The Man's Guide to Weddings
Page 8
Bad weather on the way to the wedding is believed by some to signify unhappiness in the marriage. Traditionally, it is believed cloudy skies and wind on the way to the wedding will result in a stormy marriage. However, snow on the way to the wedding is a sign of fertility and prosperity. So, by this theory, Eskimos should be very fertile and China should be a lot less crowded.
Official definitions of wedding
To give the book an air of sophistication, this has been included for you really smart types who need to know this kind of stuff. (This is also included for those of you who like to impress people with useless knowledge.)
wedding
Wed Wed, v. t. [imp. Wedded; p. p. Wedded or Wed; p. pr. & vb. n. Wedding.] [OE. wedden, AS. weddian to covenant, promise, to wed, marry; akin to OFries. weddia to promise, D. wedden to wager, to bet, G. wetten, Icel. ve[eth]ja, Dan. vedde, Sw. v["a]dja to appeal, Goth. gawadj[=o]n to betroth. See Wed, n.]
1. To take for husband or for wife by a formal ceremony; to marry; to espouse.
With this ring I thee wed. —Bk. of Com. Prayer.
I saw thee first, and wedded thee. —Milton.
2. To join in marriage; to give in wedlock.
And Adam, wedded to another Eve, Shall live with her. —Milton.
3. Fig.: To unite as if by the affections or the bond of marriage; to attach firmly or indissolubly.
Thou art wedded to calamity. —Shak.
Men are wedded to their lusts. —Tillotson.
[Flowers] are wedded thus, like beauty to old age. —Cowper.
4. To take to one’s self and support; to espouse. [Obs.]
They positively and concernedly wedded his cause. —Clarendon.
Source: Webster’s Revised Unabridged Dictionary, ©1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.
wedding -- n
1: the social event at which the ceremony of marriage is performed [syn: wedding ceremony, nuptials]
2: the act of marrying; the nuptial ceremony; "their marriage was conducted in the chapel" [syn: marriage, marriage ceremony]
3: a party of people at a wedding [syn: wedding party]
Source: WordNet ®1.6, ©1997 Princeton University
Handy wedding definitions
Alimony: Something you’ll either have to pay (or receive) if the wedding doesn’t work out. (Hopefully, you won’t have to deal with it but the book needed a definition for the letter A.)
Bachelor party: (See: Recipe for Trouble.)
Best man: One of your closest friends who will stand by you during the wedding. Some of his job duties will include: holding the ring, paying any priest and/or organist (with your money), making sure you don’t back down, making sure you stay presentable even if you barf, and giving an embarrassing toast.
Bouquet: A bunch of expensive flowers your wife is just going to toss to her friends for them to fight over. (Actually, that alone makes them worth the price. See: Cat fight.)
Bride: The star of the wedding and your wife-to-be.
Bridesmaids: The star’s support staff, of which your ushers will be hoping at least some of them are hot.
Cat fight: If you get lucky, what you’ll see when your bride throws her bouquet to her unmarried friends.
Cummerbund: Something you wear that sounds about as comfortable as it is.
Debt: What you will be in after the wedding, unless you can talk your in-laws into paying.
Eloping: Running off somewhere to get married in front of a couple of witnesses. It avoids a lot of hassles and expenses and really irks your mom and mother in-law.
Favors: No, not begging your wife for sex. Favors are small gifts and trinkets you give to people who attend your wedding so they will remember it.
Golf: Something you won’t be playing as much of now.
Garter: A piece of cloth your wife wears around her thigh. In the olden days they were probably used to hold up nylon stockings, but today they are just used to give you something to toss to your unmarried friends.
Groom: You.
Honeymoon: Long ago, this was in theory the first time you and your wife would have sex. Now it’s more likely the first time you have sex as man and wife.
Justice of the peace: A person who specializes in performing marriage ceremonies.
Maid of honor: The bride’s version of a best man. (Your friends are going to hope she’s hot.)
Matron of honor: A married maid of honor. (Your friends will be depressed if she’s hot.)
Reception: The party after the wedding that gives your friends and relatives a chance to offer you advice and make fools of themselves.
Recipe for trouble: Your friends. Too much alcohol. Camera phone. And a stripper. ‘Nuff said. (Refer to chapter on bachelor parties.)
Rehearsal: Usually held the day before the wedding so everybody knows what to do. Your job will basically be "to stand there" and nod. You can do that. Right?
Rehearsal dinner: A small dinner with family members and the wedding party usually held the night before the wedding (after the rehearsal) so your bride can correct any bad eating displays you might have before a lot of people see them at the reception.
Sex: Something you will be getting a lot of at first…and less and less of as the years go on.
Shower: A party where your wife and a bunch of her friends get together and shower togeth— Nah, just wanted to make sure you were still paying attention. The shower is nowhere near that exciting. It is a party a bunch of your wife’s friends throw for her so they can shower her with gifts and advice. (Hope you’re not invited.)
Ushers: A bunch of your friends who will escort people to their seats at the wedding ceremony. It’s a token job that a fairly intelligent trained monkey could do, but you’ve gotta figure your buddies would be more fun to hang out with at your wedding than a trained monkey. (Trained monkeys are mean drunks; plus, they tend to throw things you really don’t want to think about.)
Veil: The covering over the bride’s face as she walks down the aisle. This custom probably originated in ancient times, before makeup was invented (this way even the especially ugly brides would have a shot at getting married before the grooms had a chance to run).
Wedding: The actual ceremony that will go by so fast you won’t believe you—well, your bride—spent so much time planning it.
Wedding party: Not really a party, just your bride’s friends who she asks to be in her wedding and a few of your friends who you rope into being in your bride’s wedding.
X-chromosome: Your wife has two of these, you have one. Kind of makes sense in a biological sort of way.
YMCA: A dance they, hopefully, won’t do at your wedding.
Zinfandel: A wine you might have at your wedding…and included in this book to give a Z definition.
Other resources
Wedding websites
There are a bunch of them and they change daily (if not hourly). Just go to any preferred search engine and type "weddings." Then point and click to your heart’s content.
Wedding magazines
There are still way more of these than you, being a guy, would ever think there would be. And your bride will probably read as many of them as she can. Plus, there are lots and lots more magazines for brides than for grooms, which is okay because while she’s reading those, you can probably read your Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues without her noticing.
About the Authors
John Zakour is a humor/sf/fantasy writer with a Master’s degree in human behavior. He has written thousand of gags for comics, comedians, and TV shows. He also writes his own syndicated comic, Working Daze, for United Media, which appears in papers world-wide (well, the U.S., Scotland, Poland and Taiwan). He’s been a regular contributor to several magazines and comic books and written seven humorous SF novels for DAW books, three YA books, three self-help books, and three books on HTML. John’s first humorous SF mystery book, The Plutonium Blonde (DAW 2001), co-written with Larry Ganem, was named one of the top thirty SF books of 2001 by The Chronicle of Scien
ce Fiction, which called it "the funniest SF book of 2001." John lives in upstate NY with his wife, Olga, a professor at Cornell University and his son Jay.
Chuck Schading is managing editor for the Finger Lakes Times newspaper in Geneva, New York. He and his wife, Rachael, planned extensively for their 2003 wedding before deciding the whole thing was an awful lot of trouble. At a party more than a month after they eloped, the couple served "Ómini-franks in dinner jackets" in honor of their own little wiener—a not-so miniature Dachshund named Mr. Whiskers. The Schadings live in Geneva with their two boys, Owen and Samuel.
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ISBN: 9780975509586
Look for it in both print and electronic format
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