Yours, Juli

by Thalia Lark

‘Are you kidding me? I thought she’d start telling everyone what a bitch I am first chance she got.’

  ‘Not if you picked on her weight. That’s a deeply private and haunting matter to her.’

  ‘You’re not making me feel any better about this.’

  ‘I’m not trying to. I’m your girlfriend. It’s my prerogative to tell you when you’ve been a dick…and this is one of those times.’

  I turned to scowl at her. ‘Seriously, Alex.’

  She grinned back at me, smiling with humour though a flicker of sincere remorse flashed briefly in her eyes. ‘Sorry,’ she said, her affect sobering. ‘Well, maybe just watch her discreetly for a few days, make sure she didn’t take what you said on board. I’m sure it will all just blow over. Besides, lessons start tomorrow, and we only have nine weeks this term. It’s not likely Courtney will have much time to dwell on this.’ Alex glanced at me, nudging me gently with her elbow. ‘Don’t stress, okay? It’ll smooth out eventually. You’re really cute when you’re worried, by the way. Did you know that?’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘I must reside in a permanent state of cuteness then.’

  She smiled, then drummed her fingers over the back of my hand. ‘Yeah, you do.’ I watched her hand for a moment before upturning my own and lacing my fingers through hers. ‘It’ll get easier though,’ she said. ‘It just so happens that every worry you could possibly have to deal with has hit you all at once this time around. You’ll just have to ride it out for now…and pray to God that everything sorts itself out, because you don’t have a fucking chance on your own.’

  I laughed bitterly. ‘I can’t argue with that.’

  ‘Will you fill me in on what happened at the end of last term?’

  I nodded. ‘Of course.’

  Taking Control

  I kept an eye on Courtney as Alex had suggested, but she showed no sign of being affected by my careless insult. She spent no more time in the bathroom than usual, she showed no symptoms of sudden weight loss or low self-esteem. The only thing different was that rather than banter with me contemptuously, she started to ignore my presence completely; given the tactless offences we’d hurled at each other on the bus though, that wasn’t so much of a bad thing.

  By Friday I’d received the term’s assessments for every single one of my subjects, and the workload was so overwhelmingly massive, I could only sit at my desk Friday afternoon after classes staring at my workbooks vacantly. Lori and Emma found me in this position after fifteen or so minutes and approached me cautiously.

  ‘Is everything okay, Juli?’ Emma asked.

  I turned to face them and nodded, raising my eyebrows. ‘Yeah, of course. Just thinking.’ I did wonder idly whether I was getting a little burned out, but decided not to voice this fear aloud.

  ‘Well, come on then,’ Lori said. ‘Let’s get changed and go down to the rec room. Maybe we can have a game of air hockey or something.’

  I dragged on some jeans and a T-shirt and pulled my hair back into a ponytail before following them downstairs. I tucked my hands in my pockets as we entered the rec room, where twenty or so students were lolling about on the couches, playing pool and Foosball, and snacking from a bag of jelly snakes that somebody had thought to bring along. Lori looped her arm through mine and guided me along as I blinked unseeingly, thinking back vaguely to the first time I’d had a panic attack in the recreation room and had tried to run away.

  I jumped as suddenly a hand touched my shoulder from behind, and I turned with a start of surprise to see Courtney standing with her arms folded, flanked by Miranda and Hilary. I opened my mouth but didn’t seem to know what to say to her.

  ‘We’re good now, right?’

  I just looked at her, unable to fully register what she was saying for a while. ‘What?’

  ‘After the bus?’ She narrowed her eyes, watching me with confusion. ‘You know, our little catfight thing?’

  ‘Oh.’ I shut my mouth and swallowed. ‘Sure. We’re good.’

  ‘Fantastic.’ She exhaled, shrugging. ‘Miranda told me I should accept your apology, that’s all.’ She smiled almost pleasantly and held out a hand. ‘Besides, I’m not stupid enough to listen to any fuckwit comment you make, so…truce?’

