There is an example of two couples who were married about the same time. One couple always appeared to be fighting; the other was always all lovey-dovey. Notice the word was.
As it turned out, the latter couple is now no longer a couple, while the former is still hanging in there. Remember, not all marriages are created equal and what works for one couple may not work for you. Heck, that’s why marriage counselors exist and make all sorts of money.
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
(on how to deal with your married guy friends)
The good way:
"Listen, man, you’re going to fight. You’re going to bicker. Get used to it. Remember, you’re both human. You both make mistakes. As long as there are more good times than bad, you’re going to be okay," says Kyle, David’s friend since kindergarten, and well into his third year of marriage, something of an expert on the ups and downs of the blessed union.
David takes the conversation to heart but keeps in mind that for every relationship there are different problems—and different solutions....
The not-so-good way:
"Listen, when she gets angry, just go watch TV. Granted, it will make her angrier, but by then you can consider yourself winning the argument. And, remember, when she yells at you for keeping score, don’t forget to point out who’s winning."
Melvin is always grateful when Big Dan offers advice, for with three marriages under his belt at the ripe old age of 34, it must mean Dan is something of an expert.
"Dan-O, my man," says Melvin. "Why those chicks didn’t appreciate you, I’ll never know…."
* * *
Your ex-girlfriends
This is the easiest section in the book to write. Some old girlfriends, who never used to hold any interest, will suddenly find you extremely attractive now that somebody else wants you. Dealing with them is easy—don’t. Avoid them at all costs. Nothing good, besides a slight ego boost, can come of it. As for inviting ex-girlfriends to your wedding, you can do it—but you can also play Russian roulette with a loaded gun, and neither is a good idea.
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
(on how to deal with an ex-girlfriend)
The good way:
"Hi, David, it’s Jennifer."
The voice on the other end is disturbingly familiar. "Jealous Jennifer" has reared that proverbial "ugly head" of hers once again.
Of course, in strictly physical terms, the word ugly has never been used to describe Jennifer "Too Hot" Hemminger.
"Just thought I’d say hi," she purrs. "I heard you’re getting married—how exciting! I still say you should have married me, though. Especially since you know how good I look on the beach."
David is speechless. She had dumped him because of her suspicions about him seeing another woman on the side. Granted, he was—but that woman was his mother, and she was in the hospital at the time.
"I’m sorry, I have to go," David says. "My mother’s the hospital again. And she’s gonna be there a while!"
The not-so-good way:
"Hi, Melvin, it’s Jessica."
The voice on the other end is disturbingly familiar. "Jealous Jessica" has reared her proverbial "ugly head" once again. Of course, in strictly physical terms, the word ugly has never been used to describe Jessica "Too Hot" Johnson.
"Just thought I’d say hi," she purrs. "I heard you’re getting married—how exciting! I still say you should have married me, though. Especially since you know how good I look on the beach."
"Hot damn!" Melvin yells. "Shanice, I’m gonna need that ring back...!"
* * *
5 The Big Game
The rehearsal
A day or two before the wedding, you may be asked to rehearse. This is going to be like the real wedding, but without the pomp and circumstance and uncomfortable clothing. This is a usually a painless procedure and may actually be fun because you will get to play a groom before you actually become a groom.
First, you’ll probably meet with the person who will be performing the wedding. They will then explain your duties to you, which includes things like:
• You stand there.
• You give your bride a ring.
• You say "I do" and maybe a few other words.
• You smile a lot.
Nothing you can’t handle; especially since, during the rehearsal, there’s no real pressure on you. (It’s kind of like how hitting a home run is a lot easier in batting practice than in a game.)
During rehearsal you may also do things like:
• Go over the music they will play. By "go over" the music, we mean shake your head and agree with whatever the music person and your bride-to-be say.
• Watch carefully and lovingly as your wife practices walking down the aisle.
• Look around and nod knowingly as your bride and other people position the members of the wedding party in their proper places.
• Hang out and exchange jokes with the ring bearer. (He’ll probably be somewhere from five to eight years old, so you should get along just fine, but it’d be wise to avoid any jokes or limericks that start with: There once was a farmer from Pawtucket….)
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: How do I handle the rehearsal?
Solution: Just show up, dummy. This is a rehearsal, so everybody will point in you in the right direction and show you what to do.
* * *
The rehearsal dinner
Rehearsal dinners are typically held the night before the wedding, immediately following the wedding rehearsal. This is for the friends and family who came to town for the wedding and/or are in the wedding party and is meant to be a time to unwind and enjoy.
