Love's Dance

by Karen Deen

  Tears pour down my face. I thought I’d cried them all away. How wrong am I? There’s plenty more to be shed.

  “Say something, please. I am dying on the inside, Nat. Tell me what to do.”

  She wipes my face and looks sadly at me.

  “You know I can’t answer your questions, don’t you? No one can make those big life decisions for you. Only you can do that. I know it’s hard and it hurts. It sucks big balls. You must remember though, you have been here before and survived and you will get over this hurdle, too. Now, let’s start with what you just told me.”

  “Great friend you are,” I half-laugh, trying to pull myself together. “You’re supposed to have all the magical answers.”

  “Well, gorgeous, sorry about that. I can’t even sort my own shit out and you expect me to sort out your life. Pfft, dream on.” We both let out a little giggle and then I rest my head on the sofa.

  “How do I always manage to get into such shitty circumstances? I mean, I finally find the perfect man and the timing is completely screwed.”

  “Why are you so convinced the timing isn’t right? Why can’t you have Grant and the position in New York? Long distance romances work for lots of people. I mean, it’s not as if he doesn’t have the money to be able to travel to visit you.”

  Natalie is my closest friend, but I’m not sure she understands the demands of being part of a dance company. All shows are either at night, some days are two shows with matinees backed up with another show at night. I’ll be sleeping during the day. That doesn’t even take into account the strict fitness regime I would need to keep up. My whole life would be consumed by dance. A month ago, I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more. Hell, even last week, my answer would be the same. Today, it has lost some of its appeal.

  Today, all I can think of is that sexy as hell man who is probably standing in my apartment right now in a towel, pacing and pretty fucking angry with me. I turned my cell off after I messaged Natalie, knowing it would be blowing up with calls and messages from Grant. I am just not strong enough to talk to him yet. I just hope like hell he understands and follows my wishes. He made me a promise and I need him to keep it.

  “I know it won’t work, Nat. The demands on me will be huge. There would be no time for Grant. He would start to resent me. I couldn’t hurt him like that. It is better this way and that gives him a chance to move on and find someone else to make him happy.”

  Natalie looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind.

  “I think there’s a few things you’ve missed in this equation of yours. Firstly, you know I love you dearly and support you but on the off-chance you don’t get in, then what happens? You have thrown away the chance to be blissfully happy. I mean, you don’t need to tell me, but the sex was good, wasn’t it? I mean, how could it not be. Your description had me swooning.” I don’t answer but my smile is enough. Good is a complete understatement. That’s something between Grant and me. Those memories are sacred to me now.

  “Secondly, what if Grant doesn’t want to just move on? You know you don’t get to decide for him. You didn’t even give him a chance to talk to you about it. He is going to be pretty pissed, I reckon.”

  “You think? I can just imagine what he’s yelling as he storms down the stairs to look for me. He doesn’t take not being in control very well and I seem to be the one who sets him off pretty easy. He will be at the studio by now banging the door down. That is why I came here. He doesn’t know I come here and I know I’ll be safe for a while. I’ll just have to wait it out until later today and then head home. Luckily, I don’t have classes tonight due to the school dance being on and most of my classes were going to be empty anyway. God, what a mess I’ve got myself into. If only I’d said no.” Sighing, I look across at Nat.

  “Yeah, right. If he didn’t fuck you last night, it would have been one night this week. He has you turned upside down, you’re wet just thinking about him. It isn’t a matter of if you fucked him, just a matter of when. Surely, you are smart enough to realize that?”

  “Get lost. Why do you have to know me so well, bitch? If you have all the answers, tell me where to go from here.”

  “You know what the answer is, Zara. You just have to work out how to do it. In the meantime, you have an audition to prepare for and while you sort out your fucked-up love life, you can get your ass to the gym and put in a solid work out.”

  It’s the last thing I feel like doing. All I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and tell the world to go away and leave me alone.

  Thinking for a minute, I know Nat’s right, it’s probably just what I need right now.

  “Okay, you slave driver, let’s go. But no talk about men, sex or anything to do with Grant. Otherwise I am out of here. Got it?”

  “Right, try telling that to Xavier when he pumps you to find out what’s happened. He’s the biggest gossip in this gym. Don’t even try to kid yourself that he won’t ask.”

  “My growl will keep him at bay. He’s scared of me anyway.”

  “Yeah right, you just keep believing that. Let’s go.”

  We walk back into the gym where Xavier heads in our direction.

  “What the hell happened to you? Who do I need to beat up?” It makes me laugh because Xavier is fit but not tough and brave.

  “I love you like a brother, Xavier, but please can we just leave it for now? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but what I need from you right now is to work my ass off so hard I don’t even have the energy to think.”

  “What the hell? I never thought I’d hear those words come from your mouth, girly. Your wish is my command, sister. Get that tight little booty over on the treadmill and get running. Get those legs warmed up and then the torture begins.”

