So, you need to remember that while competition is good, marriage isn’t a sport. Your bride-to-be is your partner, your mate, even your teammate—but not your competition.
This means when you argue, you keep an open mind and fight fair. You remind yourself that every argument has two sides and, as right as you may think you are, surely there is some merit in what your fiancée has to say. Look for the merit. Find a common-ground solution that works for you both. If you do that, then more than likely you both will win.
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: You’re going to fight about the wedding.
Solution: Be flexible, look for common ground, and remember make-up sex can be great.
* * *
Stress
Your wedding day is meant to be one of the happiest days of your life, if not the happiest. (Yes, even happier than the time you scored that winning touchdown.) Therefore, planning for it is going to be very stressful, and your fiancée (thus, you) will have a lot to plan for and worry about. The list can be long and includes, but is certainly not limited to:
• Finding the right gown. (Your bride will probably/hopefully be more worried about this than you.)
• What if my tux doesn’t fit?
• What if I forget to invite my mother?
• What if I accidentally invite Lex Luthor?
• Are the invitations the right color and font?
• Will I offend anybody by not having them in the wedding party?
• Will anybody I pick for the wedding party offend anybody else?
• What if the meal isn’t good or the meat is tainted?
• What if the priest/reverend/preacher/justice of the peace/boat captain gets sick or changes careers and can’t make it?
• What if the place where we’re holding the reception gets destroyed by a flood, meteor strike, or other act of God?
• What if my feet stink?
• What if my in-laws turn out to be even more giant pains in the butt than I thought?
• Am I doing the right thing?
• What if the band’s lead singer gets wasted and hits on my mother in-law?
• What if my mother in-law gets wasted and hits on the band’s lead singer, or worse yet, the drummer?
• What if it rains/snows (yes, even in June) or is too sunny?
Basically, the point is, if it can be worried about, chances are very good your fiancée—therefore, you—will worry about it. And once you’re married, things won’t be quite the same again, which only adds to the pressure and stress of making sure this whole shindig goes off without a hitch. Still, you can handle it. You have to remember most of the pressure is "made up pressure." No lives are hanging in the balance. You are not landing a plane without any landing gear. You’re not storming the beach at Normandy. You’re not up in the bottom of the ninth in Game 7 of the World Series with two outs, two strikes, a man on third, and your team down two runs.
Murphy’s Law states: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. This is especially applicable during wedding times. It just is. So, the only way to fight this is to not fight it. You just have to go with Zakour/Schading law, which states: Don’t worry, it will work out.
Okay, it’s not really a law. But Murphy’s Law isn’t really a law either. The key is not to sweat the little things too much. Of course, this is much easier said than done, but just remember this simple mantra: No matter what goes wrong, we will still get married and people will still enjoy themselves at the wedding.
Sure, the statement’s not all that catchy, but it drives the point across of how the silly little details of planning a wedding sometimes get in the way of the bigger picture. Your wedding should just be a time for your fiancée and you and some of your friends and family to get together so you and your fiancée can commit to each other. All the other things are nice, but they’re not really all that important in the long run. So don’t sweat it. Things will work out.
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
(on how to handle the stress)
The good way:
"There’s no sense in worrying about what we can’t control," David says as he takes another sip of Inner Peace herbal tea.
The wrong way:
"Oh, my God!" Melvin screams as he prepares to throw up. "The gardenias don’t match my cummerbund! They’re like, three shades off! Why is everything crumbling down around us? Why?!"
* * *
What to say (a lot)
During all stages of the wedding, things might get—as noted often so it will sink in—stressful. This stress will range from anywhere from a little to a lot. Once again, it’s important to remain calm and not to say anything stupid. (Of course, this might not be easy for you for sometimes we guys just don’t know what is stupid and what isn’t.) To help, here is a list of phrases to use when things get tight:
• "I love you so much."
• "I don’t deserve you. "
• "Let me know how I can help."
• "Let’s have sex." (It’s worth a shot.)
• "It looks like you could use some shopping time."
• "Things are going to work out just fine."
• "I’m so glad you are a part of my life."
• "Let’s have kinky sex." (It’s still worth a shot.)
• "Let’s go out and have a nice romantic dinner."
• "You are so beautiful."
• "You are so smart."
• "You are so hot."
• "Have you lost weight?"
• "Our love is the important thing."
• "Let me cook (or order) dinner."
• "Need a foot rub?"
• "It will be beautiful."
But, before using any of these, just make sure you listen carefully (or at least more than usual) to avoid saying it out of context.
What not to say
While planning the wedding, things will be tense from time to time (okay, most of the time)—yet, don’t make things worse; try to avoid saying any of the following phrases:
• "Quiet, the game is on!"
• "My mother says you should…."
• "Let’s go to Hooters for lunch."
• "Let’s have the rehearsal dinner at Hooters."
