by T M Bashford
“But she didn’t say yes, either,” Brett says. “She’s thinking, right? Choosing between us? If she loves you, why does she need to think about it?”
I kick the bench seat, wishing I had room to pace. The memory of how Shae was unable to look me in the eye when I proposed, or even when I mentioned a future together, ghosts through my mind. Her hair didn’t even smell like apples anymore, but of the shampoo Brett bought for her. Had I missed all her signals and coerced her into considering my view of our future? “But she came to rescue me. She risked her life to find me—”
“And her brother. She risked her life to save you both. When she heard the news, she accepted it was her fault. She wasn’t going to leave you both out there to die. She didn’t come because she loves you… she came out of guilt.”
I want to unhear his words because they echo what Shae had said—and she’d hesitated when I asked her if she would have risked her life if Finn wasn’t with me.
Thoughts are stuffed so tightly in my brain that it’s impossible to pick them apart or make sense of anything. I slump onto the bench seat remembering how Shae had tensed when I mentioned our future, how she became unresponsive and glum when we talked about how I could create a life for us, how she hadn’t exactly jumped at the idea of moving to Sydney. Instead, she brought up stupid stuff like visas—avoiding the question. Why had I ignored all her signals?
“You believe she didn’t give me an answer because she loves you?” My throat constricts around the words.
Brett pushes long fingers through his dark hair. “She doesn’t want to marry you or she’d have said yes—even if it was for a date in the far future. She made love with me and told me she loves me. She told me she could never, ever forgive you because she gave you her trust and you betrayed her. I was there for her when she needed someone and that counts for a lot. I wanted to come when she left to find you and Finn, but she begged me not to—said she’d die if something happened to me. She asked me to wait here and then we’d start our life together. You can’t blame her, mate, can you? She moved on. She thought you had, too.”
Even though she sang Brett’s praises and spent a lot of time with him, even though she may have changed him and helped him, even though it did seem as if Brett was waiting for her when I arrived… it just can’t be true.
She never told me she loves me, not even during our days on Sassy Jam. Is Brett right? Does Shae not love me?
“Why didn’t she tell me about you?” I demand. “Why did she keep up the pretense?” I can feel the heat in my face as my lips curl around the ugly words. “Why did she lie to me?”
“Come on, mate. She spent the first week you met saying her name was Emily, and she lied about why she was on the run from California, remember? I’m not sure you understand her as well as you think you do.”
I dry wash my face, wading through thoughts and memories.
“After what happened with her dad and Connor, don’t you reckon she’d be cautious about telling you the truth when she was stranded on a boat with you—with no getting away from you if you went off at her?”
I stand again, speaking through gritted teeth, “She knows I’d never do that.”
“But this is different. She’s never had to tell you she doesn’t love you anymore, that she’s fallen for your best friend. Right now, I’m bloody frightened about your reaction, so why wouldn’t she?” His sudden smile is criss-crossed with pity.
I grip my jaw and climb onto the gunwale.
“Where are you going?” he asks.
“To talk to Shae.”
“There’s no point. Shae and I leave in two days—we’re going to live in California. I’m moving there right after I talk my dad into sending me to college in LA. He’ll be happy I’ve returned to college and he’ll cough up the cash. Shae’s teaching me to sail. I’m buying her a boat. It’s all settled, mate. She needs to sail and set world records. She doesn’t want to be a businessman’s wife stuck inside a mansion in a city. You have to let her go.”
I put together the pieces of the puzzle. Aside from being lukewarm around the question about coming to Sydney, she’d repeatedly mentioned Brett with a sparkle in her eyes, and she’d brought up the idea of breaking sailing world records twice. I know how sailing is a part of her soul. Yet, if it wasn’t for Eddie yelling and listening in, we would’ve had sex. Everyone had assumed we’d share a cabin, including myself. Had she been bulldozed into sleeping with me? Or was it to be goodbye sex? Is that why she didn’t want to have sex and used Eddie as the excuse? Even hours after he’d called out to us, she wasn’t interested. At one point, I’m sure she pretended to be asleep. It’s ironic how she has major trust issues, yet she’s the best liar I’ve ever met. Brett’s right on that point.
