by Karen Deen
“But you promised,” I whisper.
“I know, I’m sorry, baby. I just never knew it would feel like this or be this hard.”
“It hurts so much. It physically hurts.” He needs to know how much it killed me this morning. It was so hard to leave. “I never want to hurt you. I never should have agreed to last night.”
“No, baby, don’t say that. No matter what happens, I will never forget last night. Remember, no regrets. Maybe a lot of heartache but definitely no regrets.”
Tilting my head, he finds my lips. I know it’s hello and goodbye all wrapped up in one kiss. His eyes tell me he knows it, too.
“No regrets,” I murmur between kisses.
What starts as a soft kiss full of emotion, quickly turns hot, hungry, and full of passion. The raw sexual energy pulls at us both. We both feel it at the same time and pull back, breathing fast and staring straight into each other’s souls. It’ time to talk.
“Fuck me.” Grant runs his hands through his hair.
“Yes, you nearly did,” I giggle. I can’t help it. We need to distance ourselves and break the moment.
“You can laugh, baby, but I am still contemplating taking you against that door. So be careful with that sassy little mouth of yours, gorgeous.” His grin is panty-melting. His expression tells me if I give him an inch, the next thing I’ll feel will be that door. It also tells me he knows he needs to back off.
“We need to talk, Zara. Well, actually, I need to talk, you need to listen. Just let me finish before you reply. Is that okay?” I nod. When you’re laying out your emotions, you just need to do it fast.
I try to look down at my lap, but he won’t have that.
“No, baby, up here. I need to see you. I need to feel what you’re feeling. Your eyes are my window to your soul.”
I go to talk but his finger on my mouth stops me.
“I am not going to lie. The first time I met you, everything about you frustrated the hell out of me. You pissed me off with your sassiness and smart mouth. You stood up to me like no woman has ever done. Our toe-to-toe banter is the best I’ve had. But it didn’t take me long for it to turn into lust for a woman who’s not afraid to take me on. You never backed away. Never gave in. However, I also saw this beautiful woman who cared more for my niece than her own safety. A woman who danced like nobody was watching and shared every part of her soul with the world. You floored me that night. I just didn’t know what to do.”
My heart’s full with his words but is ready to break all over again.
“I never lose control of my life. I run the business, I run the family and I run anything else that comes into my world…except you! No matter what I do, I can’t control you, or this. It took on its own path and dragged me towards you. I tried just as hard to fight it. I kept telling myself to walk away, but I just don’t know how. That’s why I’m still sitting here. No one has ever seen through me like you do. The outside world sees the cocky arrogant man, but you see more. You see a side to me that I’ve never shared or been game to share. You see the vulnerable me. The man who sometimes just needs to be able to be himself. Not a CEO, not a son taking over the father role, not a big brother and uncle keeping everyone safe. Just me, Grant.”
It’s then I realize how selfish I am. This isn’t just about me. This is about Grant, too. As much as he has stirred something magical in me, I’ve done the same to him.
“Baby, I know how important this audition is to you. I would never stand in the way of your dream. I just want to be there to hold your hand and cheer you on. I want you to be successful. I want you to go to New York. Don’t get me wrong, phone sex will never be the same, but if that’s all I can get, I’ll take it. Just lend me some of those books in your cupboard. They’re pretty dam hot, if this one is anything like the rest.”
“What the fuck were you reading, Grant?”
“Uh ah, no talking, remember? Let’s just say I take back everything I’ve said to my sisters about their porno books. They’re a very interesting read. I also may or may not have had a vision of you laying in your bed naked with a book in one hand and a toy in the other. I nearly had to unload on my own.” He pauses. “Do you own any toys, Zara? Wait, actually please don’t answer that.”
My giggle and blush may be a giveaway.
“Fuuuuccck,” he groans
“Do you want to see?”
“For fuck’s sake, Zara, please shut your pretty little lips, otherwise I will be placing my dick in there any minute to keep you quiet.”