• "Yesterday, at Hooters…."
• "Have you ever considered breast implants?"
• "Are you gaining weight?"
• "You know your mom’s a bitch."
• "Is it that time of the month again?"
• "Boy, your dad is an ass."
• "That’s a bad day to get married, I have a bowling match."
• "No! Not that day! There’s an Adam Sandler marathon on!"
• "Do my feet smell as bad as I think they do?"
• "You’re wearing white?"
• "How many of my old girlfriends can I invite?"
The in-laws
Sure, you’re a great guy, but don’t be surprised if your in-laws have trouble warming up to you—after all, as much as their daughter may have been a pain in their collective butts when growing up, she is still their daughter and the light of their lives. There’s just no way you’re going to be good enough for their little girl.
Of course, your father-in-law is going to have a hard time with you. Why? Because you are, or will be, the man sleeping with his daughter. Hey, all fathers want to believe their daughters are virgins, even after they’ve given birth to their fifth kid. It’s just how fathers are. You’ll have to deal with it. Just smile and nod a lot and say, "Yes, sir." Hopefully, he’s not too much bigger than you are and you can eventually bond (to the point where he considers you still not worthy of his daughter but higher than say, pond scum) over common points of reference like sports and beer. (Steer clear of talking about women.)
The mother-in-law is a different creature, seeing that your fiancée probably drove her crazy growing up and now it’s payback time. Her daughter is getting married, which means if all goes acco
rding to her plans, she’ll soon be a grandma (a young and vital grandma). This means she can’t really take out her frustration on her childbearing daughter, so she will in turn take it out on the next best thing—you. Hopefully, again, she’s not too much bigger than you are and you can find some sort of common point to bond over.
Brothers-in-law are a different type of creature altogether. There are the over-protective types who believe, "You’re not nearly good enough for our sister." Then they will take every opportunity to pound you into the ground during any family sporting event. (You’d better hope you are either faster, smarter or bigger.) And don’t worry, after a few years of taking their pounding, they will probably grow to accept you (or simply tire of you) and pound on you less.
Then there is the opposite extreme, brothers-in-law who care nothing about their sister. Usually these guys just care either about what you can do for them (for example, drywall) or how your coming into the family will inconvenience them. If you just ignore them, or treat them as mostly harmless, they will eventually leave you alone.
Sisters-in-law are another story. They come in all shapes and sizes. There are even the "just plain evil ones" who enjoy causing trouble. They may flirt with you, just for kicks, as a test of your faithfulness. If you don’t play their game, they will tire of you too (heck, you’re really not that great) and move on to somebody new to taunt.
Then there are the "jealous ones." These would be the sisters who believe your fiancée is the spoiled one and gets all the good stuff, while they get the leftovers and hand-me-downs. It doesn’t matter if what they believe is true or not; they’re going to think it’s true so that’s all that matters. The good things about these types of sisters-in-law is they usually take out most of their aggression (be it passive or true aggression) on your fiancée. Your job is to be supportive of your fiancée while also trying to not totally alienate the sister-in-law. Say stuff like, "Your feelings are valid…" and you should be okay.
Next there is the "know-it-all" sister-in-law. She is either older than your wife or just thinks she’s older due to "life experiences." These are the ones who are experts in everything. They also feel you’re a man so you can’t know all that much. These women may mean well, but they can be gigantic pains in the butt. If this is yours, simply nod your head a lot and say, "Ah, I see."
Finally, there is the "bitter unmarried" sister-in-law type. She may be divorced, she may be gay, she may have never found "the right guy," but whatever the reason, she is alone and you’re not surprised. She’s the type who can suck the energy out of a room like a vampire—and for all you know, she may very well be one. Your best bet is to give her a lot of space.
It’s possible to find a brother- or sister-in-law to be no trouble, but it’s not that probable, and certainly not as much fun to write about.
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
(on how to handle your mother-in-law)
The good way:
Oh man, thinks David, just look at her mother stare at me. It’s like I just killed someone. I know what she’s really thinking, though: "You’re having sex with my daughter. And if you’re not, you soon will be."
"Mrs. Parker," he says. "I can’t tell you how happy I am with Courtney. I honestly can’t wait to start our lives together...."
The not-so-good way:
Oh man, thinks Melvin, just look at her mother stare at me. It’s like I just killed someone. I know what she’s really thinking, though: "You’re having sex with my daughter. And if you’re not, you soon will be."
"Mrs. Peterson, I can tell you’re uncomfortable because you think I’m having red hot sweaty monkey sex with your daughter," Melvin says.
Mrs. Peterson’s jaw falls slack.
"But I just want to assure you I am not, in fact, having red hot sweaty monkey SEX with your daughter," says Melvin. "Although…I certainly hope to do just that after we are properly married!"
