Head Over Tentacles

by K. L. Hiers

  “It’s always a pleasure, your godliness,” Milo said, bowing his head respectfully.

  Sloane took Loch’s arm and hastily exited the lab, jogging back down to the break room. His heart thudded with dread when he saw there was quite the crowd.

  “Mmm, guess everyone wanted cake,” Loch observed. “Hope there’s still some left.”

  “Come on.” Sloane urged him through the cluster of people to see what was going on.

  Detective Chase waved, munching on a highly coveted piece of birthday cake. Detective Merrick was sitting at the small table and totally enraptured by Urilith, who was perched across from him and gently petting his hand.

  “And you see,” she was soothing, “that’s why you’re so unhappy. You’re looking for perfection, and you’ve set your standards so high that no one will ever be able to reach them.”

  “I am expecting too much?” Merrick asked.

  “Yes,” she said. “You need to accept that something not perfect could actually be perfect for you. Stop creating excuses for every little thing and be with the person who makes you happy. Otherwise you’ll be alone for the rest of eternity.”

  Merrick looked as if he was about to cry.

  “Hey,” Chase said cheerfully, “your therapist sure is a hell of a lady. She got Rico and Bonnie over in dispatch back together, Ed finally asked out Robin, and she just figured out why Merrick is single. She’s great!”

  “In my younger days, I was a love goddess,” Urilith said with a bashful shrug.

  The cluster of police officers all chuckled at that, and Chase chimed in, “Shit! Me too, sister!”

  “Love goddess?” Merrick looked skeptical. “Oh really?”

  “She means she used to be a relationship therapist,” Sloane interjected.

  “Did you save me any cake?” Loch asked hopefully.

  “Of course!” Urilith said, offering Loch a small slice. “What kind of mother do you think I am?”

  “We should probably get going,” Sloane said with a big smile. “Uhm, come along, Mrs. Love Goddess.”

  There was a wave of disappointed booing, and Chase protested, “Hey! Come on! I was about to get my love reading!”

  Urilith stood up with a sweet smile, and she patted Chase’s scruffy cheek. “Oh, dear boy. The love of your life is right in front of you. You just have to be brave enough to take it.”

  Chase’s jaw dropped, then slowly shut, his fair face flushing. “Uh… yeah. Sure thing, sister.”

  Urilith was practically glowing as they left, and Loch swallowed down his cake with a happy grin. He offered some to Sloane, but he declined the thoughtful gesture. He was too eager to get the hell out of the precinct before anything else happened.

  He was still half expecting Alexander to appear and attack them again.

  “That was fun!” Urilith cheered as they hit the door. “Oh, how I’ve missed congregating with mortals! I’m determined to make a new effort to be a more active goddess! Even after the wedding, I want to stay here for a while!”

  “That’s very lovely, Mother,” Loch cooed. “We would love to have you and show you all around the city!”

  “There’s a lot of great restaurants and museums,” Sloane offered, getting into his car and plugging in his phone to charge. He accessed the list of names he’d compiled and emailed it over to Milo.

  “And there are entire stores full of sexual toys and pornographic videos,” Loch went on, fastening his seat belt. “Mortals act very prudish in public, but privately they’re quite debauched. It’s amazing.”

  “People like to keep their love lives to themselves,” Sloane said, unable to resist a small grin. “Ahem.”

  “Seat belt, Sloane!” Loch reminded him. “And you shouldn’t be on your phone in the car.”

  “We’re parked! I’m not driving. I’m just trying to get those names over to Milo—”

  “Texting plus driving equals death,” Loch recited. “Do you know how many accidents the AVPD has responded to because people were on their phones?”

  “How many of them were parked?” Sloane retorted dryly.

  “Hmm, that information wasn’t on the poster I saw in the break room.”

  “There, look.” Sloane dropped his phone into the cup holder. “I’m putting my phone down. Happy?”

  “Can we get more cake?”

  “Later.”

  “More cake would make me happy.”

  “Speaking of cake,” Urilith piped up from the back, “I could make my cake for your wedding.”

  “The one you made for the first Dhankes?” Loch gasped. “Oh, Mother. Yes, please. That would be wonderful.”

