by Alice Carina
"But what if now is the only time she's ready to give it?"
"What are you talking about?'
"Look," he sighed. "When I left, I never thought in a million years that I'd come back begging to see her, I never thought I'd even think about her, but..."
"Then why did you?"
"You wouldn't understand..."
"Try me," I was so close to getting up and leaving, but maybe if I knew his reason I could prove to him that it wasn't a real one and he'd be the one to leave again forever.
"I..." He paused for a moment, shook his head, and took a deep breath that only made him look weaker. "I didn't tell my parents what happened, I just showed up and they let me in without asking any questions. I wondered a lot about her, especially after the time I knew she'd be born. I tried not to, but I couldn't get her out of my mind. I tried spending more time with my dad, hoping I'd learn how to be a good dad from him, but I don't think he knows how to be a good dad either..."
Something about the way that he was talking calmed me. He was talking about being all alone, about looking out for someone for help but not finding any, about avoiding problems – avoiding her – and not being able to because she became a part of us the night we created her. He was talking about things I knew too well and still felt every time someone looked at me with judgment or pity.
"He thought I was interested in learning more about his work, and he knew his work really well it's like he was a better father to his position than to me. He didn't ask anything about me, because he didn't know anything about me, he didn't even notice that anything was wrong or out of the ordinary with me suddenly being there around him all the time." He shook his head, knowing that he was getting off track. "Anyway, I went with him once to see his client at a hospital, but I wasn't allowed to listen into their conversation, so I decided to walk around the halls until he finished."
He took a longer pause and I didn't say anything; I knew that he was about to confess his reason for the first time out loud.
"There was this old man sitting on his bed alone in his room. The door was open and I saw him struggling to sit up comfortably. I don't know what it was about him, but he just looked so small and alone that I walked in and helped him and then just sat there, watching TV with him without a word. But then an hour passed and I knew my dad would get angry if he had to look for me – if he even remembered that he'd brought me with him, so I asked the man if he wanted me to stay a bit longer until someone came to sit with him, but he said that no one was coming. He said it with a shrug, like it was the most normal thing in the world for a sick man in his eighties to be completely alone. When I asked him why, he said that he was never there for his kids when they were weak and needed him, so why should they be there for him? He said it so calmly, so matter of factually, with complete acceptance that I couldn't accept it."
He suddenly turned to me, as if expecting me to not understand or accept it either.
"And, then, it hit me." His eyes widened with emotion. "When my grandpa died, my dad wasn't there for him; he just sent flowers and stayed in his office. And I suddenly realized that if my dad was sick or something, I wouldn't really care, because he was never there for me when I needed him, I was standing right before him at a time when I needed him the most, and he didn't care enough to ask or even notice that there was something wrong with me, so why should I? I suddenly hated him so much that I wanted to leave and never see him again just so that I wouldn't turn up like him, but then I realized that I was just like him; running was in our blood. When my grandpa found himself as the head of a family larger than what he was financially ready for, he ran away from them and started a new one. When my dad had me before he was emotionally ready, he ran away from me and into his clients' problems. When I found out that I had a baby without being any kind of ready, I ran away just like them. And when I grow old and need someone there, my own baby won't be there for me, because I wasn't ready to be there for her when she was born ready to need me. But she doesn't know that now, not yet, maybe..."
"No..." I could hardly breathe.
"Katie,"
"I can't..."
I understood him. I couldn't believe it, but we actually had more in common than our baby. When my dad found out about my pregnancy, he ran away too just like his father did, only he did it while standing right beside me and pretending that he wasn't. It was because of my dad that I was so attached to my daughter and wanted to constantly be by her side. Light was my second chance at a family where no one would run away.
"I'm not asking for any rights," his voice was pleading. "I know I gave them all up, I just want to see her every now and then, just to have a chance with her, just to have a chance at something."
"You can't d-"
"She doesn't even have to know I'm her father," he quickly interrupted me. "I just want to be somewhere in her life, even if it's just in the background. I just want to be someone that she knows, someone who gets to say sorry in time, someone who gets to care about her, someone she would eventually care enough about to be there for him on his dying bed. I just..."
Didn't I run away too? Didn't I run away from everyone I hurt because I couldn't handle how much I'd hurt them? Didn't I often wish I could've run away from my own baby? Had I been able to leave her behind along with everybody else when I ran away, wouldn't I have?
I couldn't stay there anymore.
"I don't want to take this to court." I stood up, unable to keep remembering all the things I'd felt a long time ago that he was then feeling.
"I wouldn't..." He sighed. "I would never do that."
I started walking away.
"Katie, please," he begged, but I didn't lookback as I left the park, went home, and cried as I hugged my baby.
Her Choice
"No, no, no," Josslyn stood up with anger.
"Absolutely not," Chad stood beside her.
"Have you completely lost your mind?"
"Why did you even see him?"
"You can't let him back in after everything,"
"Are you actually serious about this?"
