by Alice Carina
I almost made it through a whole year as one of the luckiest people on the planet. My parents were so in love with Light they couldn't help loving me again for bringing her into their lives; dad paid for everything that she needed and mom watched her when I was at school or doing homework or simply out with Chad and treated her like her own spoiled baby that had finally come after years of being hoped for. My sister and I were closer than ever and she loved it when Light called her mama and couldn't tell us apart when we were standing next to each other both calling out for her. I had a nice, caring boyfriend who accepted me and paid attention to me and enclosed me in a little family when I'd been open to all sorts of speculations before him. And I had my baby, a little girl who was always cheerful and smiling and who made it so easy for everyone to love and accept her and who made me feel so special and important just for having her.
I knew that despite the circumstances I'd gone through, I somehow had the life many people worked hard for years in hopes of having and most never had. I had no idea what I'd done to become so lucky and deserve such happiness, but I was so lucky and happy.
I came back home with mom one Saturday afternoon after spending the day shopping for Light missing her like I hadn't seen her in days. I was used to spending almost every minute of my weekends with her, but mom insisted that I needed to teach my daughter that she was a separate being from me; she said I had to start teaching her that early if I didn't want her to be shocked when she started going to the nursery in a couple of years – as if being away from her at school every day wasn't enough. I thought it was pointless since we left her in the care of Josslyn who looked exactly like me, but I knew that mom just wanted us to spend some time alone together and I went along with it because I needed some time away from everything after my fight earlier with Chad.
We were so compatible and alike that we rarely ever fought, and I knew that that time it was all my fault. The school year was nearly over and I'd decided that I wasn't going to attend college right away. Juggling studying and projects while trying to be there to raise my daughter to make up for her lacking in a father was already hard enough when she rarely did anything more than sleep and crawl around. I knew it was only going to get harder in college when it would coincide with her starting to walk and trying to explore her surroundings and needing much more attention. So, I decided to pause my education until it was time for her to start hers so she'd be busy with her own school while I finished mine.
Chad had already gotten accepted at a local college, so I knew that I would still see him a lot and that the distance wouldn't affect our relationship. But Bernetta, and a few other girls who hated me for making it through a consequence they'd all feared without the everlasting humiliation and loneliness it was supposed to entail, had gotten accepted there too. I didn't think much of it until they discussed it purposely close to my locker and started talking about themselves and all the other beautiful, educated, free girls at college.
I spent the day before avoiding him and being mean to him for no fault of his own other than choosing to be with me, so I was surprised to find him in my living room when I came back home with mom.
Something was wrong. He was sitting there with Josslyn, neither one of them paying attention to Light and both looking pale and serious.
I quickly rushed inside, thinking that something must've happened to Light, but she was playing with her toys on the floor like she did every day with her permanent smile.
"What's going on?" Mom asked when neither Chad nor Josslyn acknowledged her.
Josslyn wiped at her face, obviously having been crying.
"You'll tell them?" She asked him and he nodded without looking at any of us.
Josslyn walked over to Light and carefully picked her up. "Come on, my little light bulb," she sniffed and threw Light in the air and caught her while she giggled.
I always glared at Josslyn when she called my daughter that. Light's first word was actually bub-bub and I believed that she referred to herself as that, but I couldn't do anything but blink as I waited for Chad to talk.
"What's wrong?" Mom asked again.
"He's back," Chad looked at me. "Kyle's back."
Legal Kidnap
Kyle was back in town. I heard from other people that he was asking about me and Josslyn. Everyone told him in passing that I'd had a baby with Chad and exaggerated in telling him about Josslyn's dating life thinking that that was his main concern, but neither one of us saw him until a couple of weeks after we heard about his return.
Josslyn and I were walking down the street one day when she suddenly stopped moving. I tried asking her what had happened, but she wouldn't look at me. I followed her gaze and saw Kyle making his way towards us. I couldn't move either.
He stood in front of us and not one of us moved or said anything for a very long time.
"Can we talk?" He finally looked up at me, then lowered his eyes back to the ground without looking at Josslyn.
I felt her pull at my arm and we practically ran away from him. I couldn't understand what he wanted to talk to me about, was it possible that he'd mistaken me for Josslyn since I was back to my pre-pregnancy figure which was identical to hers? We didn't talk about it when we went back home, but we stopped going out for walks.
Another week went by before Kyle approached me again. I was walking back home from Chelsea's after finishing our project when I found him suddenly walking beside me.
"We need to talk," he told me when I stopped without looking at me.
"There's nothing to talk about." Everything was perfect, I couldn't let him ruin it and come between me and anyone that I loved again.
"I just want to see her,"
"I'm not stopping Josslyn from seeing you," I looked at him with confusion. "You should talk to her, not me."
"No, I mean..." He looked at me then quickly averted his gaze. "The girl... Light..." I had no idea how he knew her name, but hearing him say it sickened me. "Our baby," I didn't know what those words did to me or how I ended up doing it, but I slapped him even before he'd closed his mouth.