Mmm, the vision and taste all comes back to me. I would love to say yes please but that won’t help.
“I need to focus, and those visions are not helping, Grant.”
“Try being my cock,” he laughs.
He takes a deep breath and sighs. “Zara, what I’m trying to say to you is, don’t give up before we even try. I can’t promise you it will be smooth sailing. We try to kill each other more times than we know how to be nice in a day, but that’s the biggest turn-on of all. I will give you whatever you need. If you need me to walk away until after the audition, I will do it. If you need me here every night to fuck you to sleep, I will do it. Please note the second option would be my preference, just so you know. Whatever you need, just tell me. As you can see today, I’m very patient and can wait for you. Just please don’t push me away.”
Taking my face with both hands, he pleads. “Please don’t ask me to walk away forever. I just can’t do it. Please, just give me a chance.” The raw emotion in his eyes floors me. He’s laying himself bare to me like he’s never done before. Like he said earlier, this is the real him. Vulnerable and just wanting me.
Trying to breathe, I keep feeling the pain in my chest. Grant has cracked open my heart and it hurts.
“I want you so much it hurts. You have to know that. I just don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to live my dancing dream and have you without either one of us suffering. I’m so confused. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. I don’t even want to keep my eyes open. Looking at you is breaking my heart. I’m hurting you by being so selfish. Yet in the past when I put others first, I was the one who got hurt. They crushed me. There’s no right answer here.
“I think I just need time, Grant. I need to dance to clear my head. I need to focus and take away any confusion. I know you don’t understand this, but it’s the way I cope. Everything comes together in my head and body once the music starts.”
“You’re wrong, I do understand. That’s what you do for me. You make everything come together like it never has before. Baby, you are my music and you have me dancing to your tune.”
“That is not helping me, Grant. You are just confusing me more every time you talk. I need space and time.”
“Just like Emily said you would.”
“What?”
“Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”
This time it’s Grant who tries to pull away. I think he’s exhausted his strength to not touch me, so it’s easier to look away. He slowly lifts me off his lap and sits me next to him on the sofa. He reaches for his shirt and slips it on.
“There’s food in the kitchen, actually probably enough to feed you for a week.”
“I haven’t eaten today so that sounds great.” I’m confused at the change of tact. Although, relieved for the break in emotion.
He leans down, picks up his cell and slides it into his pocket. He then turns for a kiss that’s ever so soft on my forehead. What’s he doing?
Grant turns and walks to the door. He stops and turns to me.
“I will give you what you need, baby. Time and space. It will hurt like hell, but I will take the pain for you. I will walk away until after the audition but that’s it. You can’t run from this. We’re meant to be. I feel it in my soul. I will wait for you. Please don’t run. When you’re ready, come to me. I’ll be here. But for the love of God, if you need me, I’ll be here in a flash. Dance with all your heart and soul, baby. You can do this. Chase your dream, while I
wait for mine.” His head bows as he turns his back to me, and I’m not sure if I hear a slight sob.
I close my eyes. My heart breaks at the scene before me. I can’t bear it. When I open my eyes, he’s gone. Gone from my life because I’m stupid and pushed him away.
What the hell have I done?
I sit in stunned silence as more tears fall. This time they aren’t for me. They’re for the amazing man who just walked away with a broken heart.
He walked away for me.
I don’t deserve him.
22
Grant
Several days have passed since I walked out of Zara’s apartment. Life is like living in a bubble. I just function. I get up, run until my legs feel like they’re going to collapse. I can’t even manage a friendly greeting for my doorman Burt.
I just don’t see the sun anymore. Life has become grey.
Each day, I’m in the office before anyone else. Working is my escape from the world. It’s a place I can go and not have to think. My staff work out after the first day to stay away from me unless it’s absolutely necessary. Alesha and Lilly keep pushing and poking, trying to find out what’s wrong with me, until I lose it and tell them to stay the fuck out of my business. If I need them to know, I will tell them. Otherwise, just leave me alone. For the first time ever, they both turn and leave my office without saying a word. I feel terrible for what I’ve done but I just don’t have strength to explain.