Hopefully, it will be relaxing, but don’t be surprised if something not so relaxing happens—after all, your family will be there and your family is weird. Plus, your fiancée’s family will be there too and you’ll quickly learn your family isn’t the only weird one because while families may love each other, they don’t always like each other, so there are bound to be clashes of tempers and temperaments. (For instance, Uncle Bob doesn’t like Uncle Sal. Or maybe Uncle Bob likes Uncle Sal’s wife, Aunt Sally, a little too much. Or maybe Uncle Bob likes Uncle Sal’s daughter Suzie a bit too much....)
On the friend front, the rehearsal dinner is customarily the time when the unmarried bridal (and groom) party members start to pair up. Nothing makes a single girl more anxious than a wedding. And your single friends (being the dogs they are) will try to take advantage of this—which can get especially interesting if the bridal party has one especially hot member.
All in all, things could get ugly or interesting. It all depends on your point of view. Your best bet is to remember this is why we have rehearsal dinners so we can get these things in the open before the wedding. Just let it roll.
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
Problem: How do you get through the rehearsal dinner?
Solution: Put all of the relatives you know don’t like each other at the same table just for fun.
* * *
The ceremony
This is what all the prepping, blood, sweat, tears and cash have been leading up to. After this, you will be man and wife. And this will probably be the easiest part. Yes, you may have a bit of stage fright, or even a bit of cold feet (see earlier section), but just take a few deep breaths and you’ll be fine for your job is pretty straightforward. You mostly stand there.
Take for instance, how you’ll be standing there when you watch your bride (the star) walk down the aisle toward you. This will be one of the proudest moments of your life. After all, this means somebody wants you! This moment will seem to unfold in slow motion.
Once your bride reaches you, the rest of the ceremony will fly by so fast you’ll be shocked. You’ll probably also be wondering, "What was all the fuss about?" It’s all going to be a blur. Just remember to keep breathing (inhale then exhale) and you’
ll be fine. But to summarize: Your role, in a nutshell, is to:
• Nod your head and look attentive while whoever is performing the ceremony talks.
• Take the ring from the best man and place it on your bride’s ring finger. (Don’t worry; she’ll know which one it is.)
• Say any vows you may have. (See section on vows.)
• Say two words, "I do." (Or "I don’t," in which case you should have stopped reading quite a while ago. Nevertheless, we thank you for your patronage.)
• Kiss the bride. Then walk out of the building and get pelted with some sort of biodegradable material.
WARNING: For the night and the meal before the wedding, it’s probably best to avoid foods like beans or cabbage or pretty much anything else that will give you gas or heartburn, for while you might find it entertaining to make the wedding party and the first couple rows of people pass out, your bride probably won’t.
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
(on how to get married)
The good way:
"David, do you take Courtney to be your wedded wife, to live together in marriage? Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her? For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health? And forsaking all others, be faithful only to her? So long as you both shall live?
David takes a deep breath and says, "I do."
The not-so-good way:
"Melvin, do you take Shanice to be your wedded wife, to live together in marriage? Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her? For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health? And forsaking all others, be faithful only to her? So long as you both shall live?
Melvin takes a deep breath and thinks, I know I really should have thought this through a little better, then finally says, "I guess I do...."
* * *
The pictures
While the photographer will certainly take "action" pictures of the wedding ceremony, party and process, you will also find it necessary to pose for pictures. These pictures are obviously important because in the years to come they will give you something to look back on and say, "Boy, I used to be skinny and have more hair."
And if there are any lingering doubts in your mind that your bride is the star of the wedding, the posing for pictures will shatter those doubts, then stomp on them, then chew them up, spit them out, and then stomp on them again for your bride will pose for more pictures this day than Gisele Bundchen ever did in a year (except, of course, for any year Gisele married Tom Brady).
Now, yes, you will also pose for a lot of pictures (probably a lot more than you want), but your bride will be in more and always the center of attention. But, this is a good thing because your bride is a lot easier on the eyes and the camera lens. Sure, you got all dressed up and look nice, but brides get radiant when they put on a wedding dress. So, it’s good to have a person around to document it with pictures.
As to the pictures themselves, there are many possible permutations:
• The bride alone from many angles, in many poses, in front of many different backgrounds. (2,314 shots)
• You alone. (4 shots; after all, there is only so much a camera can do….)
• The bride with you. (42 shots. Sure, there are only two of you, but she’ll still be the focus.)
• The bride with her family. (29 shots)
• The bride with her extended family. (15 shots)
• The bride with your family. (1.5 shots)
• The bride and you with her family. (2 shots)
• The bride and you with your family. (2 shots)
• The bride with the bridesmaids. (At least 150 shots)
• The bride with the groomsmen. (7 shots)
• You with the groomsmen. (1 shot)
• You with the bridesmaids: if you are lucky. (1 shot, at very most)
• The bride with any ring bearers, flower girls, etc. (37 shots)
The entire picture-taking process will take anywhere from close to an hour to way, way more than an hour. Yet, no matter how long it actually takes, it will seem a lot longer to you and your guests, but at least your guests get to relax at the bar, munching on the thousands of dollars worth of hors d’oeuvres you had to work three weeks overtime to pay for.
