Christmas Wish for Me: A Morning Madison Male/Male Single Dad Romance

by Ian Finn

  I begin calling out Eli’s name, and I’m suddenly gripped by the fear that Eli could really be lost. Up in this part of Wisconsin, we’re surrounded by miles upon miles of dense forest, and it’s easy to get yourself turned around. It can happen within seconds.

  Suddenly I myself become confused by which direction I came from, but only seconds later I begin to hear the boys’ voices calling out.

  I’m thrilled and relieved that they’re nearby, and quickly run in their direction. But after a few strides, my feet get caught on a tree root or stump of some sort, and my body goes flying into the snow.

  “Mother fuck!” I cry out in pain.

  That’s when I hear one of the boys yell out, “This way!”

  Even though my pain is overwhelming, it becomes secondary to the fact that I’ve located the boys. And I can now hear them getting even closer to me.

  “Eli! This way!” I call out.

  After they finally reach me, I can see the terror on their little faces.

  “We’re lost!” Eli desperately cries out.

  “How do we get back to the house?” both boys ask with a bleak hopelessness in their voices.

  I try to comfort them by letting them know, “I haven’t walked that far yet, so we can’t be too far away.”

  I realize that it sounds like I’m lost, too. And I just might be.

  Then I reassure them again by adding, “There are people looking for us, too, Eli.”

  When I try and stand up though, my ankle gives out, and I tumble over again. I try not to curse out loud in front of the boys, but inside I’m in a writhing pain and inwardly saying every swear word I can think of.

  I look up at the two boys, and explain, “I’m going to need help. I think my ankle is sprained, or possibly broken.”

  Suddenly Eli begins to cry and I’m ready to console him again by telling him we’ll be found. But instead he blurts out, “This was all my fault! I’m sorry, Mr. Taylor!”

  He says this in between his sobs.

  I feel sympathy for him and try to comfort him by saying, “Eli, no. Please don’t blame yourself. It’s my own clumsiness that caused this.”

  As he continues to cry, I feel as though there might be something else behind it. Maybe he now feels guilty for shunning me like he has?

  “Eli, really, it’s going to be alright. My leg will heal,” I say.

  During his continued sobbing, he then reveals something to me that’s eye-opening.

  “My other dad left me because he didn’t want to be a father anymore.” Then he goes on to say, “I heard my dad and him arguing about it. He left because he didn’t want me. Having to be my dad was too hard on him. Because I’m a bad boy.”

  “Come here, Eli,” I tell him.

  It’s heartbreaking to me, how deeply affected Eli was by that separation, and I can’t help but feel deeply saddened upon hearing this. If only Lewis knew how much little Eli was damaged by the separation, I wonder if he would have had second thoughts about leaving. How selfish of him to do this to such a sweet little boy.

  I comfort Eli with a hug, then find myself blurting out, “Everyone I’ve ever loved has left me too, Eli.”

  I didn’t say this to seek his pity –– I didn’t even mean to say it out loud; it just kind of came out.

  I need to keep reminding myself to stop the self-pity, because there’s nothing I can do about the past. What’s happened has happened, and I can’t go through the rest of my life telling myself or other people that everyone leaves me. I know that it’s nothing compared to what happened to little, innocent Eli.

  Something about what I revealed to him causes a distinct change in his behavior, though, and it’s as if he’s mulling over my words in his head. He stops his crying, and I’m startled by his next statement.

  “We should make a pact to never leave each other,” he says with a fixed gaze and hopefulness in his voice.

  He continues to stare at me, as if he’s searching for the reaction he’s anticipating I will give him.

  I’m extremely touched by Eli’s candor, and the earnestness he’s displaying. If I search my heart, I would like nothing more than to be a family with Ryan and Eli. But if I tell him yes, I’d be making a firm commitment that will once again put me in that precarious position of being abandoned again.

