Cross My Heart, Hope To Die

by Sara Shepard

  None of the nurses reacted as she passed the station, barely even glancing up from their filing and typing. The ward was as quiet as ever, a silence heavy with drugged sleep and barely suppressed panic. Emma heard a voice in one of the bedrooms chanting a children’s rhyme. “Ring around the rosy, a pocket full of posies. Ashes, ashes …” The person trailed off into garbled laughter, or maybe it was sobs. Emma couldn’t tell. She forced herself not to walk too quickly away from the sound. She was supposed to look like she belonged here.

  The now familiar pulse of the ward’s emotions thudded dully around me. It felt like quicksand, pulling me down. I hovered close to my sister, clinging to her thoughts and feelings, trying to stay afloat.

  As she passed the common room, she saw the same blank faces angled toward the television set, the same dark-haired woman rocking herself violently in the corner. Mr. Silva sat in the armchair he’d occupied two nights earlier. His eyes met hers and narrowed suspiciously. She held her breath, half expecting him to get out of his chair, to come toward her sniffing like a dog.

  But after a moment, he turned back to the television set, his black eyes losing focus. She wiped the sweat off her forehead and kept moving.

  Around a few more corners she found it: a wooden door labeled RECORDS. She swiped her card against the reader and heard the lock click. Glancing up the hallway to make sure no one had noticed, she slid in and shut the door behind her.

  The light fluttered on, revealing a narrow closet filled with dusty metal cabinets reaching from floor to ceiling. Carefully typed alphabetic labels were affixed to the front of each drawer. Emma took a moment to listen to the room’s deep silence, her blood pounding in her ears. For better or worse, she was moments from finding out the truth about her mother.

  She traced her fingers over the letters on the cabinets until she found a drawer labeled L–N. She gave the drawer a firm tug. It didn’t budge.

  Then she noticed the LED screen blinking on the top of the cabinet. PLEASE ENTER CODE, read the message. She stared blankly at it. What was it Nisha had said? My mother’s birthday is September seventh. Emma reached a trembling finger up to type 0907 on the keypad. The drawer slid smoothly open.

  Inside, it bulged with files, each one packed with documents, forms, and even photos. Emma scanned the labels quickly, trying to get her bearings in the dense forest of alphabetized folder tags. Her eyes darted over a particularly fat file. Then she did a double take. Her gaze shot back to the file. “Landry,” she whispered.

  She thought of Ethan’s mother shuffling past the living room window, wearing a threadbare robe. She’d had cancer … but did she also have psychological issues? Before Emma could stop herself, her fingers reached for the file and pulled it out. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw the patient’s first name printed precisely on the cover. It wasn’t Mrs. Landry’s file at all. It was Ethan’s.

  Emma’s fingers tightened around the edge of the manila folder. Maybe it was a different Ethan Landry. It had to be a common name. There had to be an explanation.

  Deep in her gut, though, she knew. This was Ethan’s file. Her Ethan.

  Ethan had told her not to come here, and now she knew why. What was in it? What had he hidden from her? Suddenly Emma felt angry and deeply hurt. She had shared everything about herself with Ethan—things she’d never told anyone, the worst stories from her foster homes, stupid childhood fantasies, her most private secrets.

  Emma took a shuddering breath, then slipped Ethan’s file back where it belonged. She couldn’t betray his privacy, no matter how betrayed she herself felt.

  “It doesn’t matter,” I told her. “It’s not why we’re here. Now hurry,” I said, as we both heard footsteps approaching. Emma tensed. But whoever it was walked past the records room, and she let out a breath of relief.

  Emma shook her head quickly to clear it, then flipped to the back of the drawer. MELVILLE, MENDEL, MENDOZA—there it was: MERCER. She pulled out the file and laid it flat across the drawer. On top was Becky’s most recent admittance form and a scrawled copy of her prescriptions. Behind that were her session notes, stapled into a clear plastic folder like a kid’s book report. They were written in Dr. Banerjee’s neat, slanting cursive.

  Patient is despondent and unresponsive, was all that was written under one day. Another note read:

  Patient refers constantly to some “terrible act” she has performed. Have cross-checked with her police record, but nothing seems to correspond with her guilt complex. She will suffer these delusions of persecution until she is able to confess.