Your only choice here is to grin (and grin, and grin) and bear it. Look at it this way, it will make your bride a happy woman. It also helps to keep repeating to yourself, "I look so good in the tux. I look so good in the tux…." That should make you feel better.
The honeymoon
This should be a very happy time, but if you need to read a book about what to do on your honeymoon, this isn’t the book you should be reading. ‘Nuff said.
Life-ever-after
Your first few days of being a married man are going to be different, but it will be a good different. The big trick is to remember you are married. It won’t be hard, just different—after all, up until now you’ve spent all of your life not married.
The first time you introduce the lady next to you as "my wife," it’s going to be weird. But, once again, it’s going to be a good kind of weird.
Yes, you may even have the urge to laugh a bit as the words come out of your mouth (for it may sound a bit funny to you), but however it sounds or feels, you should suppress the urge (for while it may be a good laugh for you, your "now wife" probably won’t think of it that way....).
* * *
The Lazy Man’s Summary
(on how to start your life together)
The good way:
"Courtney, I’m so glad I can finally call you my wife. We’re going to have such a great life together. Equal partners in everything we do."
The not-so-good way:
"Boy, Shanice, I can’t wait until you’re barefoot and pregnant!"
* * *
Appendix
Wedding history and trivia
Note: This info is gleaned from the web, so none of it could possibly be made up....
The tradition of bridesmaids dressing the same as each other and in similar style to the bride comes from ancient days when it was believed evil spirits would have a more difficult time distinguishing which one was the bride and not be able to put a hex on her. Today, the hex is having to wear those God-ugly dresses.
According to English folklore, Saturday, the most popular American choice, is the unluckiest day to marry. It would be interesting to compare the divorce rates between Brits and Americans married on Saturdays compared to those married on other days. (Okay, maybe it wouldn’t be that interesting, but there’s a good chance that some lonely social scientist has probably done it....)
Queen Victoria made white the bridal color of choice when she wore it to wed Prince Albert in 1840. (The theory is she had stock in a company that specialized in white fabric.)
The reason the engagement ring and wedding band is worn on the fourth finger of the left hand is because the ancient Egyptians thought the "vein of love" ran from this finger directly to the heart. Today, science has shown the "vein of love" is actually the throat and it is stimulated by large qualities of beer.
The average wedding costs around $25,000 with 200 guests. Obviously, the more guests you have, the more it costs—you do the math.
In Pennsylvania, ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk. If this were true in Vegas, weddings there would drop an estimated ninety-nine percent.
The veil dates back to ancient Rome, when it was flame yellow, always worn over the face, and called a flammeum. (Apparently, ancient Roman woman were quite homely.)
The kiss at the end of the wedding ceremony dates back to the way olden days when the couple would actually make love for the first time under the eyes of half the village. (Today we have X-rated movies, camera phones, and the Internet instead.)
The tradition of tying tin cans to the back of the newlyweds’ vehicle started long ago with the belief that items tied to the back of the
couple’s carriage would produce noise to scare away evil spirits. (And mothers-in-law, we suspect.)
Fifty percent of first marriages end in divorce. Sixty percent of second marriages end in divorce, which really shouldn’t be all that surprising since a hundred percent of second marriages have at least one member who has been divorced at least once.
In the rhyme "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue," the word "blue" is symbolic of the blood of royalty, since both the bride and the groom were once considered to be "royal" on their wedding day. (The old part also comes from the royal family itself being that most of them are pretty darn old.)
In times past, if a young man encountered a blind person, a pregnant woman, or a monk while on his way to propose to his intended bride, it was believed the marriage would be doomed if he continued because those images were thought to be bad omens. On the other hand, if he were to see a pigeon, wolf, or goat, he could expect extremely good fortune in the marriage. The moral of this story is to visit the zoo, not a monastery or a hospital, before you go to propose.
June has been the most popular choice for weddings—for a long, long time. Not because of the great weather, but because during the 1400 and 1500s, May was the month in which each person had their "annual bath." Back in those times, most people were only able to bathe thoroughly once each year. Therefore, June became a good time to hold celebrations because it was one of the few times of the year everybody didn’t stink. June is also named after the goddess Juno, who was the Roman counterpart to Hera, the goddess of the hearth and home, and patron of wives.
The Man's Guide to Weddings Page 7