  “I guess we do need to start making some plans,” Sloane said, backing out of the space and driving back toward Lynnette’s house. “A date, our guests… uh….”

  “Do wedding registries accept sacrifices?” Loch asked urgently.

  “Nope, sorry.”

  “Have you even decided where you want to get married?” Urilith asked. “What do mortals do these days?”

  “Sages still try to follow the old ways,” Sloane replied. “Our friends Lochlain and Good Robert had a Sagittarian ceremony with handfasting and—”

  “It was so boring,” Loch griped.

  “They got married out in the trees by their home, had a big reception inside their house,” Sloane continued, ignoring Loch’s commentary. “Maybe there’s a park or somewhere like that we could go. There wouldn’t be very many people, uh….”

  He was hit with a faint pang of sadness, knowing he had absolutely no family to invite. He had a few dear friends like Milo and Lynnette, perhaps even Fred, but he was struggling to think of anyone else who would come.

  Urilith’s yellow tentacles gently curled around the seat to pat Sloane’s chest. “It doesn’t have to be a grand event. It’s whatever you and Azaethoth want.”

  “Truly, I just want Sloane to be happy,” Loch said, smiling gently and resting his hand on Sloane’s thigh. “I’ll marry you anywhere you like, anytime.”

  “Thank you, Loch.” Sloane was touched. “That’s so sweet—”

  “As long as there’s a fire.”

  Sloane laughed suddenly, the sadness ebbing as he begrudgingly agreed, “Okay, yes. There can be a fire.”

  Loch looked very pleased.

  “Oh! What about the garden you gave me? Why don’t we get married there?”

  “Would that make you happy, my love?”

  “Well, I only have three people to invite, five if I include Robert and Lochlain, so it’s not like we’d be trying to transport a whole crap ton of mortals over there. Your family, heh, they’re all gods, so they can travel there on their own.”

  “My love,” Loch said, one of his tentacles curling around Sloane’s knee, “it’s not a matter of convenience. If you wanted to take a thousand people there, I would gladly do it. But is that really what you want?”

  “It’s beautiful.” Sloane recalled the dreamy blue sky and all the glowing flowers, and he smiled. “It’s… it’s perfect. Yes, I would love to get married there.”

  “It’s settled, then,” Loch said, giving Sloane’s knee another squeeze. “I’ll build the wedding arch myself, just for you. Oh, and a table for us to feast at, and a wedding couch for our guests to watch our consummation—”

  “Maybe not so much on the wedding couch?” Sloane squeaked, exhaling sharply as he came to a stoplight. “I’m sure everyone coming already knows we’ve got the consummation part taken care of.”

  “Indeed.” Urilith chuckled fondly. “Which reminds me, Azaethoth. Who else do you want to come?”

  “Aunt Shartorath, Uncle Yeris, mmm…. Grandpa Baub.” Loch paused to think it over. “Maybe Uncle Babbeth if you could wake him up? Or Uncle Gordoth?”

  Shartorath was the Goddess of Marriage and the Home, Yeris was the God of the Oceans and Hidden Things, Baub was the God of War and Divine Wrath, Babbeth was the God of Death and Lost Children, and Gordoth the Untouched was the God of
Justice and Righteous Wrath.

  Sloane knew all the names, and the casual way Loch listed them off as potential wedding guests was surreal.

  “I don’t want to be greedy, and I don’t know who hasn’t gone completely mad up there.” Loch fidgeted. “If possible, perhaps my idiot brothers as well. That is, if they’re not too busy conspiring to wake up Father and destroy the world.”

  “I’ll be more than happy to wake Uncle Gordoth for you,” Urilith said cheerfully. “He was always a morning person. Shartorath may be a bit cranky, but not insane… not yet anyway. I’ll check on the others when I return home to fetch your wedding present.”

  “Thank you, Mother.”

  “How soon are we planning this wedding?”

  Loch looked to Sloane, asking, “Well, my love? How soon do you want to be properly mated?”

  “Well, uh, you’ve only just asked me.” Sloane chuckled nervously. “I’d want to wait for Lochlain and Robert to come back from their honeymoon—”

  “Next week, then?”