  Some of Becky’s sketches were included in the notes, the same intricate and abstract filigree that filled the notebook Emma had found in the attic. Patient’s art shows both incredible creativity and crippling level of compulsion, Dr. Banerjee had written on the back of one of them. Increased dosage recommended.

  None of this was anything Emma didn’t already know. She turned a few pages.

  Patient talks frequently about the daughter who was taken from her. She seems convinced the child is being brainwashed and fantasizes about stealing her away.

  The paper rattled in Emma’s hand as she started to tremble. A daughter taken from her? Did that mean Sutton? Had she come back to Tucson in August to take Sutton away from the Mercers? Had Sutton fought her—and lost? Emma kept reading.

  The little girl was born twelve years ago this month. It seems to bring back bad memories for Ms. Mercer and exacerbates her episodes.

  Twelve years ago this month. That couldn’t mean Sutton or Emma.

  There’d been another baby.

  I inhaled sharply. Becky had another daughter?

  The world spun around Emma. She clung to the file cabinet, feeling as if she might fall and bring the whole room crashing down on top of her. Rapid calculations shot through her mind. Becky had left Emma when she was five—thirteen years ago exactly. Right around the time she would have realized she was pregnant again.

  Jealousy and excitement fought for control in Emma’s mind. Becky had traded her in for this new baby. But the note said that the girl had been “taken” from Becky. What if her second sister was suffering through the foster care system just as Emma had?

  Emma and I had the same questions: Where was she now? Could Emma track her down? Was she safe?

  Then Emma took a deep breath. She could think more about her other sister later. Right now she had to keep looking for answers. Flipping rapidly through the notes, she found the most recent session at the back of the folder. Something had primed Becky for that fit.

  … finally, we are making progress in processing Ms. Mercer’s guilt and grief. She admitted to me today that a few short months ago she actually met her first daughter in Sabino Canyon. It apparently did not go well. She still won’t tell me the entire story, but something happened between them that triggered this most recent episode.

  Dr. Banerjee didn’t seem to have gotten anything more specific than that. There were a few more scribbled notes, including several medication adjustments that looked increasingly dire to Emma’s eye. She pawed through the pages, desperate for more.

  A door banged loudly down the hall. She jumped and fumbled the folder, sending pages fluttering in every direction. Distant chatter grew louder as Emma lunged to gather the scattered forms. She shoved the folder back in the drawer and slammed it shut.

  “I’ll grab Mr. Lindon’s file,” said a female voice in the hallway. Emma took a deep breath, then cracked the door and peeked out. A short dark-haired nurse was coming around a corner. Emma couldn’t leave now without getting caught. She looked around wildly, but there was no place to hide in the cramped space. Then her eyes landed on the door hinges and she realized the door opened inward. She flattened herself against the wall, silently praying the door wouldn’t open hard enough to hurt her. With a soft click, the door swung back against her. She held her breath. She could hear the nurse humming softly to herself. Dust tickled her nose—the urge to scratch it was almost
painful. She clenched her fists tightly at her sides.

  A drawer slid open, and Emma heard the sound of paper rustling as the nurse shuffled files.

  Go away, Emma and I thought together. Get the files and go. But the nurse seemed to be taking her time.

  The door pressed back against her as another nurse stopped in the doorway, leaning against it. “Hey, Marliz, there’s cake in the break room. It’s Huong’s birthday.”

  “Someone’s got these files all jumbled,” complained the first voice. Emma gritted her teeth. She must not have put Becky’s file back where it belonged.

  “Well, if that’s the worst thing that happens today, we’re in good shape.”

  Marliz laughed. Her voice was high and girlish. “I guess it’s nothing compared to a breakout.”

  Emma could hear the second woman step into the records room, lowering her voice. “Did you hear the latest about the Mercer woman?”

  The words sent Emma’s body rigid. She bit down on the inside of her cheek.

  “I heard that when they cleaned out her room they found a photo of her kid,” continued the second voice. “You know, the girl who was visiting when she flipped out? Anyways, they find this picture tucked away under her mattress. Except she had scribbled all over the girl’s face with a ballpoint pen, over and over until she ripped through the picture. Like she was trying to scratch her out or something.”