“Brett, you’re not the most trustworthy when it comes to—”
“I’ve got something to show you.” Brett beckons me down from the gunwale. “It’s concrete proof about what I’m telling you. This is not just words.”
I acquiesce and follow him into the cabin. At the nav table, he pulls out a plastic file. I recognize the drawings immediately—the sketches I made of Shae in Samoa and when we were sailing on Sassy Jam toward Australia. He passes one to me. It’s wrinkled, as if it’d been screwed up, with ‘I’ll never forgive you’ scribbled across it and small holes gouged out of it. She’d stabbed the paper with a pen. The next one reads, ‘It’s over’ in huge capitals.
My heart folds over on itself.
Brett puts a steadying hand on my shoulder, studying me through his floppy fringe. “She’s done with you, Drew. She chucked these out just a few days ago, but I saved them for her. Figured she may regret it. Then when she realized you’d followed her, she had no choice but to attempt to save you and her brother if she was to live with herself. Don’t put her through more than she’s already been through. Allow Shae to choose her life without you pressuring or guilting her into staying with you. If you love her as you say you do, then you should give her the freedom she needs without making her choose.”
The sight of my vandalized sketches clarifies why Shae hesitated to discuss our future on Karma. She hadn’t been worried about a visa or rushing into anything or getting to safety first… she delayed the discussion because she’s moved on and is with Brett now. I clench my fists to stop myself from lashing out. She’s not entirely to blame. She had thought we were over. And she lied to avoid telling me she’d fallen for my best friend just as she lied about Connor. That time she’d allowed us to become close, even while knowing she was going to be arrested.
“Don’t make this harder on her than it already is,” Brett says.
A memory of Shae’s face, smiling and eyes sparkling as she re-told stories of Brett and what they’d done in Samoa, nudges me. “You went on a kayaking trip?” Shae seemed to go quiet after recalling the trip as if lost in the memory.
“She told you about that? That’s when things got real hot between us.”
I can’t listen to what Brett has to say. Can’t look at his smug face for a moment longer. Alarm bells ring in my head, knowing I’d misread her just as I had, in the past, misread Brett—and even my father. My heart caves with the realization I must let her go. I rocket onto the deck and dive into the ocean. When I reach the shore, my legs take over and I’m running along the beach in the opposite direction of town.
Shae
When the taxi drops me off in the parking lot, I don’t wait for my change but run onto the beach. Sassy Jam is where I last saw her, forlorn without her mast. Apart from the fact that someone’s lit the lanterns, there’s no sign of Drew or Brett.
I stand on the shoreline and yell their names. It’s been four hours and I was impatient for Drew to return to the hotel given Finn was slurring his words and acting obnoxious after several beers and Mom hadn’t stopped lecturing me. Apparently, it’s time to stop sailing to wherever I fancied, stop taking stupid risks, and stop putting people in danger. Brody stayed silent—maybe he agrees with her.
It’s possible Brett and Drew went to a bar for a drink to celebrate. I hope Brett sticks to OJ.
I smile with relief when Brett emerges. He waves and beckons to me. I pull my T-shirt over my head, remove my shorts, leaving them on the sand, and swim to Sassy. I trace my fingers over her raspberry-red letters, happy to be home.
“I should be bloody angry with you for abandoning me,” Brett says, his expression anything but angry. He helps hike me onboard.
“I did not abandon you.” He hugs me for a little too long and I have to pull away. “Where’s Drew?” I glance into the cabin but it’s quiet and dim. Brett passes me a towel, his sharp jaw suddenly set. His bitter chocolate eyes avoid me. Dread quivers through me like a vibrating guitar string. “Where’s Drew?” I repeat.
“Sit,” Brett says as he bumps down onto the bench seat. When he doesn’t speak and won’t look at me, I blink at the filthy dishwater-colored sky and take in a deep breath.
