The Man's Guide to Weddings
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The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: Picking your wedding party.
Solution: Pick your best buds.
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Your wife’s shower
(Guys, don’t get all excited; this just means "your wife’s party.")
It’s inevitable that your wife’s friends are going to want to throw her a shower. This way they can celebrate her getting married and, at the same time, console her that she’s getting married to you.
Showers are mostly harmless. Other women shower your wife with gifts and wisdom about what married life will be like, usually over a light meal. It’s bonding time for them and free time for you. At least it used to be…. Back in the olden days (until around 1990), showers were decidedly "ladies only," which was cool. The guy (you) could just hang out and do whatever—catch the game, belch, scratch, spend some quality time with his buds, play poker, or just hang.
Modern times, however, have thrown us a wicked curve ball. Not only do we have good things like HDTV, pointless-but-addictive cell phone apps, a multitude of cable channels and more kinds of beer, we also have things like Lifetime Network and "coed bridal showers."
That’s right, "coed bridal showers." Which means, if your wife’s friends do decide to give her a coed shower, not only will you lose a day to yourself, you will also be forced to sit around and smile nice while you watch your wife open presents. Meanwhile, her friends will share their vast knowledge with both of you—mostly consisting of what jerks men are and how they don’t always obey. It’s not quite castration, but at times it might as well be (especially since it’s likely that there won’t even be beer).
So, what you’ll need to do is try to convince your fiancée’s friends or family (or whoever is throwing her the shower) that it will be much more fun for all of them if they keep it void of men. Remind them of things like:
• Men smell funny.
• Men burp a lot.
• Quiche and men aren’t a good mix. (See above options.)
• They’d have a lot more fun without men.
• They would feel less self-conscious and restricted talking about men without any actual men being around.
• It will cost a lot more if they invite you and other men, since men eat like pigs.
If the above strategies fail and for some unfathomable reason they still decide to have a coed shower, your options are limited. You can fake being sick, but this is a drastic move you may want to save for later in your married life to help you get out of something really heinous, like going to the opera or a trip to your in-laws.
The next option is to accept there is nothing you can do and simply go to the shower. Put on your best fake smile, nod your head, and plan to say "that’s lovely" a lot. Just keep your fingers crossed that the place has a TV so you and can sneak off to catch the game.
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The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: Your wife’s wedding shower
Solution: Avoid.
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Your bachelor party
You’re a guy. You know what a bachelor party is. This is where your friends throw themselves a party and pretend it’s about you. There will be food and lots to drink. Your friends may also have one or more women there who just can’t seem to keep their shirts on, and it’s quite possible your future wife won’t approve. Which means, you may be thinking, "Well, after this, I will be with one woman forever…so, what can it hurt? After all, I’m not married yet, right?"
Wrong. Remember, there is one golden rule at any bachelor party these days:
EVERYBODY HAS CAMERA PHONES SO DON’T DO ANYTHING STUPID THAT CAN COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU.
YOU DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOURSELF ON YOUTUBE IN THE MORNING!!
And for those of you still struggling with this concept, it means:
KEEP YOUR PANTS ON AND THE VIDEO CAMERA OFF!!
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The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: Your bachelor party.
Solution: Have fun but don’t do anything too stupid.
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Her bachelorette party
Acting stupid at bachelor parties used to be solely the domain of men, but that’s all changed, thanks to cultural adjustments and TV shows like "Jersey Shore" and "Desperate Housewives." This shift has made women realize that they are sexual beings too with the right to make fools of themselves before they become committed to just one man (with, hopefully, that one man being you).
But with that in mind, you should probably make a note to be extra nice to your fiancée in the days leading up to the party. If for nothing else, just to help remind her about what a great guy you are.
If it helps, you can also use handy phrases like:
• "Boy, I sure love you."
• "I’m so lucky to be getting married to you."
• "I hear most male strippers are gay...."
And while you may feel a tinge of fear as she loads into the limo with her gal pals, you can take comfort in the fact that women usually have more common sense than men. So, the chances are quite good your fiancée will just have a bit of fun, and maybe let loose a bit at the party, but in the end she’ll realize you are the only guy for her (even if the other women don’t put money in your "man thong").
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The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: Your bride-to-be’s bachelorette party.
Solution: Be a great guy leading up to the party. Then pray a lot.
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3 The Playbook
The place
Tradition says, "Couples are to get married in the bride’s hometown. "
Well, this is all nice and quaint, but with today’s mobile society a lot of brides aren’t really sure what to call their hometown. They may have been born in one town, raised in another, and then maybe moved to another town or two, so home probably happens to be wherever they happen to be at the time.
