by Karen Deen
“What did the note say?”
As much as I love Emily, this is touching a raw nerve. I stand and pace to the window. I hesitate before giving her an answer.
In a low tone, I mutter, “I don’t know.”
“What do you mean?”
“I haven’t read it. I know it’s going to hurt too much. Fuck!! I am such an idiot. Why can’t I just walk away. See…this is why I never get attached. Why is the universe punishing me by letting me find her and then sending her away?”
“We don’t know she will get accepted into the company yet,” Emily whispers.
“Yeah, right. Have you seen her dance? Emily, she’s amazing.” The vision of the first night I stood watching her in the studio starts playing through my head. She’s born to dance. That’s her calling. That is where she needs to be. On stage, sharing her gift.
“Grant, you need to read that note. You have no idea what it actually says. If Zara took the time to write it, then the words are important to her and she desperately needs to tell you. She deserves to be heard. No matter how hard it is, you should respect her enough to let her be heard.”
“I just don’t want to hear that she doesn’t want me. Knowing it, and hearing it are two different things.” My head drops to look at the floor. I don’t want Emily to see how much this is tearing me apart.
“I’m going to say this the nicest possible way, because I love you like a brother. Man the fuck up, Grant!”
I nearly choke. I am not sure I’ve ever heard Emily swear. For her to say that to me, makes me take notice. On the inside, I’m also trying not to laugh. It did sound pretty funny.
“You show the world how tough you are. Now, show yourself. Whatever that letter does or doesn’t say won’t change the fact that Zara got on a plane to New York this morning and you are here, hurting. No words are going to make you feel any worse than you are already feeling.”
“Why, for such a little woman, are you so full of such wisdom? I’ll think about it. Thank you for caring.” I stand beside her and pull her up for a hug. Zach’s so lucky to have found Emily. What they share is a special, unbreakable bond. You only have to watch the way they look at each other.
I want my Emily.
I want Zara to be my Emily.
I want Zara.
“I can’t stay long. I’ve left Zach with the kids at the park. By now Sammy’s probably climbing trees, and Sophia will be standing under him telling him to get down because it’s too dangerous. Zach always tries to work out how he can catch Sammy if he falls, while protecting Soph from any man within a hundred-mile radius, all the while bouncing Thomas up and down in his arms to stop him from crying. Actually, I wish I could be there to film that.” We both start to laugh out loud at the vision she paints.
“He will definitely need rescuing and soon. You better get out of here.” I grab her hand. “Thanks, Emily. It really means a lot that you thought of me today. You’re a very special person, you know.” I grow a little embarrassed at my sappiness. “Now get out of here and go rescue my brother. Or better still, go and rescue my little princess from all those boys.”
She hugs me again before turning and heading out. Just as she’s about to close the door she stops and looks at me over her shoulder.
“Follow your heart, Grant. It will never lead you astray even if you think it will. Trust it. I did and look what it got me.” With a cute smile, she turns and is gone.
I sit down in my chair and lean my head back while staring out the window at the view. I try to focus again so I can get back to work. It’s proving difficult. All I can think of is Zara.
Where is she now? Has the audition finished? How did she do? Was she thinking of me?
If I sit here much longer, I’m going to go insane. Either that, or my bad mood will start raging again and my staff will be running for cover in all directions. If only Luke was here today, I would’ve been out of here by now.
I still don’t really understand where he’s gone or what was so urgent he just had to leave knowing Zach is still away. I’ll be drilling him when he returns. He frustrates the hell out of me most days. I just can’t seem to get him to take responsibility. He’s too busy mucking around and making a joke of everything. He needs to stop acting eighteen and grow up. He needs to step up while Zach is away instead of stepping out.
I bet he wouldn’t think of disappearing if Dad was still here. He would have clipped him around the back of the head and told him to get his ass to work and stop being ridiculous.
My office phone starts ringing, while a text message chimes on my cell. Emails are climbing the screen in front of me. I seriously don’t need this shit today. Just once, I would love to be like Luke and just walk away. Take time for myself.
That’s just not me.
I’m CEO of this business and head of the family.
It’s what I do. And it’s what I am good at.
It’s the only thing I know how to do and who to be.
Zara
Last night, Grant gave me the greatest gift. He will never understand how much I need him. The desperate need to be able to relax and sleep, he was able to give me. Running through my warm up, I feel how loose I am. My flexibility is back to normal. I feel free of all the weight that I’ve been carrying. Weight of my dreams, weight of Grant, and the weight of trying to just be me.
Still, in the back of my mind, I worry about him. I wonder what he felt when reading my letter. I thought maybe I would’ve heard from him but perhaps it’s better I don’t. Knowing him, he’s making sure my head is concentrating on what I need to achieve today. I need to finally block him out for the next few hours and do what I came for. This is it. No going back now.
I need to remember the dream. I’ve strived for this for so long. No matter what else happens, I need to walk away today, knowing I’ve given it my best shot. I can’t leave anything to doubt. For all the hurt Grant and I have been through, I need to make sure it was worth something.