  Only minutes ago, I was thinking that ending it with Ryan would be the best thing for me. Before I get in too deep. But even if I tell myself that I thought that in the heat of the moment to try to protect my heart, now I have no idea whether Ryan would be on board with such a pact. I don’t want to promise something I have no ability to deliver on by myself.

  Eli continues to look at me, expectantly.

  I realize that I can’t turn Eli down, though. If I do, I’ll only be repeating the cycle of abandonment that he’s already faced once, and it will only worsen his already fragile sense of security. The same fragile insecurity I have.

  “Okay, Eli. It’s a deal. Let’s never leave each other,” I tell him, and he nods solemnly hugs me tightly.

  I realize I have to make this commitment and stick with it, regardless of my fears. As long as it’s what Ryan wants, too, of course.

  “Look here at this branch,” Eli says. “Maybe you can use it as a crutch.”

  He hands it to me while he and Nick help lift me into a standing position.

  “Good idea, Eli. Let’s try and follow my footprints and see if we can get back that way,” I tell them.

  On our way in the direction to what I hope is the house, and despite my ongoing pain, I focus on the snow once again. There are a few flakes now coming down, and I feel completely different now. I’m hopeful, once again.

  I’m back to feeling like I always do around Christmastime. I feel joy and gratefulness for the year, despite all the hardships I put myself through. I feel a warmness in my heart that I owe to my loving family and friends.

  Except now I may finally have a family of my own. The thought of it gives me a calm peacefulness that has been missing ever since I was left by Jake.

  “Eli!” Ryan screams out loud, as he sees us exiting the forest.

  He comes running up to his son, picks him up, and holds him tightly. But when he focuses his attention on me, he looks distressed.

  “What happened to you?” he asks, as he puts Eli down, and comes to my aid.

  “I think my ankle might be broken,” I say.

  Ryan then helps me up to the house, where I sit down on the steps of the wooden deck.

  “Let me get my things, and I’ll take you to the hospital,” he says.

  Eli says goodbye to Nick, and the three of us get in the car for the twenty-mile drive to the nearest hospital. I wonder to myself if Ryan is picking up on the fact that there’s no longer any tension in the air. That Eli is now happy.

  That Eli and I are now buddies.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Ryan

  After Zach gets an x-ray on his leg, Eli and I follow behind him as he’s being wheeled to a private room, where he will be seen by the physician.

  Once the three of us are alone, waiting for the doctor to come in, I turn to Zach, asking, “Why is he in such good spirits?”

  I ask this because ever since we began our journey to the hospital, Eli has been humming and singing to his heart’s content. Even after getting lost in the woods and witnessing Zach break his ankle?

  How the heck did my kid go from being angry at me and running away, to being happy and carefree all of a sudden? But neither Zach, nor Eli will give me a definitive answer.

  I’m so glad Zach found the boys. But now I’m really wondering what they talked about out there in the snow.

  All Zach will say is, “Eli and I have come to an agreement.”

  And then Eli repeats it, with a very serious nod of his head.

  I’m so puzzled as to what went on between them. Not that I’m complaining, by any means. I’m thrilled to see my son in this state, no matter the reason or discussion that ma
y have prompted it. And despite his injured leg, even Zach is back to the happier way he was before Eli ran off.

  I shrug it off for the moment, then ask Zach, “Have the pain meds kicked in yet?”

  He replies with a nod, smile, and an, “Oh yes!”

  I chuckle, because it looks like he’s getting some good stuff. I’m glad the hospital is taking such good care of him.

  After waiting a good ten minutes, the doctor finally knocks on the door and comes into the room, holding the results of the x-ray.

  “Hi, I’m Dr. Mason,” he says, shaking our hands, before placing the x-ray film on the light box.

  Zach and I are crossing our fingers that it’s a sprain that will only require some crutches for a few days. But after a minute of studying the results, the doctor turns to us.

  “Well, the bad news is that you do have a fracture and will require a cast, but it’s only a minor one, and hopefully you’ll heal quickly,” he tells us.