  I shook her hand carefully, frowning. There was something distrustful in the way she was looking at me, something much too innocent and coy for Courtney Goddard. I rolled my shoulders back and tried not to dwell on it, knowing I was probably just being paranoid. Courtney turned on one heel and linked her arms through Miranda’s and Hilary’s, towing them away from us without another word. Lori, Emma and I exchanged confused glances before shrugging. It was probably better to just let that one go for now, I thought. My guilt over what I’d said to Courtney had gradually subsided as the first week of school had progressed; clearly though, there hadn’t been much need to feel guilty in the first place.

  Lori, Emma and I spent the whole weekend on the school grounds, borrowing out books from the library for our assignments, swimming for an hour on Sunday morning before climbing out with blue lips, and playing tennis in the afternoons with Alex and her eleventh-grade friends. Lori and Emma seemed to have wordlessly accepted that I was good friends with Alex now, whether they suspected we were seeing each other or not. As it turned out in any case, Emma knew Sarah from her old primary school, so they were more than happy for us all to hang out. Alex and I kept our interactions casual in front of the others, but she upped her haughtiness and bantered with me more as well, her hazel eyes glittering with mirth only she and I understood.

  The following Monday afternoon after maths, Alex grabbed a fistful of my blouse from behind on my walk back to the dormitories, and tugged me to a halt. I spun to face her, glad to find we were alone and free to converse with some degree of normalcy.

  ‘What are your plans for tonight?’ she asked.

  I shrugged, holding up my maths textbook with a tired frown.

  ‘Study session at the cricket pitch then?’

  ‘What, five minutes of making out for every equation I solve correctly?’

  She smiled. ‘Sounds like a good deal to me. Kill two birds with one stone.’

  ‘Alright.’ I nodded slowly. ‘Meet you there at seven. Bring a torch.’

  ‘Yeah, right. Like we’re really going to get homework done.’ She threw me a grin and a flirtatious wink as she turned around towards the administration block.

  I was planning on finishing my English homework at my desk until dinner, but Miss Wheaton suddenly entered the dorm and headed in my direction. She pushed her blonde hair off her face as she came to stand beside me, her tone calm but her eyes sombre.

  ‘Julianne, your father will call through to my office in half an hour or so with an update on your mother. The principal wants to have a chat to you tomorrow morning during first period, but your dad said he’d like to speak with you first.’

  I nodded slowly, feeling an abrupt fluttering of panic in my stomach at the gravity of her tone. I cleared my throat uneasily. ‘Is everything alright?’

  ‘Mrs Bentley didn’t give me much information. I’m sure your dad will tell you what’s going on.’ She patted my shoulder reassuringly, but her face was clouded with doubt. ‘If you need me I’ll be supervising the rec room.’

  I was too worried to concentrate on my homework. I was barely able to register when the rest of the tenth-grade girls showed up and Courtney addressed everyone. She hung from one arm halfway up the ladder of her bunk and called everyone to attention in a demanding tone. I turned on my chair to face her, my eyes unfocused and a dull ringing in my ears making it hard to hear her.

  ‘Hey guys,’ she said. ‘So, those of you studying film and media will know we have to make a five-minute documentary this term. I’m going to do mine on being female in grade ten – you know, looking at sexism and all that. So I’ll be collecting some footage of me and Miranda and a couple of the guys, etc. Mrs Morris said we had to ask permission if anyone else featured in it, so none of you mi
nd if you appear in the background occasionally, do you?’

  I shook my head vaguely as there were a few confident “that’s fine” and one terrified squeak of “not me” from Hilary. I didn’t bother myself with it after that. I didn’t particularly care if I appeared in the background, and I had more important things to worry about. I frowned a little as she caught my eyes from across the room after her announcement and smiled at me. My eyes narrowed a fraction, but the suspicion that suddenly started to nag at my gut was replaced quickly by a hollow feeling as Miss Wheaton poked her head around the doorway and motioned to me silently with one finger.

  I followed her through to her office and picked up the phone on the desk, sinking into the chair and clenching my fingers into a fist a few times to bring some feeling back into them. I held the phone to my ear, my head clearing a little as I heard Dad’s voice on the other end.

  ‘How’s Mum doing?’

  ‘She’s fine, honey.’ He took a deep breath. ‘There’s been a few minor incidents, but I don’t want you to panic about them, alright?’

