Also take note that even if you are not paying, you should consider the feelings and pocketbooks of the people who are. After all, you may need a loan from them someday and you don’t want them saying, "Sorry, but the two tons of lobster we paid for at your wedding really put the pinch on our bank account..." Remember, people who pay for weddings have feelings and limited bank accounts also (unless you are marrying a Trump, Gates, Kardashian, or Hilton...but that comes with its own unique set of problems).
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: Picking the meal for the wedding.
Solution: Pick something you like to eat.
* * *
The seating
The peace talks to end World War II were probably pulled off with less stress than the seating arrangements for your wedding will be as your fiancée (and you) will not only have to worry about who sits at what table, but who sits with whom as well.
Considering the big picture, you (being a guy and fairly clueless) would naturally think this is minor stuff, and that people would just shrug it off and deal with it wherever they happen to be seated; however, you couldn’t be more wrong.
Seems there is some sort of unwritten family hierarchy that must be followed when placing people at tables and, apparently, the closer to the bride and groom’s table one is seated, the more prestigious a table is. Therefore, certain relatives and friends might be a bit peeved if they don’t get what they consider to be a "primo" table.
Another problem is that some people will want to sit next to certain people—and as far away from other certain people as possible. Once again, this could take the skills of a UN negotiator and a statistician to weigh through all the options and permutations.
For instance, say that crazy Uncle Bob wants to sit across from Aunt Sally and Aunt Amy, but he doesn’t want to see Uncle Sal. Uncle Sal doesn’t want to sit by Uncle Bob either but would like to be near the bar. Aunt Sally for her part likes to sit between Uncle Bob and Uncle Sal because she enjoys seeing them fight. While Aunt Amy wants nothing to do with either Bob or Sal, but winks a lot at Aunt Sally. Needless to say, it won’t be easy. And you probably won’t make everybody happy. But, whatever happens, just make sure that you and your bride are happy.
And, sometimes, there is even the urge in some to try to play matchmaker and make certain people sit near each other just because they might "hit it off...." For example, your bride thinks her friend Susie (you know, the one with the "great personality") and your cousin, Matt, would get along perfectly, so they should sit at the same table. You, of course, being the guy, realize Matt is a guy and that Matt doesn’t give three cents about personality. He would much rather sit by your wife’s hot friend Tatiana. What do you do? Well, if you like Matt a lot, you could always try to position him between the two girls and see how things shake out…. (Hey, just because you’re getting married doesn’t mean Matt can’t have some fun now, right?)
Anyway, the best solution is often just to let your fiancée handle it. Not because you are lazy or a coward but because she, being a woman, probably has a bit more finesse than you when it comes to this kind of stuff. Remember, women are naturally nurturing, while men are more into winning than mediating. Well, this is exactly the type of situation where you can’t win, so a mediator is called for.
(FYI, you could always have "open seating" for everyone who wasn’t in the wedding party. Call it "survival of the fittest" seating—hey, it could be entertaining to watch people jockey for position. Now, you probably won’t be able to convince your wife this is good, but if you catch her in the right mood you might get lucky....)
Note: If your family, or worse, both of your families, are beset by divorce, be aware your seating woes will be infinitely more difficult. If this is the case, you will be forced to just hope and pray a lot.
Your bride’s gift
You’d think that $5,000 engagement ring and you alone would be gift enough for your bride; however, in some cases it just doesn’t cut it. Some couples like to exchange gifts, either before, during, or right after the wedding. (Guess they think of it as another way to cement their love.)
Yet, with all the stuff you have to do planning and paying for a wedding, you really don’t need to be spending a whole lot of time and money planning and buying gifts for each other, too. Your wedding day will (probably) already be the happiest day of your life, so you should save the gift giving for a time when you could both use a little pick-me-up.
Still, you know your bride-to-be best (at least you should). Therefore, it’s up to you to decide if she’d be especially pleased with you buying her a wedding present.
So make note that if she says any of the following key phrases, it usually means you’d better start shopping:
• "You’re going to love what I bought you for the wedding." This translates to: "I hope I love what you bought me."
• "Oh, you don’t have to buy me anything for the wedding." This translates to: "Yes, you do," because this is a crafty way of saying something and meaning the exact opposite. This is something you’ll encounter over and over and over throughout your married life. (If you can’t understand it, at least learn to accept it.)
• "What do you want from me as your wedding gift? This translates to: "I’m buying you something so I expect the same."
• "You’d better buy me a nice wedding gift!" If this needs translating you are in big trouble. You’re way too dense to get married. Go buy a nice dog; it’ll love you no matter what.
If you must buy a gift, take these factors into account:
• Your financial situation. Don’t put yourself into debt unless your bride would really want you to —not over a gift anyway. A house you both pick out together, maybe. As a symbolic after-we-get-married gesture, think again.