  Little does Xavier realize the torture began hours ago. Right about the time I got out of bed and walked away from Grant. Nothing is going to hurt as much as that. Today is going to be a very long day. I can feel it in my bones. I just try to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. Nothing else matters right now.

  20

  Grant

  Although the shower is small, the hard needles of hot water are just what I need to soothe my muscles. I run and workout every day, taking great pleasure in my fitness and looks. A night with Zara put any workout in the gym to shame. That woman had me using every last bit of stamina I had to keep her happy last night. It was the most amazing night. Then to wake up with her in my arms was a totally different sensation that moved my soul.

  I hear my sisters talking about chick flicks and those books with the near-naked men on the covers. The ones that always end happily ever after. They swoon over the hot guy and say things about soulmates. Until last night, I thought it was all a load of bullshit. Until Zara’s soul merged and became one with mine. I felt it all night. When I kissed her, was inside her and as she fell asleep on my chest with the most beautiful smile on her face. Her soul had found its home in me. There is no other place I want her soul to be than right here with mine. As one.

  Thank god, I don’t need to go into the office today. Showering, using Zara’s soap is going to give Luke plenty of ammunition. If I walk into the office smelling like a woman, all fruity, there will be questions. I already organized yesterday to take today out of the office. My secretary nearly choked when I told her I will be working from home. In all the years she’s worked for me, I have never not showed up to the office. Time to shake things up a bit. Time to live a little. I know I won’t be able to last long trying this but today is important.

  While I stand in the shower, I think of all the things I need to say to Zara. All the reasons why she needs to listen to me and just think about what I’m proposing. She needs to give me a chance to show her I’m nothing like those other men. Most importantly, I need her to understand that no matter what, I’m not walking away. I can’t. Not now. No matter what I said.

  “Last chance, Zara. You sure you don’t want to be my towel girl and rub me down? I promise I won
’t mind.” I chuckle as I walk out of the bathroom. Everything sounds so still. There’s no noise coming from either the kitchen or the bedroom. Maybe Zara crawled back into bed to wait for me and fell asleep. I wouldn’t blame her. I’m pretty exhausted, too. There was little to no sleep last night.

  Investigating, I can’t find her in either spot. My heart starts to pick up pace, slightly concerned as to where she’s gone. I’m sure there will be a logical explanation to her disappearance although I don’t have a good feeling. Maybe she ducked out to buy coffees rather than make them. She should have waited. I would have done that for her. It would have given me satisfaction to pamper her this morning. Along with the coffee, there would have been fruit salad, yoghurt and bagels. Nutrition is really important to her at this point in time, I imagine. To be an elite athlete, you need to put the right fuel in your body. That’s what Zara is, a gorgeous elite athletic dancer.

  Thinking of breakfast, I notice the note she’s left on the bench for me. There’s no need to worry where she is.

  That was of course until I pick up the note. I stare at way too many words on the page which tell me she hasn’t gone for coffee. Fuck.

  Dearest Grant,

  Last night was the most amazing night of my life. Not that I ever doubted it wouldn’t be. I fought you at every turn but in the end, I couldn’t resist the pull you have on me. No man has ever made me feel the way you do. The raw emotion you touched me with has become buried in my soul. No man will ever touch that part of my soul again.

  I knew when I agreed to one night, walking away would be hard but I never expected to feel like I do. Please know this is the hardest thing I have ever done. Harder than any hurdle I have ever faced. It hurt too much to say this to you face to face. So, I took the cowards way, and ran. I know you will be angry and hurt and you have every right to be. Know that I’ve done this for you, as much as me. It is not fair for me to leave you hanging while I go off to live my dream. By ending this before it even has time to start is the best thing for us both.

  You will hurt for a while but then you will be free to move on with your life and find the woman who is meant to stand by your side and make you happy. I hope she’s good to you and loves you with all she is. That is what you deserve.

  In another time, another place, that woman would have been me, but it was not meant to be. That will be my biggest regret.

  My biggest wish for you is love and happiness. Take care, and always know, I will never forget last night. You will forever own my heart.

  Zara x

  P.S Please honor your promise of walking away. I’m not sure I will be strong enough to do this on my own. Please don’t make it harder than it already is. Just lock the door on the way out, please. Believe me, it’s better for you this way.

  “No fucking way am I letting you go that easy. You may think it’s best for me, but you don’t get to make that decision. How can you not tell what I felt last night? I’ve fallen so hard for you and I can’t bear to let you go. Not happening, no matter what you want.” I know she can’t hear me, but I’m so angry, it all just comes rushing out. I dial her number and listen to the rings.

  “Zara, pick up your cell. We need to talk.”

  Goddammit, woman!

  For the third time, her cell goes straight to messages. My guess is she’s turned it off, so I can’t get ahold of her. Little lady, you think you can hide from me then you don’t know me as well as you think. You may be stubborn, but I can top that. I never give in when there’s something or someone I want. I am also very good at playing the waiting game to get the right deal across the line. This is no different, baby. I will wait right here in your apartment. You’ll come home eventually. I will be here waiting for you with my arms wide open. My soul is already aching at the thought of losing you. You’re right about one thing. It fucking hurts and I don’t like it. The sooner we get this sorted, the sooner the pain goes away.

