Pregnant by My Sister's Boyfriend

by Alice Carina

But, when it chanced that they were alone, she didn't smile or move her eyes or utter a sound, she just looked at him with so much pain in her eyes, knowing that she was hurting him even more by displaying how much he'd hurt her, then she walked away, and he stayed paralyzed in place, hurting for losing her, hurting for hurting her, hurting for what he'd lost, hurting for what he'd never have.

  I watched them and I hurt with the guilt of what I'd done, I hurt for my baby who could never be loved after what her existence had destroyed, I hurt for my sister who I'd never seen so hurt, I hurt for Kyle who never thought he'd get so hurt, I hurt for Chad who hurt for me when he should've been happy and free, I hurt for my parents who were watching the lives of their daughters fall apart, unable to do anything, I hurt for my loneliness, my helplessness, my idiocy. We all hurt, and I hurt more each time I saw them hurt and remembered that I'd hurt them all.

  I didn't dare cross dad in the living room which was to the side of the front door, so I never tested his threat by trying to go out, not even to the backyard. I saw Chad and Chelsea at school, but spent my time at home alone.

  My sister was constantly alone in her room, avoiding everybody so that nobody could hurt her again, my parents were alone in their distancing from each other, and I was alone in my father's distancing everybody from me. We were a house of four lonely people whose loneliness couldn't be subdued by each other.

  I started looking forward to school where more distance existed between me and the people I'd hurt and where less distance existed between me and the boy on whose smile I'd grown so dependent. Chad always greeted me with a smile and spent every moment with me trying to make me smile. He sometimes made me skip some classes when I was too upset just so that he could spend more time with me trying to make me smile.

  Despite the fact that I could only see him for a few scattered minutes or missed classes here and there at school, he was always with me on my phone from the moment I entered my house till I fell asleep. We would text while we did our homework and call whenever I got too lonely and missed hearing someone's voice addressing me, or any voice at all; our house had grown too silent, too big, too empty from emotions and conversations and smiles and any sense of family.

  I was sitting on my bed as usual, my hands over my baby and my eyes closed as I imagined what it would be like once she was there with me, not a lonely or a silent moment to be ever again, when I heard a soft knock on my door. At first, I thought I'd imagined the sound, but then Chelsea walked in hesitantly and sat next to me in silence.

  "Your dad was glaring at me so hard I almost ran back home," she told me.

  "He doesn't seem to like the idea of anyone still talking to me," I explained. "I think he'd pull me out of school if it wasn't for all the money he'd spent on it or if that wouldn't mean more time near him."

  "I'm sorry,"

  "I think they'd all prefer it if I went to school and died on the way and never came back. All their problems would go away with me."

  "I'm sorry," she repeated.

  "What are you doing here?" I asked her, I hadn't really talked to her since my family found out the whole truth.

  "Chad called me," she shrugged, "he's worried about you and can't come over himself, so he sent me to try to cheer you up."

  "You don't have to," my voice was too low.

  "Of course, I do. I'm your best friend, it's my job."

  "You wouldn't be my best friend anymore if you knew." I mumbled.

  "If I knew what?" She challenged. "If I knew the reason your house feels haunted? If I knew why Josslyn spends Lunch hour crying in the restroom? If I knew why Kyle wanders the hallways at school like a zombie? If I knew why you constantly look as scared and as guilty as the day Joss and I found out you're pregnant?"

  I looked away and didn't say anything, I couldn't say anything.

  "Katie, I know," she sighed, and my face snapped back in her direction. "I know that Kyle's the father."

  "N-no-no," I was so used to denying the truth to myself. My mouth opened and closed several times as she looked at me with confident knowledge. "How?" I finally managed.

  "I knew the moment I found out you were pregnant," she shrugged. "Why do you think I reacted the way I did?"

  "B-but..."