“Where is he, Brett? Did you two argue? Tell me.” Panic takes over and a gush of heat throbs through my skull. For a moment, I wonder if Brett has found where I hid the gun on Ariel.
Brett leans on his knees and holds his head in his hands. “He’s gone.”
“Gone? Gone where? Why?” Frantic, I push at his shoulder to make him look at me. “Tell me, Brett.”
“He told me he asked you to marry him?” I nod, remaining confused. “But you said no?”
“Not exactly, but why does that matter?”
“You’ve got to understand, Shae… he’s a different person now.”
“Different? How different? You’re not making any sense.”
“He was angry. No, not angry. Put off? Hurt? I think it hurt him but mostly, he seemed… offended?”
My mouth pops open. There are no words but there’s a jungle-drum beat in my chest.
“That’s what I mean—he’s not the same Drew as we knew. He’s a billionaire, Shae. He’s not like us anymore. He’s the kind of guy who gets kidnapped for a ransom. He’s the kind of guy who can have whatever he wants—including any woman. Then there’s you saying you’re too young or something. I reckon he needed you to be completely ecstatic and impatient to be his wife.”
I try to stand, but my legs won’t support me. “What did he say exactly? Word for word.”
“Just—jeez I’m sorry, Shae.” His cupid’s bow lips purse together.
He comes over to comfort me, but I pull my legs to me and push him away. “Tell me.”
“Something similar to, ‘If she won’t marry me, plenty of other women will.’”
“No. He wouldn’t say that.”
“You’re thinking of the old Drew. The one from a few months ago. He’s inherited everything from his father—he’s one of the richest and most powerful men in Australia, the world, even. You don’t think that’s going to change him? Look at what happened with Ava—he could have refused to even let her in the house if he meant what he said about her being out of his life. She had recently tried to trick him into being a father to her baby. He has a guard to keep people he doesn’t want to see out. Clearly, he was happy to accept her visit.”
Brett’s words echo my thoughts before I ran away on Ariel. Drew had changed to me, too—flying in private jets, and dressed in suits and leather Armani shoes rather than swimmers and being barefoot. Isn’t that why I had gone to Sydney in the first place—to tell him I couldn’t fit into his new life and had decided to carry on sailing? Now, Drew’s not the son of a wealthy man, but a billionaire in his own right. Merely a couple of days ago, my heart had woven together with Drew’s but today it’s tearing at the seams.
“Look how much I’ve changed in barely three weeks,” Brett adds. “Drew’s changed, too. I noticed it immediately. He has this air of entitlement. I guess that’s natural when everyone around you jumps at your every command. When you can buy anything you want in the world. When you have power. Power and money changes people.”
Connor had had both power and money. But this is Drew, not Connor. “What else did he say?”
“He was glad to get off the boat, that it was hard to be with you when you’d rejected him. His new ego couldn’t take it. He said something about you stringing him along and how Ava would never do that. He’s returning to Sydney as soon as possible. Tonight, even.”
Is that why he hadn’t come to the hotel with me? It had seemed slightly odd that he chose to visit Brett instead of staying with me to face the music with Mom and Brody. I struggle to recall his reaction when I couldn’t answer his proposal and I remember the confusion there, but maybe there was some surprise, too. Had the expression that crossed his features before he turned away been annoyance rather than hurt?
I shove my head into my knees and a scary wail pushes out of me. Brett sits next to me and this time, I let him hold me. Ugly, guttural gasps wrack through me. Brett rocks me against his bear-like body and brushes his palms up and down my arms until the sky turns to charcoal and begins to spit.
As I ponder the endless heavens, the raindrops sparkle like tiny falling gems in the moonlight.
“Jeez,” I finally say, “the world is crying.”
The rain turns torrential and Brett helps me into Ariel’s cabin. He finds another towel, wraps me in it, and sits me on the edge of the bunk. When he goes to boil the kettle to make hot chocolate, a sharp sense of loss spikes through me. I hold myself across the stomach, as if I’ve been cut in half. That’s when I spot the apple, discarded on the nav station just as Drew had discarded me—the lone bite mark turning brown.