The best thing to do is to talk to your fiancée and find out where she wants to get married. If she has a set idea, like her hometown or the current town in which she is living, then it’s settled because this is where the tradition of getting married in the bride’s hometown comes in handy.
That’s the role of tradition plays; it allows us to accept some things without thinking. (You have enough to worry about; the less thinking you need to do the better.)
However, if your fiancée is not sure where she wants to get married, then she might ask you for input. If it happens, you need to be ready to do your part and make some suggestions.
If this is the case, it might help to review the handy reference chart on the next page to get an idea of your options:
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The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: Picking a place to get married.
Solution: If in doubt, get married in the same town you plan to call home. It just makes sense.
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The venue
Your fiancée has been planning for this moment since her first Barbie doll eloped with Ken behind the living room sofa, and as a result she probably has a solid opinion on this. And, as before, there are a lot more choices than you would think. Again, your job is to be supportive and toss out suggestions, mainly because it’s good to show your wife and her mother (and your mother) that you do have an opinion and like to be useful. Heck, you just want to get married and start having guilt-free sex. You’ll do whatever to make it so. You’d do it in a bar if you could (if you could get your fiancée to agree, that is). Just to make it easy, we’re including another chart that lists a few of the pros and cons of possible wedding venues.
Note: You could have the ceremony in one spot and the reception in another.
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The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: Picking a building to get married in.
Solution: If you are religious, pick a church that one of you attends. If not, you can’t beat City Hall.
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The cake
Okay, we know. You’ve been dealing with (and eating) cake for a long time—probably since your first birthday, when you gleefully threw your face into your birthday cake. Well, get ready. Your wedding cake will be like no cake you’ve ever experienced before.
Sure, eventually your new bride is going to follow tradition and shove a piece into your mouth, which you will then follow by shoving a piece into her mouth. This is all great fun, quite reminiscent of your first birthday, but the road to this fun is going to be lined with lots of decisions. And your fiancée certainly will not take your opinions about the cake as law, but she’ll at least listen to what you have to say. After all, eating cake is something you probably excel at; it’s a skill for which you have demonstrated your proficiency with in front of her on many occasions.
First off, you’ll have to decide who will bake the cake. This can be quite fun (and even more fattening) as you get to go from bakery to bakery sampling their wares (as in, eating lots of cake). Plus, to make things even more fun, your future bride will probably be dieting so she can fit into her wedding dress, therefore, you will get to do most (or at least more) of the sampling.
Although, while on your cake-seeking adventure, you’re again going to be amazed at the seemingly endless list of possible varieties and variables you will have to choose from, which may include, and certainly aren’t limited to:
Flavor
Yes, you may want chocolate, but tradition tends to lean towards vanilla, because it’s "pure" like your bride. (Stop laughing.) So, there’s a good chance you won’t get chocolate. But you will be amazed at the number of vanilla flavors there are. And while you may think they all taste the same, and they very well might, don’t ever say this out loud, especially in front of the "cake chef," or you are likely to get a spatula put some place you certainly don’t want a spatula put.
Filling
This runs the gamut from white to creamy white to all sorts of fruits and probably even some vegetable fillings. You’re a guy, you probably don’t care, but your fiancée might. To simplify, think of it as "art"—as in, you might not quite understand it, but you know what you like.
Frosting
Once again, you will be faced with way more choices than you would have thought possible, especially since your fiancée probably won’t let you pick chocolate. (If she does, then you are a lucky man who probably doesn’t deserve her.) Just know going in that you’ll probably end up picking "some shade of white or off white."
Layers
Wedding cakes need layers. Lots of them. It’s just how they are. The baker will quite likely have an estimate of how many layers of cake you will need to feed the number of guests you will have at your wedding. And, no, the calculation isn’t nearly as complicated as figuring out the amount of fuel a rocket will need to escape Earth’s atmosphere. It just seems that way. Just nod your head and agree with whatever the "cake chef" says. (Remember the spatula.)
Decorations
You’re probably familiar with how wedding cakes have fake little brides and grooms on top of them. This is to remind the folks who have come to your wedding that, yes, it is a wedding they are attending. (Apparently, seeing you and your bride dressed up isn’t enough for some people; they need the actual figurines on the wedding cakes, as well.) And there are probably more combinations of fake brides and grooms to put on your cake than actual brides and grooms in the world. Just don’t sweat it and you’ll be fine. In the big picture, nobody is going to remember what the bride and groom on the cake looked like (unless you can convince your bride-to-be to use a naked bride and groom, but odds are pretty slim you’ll be able to pull it off). (Note: Some people who have way too much money actually have their fake bride and groom cake ornaments made to look like them which, when you think about it, is kind of creepy.)