  “Oh my God. Do you think she’s actually violent?”

  “Who knows? I tell you what, Mar, I’ve been working on this floor for almost thirty years, and Rebecca Mercer is one of the worst I’ve ever seen. I don’t understand why her family can’t just keep her on her meds. Every time she gets off, it’s worse and worse. We couldn’t even get a complete sentence out of her this time around.”

  “Don’t you think the daughter should know she’s at risk? A woman that crazy, there’s no telling what she’ll do.”

  “I agree, but supposedly scribbling on a photo isn’t violent enough to merit breaking doctor-patient confidentiality.” The woman sighed. “Found that file yet?”

  “Got it,” said Marliz. “Now let’s get some cake before it’s all gone.”

  The door swung closed. Emma kept her back to the wall and slid slowly down to sit on the floor, her heart racing.

  The nurse’s words echoed in her ears. Like she was trying to scratch her out or something. If the folder had been ambiguous, the photo made everything clear.

  I had been a mistake, and our mother had finally figured out how to erase me.

  26

  YOU BETTER GET THIS PARTY STARTED

  “That looks amazing,” Madeline said, watching Emma smudge slate gray eyeliner along her lid. “I love that color on you.”

  The girls were in Charlotte’s enormous bathroom getting ready for the party. The room was decorated in gray stone tile and Caribbean blue glass. Fluffy white towels hung from the racks. Collages of the Lying Game girls hung in heavy frames on the walls—Sutton, Madeline, and Charlotte mugging in front of a giant fiberglass cowboy, the Twitter Twins making ironic gang signs in cocktail dresses, Laurel carrying a laughing Sutton piggyback.

  Emma blinked at herself in the mirror, her eyes transformed into those of a smoldering starlet. Gabby sat at the vanity while Lili stood behind her, wrapping one of her sister’s long blond locks around a curling iron. Through the open door to Charlotte’s bedroom she could see Laurel zipping Nisha into her dress, the hot pink silk perfect against Nisha’s dark skin. Madeline stood next to Emma in her bra and panties, applying a fiftieth layer of mascara to her already long eyelashes. Charlotte was downstairs, putting the finishing touches on the decorations.

  “I could live in this bathroom. Like, just in this bathroom and never leave,” Gabby said, looking around. Emma privately agreed—the room was bigger than some of her old foster homes. A Jacuzzi-style tub occupied a pedestal at one end of the bathroom, a mini sauna next to it. A shower with six different heads took up the opposite corner. The bathmats were thick and soft, and the whole room sparkled pristinely with the cleanliness only a full-time housekeeper could maintain.

  “Ew,” said Madeline, wrinkling her nose. “Who wants to live in a bathroom?”

  “Well, maybe I’d build a separate bathroom off the bathroom,” Gabby admitted.

  I perched on the edge of the counter, filled with a wave of longing as I watched my friends. How many times had we done this before parties, gossiping and plotting pranks while we helped one another get ready? Watching my life through Emma’s eyes, I’d realized how much we teased and undermined each other. It was nice to be reminded that we’d done things like this, too.

  “Hold still,” Madeline said, turning Emma to face her. She held up an eyelash curler and pressed the trigger a few times threateningly. Emma tried not to move as Madeline fixed her lashes.

  “Is everything okay?” Madeline asked quietly as she pulled the curler away, looking curiously at Emma. “You seem tired.”

  Emma sighed. She’d felt shell-shocked and hollow since the hospital, unable to fully process everything she’d discovered. Becky had another daughter. Becky had defaced the picture of Sutton—or was it of Emma? And the most hurtful of all, Ethan had lied to her, had hidden something huge and important. What could Ethan have done to end up in the psych ward—and for a while, if the size of the file was any indication? Was it for something so awful he was afraid she’d be scared off?

  She tried to smile at Madeline. In spite of everything, Emma was determined to have a good time tonight, to shut off the part of her mind that was stressing and just enjoy a few hours with her friends. More than anything she wanted to stop wondering what Ethan was hiding. She picked up the red plastic cup she’d left on the counter and took a long, slow sip of cranberry juice and vodka. The alcohol stung the back of her throat.

