A Cowboy’s Christmas List: Holidays in Heart Falls: Book 4

by Vivian Arend

  “You just described you as well,” he said softly.

  “I know that. But my get stuff done didn’t involve a career on the approved list. Becoming a veterinarian didn’t add to the financial bottom line of the family—they’re all involved in some sort of house building or selling or improvement venue. Build your home the Wright way. My part-time job as a dog walker when I was a teen didn’t get the Wright name in the newspaper or mentioned on the radio. Not like when my three brothers, while still teenagers, built a Habitat for Humanity house by themselves, or when my sister won Miss Shag Carpet.”

  Alex blinked. “Tell me that’s not a thing.”

  She snickered softly. “Sorry, that was me being rude. But she did win some other pageant that was held during a home-improvement fair. And you don’t have to reassure me that I’m beautiful, because I like how I look. I just wasn’t enough. And it might sound terrible, but after being told I was too forward or too quiet, or that I was lazy, immediately followed by too obsessed—I needed to get out of there.”

  A soft curse drifted from his lips. He was rubbing her legs now, anger at the back of his eyes. “They were gaslighting you.”

  “I know that now. Carrie does it the most. Which is why I’m ignoring her, because somehow, whatever it is she wants to talk to me about? It’ll be my fault that something’s wrong, or how dare I not get it to her yesterday, and why am I so difficult when she’s always wanted nothing but the best for me?”

  “Oh, sweetheart. That sucks.”

  Alex was watching her closely, absolutely no judgment on his face. Which was why the next words spilled free.

  “I feel guilty.”

  Instantly he shook his head. “Oh, hell no. Nobody deserves to do things that make you feel bad. Especially not family.”

  “But I’m doing everything I can to avoid my family. And then I see you, who gave up your job and moved back home to do everything for your parents. I can’t even pick up the phone to call my parents. I’m a terrible daughter.”

  “Bullshit.” Not only was his volume up, but his eyes flashed with the closest thing to fury she’d seen in a long time. “That’s complete and utter bullshit, and you do not get to put that kind of crap on yourself.”

  “It’s how I feel,” Yvette protested.

  “Because too many times, this damn world teaches us that’s what we’re supposed to feel. But you know those parents I gave up so much to go help? One of the first things they taught me was that feelings are only something we should listen to when they’re right. Because when I showed up on their doorstep, eight years old and feeling as if I must be the worst kid on the face of the earth because even my mother didn’t want me, they told me feelings can lie.”

  Something tightened inside Yvette’s heart and at the back of her throat. “I’m so sorry.”

  For the little boy he’d been. For the hurt that must have caused.

  For the ridiculousness of worrying about her small-time complaints when he’d had his world torn apart while so young and innocent.

  “You’re sorry?” His gaze tightened. “Forget that noise. I mean, yes, it was terrible I had to go through that, but I ended up with Hans and Glenda, and my world changed. That’s not something to be sorry for, that's a thing to celebrate.”

  “I’m glad.” Although she was definitely going to pin her lips together and stop feeling sorry for herself.

  “Good. So now you can just knock any fucked-up ideas from your head that are saying I don’t get to complain because Alex had it so much worse than me…”

  He was downright creepy at times. “How did you—?”

  “How do I know? It’s in your eyes, sweetheart.” He touched his finger to her temple. “You look as if you want to crawl away and hide, but that’s not happening. Not unless there’s enough room in your blanket fort for both of us.”

  Yvette stopped and tried a mental reset.

  He was correct—again.

  The things in her life that weren’t right were important. He cared enough to want her to be honest. “I know feelings can lie. I mean, I know it in my head, but it’s not sunk in completely, because the feelings are still there.”

  He sat up, her hands held tight in his. “Then it’s time to do something about that. Talk to me, talk to a therapist. Talk to your friends, but talk. Hell, you should shout, cry, scream, until things change.”

  She couldn’t say anything, so she simply nodded because he was right. She agreed completely.

  She just wasn’t sure how to get from where she was to where she needed to go.

  They sat quietly. Then Alex spoke softly. “Here’s one thing I don’t get. I’ve worked with you when you’re on the job. You’re downright cheeky. You’re bold, and you’re proud and solid, even when you’re dealing with the biggest assholes out there. And farmers, let’s be blunt, are assholes.”

  That stole a chuckle from her, wobbly as it was.

  He gathered her up so she was once again sitting in his lap. He pushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “I contrast that confidence with how you are sometimes when I ask you an innocent question. Or now, when you talk about dealing with your terrible family. Why does it throw you for such a loop? Any ideas?”

  She paused, but the first thing that shot to mind was a truth she’d suspected for a long time. “I did it on my own. When I went to veterinarian school, I did it in spite of what they wanted. The whole time I was there, it was just me. No older siblings with their shining reputations to live up to. No bad behaviors from their past I had to prove to be better than. For the first time, I got to be Yvette instead of someone’s younger sister or Kent and Kim’s daughter. I’m solid as a professional. It’s just…relationships, not so much.”

  He nodded. “That makes sense.”