Numbers start to be called for the first round. Holding my breath waiting to hear mine, I freeze. There it is. Number seven. It’s time. This is what years of pain and passion have come down to. Please universe, let me reach my end goal. It’s now or never. This is the last throw of the dice.
Walking into the room, I stand in line with the other waiting auditionees. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, focus and channel everything out. Opening my eyes, I know with every muscle in my body that I can do this.
I’m ready.
28
Grant
The afternoon turns to crap after Emily leaves. I appreciate her visit, but it means I took my eye off the ball, and now have scattered thoughts.
I spent the rest of my day sorting out other people’s crap, including problems that should have been Luke’s to sort. I don’t even realize the office is now completely empty. The only light on is mine. Looking at my computer, the clock reads nine o’clock. No wonder everyone has left.
It’s now I start feeling the effects from lack of sleep and emotional exhaustion. My body feels heavy. Time to drag myself home for food, shower, and a good strong scotch. Or maybe two or three. I need to drown away today. At least the scotch will help me sleep. Otherwise, I have a feeling I will be inspecting the bedroom ceiling all night again.
Takeaway Thai is the obvious choice tonight. It’s my go-to food when the world just seems to piss me off or I can’t be bothered thinking. As shitty as I’m feeling, I’m still hungry. No matter what’s happening I’m always hungry. None of this bullshit of being so upset you can’t eat.
As I push through the apartment door juggling dinner, my briefcase, and a few groceries I picked up on my way home, it hits me. Zara’s scent still lingers. It wraps itself around me as I walk in and drop everything on the table. The same table where her letter is glaring at me. I’m still not ready. I need food and a drink. Emily’s words are already going around in my head telling me to open it.
Food, I need food.
I stru
ggle to eat with the letter still sitting on the table. It takes my focus no matter what I do to avoid it. My cell breaks the silence. Who the fuck would message me at ten at night?
Only family, surely.
I wonder if there’s something wrong. Maybe it’s Emily checking on me. I reach out to grab it only to stop as I see the name. It feels like fire in my hands.
It reads Zara in big bold letters. No surname, just Zara. She doesn’t need anything else to get my attention.
There aren’t many visible words. Instinct takes over and I swipe my phone to see the full message.
Zara: I did it. I’ve been offered a position in the company.
Zara: I’ve finally reached my dream.
Zara: Losing my other dream in the process.
Shit. How do I reply to that? My heart breaks but part of me is so goddamn proud of her. I know one thing. I don’t have the right to take away her joy.
Grant: Congratulations, I am so proud and happy for you.
Grant: Live the dream you deserve and know the other dream will never die.
Grant: Good luck, Zara. Bye.
Moving on auto pilot, I pour too much scotch into my glass. Snatching the letter, I sink into my leather chair facing the skyline. Somewhere out there, my baby is starting a new life and it’s one that doesn’t include me. I still cling to the hope that she will find a place for me in that life. In my heart, I have to now accept that it just isn’t possible. It isn’t fair to Zara and it’s just not meant to be. The universe obviously has someone else in mind for her that isn’t me.
Draining half my glass, I pull my tie loose and undo the buttons on my dress shirt. I feel constricted. My shirt hangs messily over my black pants. In the middle of my lap sits the letter. It feels like a dead weight.
Is there any point in reading it now?
She isn’t staying. New York has claimed her. She’s leaving for an indefinite time, and no one, not even her, knows when she’ll return.
Music plays in the background. Normally it would be to relax me, but tonight, I can’t even tell you what’s playing.
Putting my head back, I swirl my scotch. I can still smell her, and Emily’s words keep repeating in my head
“You should respect her enough to let her be heard.”
Emily’s right. I can’t hurt any more than what I’m hurting right now. Pausing my thumb strokes over the paper, I try to imagine the words better than I’m sure they are. My heart cracks open. I flip the note open and read my goodbye letter.
My big, strong, gorgeous Grant,
I don’t know where to start or what to say. A month ago, my life was plain, boring and focused in one direction with no distractions.
You came storming into it the night Thomas was born. You have never left. You dominate my thoughts, actions and life. You never asked, you just took control of me. I fought you every step of the way. As you know, I was determined no man would ever hold me back from my dream.
What I failed to see was you never wanted to hold me back. Instead, you have done everything possible to keep my dream alive. Even if that meant putting yourself through hurt and pain. I am so sorry I didn’t see that until it was too late.
Last night you showed me how much you cared and what life would be like with you. Beneath that stubborn arrogance is the sweetest loving man I have ever met. You need to show that to the world more. I know you only ever share that with me and of course Sophia and the women in your family. But the world needs to know the true Grant Stevenson.
Since I was a young girl, to dance as part of the New York Dance Company has been my dream. It was my only dream until I met you. Now I want two dreams. I want to dance, but I want you, too. I know it’s not fair to ask you to wait for years as I go off and live my life, so I won’t do that. It won’t stop me from dreaming, though.