  My stomach tightened and my heart started drumming against my throat. ‘Alright.’

  ‘Your mother has – been engaging in some self-harm.’ His tone was low and calm, kind of like the school counsellor’s.

  Nevertheless, I felt my body break out in cold sweat. ‘What kind of self-harm?’

  ‘Some – minor cutting.’

  I was quiet, swallowing and eyeing the wastepaper basket under the desk uncertainly, wondering if I was about to be sick.

  ‘She’s doing fine now and recovering well, alright? So I don’t want you to worry too much. But obviously they have pretty strict procedures regarding this kind of scenario, and there’ll be a probationary period of a month or two where they will monitor Mum’s health before they can consider letting her return home. She’ll remain in hospital until they’re sure she can take care of herself safely.’

  I wiped my free hand over my clammy forehead, and forced myself to remain calm and focus on what Dad was saying; nothing good would come of freaking out now. I took a deep, steadying breath as I refocused on our conversation, grounding myself by listening to my dad’s composed voice.

  ‘Are you still there, Juli?’

  ‘Yes.’ I cleared my throat so my voice sounded a little more normal. ‘I’m here.’

  ‘Do you understand what’s happened?’

  ‘Yes.’ I frowned, rubbing my free hand over my knee. ‘How serious were the – incidents?’

  ‘Not serious enough that you need to stress over them.’

  ‘Will she be watched now? So she doesn’t do it again?’

  ‘Absolutely, sweetheart. She’ll be under constant surveillance at the hospital now. They won’t do anything to jeopardise her safety.’

  I nodded. ‘So…’ I hesitated, clearing my throat again. ‘So what’s going to happen now?’ I scrubbed a few shocked, undetected tears away with frustration.

  ‘You’ll come and stay down here with Mel and I during holidays until your mother’s well again.’

  I nodded again in silence.

  ‘I know you’re not big on the city scene, Juli. But you’ve adapted so well to life at St Peter’s, from what Mrs Bentley’s told me, I have no doubt you’ll be fine in Melbourne for just a few weeks at a time. And I’ll make you a deal, alright? We’ll take a few day trips out into the country, just you and me, so you can smell the fresh air. Sound good?’

  ‘What about the farm?’

  ‘For now Shane said he’s happy to continue looking after it.’ My father paused. ‘I don’t want you to worry about what’s going to happen to the property, alright? That’s my responsibility, not yours. I will take care of everything, and I’ll most definitely take care of you… Mel’s really looking forward to having you stay with us over the holidays. She’s due to give birth in a week, did I tell you that?’

  ‘That’s cool.’ I couldn’t work much enthusiasm into my voice. The arrival of my half-sibling didn’t seem like a tangible part of my reality at that moment. It was a distant, alien figure that I had no emotional connection to. Perhaps that would change when I moved to Melbourne, but right then it wasn’t something I cared to spend a long time thinking about.

  ‘Does that all sound okay to you?’ Dad asked after a moment of silence.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. ‘Sure.’

  ‘All you need to worry about is doing your best in school. You’ll come stay with me in the holidays and I’ll take care of the situation with your mother and let you know what’s happening.’

  ‘Alright.’

  ‘We’ll have fun in Melbourne, don’t you worry.’ His voice brightened. ‘Mel said she’ll even take you on a shopping spree to the plaza. Get you some groovy city clothes.’

  I frowned, my mouth moving in response with little conscious thought. ‘You’re too old to pull “groovy” off, Dad.’ I felt a surge of surprise as he laughed, and my mouth tweaked in the tiniest of smiles.

  ‘I’ll call again soon, okay?’ he said. ‘The office has my number if you want to ring me before then.’ He took a deep breath. ‘Speak soon, honey.’ He waited until I’d said “sure” before wishing me luck with my studies and disconnecting the call.

  Reflections

  I told Alex everything that night as we lay on our stomachs in the grass, from filling her in on the mess with Social Services last term, to explaining what had happened to Mum, to telling her what Dad and I had discussed that afternoon. The winter sky was already dark overhead, the only light stemming from the dull torch Alex had brought, and the air was crisp and cold. We were huddled beside each other for warmth; I could feel the soft skin of her upper arm pressed against mine.