  She hated that their wonderful evening had turned into this. Her, with tears threatening to fall. But then again…

  She caught Alex’s fingers and pressed them to her lips. “This sucks.”

  A laugh escaped. “Yes, it does.”

  No, he didn’t get what she meant. She needed to be brave enough to ensure he did.

  She tried again because this was too important to let slide. “This sucks, but I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad I’m on the verge of crying my eyes out and you’re here. Being together changes things. It means things. It means everything.” Tears were coming now, but she held them back for long enough to finish, eyes locked on his as she shared the final truth. “It means everything that we’re together.”

  Alex had seen more baby animals brought into this world than he could count. There was always a moment of wonder when the foal or the calf, or even a chick escaping their shell, would totter up on wobbly legs. He recognized that moment. Observing their shaky new steps into a brand-new world.

  Which meant he was awestruck to be there in that moment, witnessing as Yvette took some brand-new shaky steps into her future.

  He curled his arms around her and squeezed tight. He didn’t say anything yet. Figured what she needed first was to let those tears out. The ones that were dropping hard and fast as if she’d been holding them in for years.

  Damn if his eyes weren’t a little weepy as well.

  Together—hell, just thinking the word made something inside him light up with all kinds of hope.

  He stroked her shoulders for a bit until the sobs turned to sniffles then to steadily smoother breaths.

  “I need to get up for a minute.” Yvette wiggled forward and off his lap.

  He let her go so she could blow her nose and wipe her eyes, but it was immensely satisfying when she returned and immediately crawled back into his arms.

  Rocking back, he put his feet up on the coffee table. The soft, warm woman in his arms fit perfectly against him. The logs crackled in the fireplace, light shining on the pretty trinkets she had on display all around her house. The cabin was cozy—but not quite somewhere Alex could see living with her.

  But moving in together was a problem for anoth
er time, because he needed to finish their conversation.

  “What happens now?” Alex asked. “Because I want to support you, especially if you need to make tough choices. Only, I don’t want to barrel you down some path you don’t want to go.”

  She rubbed her hand against his chest, a wry smile on her lips. “There’s a part of me that keeps being optimistic. Thinking that if I answer Carrie, it’ll magically end up a normal conversation. That she’ll be sweet and loving like Lisa and her sisters. But I’ve been proved wrong too many times before.”

  “You want to tell me about it so you can get it off your chest, or do you want to do some problem-solving? Because I can do either. A sympathetic ear or a brainstorm session.”

  “Brainstorming is a good idea.” She wrinkled her nose. “We should be armed with a full table of Tansy’s baked goods before we dive in, though.”

  He laughed softly. “We can put it off until we’re loaded with carbs, but will you be able to just ignore her?”

  As if punctuating his sentence, another text message arrived, her phone vibrating on the table.

  Yvette all but growled. “Here’s where I get trapped in this endless loop. I start thinking about what I should do, and it backfires. Because what if I block Carrie’s number, but she’s actually trying to get a hold of me because something’s happened to my parents or brothers?”

  “How many times in the past fifteen years has that happened?” Alex asked.

  Yvette opened her mouth then closed it, a crease forming between her brows. “Ummm.”

  He leaned in and brushed his lips over hers. “My quick advice. Block her phone number, because from what you’ve said, she lost the privilege of contacting you a long time ago. Set up an email you give only to your family, and they can use that. Get somebody you trust, like Brooke, to preview the emails. She can delete them if there’s anything toxic, and you can respond only to the things that are absolutely necessary. Or ignore them if it’s just nonsense that you don’t need to acknowledge. Being family doesn’t give them the right to any of your time or energy.”

  Her expression grew thoughtful. “If I have time and energy to spend making a difference in people’s lives, I want it to be here in Heart Falls. You know, like maybe encouraging Ashton and Sonora to get their act together. Or helping take care of someone cranky but harmless like Creighton, who doesn’t have anyone else in his life.” She cringed. “I still feel horrid saying that. Because it’s like saying my family isn’t worth the effort.”

  “It needs to sink in that this didn’t start with choices you made,” Alex said softly. “Honestly? It’s okay to feel terrible.”

  “Really?”

  “Just a little.” He nodded. “Only for a short while. Because feeling that way would be a reminder that you’re doing the right thing for yourself for a change. If it feels bad to take care of your own heart, then, okay. I’d prefer that rather than you feeling terrible because they worked you over and left you bruised.”

  “That makes sense.” She still didn’t look very happy.

  Alex tucked his fingers underneath her chin. “Just so you know, I’m not brilliant, pulling that idea out of thin air. It was a solution I had to use with one of my former foster brothers. A tactic I did on recommendation from my parents.”

  Her lips curled into a circle. “Oh.”

  “Yes, oh.” He kissed her because he simply couldn’t not.

  She straightened suddenly. “Brooke reminded me of something. I can’t believe I forgot to ask, but what are your plans for Christmas? You said you have to work in the morning. Do you want to spend the day together?”

  Oh, boy. Did he ever. “Yup. You going to go see your grandparents? Can I join you?”

  She nodded, a pleased smile washing away the final bits of sadness. “After lunch is the traditional gift-opening time. Then, if you want, you can come back here, and we can cook something festive.”

