If you’re lucky, your fiancée may want to follow family tradition and wear her mom’s wedding dress down the aisle. If so, this could save you enough money to extend your honeymoon a week or maybe two. Chances are, though, you’re not going to be that lucky.
So, the response strategies for the bridal dress are easy:
• Hope your fiancée decides on one that costs less than your first and second cars combined, or at least that the shoes she picks out won’t cost more than a nice motorcycle.
• Be proactive; it’s risky but potentially rewarding. Compliment your wife’s taste in dresses then give subtle hints how you two aren’t made of money and that you two have lots of other things to buy to start your lives together. (Good luck with this one.)
Note: When in doubt always say, "You look great in everything you wear." This will apply throughout your married life.
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: Your bride needs to buy a wedding gown.
Solution: Convince her she looks great in the least expensive one (unless her dad is buying it).
* * *
The tux
While you will spend much time and money on your fiancée’s gown, the reverse holds true for your tux. For some reason, it’s okay for the groom to simply rent their get-up, which just goes to prove you’re not much more than another accessory.
Still, your fiancée will want to make sure you are a snappy-looking accessory. And since you are a guy, you obviously wouldn’t know snappy-looking if it walked up, slapped you silly, then kicked you in the crotch. Therefore, your fiancée will probably insist on coming with you to the rental shop.
All in all, the process will be mostly harmless. You’ll go to the store and look at more tuxedos than you probably thought (or cared) existed, but no matter how long it takes, you will need to find one you like—and more importantly, one that your fiancée approves of.
A tailor will then tailor the tux to fit you. This is also painless, although it might seem as if the tailor is having way too much fun taking your measurements. (But, hey, tailors probably lead pretty boring lives and need to get their kicks anyway they can. You probably shouldn’t make too much of a fuss about it or the tailor might leave in a pin in a very inappropriate and painful spot.) However, in case your wife doesn’t come with you to the rental shop, here are a few things to definitely avoid:
• Pastels
• Ruffles
• Plaids
• Stars and stripes
• Camouflage
• Sports team and/or NASCAR-style logos
• Top hats and canes (unless she requests it)
• Shorts
• Sneakers or flip flops
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: You need a tux for the wedding.
Solution: Go to the local rent-a-tux-place and rent one. (For you look good in anything, right?)
* * *
The vows
Not all couples write their own vows, but it is becoming more and more common. So, while you may not have to write your own vows, it’s best to be prepared—but don’t worry, it’s not that hard. You don’t have to be William Shakespeare (he was a famous writer who wrote even more than Stephen King) to write a vow that will wow your bride. For motivation, remember a wowed bride will be happy a bride (and that should at least get you some good sex).
First off, there are a few things you should avoid:
• Don’t use a lot of sports metaphors. For instance, while "You mean more to me than a hole in one" is certainly an interesting metaphor, it’s not a good wedding vow metaphor unless you happen to be marrying a pro golfer.
• Don’t compare your bride to beer. Wine, maybe; but beer and most other alcoholic beverages, including margaritas and fuzzy navels, should be avoided. It’s just not a good idea unless your bride happens to be a lush or a member of the Miller family (in which case, congratulations are in order).
• Don’t compare your bride to past girlfriends. This just won’t work, except on the off chance your bride is a closet lesbian. But that comes with its own set of issues (refer to the forthcoming, Man’s Guide to Restoring Your Shattered Ego).
• Don’t compare her to, or even mention, your favorite TV show—unless it happens to be her favorite show and/or that’s how you met. For example, many couples have met over Star Trek (strange, but true), so in that case, "I love you more than Kirk loves Spock," for example, would be entirely appropriate.
• Never even think of mentioning "Jersey Shore." Heck, you shouldn’t think of this even if you’re Pauly D.
• Avoid clichés like: "My life started the moment I met you." "You light up my life." "The early bird catches the worm." "It’s always darkest before the dawn." "It’s not over until it’s over." Even though these clichés may be perfectly true, your bride is going to expect original thoughts. (Yep, brides can be demanding.)
Now, here are some tips to help you write good vows:
• Think about flowers. I know you’re a guy and you don’t usually think of flowers, but women like flowers. This is a mental exercise that will put you in the right frame of mind to write something your bride will like. You can even compare her to a beautiful flower as long as you can do it without being cliché.
• List your bride’s good traits—and mention them. (However, note if you consider one of her good traits to be her "huge jiggly breasts," you probably shouldn’t mention it.)
• Be modest. Let her know how lucky you feel that a chump like you landed a lady like her.
• Remind her she’s beautiful. Women might say they don’t need to hear this, but they do.
• Mention how much you love her—as many times as you can without being sappy.
