Send button, leaning back in my chair and rubbing my eyes tiredly.

  ‘Is everything okay?’ Emma asked.

  ‘She’s in hospital.’

  ‘Oh my God, is she alright?’

  I shrugged. I didn’t know why she’d been admitted to hospital, and I didn’t know what medication she was on; but if it was anything like mine, the school physician had said it could take up to six weeks to really start taking effect. A knot of anxiety started twisting in my gut, as I thought of the likelihood that she’d be home in time to pick me up from school on Friday, which had reached an all-time low. I logged out of my email and closed my computer, shutting the lid with deliberate care. I took a deep breath through my nose, closing my eyes and letting the air whisper through my lips slowly. Once I’d relaxed a little, I looked up at Emma, who was watching me with concern.