  When Dr. Mason sees Zach frown, though, he tells him, “You’re very lucky, actually. Trust me, I’ve seen much worse breaks than this. You’re young and healthy and it should heal in no time.”

  He then returns to the x-ray and points out to us where the fracture is, but with my untrained eye, to me it just looks like a bunch of bones. I nod anyway and appear interested as he begins to spout out his medical terminology regarding the injury.

  He then shuts off the light box and shakes our hands, before saying, “The orthopedic technician will be in here shortly to put on the cast. Thanks for being patient. We always have a lot going on this time of year. Skiing and sledding accidents galore.”

  “Thank you, Doctor,” Zach says.

  Dr. Mason then exits the room.

  Now that the three of us are alone again, I notice that Eli has fallen asleep on the chair. Both of us stare at Eli, then look back at each other.

  “Are you bummed?” I ask him, adding, “This wasn’t exactly the best way to exit a Christmas party. Out of the warm, festive house and into the snow. And then into a cast, no less!”

  Zach smiles.

  “I’ll be okay. It will be a minor inconvenience, but I’ll survive,” he says.

  Just then my phone rings, and I see that Wes is calling. He’s calling to check in and that’s when I tell him that Zach will be needing a cast, after all.

  “I’m sorry, you guys,” he says with compassion, then asks to talk to Zach.

  The two only talk for another half a minute before Zach hangs up. Now that Eli is passed out, I decide to ask Zach again what happened to make Eli suddenly change his mood, and I also ask, “Did something happen out there in the woods?”

  Zach responds, “Eli thought it was all his fault that this happened to me. But he then revealed to me that he overheard you and Lewis arguing, and Lewis no longer wanted to be his father. It was obvious that it was really emotional for him, and I felt devastated.”

  For a moment I’m stunned, as I try to recall when that particular argument took place. Now I feel awful that Eli had to hear this directly out of Lewis’ mouth, and wonder why I wasn’t more careful to protect him. I curse myself for being so irresponsible about keeping Eli out of everything.

  But then I begin to wonder what Eli’s motive was for revealing this to Zach.

  When I ask Zach, he says, “I don’t know. Perhaps that memory was so painful that he put it in the back of his mind. But something was triggered when he was so upset and blamed himself for my fall.”

  Then I ask, “Did you say anything to him?”

  Zach then pauses for a long while, as if he’s reluctant to reveal anything further.

  “What?” I ask.

  “I told him that people have left me, too. We hugged, and that’s when we made a pact to never leave each other again,” he says.

  I then begin to tear up, picturing in my mind how they bonded with one another. But Zach doesn’t stop there.

  “I’m sorry that I was trying so hard to keep from making a commitment to you. But I’m ready now… I want us to be a family.”

  He pauses once again, before continuing.

  “I now realize that nothing is forever, and there are no guarantees in life. But I want to be there for Eli, and you, regardless. I want to try again with you, Ryan.”

  Both of us are teary eyed, as I make my way to Ryan, to kiss him.

  “I want to be with you, too. Let’s be a family together… the three of us,” I tell him, looking back at my now peaceful son.

  My Christmas wish has finally come true, and I couldn’t be happier.

  It’s a long night and drive back to Madison, but I decide to drink some coffee so I can remain alert while I drive Zach home. Both Zach and Eli fall asleep on the way back, and I begin to think over the night’s events as I drive.

  Although the night ended with Zach suffering an injury, I begin to think about everything good that’s come out of it. I don’t know whether Eli would have eventually come around and accepted Zach without getting lost in the woods, but that no longer matters. The fact is that we’re all together now.

  I put some Christmas music on the radio and find myself singing to the words.

  Dreaming of home at this Christmas time,

  Even more than I usually do,

  And although I know it’s a long road back,

  I promise you,

  I’ll be home for Christmas.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Zach

  “Thank you, nice chatting with you,” I tell my Uber driver as he lets me out at the curb.