"How can you let him back in?"
"I can't believe you really went to see him,"
Josslyn and Chad spoke over each other in disbelief. They were shocked, angry, outraged, and objecting, just like I'd expected them to be.
Mom and dad were very understanding of my decision regarding Kyle; they were practical and objective in accepting that we could not afford to go to court and risk losing Light especially since we still had the upper hand with Kyle agreeing to anything I decided fit.
My parents' approval, however, did not give me any hope for my conversation with Josslyn and Chad. My parents only ever knew Kyle as Josslyn's boyfriend who she kept many things about and their relationship from, but Josslyn and Chad knew him first hand, spent hours and days at school with him, and were personally in pain because of him.
"I didn't want to see him and don't want to let him back in," I tried to explain to them, "but I don't have a choice."
"You chose to see him and you're choosing to let him back in." Chad argued, raising his voice with barely contained anger.
"How can you do this to me?" Josslyn yelled. "This isn't even your choice to make."
"I know it's not," I screamed back, "which is exactly why I'm doing this. Whether we like it or not, he is Light's father, and only she can choose to accept him as such or not, I can't take that choice away from her."
"She-"
"Do you think this is easy for me to do?" I couldn't hear the pain in her voice anymore knowing that I was causing it. "Don't you see that this is the hardest on me? You were in love with him, at least you liked him for a while, at least you have beautiful memories of him, at least you can remember him for something good, but I hate him; I have nothing but terrible memories of and with him. That night with him was terrible, the way he ignored me after was terrible, his bullying was terrible, he left me to deal with everything in the most terrible way, then he cam
e back at the most terrible time, and his kidnapping of my baby with full rights to do so was terrible. He took everything from me. You think I wanted to get pregnant in high school? You think I like being looked at and judged for the rest of my life? You think I liked losing you and everyone else? You think I like seeing the person I hate most in the eyes of the person I love the most? Everything is wrong because of him and I hate him, so stop treating me like this is something that I wanted."
"Then why are you doing this?" Chad asked when Josslyn remained stunned.
"Light..." I sighed. "It will be hard enough to explain to her one day that I was never in love with her father and that she was a mistake that a part of me will always regret even if just for the fact the he of all people is her father. I can't let my own feelings for him decide hers. It will be impossible to explain to her why I pushed her father away from her when he came begging for a second chance. I'm terrified that she'll then hate me and go out looking for him and he'll have control over her without me being there to control him, or that he'll hate me enough to actually take this to court and have a chance at winning her. We can't lose her by his choice or hers..."
Josslyn didn't say anything. She waited until I was done talking then ran up to her room without another word.
"You know he's not actually going to stay, right?" Chad continued arguing after she left. "Wouldn't that put Light in much more pain when he leaves after she gets attached to him?"
"I don't think he's going to leave this time," I hated how sure I was of that more than Chad did. "He seems sincere, desperate even. He doesn't have anything else. He needs her more than she'll ever need him and he knows that."
"And that's enough to forgive him?"
"I know that Light would," I shrugged. "I know that if he waited ten or twenty more years and came back and told her the story that he told me, she'd forgive him."
Wasn't Light my own second chance at everything? Wasn't she my second chance with my parents and with my sister and with myself? Didn't she smile at me every day almost as if she knew she was saving me and was happy to save me just because I was her mother? Wouldn't she want to save her father too?
"Okay," he nodded and made his way to the door.
"Where are you going?"
"Well, clearly I don't have a place here anymore." He said as he opened the door without turning back and went outside.
"Wait," I ran after him. "What are you talking about?"
"It's sort of convenient if you think about it," he shook his head without looking back at me. "I'll be busy with college and everything and she got a new dad who actually has a right to be her dad and-"
"Is that what this is about?" I quickly moved around so I was standing in front of him. "You think he's going to replace you?"
"I was never anything for him to replace," his voice was choked and my heart broke. Why was everyone that I loved in pain because of me - because of him? "I was just standing in for him until he wanted to take back his role."
"But he doesn't have a role," I took his hands in mine and stepped closer to him. "No one can take your place, not in my heart and not in hers. You were there for her before she was even born, you took responsibility for her in front of everyone when you had none, you were there when she was born and when she was sick and for her first laugh and first word."
"But he-"
"He's her father, nothing can change that, but you're her dad, and nothing can change that either, not him, not even me."
"But so many things will change." He insisted.
"I know," I couldn't argue with that. "But it'll be okay."
"How are you not affected by this? How can you be so sure nothing bad is going to happen?"
"I'm not," I confessed. "I don't know anything for sure; his mother might insist on taking this to court, he might find Light too much and leave again, she might grow up and hate me either way, and everything might change. But you helped me get through when everything changed the first time and we weren't really anything, I think I can do it again when you're my baby's dada and my everything."
He was silent for a moment as he blinked at me, as if he hadn't expected my answer to be that simple, as if he hadn't known how simple he made everything.