  “Wow, that’s kinda fast, don’t you think?” Sloane flushed, always flattered by Loch’s obvious love for him.

  “Why wait?”

  “How about,” Sloane mused thoughtfully, “we wait until Urilitha? That’s only a few weeks away!”

  “My sabbath!” Urilith gushed. “The spring equinox! Oh, that would be so lovely!”

  “Start our new life together with the start of a new season,” Sloane said, more certain of his decision now. “And we’ll have Urilith herself there to bless our union!”

  “For you, my darling Starkiller, anything,” Loch confirmed. “On Urilith’s Day, we shall be married.”

  Sloane was filled with a rush of excitement and nerves, all smiles as he parked in Lynnette’s driveway. Having a date made the wedding feel tangible, and he still had no idea what he was doing, but with Loch at his side, he knew he could manage.

  Together, they could do anything.

  As they headed back into the house, Sloane heard his phone ding and retrieved it from his pocket. It was a message from Milo.

  “Hey, guys!” Lynnette called out from the kitchen. There was a thick smell of incense perfuming the air, and something was boiling on the stove. “How did it go?”

  “Awesome,” Loch replied smugly. “We had cake.”

  “And the testing?” Galgareth asked, smirking as she checked on the bubbling pot.

  “Went off without a hitch thanks to your sweet blessing.” Sloane paused to read Milo’s message aloud: “Confirmed. Every Silenced dude and dudette donated at Hazel.”

  “Hazel?” Lynnette wrinkled her nose. “The medical place that gives away mugs for donating blood?”

  “That’s the one,” Sloane replied. “Alexander’s parents used to work there before they were murdered seven years ago. Alexander’s real name is Landon Ward, and he’s been missing ever since.”

  “Murdered?” Galgareth clasped a hand to her chest.

  “Yes. And our mysterious blue goo was found at the crime scene. It’s gotta be the same god we’re looking for.”

  “How did you find out about Alexander’s family?”

  “When Milo was running the blood, he found a familial match in the system,” Sloane explained. “Alexander’s father was in there, and that’s what led us to him.”

  “A familial match?” Galgareth looked thoughtful and eyed the bubbling pot for a long moment.

  “What is it, my daughter?” Urilith quizzically peered over at the mixture.

  “I have an idea,” she said, one of her lavender tentacles unfurling from her arm. She picked up a knife and used the blunt end to scrape along the slick skin.

  Lynnette seemed to catch on to what she was doing, and she brought over a little bowl of the blue goo.

  Galgareth took the end of the knife and stirred it into the goo. She held the knife over the boiling pot and it melted into glittering slime, blade and all, splashing as she dropped it in. “There!”

  “There what?” Sloane asked curiously.

  “I’m making my own familial match test.” Galgareth gestured at the pot. “This was going to be a purification potion, but I can use it to see if me and the other god are a match.”

  “Clever!” Loch exclaimed. “If you are, the potion won’t have anything to do….”

  “But if it smokes, that means we weren’t a match,” Galgareth finished with a proud smile. “Well, at least not a very close one. It will at least rule out our brothers and uncles and aunts. She cocked her head. “I think….”

  “It’s worth a try,” Sloane said earnestly. He texted Milo back to thank him and stuffed his phone back in his pocket as he asked, “How long will it take?”

  “Mmm, maybe a few hours,” Galgareth said. “You usually need to wait for a full moon for this kind of purifying power, but I can speed it right along.”

  “So! What do we do now?” Loch asked. “Jay is safely tucked away, potion’s bubbling… are we going to go make a big crack in the case?”

  “I hope so,” Sloane said. “I think we’re gonna go take a little trip to the Hazel Medical Research Facility.”

  “They’re, like, a huge international company,” Lynnette chimed in. “They have places all over the world! They have blood drives after earthquakes and all kinds of do-gooder crap. You really think they’re involved?”

  “Our god of the blue goo has probably been using Hazel’s vast resources to track down and select their targets,” Sloane replied. “It’s our best lead.”

  “So we can go down there and I can unleash my godly wrath?” Loch asked with a distinctly hopeful tone.