  “I’m great,” she said. “Getting greater by the second.”

  “Okay, then,” Madeline said, though she clearly wasn’t convinced. “To greatness!” She lifted her own cup in a mock toast.

  Laurel peeked her head around the bathroom door. She looked stunning in the gold bandage dress she’d bought at the Saks sample sale. “Are you ladies almost finished? Some of us still need to do our makeup.”

  Emma stood up. “I’ll go downstairs and check on Char.”

  On the way through the bedroom, she stopped to check herself out in the full-length mirror. She’d decided on a pale pink halter dress that gave her skin a rosy glow. It was maybe on the sexy side for Emma and the sweet side for Sutton, but it felt perfect for the tenuous in-between that Emma lived in now. She pulled on a pair of strappy gold Miu Miu heels and headed for the stairs.

  Of everything in Sutton’s luxe life, Charlotte’s house was probably the most over-the-top thing Emma had seen. A sprawling adobe villa, it had an Olympic-sized pool, a six-car garage, and a bell tower that had been transplanted stone by stone from a two-hundred-year-old mission south of Yuma. Stunning views of the city were visible from every window. The marble stairs curved elegantly down into an entryway the size of a ballroom, where the girls had spent the afternoon hanging crisscrossing strings of globe lights from the high ceiling. On the top landing Emma ran into a guy wearing a leather vest over his bare chest who was setting up turntables. He didn’t even look up as she stepped over the cords onto the stairs.

  She found Charlotte in the kitchen, where they’d covered a table with Mrs. Chamberlain’s best linen and sprinkled glittery confetti across the surface for an accent. Platters of food covered every inch—a sun-dried tomato and pesto torta, prosciutto-wrapped asparagus, garlic-stuffed olives, and fresh-baked pita wedges. She picked up a mini quiche and popped it in her mouth.

  Charlotte glanced up when Emma came in. “You look mahvelous, dahling,” she said, air-kissing Emma’s cheek.

  “So do you!” Emma exclaimed. Charlotte’s emerald-green dress brought out her eyes. She’d had her hair done by a stylist that afternoon, in a classic updo with a few ringlets art
fully arranged around her face. Her crystal dangle earrings caught the light and made her positively glow.

  Emma held up her cup. “I seem to be empty.”

  Charlotte gestured toward the bar, which was almost as big as Sutton’s bedroom, complete with four different wine refrigerators across the back wall. Dozens of glass bottles were lined up on the counter, along with mixers, limes, and even a blender. Emma fixed two cosmos, one for herself and one for Charlotte. She did it properly in a shaker, the way a cool older foster sister had once taught her. Through the French doors to the back patio, Emma could see the big-bellied keg by the light of the tiki torches.

  Tucked into an alcove next to the walk-in pantry, the security system control panel flashed green. Disarmed. Not that it mattered if it was on or not, since Becky had gotten past it before. Emma’s heart picked up speed at the memory of Sutton’s killer strangling her in this very kitchen. Her hands shook. Couldn’t she have one night off from worrying for her life? She deserved it.

  “Bottoms up!” she yelled to Charlotte, then finished her drink in a single gulp.

  A few hours later, Emma wasn’t worried about anything at all. She and Brian Lloyd, cocaptain of the basketball team, had just beat Charlotte and Mark Bell in a heated game of beer pong out on the patio. When Brian challenged her to a victory tequila shot, she hadn’t even flinched, just tossed back her head and downed it quickly, without salt or lime. “That’s the Sutton Mercer I know and love!” Charlotte trilled, throwing an arm around Emma’s shoulders affectionately. “Where have you been hiding?”

  Emma shrugged and floated past Tim Sullivan, whose father owned a string of sporting goods stores across Arizona and who was doing a keg stand as the entire football team cheered him on. Inside, a Jay-Z song was playing on Charlotte’s sound system. Girls in tiny dresses were dancing in groups, or with their arms entwined around boys in button-downs and jeans. Emma smiled and waved at everyone, reveling in just how much fun it was to be Sutton.