The idea of him thinking of her as his daughter after running away from her, as our daughter, as someone that bound me to him forever with that title or as someone that he had a right to infuriated me.
I left him dumbfounded and literally ran back home. He was her father, whether I liked it or not, she was in fact our daughter, I was bound to him forever with that title no matter what happened and I couldn't stop crying. I cried so hard that Light started crying and neither of us could stop until mom called Chad and he came and took me into his arms.
No, Chad was her father; Light believed it, Chad didn't mind it, and I wanted it. Kyle had no place in our family.
I didn't know why he came back or how long he was planning on staying, but I let myself hope that he'd left when several weeks passed without any sign or news of him.
We were during our last week of school and Chad and I were inseparable because I knew that we wouldn't be able to spend as much time together when he went to college, and Josslyn was spending as much time as possible with her friends because they all knew nothing would be the same after high school, so we often left Light with mom.
Mom loved spending all of her time with Light that people who hadn't known about my pregnancy thought she was hers and just my sister, but sometimes, when she needed to get groceries or go somewhere for a bit too long and she worried that Light would get uncomfortable and fester, she left her at a small nursery that had recently opened down our street.
Mom insisted that the woman who ran the nursery was the daughter of her friend and that Light would be well taken care of and that it would be better for Light to be around other children her age and get used to other people so I wouldn't have to take a break for more than a year or two. Light always seemed happier after a day at the nursery with other kids, so mom kept her there for a few hours on Mondays and Thursdays even when she was free.
I didn't know how long Kyle
watched us to know that.
I went with Josslyn after school on Thursday to pick Light up, but one of the girls who worked there told us that someone else had already picked her up – a man. At first, we thought it was dad, but then we remembered that he was on a business trip for the rest of the week, and I'd just left Chad at school because he had practice. There were no other men in Light's life.
Josslyn completely freaked out and starting yelling at the girl for giving Light away for anybody without knowing who he was. The girl instantly started crying and offered to call the police to report a kidnap.
"I'm so sorry, I'm new, he said he was her father and she looked a lot like him," the girl sobbed, "I didn't know what else to do."
Josslyn and I ran. We didn't know if he was living at his old house, but we ran there as fast as we could. It never occurred to us to call anyone or to take a cab, we just ran there in panic and arrived sweaty and out of breath.
"Kyle!" Josslyn screamed at the top of her lungs while I pounded my fist against the door, nearly breaking it or my hand when I heard my baby crying from inside.
A woman in her early forties opened the door with annoyance.
"What are you-?" She began but I quickly pushed past her and into the house, following my baby's screams.
I found him sitting next to her and trying to distract her with a bunch of toys. She screamed louder when she saw me and I quickly ran to her.
"Are you out of your mind?" I screamed as I picked her up.
"You wouldn't let me see her," he argued.
"After everything you've done, after making it clear that you didn't want her and even asking me to abort her, you come here now and kidnap her? Have you gone absolutely mad?"
"I have a right to see her," he insisted. "She's my daughter, too." He said the words that made my body shake.
"Don't you ever call her that again!" I screamed over my baby's screams. "Where were you when she was born or when she was sick or when she needed you? Do you think this is a game? Do you think you can do whatever you please with actual people? You walked away, Kyle. You don't get to come back."
"I wasn't ready then..." He trailed off, looking at the floor.
"You think I was? You think you are now? You kidnapped her. You scared her and took her away without thinking about what that would do to her, you'll never be ready to call her yours."
"I-"
"You don't have to answer her," the woman interrupted him in a monotone voice before turning to me. "My son thinks he's that child's biological father. Of course, I will demand a DNA test, but shall it come back positive, he has legal, paternal rights. It was not illegal of him to leave, but it would be illegal for you to keep him from his constitutional rights."
"Legal? You want to talk about illegal things?" Josslyn fought back and Kyle's face twisted into a grimace. "Your son kidnapped my niece. When did kidnap become legal?"
"You say he kidnapped her, I say he saved her." His mother shrugged.
"Saved her?" Josslyn screamed incredulously.
"I've had time to examine the child," his mother nodded. "She has a scar on her knee and two bruises on her abdomen. For all we know, she might be suffering from abuse at the hands of an incompetent parent."
"Abuse?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Light had fallen a couple of days before while attempting to stand up when I was in the bathroom and hurt herself. She hardly cried for more than a minute and I hadn't left her alone while awake since. "You actually believe that?" I turned to Kyle with utter confusion. What in the world had brought him back?
"It doesn't matter what he believes," his mother kept her professional, monotone voice. "All that matters is what I can make a jury believe." I suddenly remembered that both of his parents were very highly esteemed lawyers. Was that how they won their cases – by lies that could be proved faster than the truth?
"You're crazy," Josslyn pulled at my arm and started leading me towards the door.