"I love you," he finally smiled and kissed me.
"We'll be okay,"
Second Chances
Before moving on to the final chapter, I would like to just talk about the story a little bit; explain why I wrote it, deleted it, then brought it back and talk about its general theme and style. If you're not interested, you can ignore this and come back when I upload next time, but, if you are, well, here we go...
I think the main reason I first wrote this story was because everybody was doing some version of a pregnancy story. It was one of the hottest trends a few years back and I always like to explore new things. However, most of the plot lines seemed too similar and a bit unrealistic. Despite the fact that the title of the story was sort of lame and that the beginning was predictable (being forced to go to a party, never felt loved, etc...), I wanted this story to stand out. I wanted a real story, something that could happen in the real world and in the real world many women get pregnant against their desires and many fathers flee. I wanted a story where the girl wasn't necessarily in love with the boy who'd gotten her pregnant, a story where the girl still maintained a crush on someone she liked just like any other girl her age, a story where the main character was both the victim and the offender – which is the real-life case of almost every situation. I wanted the pregnancy to be a sole mistake, not a love story or a bonding experience or a happily-ever-after gateway, but just a mistake that can be compared to any other in any person's life; an irrevocable mistake that we have to live with, not because we like it or appreciate it, but simply because it's irrevocable.
Katie could've had an abortion, she could've offered her baby for adoption, she could've denied Kyle's relation to her baby, she could've done a lot of things and spared herself the consequences of what she had done, but she didn't. It was hard – as you all read the terrible drama that she had to endure – but she walked out of it with a beautiful baby, a loving boyfriend, and a clear conscience. Through all of that, I was hoping to pass on my deep belief that everything turns out okay in the end. No matter how depressing or helpless a situation might be, I always believe in a light at the end of the tunnel. We all do stupid, crazy, reckless mistakes that might have much more consequences than we wish to handle, but pushing them onto somebody else's shoulders or neglecting them excludes us from life – the ups and downs are a package deal that we all deal with differently.
You see, Katelyn had a point. Josslyn had a point. Chad had a point. Kyle had a point. Chelsea had a point. Seth had a point. Each and every single one of these characters had a different perspective on several matters and they all had valid points. Being right doesn't mean that other people's contradicting opinions are wrong. Putting yourself in somebody else's shoes and trying to see the situation through their eyes – taking into consideration their surroundings, their feelings, their mentality, their influences – can really go a long way. Pictures can be observed correctly from different angles.
The reason I made Katelyn young is because I wanted it to be her first mistake – we don't often get to miss a few strikes before we hit a disaster, some mistakes are made quickly and unthinkingly. I also wanted her to be at the age where peer-pressure is said to have its most influence.
We are always surrounded by people. Whether in school, college, university, work, on the street, or even at home, we are surrounded by people who do or see things differently than how we do. Most people get pressured into things that they don't wish to do or be just for the sake of not feeling left out. But there's nothing wrong with being smarter or more careful than others in some situations, there's nothing wrong with waiting for the right person/job/opportunity, there's nothing wrong with waiting for yourself because nobody else will wait for you even when you're trying so hard to chase
them, there is nothing wrong with knowing your worth and not settling for anything less than love because you're worth it.
The main two love couples in this story were 'Katelyn and Chad' and 'Josslyn and Kyle', and there was a glimpse of 'Chelsea and Seth'. Katelyn, Josslyn, and Chelsea were complete opposites. Chad, Kyle, and Seth hardly shared a thing as well. Yet, they all found love – even if it didn't last; they loved and they were loved. The right person will love you for who you are, without your having to change anything about yourself. Just because a friend or someone found love by following a certain route, doesn't mean that your guy/girl is at the end of that road as hers/his was. Everyone deserves to love and to be loved, and the best love is when you love with all that you are and get loved for who you are.
Speaking of love; I'll just take a moment to talk about Chad. His perfection was one of the biggest flaws of this story; he remained unchanging in his kindness and affection throughout (almost) the whole story, but, in a way, his perfection was the perfect symbolism. I think of Chad as the person or dream or goal that we all fantasize about in our heads when younger, then convince ourselves that we don't deserve as we grow older and mess a few things up like all humans naturally do. People who end up in a situation like Katie's (or who at least share her guilt from completely different situations) usually end up with people who are mean or even abusing. So many people – who might have never been anything but good - get tired of waiting for a decent partner or lose faith in their self-worth and settle for people who treat them terribly. That was the whole point of Chad's character. No matter what you did in your past and how guilty and little it makes you feel and no matter how long it takes for the right person to show up, always remember that nothing forfeits your birthright to love. No matter who you are, what you look like, what you've done in the past, how broken many people have left you, you deserve to be loved. Whether you find him in the form of a colleague or a friend or a parent or a life partner, always remember that you deserve someone in your life who is Caring, Honest, Attentive, Devoted. You deserve a CHAD.