  Let the dance begin, my beautiful ballerina. No matter which way you leap, I will always be there to catch you safely in my arms, where you belong.

  I can’t sit with all my anger. Pacing is all I can do, and this apartment isn’t big enough. I can’t leave as it isn’t guaranteed Zara will let me back in to talk to her. This is my only shot, waiting her out.

  Wondering where she’s gone has my mind working overtime. Would she have run to the studio? Surely not. That would be the first place I would look if I was game enough to leave here. I just want to know where she is. Is she okay? If her heart is hurting as much as mine, she will be a mess. I need to be there to take care of her. I’m torn as to what to do.

  Desperate times call for desperate measures. I will pay for this, but it’s the only thing I can think of doing.

  “Morning, big brother, what’s up?”

  “Zach, I need your help and it’s urgent. Sorry, I know you’re busy with Emily and the kids and I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t really important.”

  “Whoa, slow down, Grant. What is going on? I have never heard you this panicked. It doesn’t matter what is going on, I’m there. What do you need?”

  “Why didn’t you tell me how much it hurts to love a woman?”

  “I knew it, man. She’s your one, isn’t she? Zara has you by the balls and you don’t know how to handle it.”

  “Man, I wish she had me by the balls right now, at least I would know where she is. Long story, but she’s trying to protect her heart by running from me. Don’t ask details, but I am at her apartment waiting for her to come back but I can’t leave. Can you go to the studio and check if she’s there? She will be upset. I need to find her. I am going out of my fucking mind. She isn’t answering her phone. If she is there, just message me and I will come. Whatever the fuck you do, don’t let her leave. Even if you have to tie that crazy woman to the dance bar to stop her.”

  I can hear both him and Emily giggling. The bastard put me on speaker phone.

  “Zach, you’re an ass, but I don’t have time to argue with you. Can you just do it? And good morning, Emily.”

  “Morning, Grant. Let me guess, she tried to fuck you out her system last night but all it did was plant you deep in her soul and now she’s running scared. How did I do?”

  “Yep, you got it in one. Now can we talk about this later, please? Zach, call me as soon as you get there. I need to know if she is okay.”

  “Okay, I’m leaving as we speak. All jokes aside, man, don’t give up on her. Don’t be a dumbass like I was and wait too long. It took our nosy family getting involved to give me that push. Let me assure you, that’s a pain you can do without. Whatever you need, I am here. Talk as soon as I find her.”

  Emily joins in. “Exactly. Lilly and Aleshia are the last people you need helping you at the moment. Mind you, I wouldn’t have this hot man in my life if they hadn’t, so I can’t complain too much. She won’t run far, Grant. It will be okay.”

  “I hope you are right, Em. Thanks, Zach. I know I can be a jerk, but I love you, man. Thanks for being here for me. I have lost control and I don’t know what to do. I have never been in this spot before. I feel like I am drowning.”

  “It’s okay I love you too, man. No matter what I am always here. That is what family does. We take care of our own. Zara is your woman, so she is one of our own, too. I will try to find her and take care of her.”

  I need something to do while I wait to hear from Zach. I decide to do some work from my cell. I log into my work emails and start firing replies to the hundreds that have turned up overnight. I hope they aren’t expecting politeness in any replies, because I’m fresh out of it. In fact, I’m so pissed, my dick is rock hard.

  Only she does that to me. She makes me so mad and turns me on all at the same time. When Zara finally walks through that door, I’m not sure if I want to scream at her first, kiss her, or pin her to the door and fuck her hard. Hard enough she remembers what it feels like and never wants to leave me again.

  Come home, Zara, I need you. I have never needed anyon
e, ever.

  But I need you. Where are you, baby?

  Zara

  “No matter what’s happening in my life, remind me never to tell Xavier I need a hard workout.” I stand in the shower trying to lift my arms to wash my hair. My triceps burn like hell. I can still see the satisfied smile on his face as I groaned at him while he put me through my paces.

  “At least he kept quiet. Normally, all I hear from you two is noise. You screaming at him to shut up, him laughing and still giving you heaps. I don’t think you really would have been up for that this morning.” Natalie stands at the edge of the shower room. Some would think it’s weird she stands there watching me shower, but we have no secrets. Natalie is my best friend and we have been through a lot together. She never looks at me any different. That’s what besties do. She knows I need company right now, because being alone leaves too much time to think. I need to be busy.

  “My body is not thanking me for that, but my heart is. You’re right, today Xavier and his smart mouth would have been too much. If I am honest, my muscles aren’t just aching from my workout this morning.” My mind starts the movie reel of memories of every position Grant had me in last night.

  “Are you sure you really want to do this? The look on your face just then as you relived your night with him, tells me you are crazy, girl. Be honest, he was the best man you have ever had, wasn’t he? The best sex ever?”