• Your bride’s likes and dislikes. Remember, your bride is probably a woman and, therefore, has some different (and very specific) likes and dislikes. So, while you may consider an Xbox a great gift, she might not (unless she does really like Halo).
• It’s also probably not such a hot idea to buy clothing. Not only is it so "last century," most men usually have no idea what actually fits women. And the last thing you want to do is guess and be wrong.
• You can never go wrong with jewelry. Just ask the clerk at the counter of the jewelry store for help.
How to discover your bride’s likes and dislikes
(By the way, while you should already know some of the answers, it’s good to have confirmation, so you might want to actually ask her these questions then write down her answers for later reference.)
• What’s your favorite color?
• What’s your favorite kind of jewelry?
• What’s your birthstone?
• What’s your favorite kind of music?
• What’s your favorite show?
• What’s your favorite season?
• What’s your favorite city?
• What’s your favorite food?
• What’s your favorite pet?
• What’s your favorite drink?
• Are you allergic to anything?
• Is there anything you absolutely don’t like?
Q. A groom who is marrying you should spend _________ on a wedding gift for you, his bride: A) 0$ - $25; B) $26 - $50; C) $100 to $500; or D) More than $1,000?
.
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
(on how to buy a gift for your bride)
The good way:
"This is probably a stupid question," David says to the jewelry store clerk. "But those earrings weren’t made with peanut oil, right? Great, I’ll take ‘em."
The not-so-good way:
"I’d like one $50 gas card, please. Do you have any brooms?"
* * *
Your wedding party’s gift
It’s traditional to buy gifts for the members of your wedding party. These mementoes give them something to remember your wedding by (in
case they get drunk and can’t remember anything else). Yet, unless you own Microsoft, a fancy hotel, or host a reality show, they don’t have to be big gifts—more like tokens of your appreciation. Standard gifts are things like mugs, pens, cuff links, and other random little items. There are even websites that specialize in, or at least sell, individualized wedding trinkets, so you don’t even have to leave the house. (Aren’t modern times wonderful? Poor cavemen grooms probably had to go out and kill then skin their presents.)
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
(on how to buy gifts for your bridal party)
The good way:
"I know it’s not much, guys, but I hope these engraved corkscrews remind you of the role you’ve played in the most important celebration of our lives."
The not-so-good way:
"Rolexes for everybody!"
* * *
Your honeymoon
If you are planning a honeymoon for right after your wedding, you and your bride should probably have the spot picked out at least a month or two in advance. This probably won’t be that tough, as there are some brides who have known where they wanted to honeymoon since they were five. (If your bride is one of these types, don’t try to fight it. You can’t win. Just go where she wants.)
But, if your bride is open to suggestions, any of the traditional kind of places like those listed below will work fine. Just use this handy reference table for a list of pros and notes. (In essence, there aren’t any cons to a honeymoon location because you will be "on your honeymoon" and no matter what you do, it’ll be fun.)
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
(on how to pick a honeymoon spot)
The good way:
"Aloha!"
The not-so-good way:
"Four score and seven years ago…"
* * *
Wedding planners
The wedding planner is another phenomenon of modern times. Seeing how planning for a wedding can be a royal pain in the butt, of course somebody found a way to profit from of it. Yet, wedding planners have the advantage in taking some of the searching and thinking (and worrying) away from your bride and you.
However, wedding planners have the disadvantage in that they are yet another thing to pay for. Plus, some wedding planners can be as hard to deal with as in-laws. Others may even think they are more essential to the wedding than say, you.
Still, if the wedding planning is turning out to be even worse than you expected, and you have some extra cash, you may want to consider this option. After all, dealing with a bitchy wedding planner for a few weeks is a LOT better than dealing with a bitchy future wife for the next forty-plus years.
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: Should you hire a wedding planner?
Solution: If you are rich and/or incredibly dense then, yes. (And absolutely if it’s what the bride wants....)
* * *
4 Get Your Game Face On
Cold feet
At some time during this entire process you are going to find yourself wondering if you are doing the right thing. Your thought process may even resemble the following:
• "Oh, my God. Oh, my God!!!"
• "What the hell am I going?"
• "I’m committing to one person for the rest of my life!"
• "Do I want to be with one person for the rest of my life?"
• "What if she decides she doesn’t want to be with me?"
• "I mean, hell, I’m a great guy, but I’ve been told I have one or two teeny tiny flaws. Those might get on her nerves after a while. Then what?"
• "Sleeping with one woman—forever!! What if she gets fat?"
• "What if I get fat?"
• "Oh, man, I gotta call it off. I wonder if we’ll get our money back on the rings?"