Regardless of what they’re actually doing, he thinks he’s telling the old bird exactly what she wants to hear…well, more or less, anyway.
The just plain terrible way:
Oh man, thinks Melvin, just look at her mother stare at me. It’s like I just killed someone. I know what she’s really thinking, though: "You’re having sex with my daughter. And if you’re not, you soon will be."
"Mrs. Peterson, I had no idea your daughter was such sex kitten." Melvin says. "You wouldn’t believe what she asked me to do just before we came over here…."
* * *
Your parents
While your fiancée’s parents are naturally going to think you’re not good enough for her, your parents won’t be quite so predictable. Fathers of the groom (for the most part) are just going to be happy their sons are getting married because this shows you’re (probably) not gay, therefore, they did their job raising you. And a few dads may even try to hit on your fiancée, but this is usually nothing to worry about. It’s just your dad trying to gain back a bit of his youth through you. (Think of it as a compliment.)
However, moms are more unpredictable. For instance, some might be shocked that anybody would marry you; although, they’ll be happy somebody so much more civilized than you would have you. Others are the old "Everybody Loves Raymond" type of moms (look it up it if you don’t know). They will look at your wife as just a substitute for her—a pale, almost transparent substitute, at best. These types of moms can drive your bride crazy as they will make it clear to her (either passively or obviously) that her only purpose and worth in life is to bear your children—and her grandchildren.
Still, none of this matters all that much to you because they are your parents. You’ve known them all your life and you are used to their little idiosyncrasies. However, just remember, while you may be used to them, your wife isn’t. Plus, when you think about it, your sweet dear mom is her "evil mother-in-law...."
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
(on how to deal with your parents)
The good way (well, the best you can hope for):
"David, your mother’s so sweet," says Courtney. "She just called and said she totally supports our decision not to invite her cousins to the wedding because we’re trying to keep the guest list down."
"She said what?" David clicks off the TV and drops the remote. "This is important, honey—did she mention anything, anything about never being forgiven by her own flesh and blood? No? Then how about dying alone in a nursing home? Yes?! Oh man, we’re in trouble now...."
The not-so-good way:
"Melvin, your mother just called and said she’s not at all concerned about the seating arrangements and wouldn’t even care if she ended up next to your father," says Shanice.
"Terrific!" says Melvin. "I’ve been a little concerned those two might have some trouble even being in the same city together. I mean, it’s been more than twenty years. Did I ever tell you the story about my kindergarten graduation? Boy, I didn’t think the paramedics would ever get there…."
* * *
Your unmarried guy friends
Now that you are getting married, your unmarried guy friends are either going to be envious of you, pity you, or be stuck somewhere in between. The other interesting phenomenon is that they will all give you advice on marriage.
Yes, apparently some of your unmarried friends believe the fact that no woman has taken them makes them an expert on marriage. Therefore, they must share their wisdom with you. This can be related to going to a doctor who has never performed a vasectomy and having them perform a vasectomy—on you. Sure, it could work out, but wouldn’t you feel better having the operation done by somebody who has successfully performed a vasectomy—or seventy? Of course you would.
So, go ahead, listen to your unmarried guy friends drone on about how marriage should be, but don’t pay too much attention to it. Remember, your unmarried friends are more likely than not to be unmarried because most women probably find them repulsive, so don’t put too much stock in anythi
ng they say about women (unless, of course, your unmarried guy friends are gay, in which case you should pay very close attention).
Plus, be aware that your unmarried friends may also try to get you to go out and party with them. Sure, you can do this, but be smart about it, and don’t let them talk you into doing anything stupid. Remember, if these guys were actually as bright as they thought they were they would have all married rich babes by now.
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
(on how to deal with your unmarried guy friends)
The good way:
"The knot I’m tying is really a noose? Sure, whatever," says David. "And, by the way, I think I’ll pass on the all-night drinking tour. I already know how those things can end up."
The not-so-good way:
As the mini-bus pulls away from the third of twelve stops for their all-night drinking tour, Melvin’s buddies razz the newlywed-in-waiting. After the 300th joke, Melvin begins to see a pattern. "So, what you’re telling me is the knot I’m tying is really a noose?" Melvin asks. "Jeez, I guess I never thought about it that way. You know, thank God I’ve got friends like you…."
* * *
Your married guy friends
(Remember them? The ones you haven’t seen since their wedding days?)
Your married guy friends are going to welcome you to the club for soon you will be one of them. You share a bond, a knowledge, a trust. It’s kind of like being in a frat, but without the secret handshakes and stuff. Your married guy friends will also feel it is their duty to impart their wisdom on you. The catch is not all your married friends are happy with their marriages. Some may even be downright depressed and, therefore, depressing. The trick is to figure out which buddies those are, for the ones who seem happy may not really be, and those who don’t seem too happy might actually be.
The Man's Guide to Weddings Page 6