Emily and Zach call every day to check on me. Zach was brief and offered to come back to work early to take some pressure. I insisted he stay away. He deserves to be with his family and Emily needs him. Plus, I need the extra workload to distract me.
Luke’s laying low. He isn’t stupid. He knows something is going on, so he finds reasons to be out of the office most of the time. He even offers to take Zoe with him on his trips to save her having to put up with me while Zach is away. I don’t know what they’re doing or where they were going but to be honest, I don’t care. As long as he isn’t in my face.
At night, I lay awake thinking of Zara. I wonder if she’s okay and how her rehearsing is going. Is she eating enough? Is she feeling stressed about next week? Will she be ready?
The questions that really hurt every single night when I can’t sleep are always the same.
Is she missing me?
Is she hurting as much as me?
I can’t sleep for long because my dreams are full of her. Some are beautiful visions of the night we were together. The ones that have me waking in cold sweats are of her walking away and not looking back.
I have to prepare myself that it could happen.
I haven’t heard a single thing from her since I walked out her door. I was desperate to see her, to touch her, to feel her lips on mine, to be one with her.
I rest back on my office chair and close my eyes. It’s been a really long day and I just want a minute where my mind is clear. Free of work and free of Zara. Just a minute for me.
No sooner have I closed my eyes, there’s a knock at my door.
“Hey, man, just thought we would call in to see how things are going. You up for some visitors?”
Before I even have a chance to acknowledge Zach, the door bursts open and hits the wall with a thud.
“Uncle Grant!” I hear in unison as Sammy and Sophia come running towards my desk. Sammy launches himself at me before I have time to stand. Sophia climbs straight onto my lap and snuggles in for her cuddle. Samuel’s already out of my lap and looking out the window.
I hold Sophia as tight as I can and snuggle into her. This time the cuddle is as much for me as it is for her. It’s like she knows I need her. This little girl is my angel. She understands me like no other person.
Except my Zara.
“Hey guys, how was school? Did you have a good day?” That’s enough to send Sammy off with his stories of his day. I’m sure he could talk under water. While he’s talking, Emily arrives with baby Thomas. Surprisingly, Zoe and Luke aren’t far behind her. Then, like a magnet, my sisters arrive. They must have heard the kids were here. Not that it’s hard to know when they’re around. You can either hear them or all the women going silly over the baby.
Sammy’s attention goes straight to Luke as soon as he enters the room. Those two are meant for each other. Both wild and never know when to keep their mouths shut.
“Uncle Grant, are you okay?” I hear Sophia’s little voice.
“Yeah, sweetie, I’m okay. What makes you ask?” It’s then I notice she’s in her dancing gear. That makes my heart leap and ache all at the same time.
“Well, when we were leaving dancing, Mommy was talking to Miss Zara and when she said we were coming to see you, she got really sad. Mommy put her arm around her and gave her a big hug to make her feel better.” The little girl is killing me with her story. “Then we came in here and you looked sad just like Miss Zara. Did you make her sad?”
“No, baby girl. I think Miss Zara did that one all on her own. Sometimes you make hard choices in life that you think are the right ones, but they really hurt. I know you don’t understand, but one day when you’re a big girl, I will explain it to you.” I pull her in for another hug to wipe away the vision of my girl hurting at the mention of my name.
“Hi, Grant.” I look into Emily’s understanding eyes. “How are you?”
“Hey, Em. You know, same as yesterday. Tomorrow I will probably answer the same.”
“Soph, why don’t you go and see your aunties and give them a hug. They miss you.”
Her face lights up and she looks at me to check if I’m okay. I love this little girl so much. I give a little nod because we don’t have to always talk to know what the other is thinking.
“I need to know, Em. How is she? What did she say to you?”
“How do you know I was talking to her?”