  While crossing the street, I can already see through the window that the turnout at Ryan’s Madison Music Center’s grand opening is going to be huge. There are a group of people outside the front entrance on a smoke break, and they see me hobble up on my crutches.

  “Here, let me get that for you,” one of the gentlemen says to me, with one of those warm and cheerful smiles that people often have around this time of year.

  A big rush of warm air hits me when I enter the store, and the first thing I notice is a festive ten-foot Christmas tree sitting in the center of the store. Ryan has gone all out in creating a holiday atmosphere, including decorating all the display cases with many listening Christmas lights.

  That’s when I notice that Candy, Wes, Flynn, Brent and Will are standing in a circle, and I decide to make my way over to them.

  “Hey. You made it!” Candy says, hugging me.

  “So, Wes filled me in on all the details after you left the party. I’m so sorry, dear!” she says.

  I’ve come to see this injury as a blessing in disguise, and I let them know it.

  “Don’t be sorry, Candy,” I tell her, and the rest of them. “Breaking my leg last night has made me the happiest man alive,” I say.

  The five friends look at each other as if I’ve lost my mind. I guess I can’t really blame them.

  “How so?” Brent asks suspiciously, while he scrutinizes my face.

  “Because Ryan and I are together now. We’re officially a couple!” I say with glee.

  Saying this to my friends out loud makes me feel elated. I can’t wait to tell everybody I know that Ryan and I are a couple, and the three of us are now a family.

  That’s when Brent lets me in on a secret.

  “Yeah, Ryan kind of mentioned that the two of you were dating,” he reveals.

  They congratulate me with a warm, energetic embrace, which practically knocks me off my crutches.

  “Oops, sorry. I don’t know my own strength,” Wes jokes.

  Suddenly I feel arms surround my torso, and a kiss on the back of my neck.

  “Hi, baby!” Ryan whispers into my ear.

  Then Eli also comes from behind, and hands me a present.

  “Here you go, Zach. This is from my daddy,” he says graciously, then adds, “But you’re going to have to wait until Christmas to get the present from me.”

  My heart almost melts when I see little Eli standing there with a big grin on his f
ace, holding out the smallish box. I look at Ryan and take in the warm glow in his eyes. His eyes that are filled with love, letting me know that he is now mine.

  I lean down to give Eli a hug and thank him.

  “Come on, let’s go sit down and you can watch me open it,” I tell him.

  Ryan then guides me to a special sitting area he set up for people who want to sit and eat and converse. There are lots of familiar faces from around town, as well as people I’ve seen in our audience at Morning Madison.

  Seated in one of the chairs is Father Joseph, who immediately sees me and then approaches me.

  “What on earth has happened to you, Zach?” he asks, with concern.

  I’m about to tell him I tripped while running away from breaking another church window, but I don’t know if he’d appreciate my warped sense of humor.

  So instead, I say, “Oh, I just tripped, like the klutz I am.”

  Then I wonder to myself if perhaps the thought of me breaking another window has already crossed Father Joseph’s mind.

  But instead, he compliments me… I think.

  “But despite this injury, Zach, you are absolutely glowing tonight! Didn’t I tell you that the penance I gave you of directing the childrens’ choir would uplift your spirits?” he says.

  Well, I can’t say he’s completely wrong on that. The choir is, after all, turning out much better than I ever expected.

  But I highly doubt if my glow has anything to do with that, in particular! And Father Joseph certainly doesn’t need to be filled in on the lurid details of that part of my life.

  I then ask him, “So, Father Joseph, after the Morning Madison Christmas Special, will my debt to the church finally be paid?”

  He looks at me gravely at first, but then begins to laugh, as if this is the funniest thing he’s ever heard.

  I guess I got my answer. Back to sweeping floors and cleaning toilets after the first of the year it is. Lord help me!

  He’s then approached by one of his parishioners, and excuses himself. Ryan is sitting beside me and picks up the present that Eli had handed to me. It’s a small box, but not too tiny, and I begin to wonder what it could be.