  Alex frowned once I’d finished, plucking blades of grass from in front of us distractedly, and then she glanced sideways at me. ‘Are you angry with her?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  She nodded slowly. ‘At least you know she’s going to be okay now.’

  ‘But I don’t. I mean, if she did it once, she can do it again, right?’

  ‘They won’t let her out of their sight now, Juli. They’ll have her under twenty-four-hour surveillance.’

  ‘That’s what my dad said.’

  ‘Well, he’s right. And they’ll have removed everything from around her that she could use to hurt herself.’

  My eyebrows drew together in a frown. ‘Yeah.’

  After a moment of silence, Alex cleared her throat and deliberately lightened her tone a little, presumably realising I wasn’t keen on talking about it further. ‘So, I was thinking about the winter holidays,’ she said, ‘about you going down to Melbourne that is. Everyone here knows we’re good friends now, don’t they? I mean, we spend enough time together. So it probably wouldn’t raise much gossip if I invited you around to my place for the holidays – you know, so you don’t have to go to the city.’ She shrugged a little. ‘It might be kind of fun. We could go outside at night in the freezing cold all rugged up, maybe sleep out under the stars so you can get your fill of the outdoors before returning to school.’

  I raised my eyebrows. ‘My sleeping bag is back at the farm.’

  ‘We could squish into mine. It’s plenty big.’ Then she paused and glanced across at me. ‘You don’t have to decide right now of course.’

  I nodded and rolled over slowly onto my back, sinking into the lush grass with my arms folded behind my head. The temperature had descended to such an extent that my extremities were numb and goose bumps had raised on my exposed limbs. ‘We should have brought jumpers,’ I said. Alex rolled over towards me and spun her body until she was lying on her back with her head on my stomach. I draped one of my hands over her collarbone, playing with the gold cross around her neck and reaching my other hand up to brush my fingers through her hair gently. I felt her whole body relax at my touch as she closed her eyes and sighed quietly.

  We were silent for a few moments, then I frowned and took a quick br
eath. ‘Alex?’

  She turned her head to look up at me. ‘What?’

  I stared into the black sky as I felt a few beads of freezing moisture touch my face. ‘It’s going to rain.’

  She sounded confused. ‘Is that what you wanted to say?’

  ‘No…’ I paused for a moment. ‘Have you – you know…ever had sex?’

  She was silent for so long I started to get worried, but when I looked down she was staring up at the heavens with a small smile on her face. ‘No,’ she said. ‘You?’

  ‘No.’ I frowned quietly at the sky for a moment, then suddenly she rolled off me and stretched out on her stomach, her face an inch from mine. Her breath was warm against my cheek and made me shiver.

  ‘I’d like to though,’ she said. ‘Have sex, I mean. But not just casual sex for the hell of it. Sex with somebody I love and trust, you know. Meaningful sex.’

  I nodded, watching her vacantly. Then I took another deep breath and frowned in the dim light as she leaned over me and pressed her lips to mine. I kissed her back gently, feeling flat and disconnected but not wanting to ruin the moment for her too. She felt me shiver underneath her as a sudden wave of cold air washed over us, and she smiled against my mouth. I sucked on her bottom lip gently before she pulled away; even as she did, the rain increased and frozen drops started sprinkling our bare arms with increased velocity.

  ‘Come on, we’d better go back up.’ Alex pushed herself to her feet and held out her hands, gripping mine and pulling me up in front of her. ‘We’ll get soaked if we stay out here any longer.’

  I hesitated, gazing into her face with a furrowed brow, hoping I could silently convey to her how much I loved her, and how sorry I was that our lives could not be perfect, because I just didn’t have the energy to say it. She smiled gently and pulled me against her front, wrapping her arms around me and resting her cheek against mine. ‘I know,’ she said softly. I wound my arms around her waist and closed my eyes as rain drenched the back of my shirt, and we stayed like that for several minutes until I started to shiver again. She pulled me around and against her side so we were walking back with our arms around each other’s waist. We’d reached the tennis courts before I had to run back for my maths textbook – which was dripping with water by that time – and then we hurried across the oval to the dormitory complex as thunder rumbled in the distance and our socks were soaked from the wet grass.