"You don't have to let them go," his mother told him and we froze. "We can call the police and file a suit right now."
"Haven't you done enough?" Josslyn addressed Kyle for the first time and his eyes were bloodshot when he looked up at her. "Haven't you hurt us enough?"
"I-I just wanted to see her," he mumbled and tears fell from his eyes.
"So you'll take her away from us to do that?"
"I would never do that... I...."
"If you want to call the police, they can come and arrest us at home." She told his mother. "You snuck in often enough to know where it is," she glared at Kyle - who instantly lowered his eyes - and led me to the door.
"We'll meet in court." His mother assured as she closed the door quietly behind us.
Ready
I spent days researching about his parents – they'd never lost a single case. They had the money, time, and detachment to drag us through courts for years; I couldn't put my daughter through that.
If they won; he could take her away forever, or he would have shared custody, or be able to visit her and see her and decide things for her whenever he pleased. If we went to court, he would win and he would have the upper hand in everything concerning her when he didn't even know her or care about her. I couldn't go to court.
I found myself holding my baby too tightly when I carried her, watching her too closely as she slept, checking that the door was locked too many times at night, closing the windows and looking through the curtains with fear and dread for too long.
Kyle didn't approach me again, but he did try calling a few times in which I stared at the phone in horror while holding my baby until I became paranoid. I couldn't leave the house, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't focus on anything, I couldn't let my baby out of my sight, I couldn't do anything but hold her and strain with panic for any noise from outside.
I couldn't go to court, and I couldn't wait in fear for him to drag me there, so I agreed to see him.
We met at the park where the last time I'd been Chad had gotten scolded for being with me. I'd felt uncomfortable at that park since - which was why I often took Light to a small garden instead. I arrived earlier than we'd agreed, but he was already there, sitting on a bench with his legs shakings and his head between his hands.
I was afraid to go near him, as if he would be able to read my mind and know everything about my daughter and when best to kidnap her and distract her forever from any thoughts of me, but I was also afraid to leave after I saw him; I was finally looking at him instead of looking for him, and I was worried that if I let him out of my sight now that I finally caught him that he would outrun me to my house and take her again as revenge.
His head was lowered and he didn't look up until I stood before him for the first time in a very long time that was still too short when his eyes finally met mine. He stood up quickly and looked at me, and we just stood there staring at each other with pain that only led to more pain whenever we stood next to each other; just like we did in front of his house when he ran away or at the top of the stairs at that party where everything started.
He looked at me and instantly started crying. It seemed like a natural reaction to seeing me for him to fall back down to his seat, hiding his face and sobbing.
I didn't feel any kind of pity for him; I couldn't feel anything but anger and hatred towards him after what he'd done to my baby. People passed us by and stared strangely at me; there was a grown up guy sitting in front of me and shaking with sobs while I just stood there and watched. I quickly grew irritated with their never ending judgment despite the very little context they had. I sighed loudly so that he would hear my annoyance as I sat next to him to avoid their curiosity, but I didn't want to sit next to him, I didn't want to see him cry, I didn't want him there, I didn't want that whole situation.
"Why did you come back?" I asked, wanting that meeting to be over and done with as quickly as possible. "We were finally doing okay. Do you have any idea how long it took for things to be okay?"
It
was a long time before he whispered; "I'm not okay."
"Why should I care? You didn't care when I wasn't okay because of you, why should I care when you're not okay and I have nothing to do with it?"
"I didn't leave because I didn't care," he shook his head without looking at me. "I left because I wasn't ready."
"And you're ready now?"
"No,"
I was ready to scream at him and slap him again for thinking of my baby as a game that he could play with whenever he felt ready, but the fact that he said he wasn't shocked me into a moment of silence. If he ran away because he wasn't ready, why did he come back when he still wasn't? But my curiosity was very short lived as I realized that he didn't even feel the need to have a reason to come back, he just did.
"Then go back," I tried to act calm as I suggested, hoping that he was already wavering and just needed somebody else to make it okay for him to change his mind so quickly after he changed it by coming.
"I can't..."
"Yes, you can. You've done it before when I begged you not to go, you can do it now when I'm begging you to. Please, just go away."
"Why is it such a bad thing that I'm here?" His voice rose in unexpected anger. "I am her father, aren't I? Shouldn't you be happy that I'm taking responsibility?"
"I don't need you to take responsibility anymore, somebody else took it for you and did it better than you ever could."
"That's not fair."
"Fair?" I almost jumped up with anger but a couple passed us by and I struggled to keep my voice from rising. "You want to talk about fair? How was it fair when you and your friends turned me into your punch line? How was it fair when you left me alone to face everyone with what you helped do? How is it fair that you're back just when everything is finally becoming okay? When we were all finally healing from what you did?"
"How is it fair that you get a second chance to make things okay but I don't?" His voice dropped with his head.
"You just said it yourself that you're still not ready for a second chance!"