The bottom line is, despite all the fuss and muss, it is still just a cake. It’s going to be a blur when your wife shoves it into your mouth and nose anyhow. Remember, chew, swallow, then shove some (lovingly) down your wife’s throat and you’ll be fine. Whatever choices you make will be tasty and expensive. Your goal is to hope you can keep the cost of the cake (as with most other wedding expenditures) to around what you probably paid for your first car.
Hint: If her mother likes to bake, let her make the cake. Not only will it save some valuable money but it will make your future mother-in-law happy. A happy mother in-law means you have a happy bride and a happy bride means a happier, less hassled, you.
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The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: You need a cake for the wedding.
Solution: Order the cake. Eat the cake.
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The flowers
Okay, you’re a guy, the only thing you probably care about when it comes to flowers is, "How much are they going to cost?" However, you can’t say this to your future wife because she will think you are an "insensitive slug" and you really don’t want her finding that out until you are married for at least a month.
Your wife and her flower consultant (yes, there are such things) will tell you that you need flowers all over the place. Of course, you know your wife needs to carry a bouquet of flowers down the aisle. These flowers are fun for eventually your wife will toss them in the air and you’ll get to watch her single friends roll around on the floor and grapple for them. Hey, you’ll be married by then, but not dead…a good cat fight is a good cat fight. (You may even want to think about a weapons check at the door because these flower fights can sometimes get downright ugly.)
What you may not have known, and probably never thought of, is that you will (according to the consultant) also need flowers on the tables, at the wedding site, and lots of other places you never would have imagined flowers would be needed, seeing you are not a flower consultant. And as you are probably aware, there are a lot of types of flowers in the world, but you’ll be surprised to learn there are way (WAY!) more types of flowers than you thought possible. (Unless, of course, you are a flower consultant.)
Because of all the choices, you are probably going to be thinking: "Hey they’re just flowers. They look okay, but they’re going to die within days, if not hours. Let’s not spend our first few months mortgage on them."
Yet, once again, you have to make sure you never, ever even think of saying this out loud. Otherwise, you run the risk of your bride figuring out that you are an insensitive lout way sooner than you want her to. (Not to mention how it can make the flower consultant all pissy and we all know how ugly it can get when you piss off a flower consultant.)
In any case, your best bet is to nod your head and say things like:
• "Yes, those are nice."
• "Hmmm, I may be all man, but I still find these ones kind of pretty."
• "These have a nice color."
• "These smell nice."
• "Hey, those remind me of the new Lakers uniforms!"
And while you are saying all that, make sure you also check out the prices because your goal is to get the cheapest flowers possible. Why? Well, for one, they just are freaking flowers, after all. You don’t need to spend a year’s rent on something that will die in a day.
So, after the consultant tells you the price, if you think they are too expensive, which you will, just start to sniffle and sneeze a lot. Then say, "Jeez, honey, I must be allergic to these. I’d hate to ruin the wedding with my sneezing," because chances are your bride won’t want you sneezing throughout the wedding, much less getting her dress that she will never wear again dirty.
And, remember, even if somebody else is paying for the flowers, it can still come back to bite you. Honestly, you wouldn’t want your father-in-law to turn you down for a little loan five years down the road because he’s still paying for those special thornless, long-stem, golden roses you just had to have imported from Costa Rica for your wedding, now would you?
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The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: You need to buy flowers for the weddin
g.
Solution: Buy the cheapest ones. (Even if it means setting the florist up with your brother for a discount.)
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The dress
If she’s like most brides, you’re going to find out very quickly how you will have very little influence on the dress decision. In fact, absolutely none. For one thing, you are guy. You know nothing about dresses (but if you do happen to know a lot about dresses, then you should probably put down this book and wait for The Girly Man’s Guide to Weddings). For another, tradition says you’re not supposed to even see the dress until your bride walks down the aisle wearing it.
Regardless, your fiancée will still want feedback, so even though you can’t see the actual dress, you can and will see pictures of the dress, along with many, many, many other dresses. You may be aware there are magazines, web sites and catalogs devoted to wedding dresses, but you have no idea the number of magazines, web sites and catalogs devoted to wedding dresses.
And it’s amazing the amount of thought and money that will be put into something your wife-to-be will only wear once; however, you probably shouldn’t think about it—and you definitely shouldn’t mention it out loud. (And on an interesting note, if you were to fund a study, it would probably show that Everest could be climbed with less expense and effort than what is involved with dress shopping.)