• "Oh, man, she’ll hate me."
• "Is love really forever? I thought I’d love my first car forever, but when I got my second car, I forgot about my first car. Why the hell am I thinking about cars?"
• "Oh, my God! Oh, my God!! Oh, my God!!!"
Usually you will have these thoughts late at night or when you’re stuck in traffic or any time you have too much time on your hands. But don’t worry; these thoughts are perfectly normal. Almost everybody (yes, even your fiancée) has them. It stems from the idea that while change may be good, change isn’t always easy. You’ve probably been single and able to come and go as you please for most of your adult life—and now that’s going to change. But hard as it may be to believe from time to time, it is a change for the better. You’re going from a "you" to a "we." From the moment you say those vows, you’ll have a partner in life. Somebody to pick you up when you are down and to let you know when you screw up. Life will be better—not perfect, but better. Just remember that and you’ll be fine. However, even with that said, there are a few cold feet-type thoughts you may want to pay attention to, such as:
• "Oh, my God! I’m going to miss ‘Glee’ for this!"
• "Damn, that bridesmaid is hot! I wonder what’s she’s up to tomorrow night?"
• "Maybe we can get married and I can still date other chicks…?"
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: How do I deal with cold feet?
Solution: Everybody gets them from time to time. Take a few breaths; it will pass.
* * *
Fighting
Every couple fights. Even the famous ones—Romeo and Juliet, Sonny and Cher, Jay Z and Beyonce—fight. Even during times of low stress people tend to fight. So, it’s inevitable that on occasion two people who have one goal in mind but different objectives on how to reach the goal will fight. Or that two people may hold conflicting views over the limited resources needed to reach their goals. Or two people may have totally distinct goals. Heck, two people may just get off on fighting because they like fighting.
The thing is, all couples fight. And with the stress of the wedding, there will be times when you are going to argue. She’s going to get on your nerves and, believe it or not, you might even get on hers. It’s bound to happen, but as long as it’s not something you are doing all the time, it might actually be a good way to get stuff off both your chests (and can actually be exhilarating for some couples).
Therefore, if there’s something really eating at you, or if you just plain feel like fighting for a bit (for we all know make-up sex can be great), then prepare to argue. Don’t go off the deep end too far or she might not throw you a lifesaver, but do state your point clearly and make your case by supporting your point with as many facts (or pseudo-facts) as you can. But remember to be flexible. Flexibility and opposable thumbs are what separates us from the animals. It also doesn’t hurt to tell your fiancée your feelings. Yes, like it or not, you do have some feelings. No, you don’t have to get all mushy or anything, but women like to know how men feel. So, in this case, feelings are good. It shows you have a sensitive side. Plus, nobody likes to hurt the feelings of somebody they love.
But if you do fight, bear in mind there is no reason (or excuse) to be insulting. If you stoop to that level, you’d probably lose an insult battle anyhow. (Be honest, you have a lot more flaws than she does.) Also, there’s never a reason to get physical (hey, you’ll get hurt too—women naturally fight dirty and have a higher threshold for pain).
It also pays to take into account that men and women are different. Yes, you’re going to be married soon, so you’ll need to know this stuff now, even if you’re already thinking, "I know women are different! My wife has great boobs and I don’t! Plus, I have something she doesn’t!" But these differences are more than just physical. You have to understand that women’s brains are literally wired differently, and they have different levels of hormones then men. This means they both think and act differently, which is important because this means that both men and woman will have different arguing and problem-solving styles.
Think abou
t it: Women are gatherers. They are built on cooperation—working together toward a common goal. Plus, women are the traditional child bearers, so they are typically more nurturing. But, push them hard enough and they can be neutering (which is something you don’t want them to even think about). Women, being who they are as women, usually like to work together to find solutions (preferably one that gels with their original idea, of course).
Men, however, are wired mentally and hormonally to be "hunters." Back a few million years ago, we needed to hunt down our dinner to survive. We haven’t really evolved much over the last few million years and that means we still tend toward the more aggressive side. You’ve probably noticed we’ll compete over anything. Who can spit farther. Who can belch louder. You name it; we’ll make a competition out of it. This competitive side may play a role while we compete for mates, but you’re getting married now so the competitive side needs to be reined in (at least when dealing with your fiancée).
It also doesn’t help that men like to win, which is all fine and dandy when you are hunting down a saber-toothed tiger for dinner but, the thing is, we no longer need to hunt down our dinner for our survival. We have pizza delivery people to do it for us.
So, while we are still wired to be hunters like our ancestors, the times have changed, yet our brains haven’t caught up with the times. (Which is why we have sports to help us unleash some of that competitive energy on somebody we don’t have to live with for the rest of our lives.)
The Man's Guide to Weddings Page 5