• Keep each vow to around eighteen seconds—for eighteen seconds of verbal information is about the maximum amount humans can keep in their short-term memory.
When speaking your vows, say them clearly. You will also gain a lot of brownie points if you can get your eyes to water some. (If you need help doing this, and you will because you’re a guy, just think about the great set of golf clubs you could have bought with the money spent on the bridal gown.)
Note: After you write your vows, don’t forget to bring them to the wedding ceremony (just in case you can’t recall them when you’re at the altar). A good tip is to give a copy to your future father- or mother-in-law. It’s their little girl you’re marrying; they definitely won’t let you forget them.
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: You need to write wedding vows.
Solution: Sit at the computer (or grab a pen and paper for you old-fashioned types), think nice thoughts, and write vows.
* * *
The photographer
First off, hopefully, you have a friend who is a photographer, or at least handy with a camera. If not, then now would be a good time to befriend a photographer. Sure, most photographers might be a bit "different," but for what they charge to do a wedding, it’s worth your time to hang out with one for a while.
If you can’t (or won’t) befriend a photographer, then you’re going to have to hire one. Photographers can be difficult to work with, so your fiancée may assign this duty to you. (Plus, for some reason, photography is often thought of as a "man thing," like spitting and leaving the seat up. Probably goes back to when old-time cameras were big and bulky and difficult to drag around.)
We won’t go into the cost factor because pricing varies; yet, no matter where you live, you will pay far more than you would like to pay. (And while you wouldn’t think it’s all that hard to just ‘point and click,’ apparently, it’s a lot trickier—or at least a lot more expensive— than one originally thought.)
The process of selecting one is also pretty boring. You two will go from photographer to photographer and each will show you their "book" of other weddings they shot. (FYI: These people will all look alike, but nothing lik
e you.)
The photographers will also describe their options; hence, as you pretend to attentively listen, remember how hiring a photographer is a lot like buying a new car, except the photographer will cost a bit less and you only have them for a day.
Note: A cheap option is to leave disposable cameras on the tables at your reception and let the guests take pictures. Collect the cameras at the end of the event and develop the pictures. The greatest downside to this is that you might end up with a photo album full of cut-off heads…or worse.
Another Note: A cheaper option is to just ask everybody to use their cell phone cameras to take pictures and email them to you.
While there are a lot of good wedding photographers out there (face it, it’s not brain surgery—heck, it’s not even hemorrhoid surgery) there are still a lot of sham artists, so be careful when choosing one for your wedding.
Here are a few hints that may indicate whether a photographer is any good (or not):
• If their office is their car, avoid.
• If they don’t want to do pictures in color because it’s "just a fad," avoid.
• If they offer to use Photoshop to enhance your wife’s assets, probably should avoid.
• If they offer to take nude shots of your wife, avoid.
• If they offer to show you nudes of your wife, punch in the nose, then avoid.
• If they offer to take nudes of you, really avoid. (Unless of course they are willing to give you a really good price on the wedding pictures.)
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: You need to hire a photographer.
Solution: Befriend a photographer. Or hire one.
* * *
The videographer
Our parents only had to worry about photographers at their wedding; today, we have to also worry about videographers because, apparently, it’s not enough to just have still pictures that you will hardly ever look at. No, in this modern, fast-paced world you’ll also need a live-action video that you will pay just as much for (and look at even less).
Think about it. Other than "Field of Dreams" and "Tin Cup," how many movies do you watch over and over again? In truth, probably not many. In fact, even the best movies wear thin after you’ve seen them two or three times. Yet, despite the fact you will probably pay enough for your wedding video to fund a low-budget movie, yours is not going to be nearly as entertaining. Face it, there are only so many times you can watch "Star Wars" or "Avatar," or even that ground ball going through Buckner’s legs if you’re Mets fan, and even fewer times you can watch your drunken relatives stumble around dancing and giving you advice on marriage. Still, your wife and relatives are going to insist you need a video. (But, hey, maybe you’ll get lucky and capture a moment that will go viral on YouTube. You know, like you passing out at the altar or something along those lines....)
As for picking the videographer, most of the rules for a photographer also hold true. Obviously, the cheapest choice is to have a friend shoot the video. It may not be "professional quality," but with the money you save you’ll be able to buy something really useful, like a nice big grill or a pickup truck. And keep in mind that some photographers will only work with certain videographers so, if you want that photographer, you may have one less choice to make (which isn’t really a bad thing).
But, if you don’t have a friend who will do the dirty work, and/or your photographer doesn’t have a teammate, then all you have to do is ask other married friends, or at least friends who know married people, because friends are happy to offer suggestions. It makes them feel useful and that you owe them. Just follow the same "things to avoid" from the previous section and you will be fine.
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: You need a video of the wedding.