  "I've known you all my life, Katie; I know you too well. You'd been acting really weird, too jumpy around your own sister, you would get up and leave every time Kyle walked in or his name was brought up even though he used to be the only guy you could talk to, you even once asked Bernetta how he and Josslyn had gotten back together and how long she thought it would take them to break up again. Once I found out you were pregnant, it was easy to put the pieces together."

  "Why didn't you say anything?" I whispered after taking several moments to absorb her words.

  "Why didn't you say anything?" She challenged back, but shook her head when I dropped mine. "I'm not here to argue with you, Katie. I'm supposed to be..." she paused as she grabbed her phone to quote Chad exactly, "cheer her up or at least distract her." Then she looked up at me with a playful smile. "I was used to texting him from your phone when you didn't know what to reply, I never thought the day would come when you two would actually become a couple and he'd text me to talk to you. This is so weird."

  I smiled at her, unable to fake anything more.

  "Okay, let's get to distracting you." She paused for a moment of thought. "Oh, I know, did I tell you that I finally talked to hot-mall-guy?"

  "Really?"

  "Yeah, I invited him to my party."

  "What party?"

  "I have no idea," she chuckled. "We'd been chatting and everything, but I wanted to ask him out on a real date instead of regulating his workplace where he had to talk to me. I walked up to him, looked at him – goodness Katie he's so cute I had no idea what to say, so I ended up asking him to come to a party – my party. I have no idea why that came out, I felt so stupid. It was so weird; I wanted him to say yes and no at the same time."

  "What did he say?"

  "He gave me the perfect chance to ask him somewhere else." Her eyes widened as she animatedly recalled their conversation. "He told me that he didn't like parties, they were loud and there were often drinks and that he'd quit so he couldn't be around all that. It would've been so easy to ask him somewhere else instead, or to open a whole new conversation about his dislike for parties, but I kept insisting that he came to my nonexistent party. I told him that I was only inviting a few people and that it would be more of a get-together than a party, alcohol free."

  "Someone might still show up with drinks..." I pointed out.

  "Show up to where? There was no party!" She reminded me and I laughed. "Anyways," she rolled her eyes, "that was exactly what he said, giving me yet another chance to take back my no-party. But, of course, I was too nervous and caught up in wanting him to say yes to spending time with me that I couldn't just drop it. I told him that no matter what happens, he had to be around what he feared at some point, only then he'd know if he was strong enough to resist it or confront it and only then he'd stop fearing it and thinking about it and then be able to say that he was truly, assuredly done with it."

  "And...?" I prompted.

  "He said yes," she dropped her head dramatically. "Katie, he said yes. Now, I have to convince my parents to let me throw a party, then I have to plan a party, then I have to save up to be able to afford said party, then I have to invite only a selected few to get together and they have to be non-party people yet somehow agree to my party, then I have to actually host the party. I never even stay at a party for more than an hour; I won't be able to ditch my own party and I can't just kick people out when I get bored. How long do parties even last?"

  She kept fretting over her party until she got me to fret over it too, momentarily forgetting about all my other problems and getting me worried over a problem that wasn't really one.

  "You know what?" She suddenly decided. "I'll just ask him out on a normal date, if he says yes, I'll tell him du
ring it that there never was a party or that it got cancelled and I'll get to spend time with him, which is what got me in this mess in the first place."

  "And if he says no?"

  "Then I'll just tell him that he can't come to my party anymore. Either way, problem solved."

  She stayed over for a couple of hours, we talked until she was all out of talking then worked on some homework, but eventually she had to leave; we both didn't dare suggest to my father the idea of her sleeping over.

  "Call me if you need anything," she gave me a reassuring smile as she got up to leave. "It'll get better."

  "I don't think it can,"

  "Of course it will," she insisted. "Things just need sometime. It won't take long now with Kyle leaving. Josslyn will eventually-"

  "What did you just say?"

  "Things just need time?"

  "No, no, about Kyle,"

  "That he's leaving?" she raised an eyebrow. "With him gone, Josslyn won't be reminded of what happened all the time and you'll both forget-"

  "Leaving where?" I interrupted her.