  “Not yet,” Sloane warned. “He or she may be posing as an employee like Bad Robert was, so it could be anybody.”

  “Fine. We poke around, find him or her, and then I can unleash my godly wrath?”

  “Strong maybe.”

  THE HAZEL Research Facility was a mammoth skyscraper in the middle of downtown Archersville. It was one of the tallest buildings in the city, with hundreds of floors, a giant monolith of steel and glass looming over the sidewalks below.

  The lobby was clean and white, and there were directories offering various paths to their donation center, laboratories, and offices. The donation center was the only part open to the public, and Sloane decided to start there. With Loch tagging along, he was planning to pose as a potential donor and nose around.

  “Do they really give you a mug for donating your bodily fluids?” Loch flipped through a brochure he’d snagged in the lobby.

  “Yes,” Sloane replied patiently, following signs to the elevators.

  “So, for what amounts to a blood sacrifice, mortals are gifted a plastic piece of drinkware?” Loch scoffed in disgust. “Really? They gave up our worship to go pray to their little Lucian god because ooohhh, blood and tentacles are gross, but they’ll split open their veins for meager bits of plastic!”

  “Well, they’re donating their blood or whatever to help people. It’s not about the cup.”

  “Hmmph.” Loch sniffed. “Maybe we would have kept more followers if we offered toasters.”

  “Loch….”

  “Or beach towels! Look! You can get a beach towel after ten pints! Oh, the orgies and good harvests weren’t good enough, but neon synthetic fabric is?”

  “Azaethoth!” Sloane hissed, hoping no one was listening too closely. He stroked Loch’s back. “Listen, I know it’s probably very upsetting, but these places really are meant to help people.”

  “It’s ridiculous,” Loch huffed as he jabbed at the elevator button.

  “It’s okay.” Sloane took Loch’s hand and squeezed it reassuringly. “I haven’t given you any blood sacrifices, you know.”

  “So?”

  “Does that make me a bad follower?” he teased, stepping inside the elevator when the doors opened. He pushed the button for the third floor. “Or are you going to start a new beach towel incentive to entice me?”

  “Well, you do offer me ple
nty of other bodily fluids.” Loch coyly slid a hand over Sloane’s ass. “You’ve gifted me often with your come, your sweat, your tears of pleasure….”

  “Does that earn me a towel?” Sloane asked, trying to remain calm even as a blush crept up his neck. “Or am I at toaster status?”

  “Definitely a toaster.” Loch leaned in to nuzzle Sloane’s neck.

  Sloane playfully swatted him away when the doors opened, clearing his throat and trying to appear professional. “Now it’s time to behave and….”

  Standing in front of the open doors was Alexander, and he was glaring at them heatedly. “So lovely to see you both again so soon.”

  His mind racing, Sloane stared at the elevator pad. This was supposed to be the third floor, but there was only an empty room behind Alexander.

  “You,” Loch snarled, lunging forward to attack.

  “Wait, Loch!” Sloane grabbed Loch’s shirt and tugged him backward. He looked to Alexander, saying urgently, “Landon? That’s your real name, right?”

  Alexander flinched.

  Sloane swung up his hand to keep the elevator doors open. “Landon Ward? Look, we want to help you.”

  They know….

  “Yes, we know!” Sloane said urgently.

  Alexander’s scowl faded into obvious shock.

  He… he can hear me?

  The mysterious voice sounded particularly surprised.

  “Yes, I can hear you!” Sloane groaned. “We know you’re working for a god, that—” Something grabbed him and wrenched him forward, off-balance and falling.

  The building flashed away, a bright light blinding him, and he cried out as he crashed into something hard. Ground, he was on the ground.

  Sloane managed to pull himself up to his knees, now finding himself in a vast field. The grass was dried and dead, and it crunched beneath him as he moved.

  Alexander was standing over him, pressing his hand against Sloane’s forehead.

  Sloane felt a faint burn, struggling to push Alexander away and throw up a shield. The magic fizzled and sparked, but he couldn’t summon a shield. “What the…?”

  “You’re silenced,” Alexander snapped. “Now, explain to me how you can hear him.”

  He’s a starlit witch… but there’s something else….