  He was on the verge of asking if she wanted to FaceTime with his parents but decided to hold off for now. With everything else going on, it was okay to let that part—the meet-the-parents part—ease in a little slower. “Sounds like a perfect holiday plan.”

  Then she slid her fingers into his hair, and he became the kissee. Text messages forgotten, the tension and sadness of the past hour slipped away as she pulled him into her bedroom then moved them together.

  That word again. Together.

  It meant so much more than ever before. It wasn’t only about tangled limbs and sweaty body parts, the sheets on her bed shoved aside as they teased and stroked and offered each other pleasure.

  It was the bits of laughter that rose between them. Like when he rolled her on top then damn near squawked in surprise, curling upright to discover a key chain had slid under his back. “What’s this doing here?”

  Her cheeks flushed as she confessed, “It’s for tomorrow. I sleep with the next day’s key under my pillow.”

  It was the little sounds she made as he curled himself around her, slipping on a condom and sliding deep. It was him reaching down to press his thumb over her clit as the storm between them rushed higher until they both broke.

  Together.

  Beyond that night, together meant striving to find time where they could talk, laugh, and just be. Alex did everything he could to be there every day when she opened the daily calendar drawer.

  Monday, four days before Christmas, he stood beside her on the porch, both of them wrapped from head to toe against the bitter cold. “They really should hold Christmas sometime in the summer,” Yvette complained.

  “They do. In New Zealand,” Alex drawled as she opened the drawer and peeked in. Peals of laughter exploded from her, and he leaned closer to see what had happened. “What?”

  She slid her fingers into the narrow space and pinched, lifting out a ribbon-wrapped five-pack of condoms. “You did give me condoms. Now I know why you were so confused when I offered one up days ahead of schedule.”

  He wasn’t sure why she was laughing so hard, but it seemed appropriate to tease. “Oh, these aren’t for sex. I thought we could make balloon animals out of them or something, for entertainment.”

  She grinned then peeked in the drawer again, pulling out the next day’s key, plus the note he’d included and the bar of decadent dark chocolate. She popped open the envelope.

  * * *

  These are for when you’re ready. In the meantime, I want you to feel good, and they do say chocolate is the nearest thing to an orgasm.

  * * *

  Amusement danced over her face. “Not for sex?”

  “I figured you’d really get off on balloon animals.”

  Which started another set of laughter, this one not leading to the bedroom but inside the house, next to the fire, where they sat on the loveseat he’d pulled into position so they could stay warm and cuddled together, both reading quietly for the next while. Connected. Something growing deeper and richer.

  As if something magical was approaching every day closer they got to Christmas.

  13

  Alex wondered if he should wrap Yvette’s final gift, or leave it out, in case he needed to add anything before Friday. The present was one he’d had no opportunity to work on prior to arriving in Heart Falls, but it was going to be a hit with her. He already knew it.

  Plus, there was the final drawer in the Christmas calendar, and a surprise she didn’t know about. He wanted Christmas Day to be a perfect opportunity to take what they were doing and slide their relationship to the next stage.

  Two days to go. He didn’t want to be overly cocky, but so far, so good.

  His phone rang. “Hey, Dad. Hey, Mom.”

  “Just me this time,” Hans said with a hearty laugh. “Your mom is out on a trail ride with the new foster kids Caitlin and Aaron got this past weekend. Three of them. Ten, eight, and seven. All of them wound up tighter than old-fashioned tops. I think your sister plans to bounce all the sadness out of them.”

  “They arrived? I tho
ught they wouldn’t be there for another week. That’s what Aaron said when he messaged me yesterday.” They both knew with fostering, the kids arrived when they needed to arrive. Or a little later than they should have.

  His dad’s tone of voice said he understood what was going through Alex’s head. “Change of plans. So we’ll have a bigger group for the holidays. Can’t say I’m disappointed.”

  “No, I guess not.” Alex could picture it now. His mom and dad in their glory, handing out presents and hugs and as much attention as the new kids needed. “Good to hear you didn’t try to join in riding yet.”

  “Pain in the ass that I can’t, but I’m enjoying the new hip and no pain far too much to complain about having to take it easy.”

  “You’ve never been the type to complain.” Alex let the memories of everything this man had done for him wash over him in a happy wave. The truth hit so hard, it nearly bowled him over. “What you’ve got is special. You and Mom. I’m very thankful to be your son.”

  A faint pause, and then his dad hummed happily. “Don’t know what brought that on but can’t say I’m disappointed. We love you. Glad to know the tough days were worth it.”

  “Every one of them,” Alex acknowledged.

  Every time the goodness of his past struck him, he realized all over again what a fool he’d been when it came to Yvette and his teasing ways over the past years. She didn’t have the same rock-solid base he’d built on. Being grateful for what he had growing up wasn’t enough. He needed to somehow be able to pass that blessing on to her, and others.

  “Did I lose you, or are you sitting there thinking deep thoughts?” his dad asked softly.

  “I’m still here,” Alex said. “But definitely falling into that deep-thought place.”