I smile and raise my eyebrows.
“Of course, Sophia told you. She was worried Zara looked sad.”
“Yeah, she just told me.”
“She’s doing okay. She’s spending her days teaching and rehearsing every spare minute. She only has five more days until the audition and interview, so the nerves are building.”
“Did she mention me?” I’m aching for the slightest bit of news
“She asked if you are okay, just like she has every single time I’ve seen her. She is hurting bad, Grant. You can tell by her face.”
“Well, whose fault is that?” I snap.
“Calm it down, big boy. Yes, she has chosen that path, but it doesn’t mean it makes it any easier on her. In fact, it probably makes it harder. She’s blaming herself for hurting you and knowing she is causing her own pain, too.”
“I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I am barely functioning. I am worried she’s going to ruin her chances with her audition and then she will blame it on me.”
“No, she knows you walked away for her and that she forced you into it. Have faith, Grant. It will all work out okay. I am sure of it. Just keep breathing like I told you. That’s all you can do. Just be patient with her.”
“I told her I’ll wait for her. I just hope she doesn’t leave me hanging too long. It’s just too hard.”
“Hey guys, we’re all going down to Mulligan’s for a drink and dinner. Let’s go,” Luke yells across the room.
I look into Emily’s eyes and plead with her.
“It will do you good,” she whispers. “Yeah, we’re in, aren’t we, Grant? Especially if Luke is shouting,” she giggles.
“What the f—”
“Luke!” every adult in the room shouts in unison.
The kids freeze and look to their uncle.
“What a funny lady you are, Emily, was what I was going to say. You all panic too much.”
“Nice save, Luke,” Zach smirks as he whacks his brother across the back of the head.
“Someone better call Gruffy and Me-Me,” Alesha yells as she walks to grab her bag from her office.
“I will do it now. Can you
grab my bag and coat too, please?” Lilly calls after her.
“Looks like I have no choice,” I mumble as I stand to shut down my office and close up for the night. “Right, everyone out so I can lock up and I will meet you there.”
“Uncle Grant, can I come with you?” Sophia looks up at me with those eyes none of us can resist.
“Of course, princess. I can use the company. You can tell me all about your day on the way there. Is that a deal?”
“Okay.” She grins and slips her hand into mine. Emily just looks and smiles while slipping her arm through Zach’s. He’s standing with Thomas in his arms and Sammy bouncing around him. One day I want that. I never thought I would, but now I know for certain that I do.
I want it with my girl, when she’s ready.
When she’s my girl.
The trip to dinner isn’t that far but Sophia manages to fill me in on her day. I’d forgotten all about the leech of a woman at the school with her nasty daughter. Sophia tells me she keeps asking when I’m coming back to pick them up from school. She’s making Sophia feel uncomfortable. Mental note to speak to Zach about her. Nobody upsets our princess. What’s more disturbing is she asked yesterday for the name of Sophia’s dance school again. That bitch better not turn up in Zara’s classes. I won’t hold back if she upsets either of my girls.
Sophia then proceeds to tell me Miss Zara is going to be away next week as she’s going to audition for a big dance company.
“It’s a really big deal you know, Uncle Grant. I heard her tell Mommy that this was her dream since she was little like me. I want to be like Miss Zara when I grow up. I want to be a pretty ballerina. Miss Zara’s very pretty, isn’t she, Uncle Grant?”
“You’re so right, Soph. She is the most beautiful ballerina I know. Except for you of course, Princess.” I hear the little giggle from the back seat. At least I get to make one of my girls smile and laugh today.
When we arrive at Mulligan’s, Sophia sits patiently waiting for me to open her door. Just that little gesture makes me smile for the first time in a week. I feel needed. My little Sophia will always need me. God help the first boy she dates. Not only does he have to pass Zach’s approval, which he will be sweating bullets about, but then there’s my approval. He’ll have no idea that I will be ten times harder to impress. Sophia is precious to me.