“Why didn’t you agree to marry him?” Brett’s words split the silence in two.
I blink at him. Shut my eyes. Open them again.
“I’m not who he thinks I am,” I say, my voice stretched and scratchy.
Brett ambles toward me. He slumps to his knees, his face level with mine. I flip onto my belly. He places a flat palm on my back. “You’ve had a lucky escape, then.” His palm rubs circles over my shirt.
I stare at the discarded apple on the nav table.
“I’m here for you, Shae,” he adds and strokes my hair. “I won’t leave you.”
“There can be nothing between us, Brett, not even now.”
“I’ll simply be the best friend you need.”
“But you’ll never give up, will you?”
He’s quiet for a while, coaxing the ends of my hair through his fingers like a loom. “No. I’ll never give up on you. Never stop loving you. Never stop hoping. No matter what you say.”
I don’t respond. What is there to say? I’ll be leaving soon and will probably never see him again.
“Are you still planning to sail around the world?” he asks.
“Yes. But I need to do it properly. I was rushing into it. Brody made me see that. Ariel doesn’t even have the right communication equipment. I’m going to return to California where I have a lot of yachting friends and my father’s old contacts at the yacht club. They’ll help me raise the funds I need.”
I had considered returning to Townsville, but it hadn’t worked out last time with Mom fussing over me and pressuring me to buckle down and stop sailing.
“You’re going to California?” Brett asks.
“Yes.” I grit my teeth. “Soon.” I won’t stay in Samoa any longer. Not with reminders of Drew everywhere. “My family return to Townsville in two days. Brody and Finn plan to sail Ariel back. Apparently, she’s not safe for anyone to solo sail at the moment. They can do repairs along the way.”
“Then I’m coming with you.” His voice is strident.
“No, Brett. You’re returning to Sydney to start your life, to find professional help, to get your life on the right track.”
“I can do that in California. I’m not leaving you after what’s happened. We helped each other before, we can do it again. I promise I won’t drink, and if I do, you can banish me forever. I’m not expecting anything romantically, but I won’t be talked out of being your friend. Don’t even try.
I’ll book us some flights in the morning.”
Remembering the night when he put the gun to his temple makes my stomach contract. But it’s not as if I can stop him from flying to California. When we arrive, I can distance myself from him. He’ll meet someone else to distract him. Besides, right now, I don’t have any fight left in me.
I inspect Sassy Jam. Despite all our work, she’s not even close to seaworthy. It’s just one more goodbye to come.
Drew
Jamison stands in the doorway in a full suit and tie. His lined face fights not to break apart. “Mr. Vega, thank the heavens. It’s...”
“I’m sorry, Jamison. I understand how much you must have worried.”
“Yes, sir. A trying time. But you’ve returned safely.” He searches behind me, his thin lips taut. I step into the hallway, and he peeks outside again before shutting the door.
“Yes, I’m alone, Jamison,” I say.
“Miss Love? She’s safe?”
“Yes. She’s fine. But we’re done. It’s over.” It takes every ounce of iron will to keep my expression set, to stop it from crumpling. I rub the skin between my eyebrows. “We both must move on with our lives.”
Jamison, standing ramrod straight, browses over me, his thoughts and emotions hidden behind his ‘butler face’.
“Very well, sir.” He picks up the holdall I’d discarded. “Will it be tea in the kitchen or your room?”
“I need a shower… and some sleep.” I walk across the hall and glance at the closed double doors of Dad’s study. I have no one now, not even Brett.
I begin the climb up the stairs. “One last thing, Jamison.” I take the bag from him and find his pale eyes are watery. “Keep Ava Andrews away from me. I never want to see her again.” My voice sounds like someone else’s—someone hard and unemotional. I sound similar to my father before we reunited.
In my bedroom, I observe the expertly made bed in the center. The suit I wore to Dad’s funeral—barely a month ago—hangs on the closet door, a dry cleaner’s plastic bag protecting it. Through the double doors leading to the balcony, the sky is the color of an old bar of soap.