Solution: Give a video camera to a buddy and say, "follow us around." (Just make sure they stop before the honeymoon.)
* * *
The band / music
Picking the music for your wedding isn’t as easy as you’d think. (Are you sensing a pattern, yet?) But, luckily, it’s also not quite as complicated as other parts of the wedding because this is something you may at least be able to comprehend.
In general, the music is broken up into two parts:
• Music for the ceremony
• Music for the reception
Music for the ceremony is usually fairly traditional. This is good because once again it means less thinking on your part. There is the wedding march (the "here comes the bride song") and a few others that will probably be played at your wedding, either on an organ (a big fancy piano) or something similar. Don’t sweat it. It will sound fine.
Music for the reception, however, can be a bit trickier as there are many more possibilities, starting with who provides the tunes. So, here’s some options, from cheapest to probably most expensive:
• Bring your own CDs and MP3s and have your friends bring theirs to simply play at the wedding. Sure, this may not be the "coolest" way to do it, but it is inexpensive and practical.
• Hire a DJ to pay somebody for what your friends could do for free. The advantage to this method is you don’t have to inconvenience one or more of your buddies. Plus, the DJ should, in theory, have a larger selection than what’s on your iPod and better equipment, too—like speakers.
• Hire a band. Bands have the advantage that they are live, add a nice personal feel, and can insert energy into the party. But because bands are live, you can never be certain what you are getting. The singer could bite the head off a bat, for example, or the lead guitarist could set his instrument on fire. Or they could just stink. And CDs don’t have days off, take breaks, or have one (or two) too many while on break (which is where word of mouth—or ear—comes into play). If you know of a band that’s getting good reviews, then it may very well be worth the cost. Some bands also have demo tapes you can listen to.
• Some combination of 2 and 3, or hiring more than one band. This way you are sort of covered for all occasions—but it’s going to cost you.
One aspect you may have thought a little about is your song. Not "Your Song," but your song; the song that makes you and your bride think of each other when you hear it. A song that should have some sort of meaning for you both (which means Meatloaf’s "Bat Out of Hell" is probably out of the question).
For instance, one of the authors and his bride picked "Kiss the Girl" from the Little Mermaid (but he’s still macho—honest). The reason they picked the song was simple: the Little Mermaid movie was their first date and the first time they kissed. So, it was a natural choice. (They even named their son after the crab in the movie. It’s not only cute, but now it gives them something to taunt him with.)
And if it helps, the other author and his bride picked Kermit the Frog singing "Rainbow Connection." (They did not, however, name either of their sons after Muppets.)
Of course, overall, this is pretty much between you and your bride (you can bet she will have an opinion on this). As long as whatever you two choose has meaning to both of you, it will be fine so, with that in mind, here are some hints:
• Avoid the theme from Rocky
• Avoid beer jingles
• Avoid any song by 50 Cent
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: You need music for the wedding.
Solution: Ask around, listen to demo recordings, figure out what you can afford and go for it.
* * *
The meal
Finally, we’re talking about something you’re good at—eating. As with cake, you’ve been choosing and eating your own food for a long time and probably have it down by now; as a result, it’s very likely your fiancée will bow to your wisdom, or at the very least listen to your opinion. The thing to remember is, for this meal you are planning for a lot of other people. What might be great for you might not work out at all for a few hundred of your closest friends, especially when you are
footing the bill for all these fine folks.
In the past, wedding meals used to be simple, either some kind of chicken or some kind meat, or maybe a choice of either. Toss in a vegetable and a salad and you’re good to go. Today, it’s not that simple. Now you need a veggie choice for those who don’t eat meat, and with the growing popularity of low-carb diets, you may want to have a trendy low-carb choice. Plus, everybody always wants to outdo everybody else, or at the very least do something different with the food at their wedding. So, even if you go with some sort of chicken or some sort of meat, you will quickly learn there are many, many, many sorts of either. The choices can be mind-boggling, and that’s even before considering if it should be a sit-down dinner, with one or more courses, or a buffet, or something different (don’t ask what, but you can bet somebody will come up with something) .
To make this as easy as sinking a six-inch putt, we’ll cut through all the selection criteria and hyperbole and get to the two most important points in picking a wedding meal:
• Pick something you like to eat. Heck, it’s your wedding. It’s only natural. You’re a guy, you like to eat; it’s one of the few things in life you are really, really good at. Sure, your fiancée knows lots of stuff like what temperature chicken is done at and what fork to use, and where (and where not) to put your elbows, and when to belch—but you know how to eat! She has to give way to your level of expertise.
• Pick something affordable. Yes, lobster is great and it would make for a memorable meal, but lobster for a hundred and fifty guests can be a year’s mortgage.
The Man's Guide to Weddings Page 4