  "I don't know," she shrugged. "I heard he's leaving to be with his parents wherever they are. You know they're always off on some case or another. He'll probably never come back. Katie? Why are you looking at me like that? I thought you knew. It's for the best, isn't it?"

  *

  I waited until everyone was asleep and my father began snoring before I tiptoed to the door, so close to him. If I made any noise, if he stirred, if he opened his eyes but slightly, I would've been gone for.

  I wasn't sure who or what I was risking his anger for, but I had to see Kyle. I knew he'd never talk to me in school in front of his friends. Even if he did, I didn't want people to suspect anything with the scenes he and Josslyn had been causing.

  I closed the door as softly as I could behind me and only breathed when I was a few steps away. I took a deep breath. I'd officially snuck out. I'd only done that twice before, the night I left with Josslyn for my first and only party and the night my pregnancy was discovered and I ran for the streets. Both times had broken me, both ended with my losing a part of myself I could never get back, both nights were forever to be looked back on with never-fading amazement and wondered about and doubted again and again. I took a deep breath and went on my way.

  I didn't know if my dad would go on with his threat of kicking me out if he found out about my sneaking out so late into the night or if he would slap me again or yell at me or hate me even more, I didn't know why I was sneaking out, I just knew that I had to see Kyle and make sure that he wasn't leaving, that it was just a stupid rumor. He couldn't leave.

  I always imagined what it was going to be like when the truth finally came out – because I knew that it was going to eventually. I knew my mom would be confused and not know what to do and choose to do nothing instead, I knew my dad would be furious, I knew my sister would hate me, but I never knew Kyle well enough to predict his reaction. I expected him to be confused, to do nothing, to be furious, to hate me, to reject our daughter, to demand a paternity test, to laugh it off, to deny his involvement and interest, to humiliate me, to hurt me, but it never occurred to me that he would run away, it never crossed my mind that he could.

  It took me twenty minutes to reach his house, all the while thinking of questions and demands and explanations, but my mind was completely blank when I stood outside his door. His car was parked outside and the house was quiet. There was nothing that suggested that it would be empty in less than twelve-hours like Chelsea had assured, but there was nothing that suggested otherwise either.

  How could I explain my presence so late at night on his doorstep when he opened the door? What if I woke him up and it turned out that his leaving was just a bait to soften Josslyn? Why was I there?

  I couldn't answer any of these questions, so I knocked on his door instead.

  He'd been awake and he opened the door within seconds, his eyes hopeful and expecting when they met my face, but dropped to disappointment and pain as they reached my stomach. He looked tired. I looked at the closed boxes near his legs with my own disappointment and pain.

  "You're leaving," I whispered, bringing the words to reality.

  "I have to," he whispered back.

  "Why are you leaving?" I repeated the word, feeling like I was betraying myself by saying it.

  "I can't stay here anymore."

  We stood there for a long time, him staring at my stomach, me staring at the boxes. He shifted his weight with a tired sigh, bent and lifted one of the boxes, then moved around me towards his car.

  It was as he walked away from me that I realized why I was there, why I didn't want him to walk away.

  I always knew that the truth would come out eventually, and a part of me had desperately been hoping for it, not to rid me of my guilt or to end the lies, but for it to really be out. A part of me wanted everyone to know who the father was, almost as much as I didn't want them to. I didn't want to forever be branded as the girl who got pregnant by any guy, or every guy, I didn't want my daughter to be branded as fatherless or anyone's daughter, I didn't want to be the only one at fault.

  We'd created that mess together and I wanted him to suffer the consequences with me. Sure, people would judge me for getting pregnant by my sister's boyfriend, but they would know who I'd gotten pregnant by and they would judge him with me. I wanted someone to share my blame, and nobody else in the world could replace him in that slot.

  His leaving would break me, he was breaking me, he was taking yet another part of me, the redeemable part, the part that could be forgiven and respected again and loved, the part I'd been patiently waiting for, the part that was still keeping me together, the only part left to hope for.