I couldn’t bear to say goodbye this morning. You did so much for me last night and I’m ready to take on the world today. Such a selfless but brave act. Yet, I’m again being a coward and running from you. I wish it could be another way, but I am just not strong enough.
No matter what happens today, I want you to know this.
Our short time together has made me feel more for you than any other man I’ve ever met. Through every bit of banter, I always knew you were it. I may end up living in another city and our paths may never cross again. If that’s the case, I know I will always regret not telling you how I really feel.
I love you, Grant, and I always will. My greatest wish in life is that you will be happy and find that perfect person who will love you like I do.
Don’t be stubborn, and smile occasionally. It will power up half of the city.
Be strong, don’t wait for me, move forward without me, and please be happy.
You have my love forever and always. Goodbye
Your Baby xoxoxo
Tears flow down my cheeks. I can’t hold back. No matter how strong I am, this has totally brought me to my knees.
The words of Keith Urban’s song ‘Tonight I wanna Cry’ glide through the apartment and it could not have been timelier.
His smooth voice drowns out the quiet sobs escaping my mouth. I continue to stare out the window, watching my world slip away.
Truer words could never be spoken. My only companion tonight is the glass of scotch that will take me to a point where I can no longer cry. The point where I can just be numb and stay that way. The tough arrogant man Zara described will be back tomorrow. That will be the only way to get through this.
But just like Keith’s song, ‘Tonight I wanna cry’ and that’s all there is to it.
Zara
Tears fall. On what should be the happiest night of my life, I feel my heart being ripped out. It lays on the floor, bleeding and in pieces.
Grant has done what I needed him to do. He said goodbye. Deep down, I thought he would push harder and fight for me. Fight for us. I thought he’d ignore me telling him to move on. But his reply told me the choice he’d made. He was hurt but he was letting go.
As I board the plane to head home, the hostess places her hand on my shoulder asking if I’m all right and need anything. In her other hand is a packet of tissues which she can see I need.
“Thank you, but the only thing I need is time. Time to move past the hurt.” She nods as if she knows exactly what I mean. I pull my seat strap tight and turn to the window while praying I end up without a person next to me tonight. I just can’t cope with it.
I don’t know how she managed it but the mom and child that were heading my way are offered a change of seats so the little boy could have a window seat, by the same hostess. They smile like they’ve won the lottery and she looks back and winks at me. I must look pretty bad for her to do that. She knows what a bad state I’m in just by one look.
I’d phoned my parents as soon as I found out I was accepted. Mom cried so many happy tears. Natalie and Xavier where next. Nat screamed down the phone at me. It’s like they had achieved this with me. Which to be honest, they have. Hours and hours of hard work, me complaining while they ignored me. They just kept pushing me anyway.
Honestly, the first person I wanted to tell was Grant. He should have been my go-to person with this news. But the sad part is, it wasn’t happy news for either of us. It just confirmed what we already know. The relationship we both desperately want was never meant to be.
We were never meant to be.
We are two souls that crossed in a universe. Crossing but only to continue on separate paths.
Why is life so cruel to give me one love at the expense of another.
Seeing the darkness from the window, it feels like looking into my heart. Just blank, dark and lonely.
I got my wish. I achieved my dream on my own without a man. Little did I realize, it was at the expense of my happiness.
It’s like I’ve sold my soul.
I close my eyes and let the tears keep silently falling. That’s all I can do. Tomorrow, my life will be full of organization for
moving to New York. I don’t have long before I need to be there for rehearsals. There will be no time for tears. Just like I’ve done before, I need to be strong.
Move forward.
Live the dream.
Well, one of them.
29
Zara
The morning brings puffy eyes, no sleep and a hell of a headache. The physical and emotional drain of yesterday has caught up with me. My feet hit the floor as I roll out of bed, but they just stay rooted to the floor. My body is not ready to start the day.
I have to be at the gym in twenty minutes. I promised Nat and Xavier a workout with them before they take me for breakfast. Afterwards, I start the craziness of sorting out the studio.
Crap. I just want to crawl back under the covers and hide.
The last warning alarm starts vibrating from my cell. This was the one I’ve named the ‘fucking hurry up alarm, or you will be punished’. Xavier has a rule if I’m late. It always means twenty more pushups than normal. It sucks on any day but today, there’s no way I’m doing extra pushups.
That gets my feet and ass moving. I get dressed quick smart.
“There she is,” Natalie screams while running across the gym. A few of the regulars all clap and cheer. No need to guess who has filled them in on my news.
It brings a smile to my face seeing her so happy for me. On the inside, I’m still sad and hurting, however no one needs to know that.
We stand in the middle of the gym hugging and jumping up and down. It actually feels good to enjoy being excited. I need to keep telling myself that I do deserve this. I deserve to be happy.
My morning workout is just what I need. This is a place I’ve stood many times and just focused on my journey. It’s still the same journey, I am just a little further along now.
I can do this. No matter what happens, if I don’t live every moment of this dream, I will always live to regret it.