  If he left, I'd be discredited in my truth, there would be no one else for my parents or Josslyn or people or my daughter to hate. If he left, I'd be left exactly where I was then in life, alone and looked down on and hated with my dignity, pride, truth, reality, and everything that I was under the mercy of anyone's wonderings and suspicions. He'd already done so much; he had no right to desert me to face what he'd started on my own.

  "You can't just pack up and leave,"

  "I can and I am." He didn't even look at me as he pushed the box deep into his car so that he could fit more.

  I hated him for what he'd done to me, for being able to leave, for choosing to leave, and most of all, that through everything, he believe that he had a right to the way he treated me and to leaving me, like he was better than me, like I wasn't even worth a glance.

  "You think you're strong, don't you?" My voice rose with anger. "You're so strong and untouchable, you could ignore me, you could bully me, you got me in this mess, you had a strong hold on Josslyn, and now you're so strong that you can choose to leave, but that's only in your head. You thought you could denounce that night but it came to life, and it will always exist in life through our kid. You thought you could hurt me and laugh at me, but now the sight of my stomach terrifies you. You thought your lies were so strong that even if called out they would still hold her heart, but they couldn't even hold you here. And now you think you're choosing to leave, but you're just a coward who's so weak he has to run away because he's too scared to choose to stay. It's not that you're strong enough to choose what to do, you're so weak there's nothing you can do."

  I expected him to yell back, to defend himself, to call me a coward for never speaking the truth either, to hit something, to hit me, but, to my dumbfounding surprise, Kyle started crying.

  "I can't do this," he sobbed. "I'm just a kid, Katelyn. And I know I'm weak, it's what kids are, and I'm running away to my dad because I can't be a dad. I can't do this. I can't be here."

  "I'm a kid, too," I mumbled.

  "And if you could run, wouldn't you?" He asked as he stepped closer, tears streaming down his cheeks. "If you could leave everything behind; all the people you've hurt, the pain in her eyes, the stares, the judgment, the weakness, the baby, the memo
ries that can never be relived, everything. If you could run away from everyone and everything, wouldn't you?"

  I would. I did. I had tried running away from hurting people and her pain and the stares and the judgment and weakness and memories and everything before they had even occurred. I was so weak that I ran away from the mere concepts and then came back to deal with them one at a time. He was dealing with them all at once. I couldn't run away from our baby, but he could, and because there were times when I wished I could, I couldn't hate him.

  "You never should've kept it," he sighed as he moved around me to go into his house and shut the door or to get more boxes or just to move away from me, from me and my baby.

  "Her," I breathed through my own tears.

  "What?" He paused.

  "She's a baby girl,"

  We stood in silence for a very long moment. She was finally being introduced to him, and I felt her moving inside me. He knew about her, her father knew about her, she would forever be real to him from then on, and he'd never forget that there was a part of him alive somewhere he'd run away from.

  I saw his hand move from the corner of my eye towards me, towards my stomach, towards my baby, our baby, his baby, but he never reached her.

  "She's better off without me." He retracted his hand and walked away.

  "What about Josslyn?" I tried.

  "She's better off without me, too." He surrendered.

  "You've only been trying to get her to listen for what? A week? She needs time."

  "This isn't something time can fix," he shook his head as he lifted another box. "In time, the baby will come. In time, she'll be living with what I'd done to her. In time, she'll hate me more."

  "She..." I choked.

  "She'll never forgive me, and you know that more than I do." I did. "It took one look into her eyes to know that she never will; her eyes will never look at me the same. If I'd known the last time that it was going to be the last... I would give anything for just one more minute with her, if I could just say goodbye. If I could say goodbye to her warmth by hugging her one last time, or to her voice by hearing her say that she loves me, or to her eyes, or lips, or just her, the Josslyn I fell in love with, the happy, carefree girl she was before I broke her. I broke her, Katelyn. I broke her."