The Cheerful Smugglers
Page 2
II
THE BOX OF BON-BONS
The financial arrangements of the Fenelbys were extremely simple.Every week Mr. Fenelby received his salary and brought every cent ofit home to Laura. Out of this she handed him back a sum that wasunvaryingly the same, and with this Mr. Fenelby paid his car-fares,bought his evening papers, his cigars, and such other little thingsas a man finds necessary. It was a very small sum, and Mr. Fenelbycould not have afforded the pleasures of a club, nor many otherthings he did afford, had he not been able to add to his purse bywriting occasional bits of fiction and jokes for the lightermagazines. Some months this additional money amounted to quite asum, and when it more than paid his expenses, he would make Laura alittle present, but it was understood that this money was his, andthat it was something quite outside the regular income of thefamily, and not to be counted on for household expenses. The resultwas that sometimes Mr. Fenelby had quite a sum in his pockets, andsometimes he had hard work to make his car-fare money last throughthe week.
But one thing he never neglected was to bring home to his wife a boxof bon-bons every Saturday evening, and one of the things that Mrs.Fenelby flaunted before her female friends was the fact thatalthough she had been married for five years Tom never missed thebox of candy. This was the visible sign that his love had notdeclined, and that he still had a lover's thoughtfulness.
On the Friday after the Fenelby Tariff had been adopted, Mr. Fenelbycame home with a box of cigars under his arm. It was his usual boxof twenty-five, and the usual brand, for which he paid ten centseach, and after he had kissed Laura he gaily deposited twenty-fivecents in Bobberts' bank. This was the first money he had put in thebank under the new tariff laws, and he took an especial pleasure indepositing it. Mrs. Fenelby had put many pennies and nickels in thebank during the week, because she had had to buy a number of thingsfrom the vegetable man, and others.
"How much did you put in, dear?" asked Mrs. Fenelby, as she heardthe coin rattle down among its fellows.
"A quarter," said Mr. Fenelby, gaily. "I tell you, Laura, that boywill soon have a lot of money if it keeps coming in at that rate. Aquarter here, and a quarter there! It is amazing how it mounts up."
"Yes," she answered. "But shouldn't you put in seventy-five cents,Tom? Cigars are a luxury, aren't they? And you know you saidluxuries were thirty per cent."
Mr. Fenelby turned quickly.
"Nonsense!" he said. "Any man will tell you that cigars are anabsolute necessity. Just as much so as food or drink or clothing.Every one knows that, Laura."
Bobberts]
"Why, Tom," said Mrs. Fenelby, "you told me, only last night, when Imerely hinted that you were smoking too much, that you could quitany minute you chose, and that it had no hold on you whatever. Yousaid you only smoked a little for the pleasure it gave you, and thatthere was no danger at all of its ever becoming a necessity to you.Of course, I don't care, for myself, what you put in the bank, but Ishould not think you would want to rob poor little Bobberts of whathe really should have, just because you can twist out of it byclaiming--"
There were signs of tears, and Mr. Fenelby cheerfully stepped upand dropped fifty cents more into the bank. It was one of hisperiods of plenty, and he would have been willing to put dollarsinto the bank, instead of quarters, rather than have Laura think hewas trying to defraud Bobberts. He explained to Laura that all hewanted to know was what he really ought to pay, and then he wouldpay it cheerfully. Probably all men are like that. They only want tohave their taxes assessed fairly, and they will pay them joyfully.One of the prettiest sights imaginable is to see the tax-payersgleefully crowding to pay their taxes. I say imaginable, because itis one of the sights that has to be imagined.
The next evening was warm, and Bobberts was sleeping nicely, so Mrs.Fenelby walked part of the way to the station to meet Tom when hecame home, and her eyes brightened when she saw the square parcelthat she knew to be the box of candy, in his hand. He kissed her,right there on the street, as suburban husbands are not ashamed todo, and put the box of candy in her hand.
"And what do you think my news is?" he asked, after he had askedabout Bobberts. "Brother Bill is coming to make us that visit thathe has been promising for ever so long--"
"Tom!" cried Laura. "And what do you think my news is? Kitty iscoming to spend two weeks with us! Isn't that the jolliest thing youever heard of? Both coming at the same time! I wonder if they--"
"Well," said Tom, who generally had a pretty clear idea of whatLaura meant to say next, "if they did fall in love with each other,it would not be such a bad match. Your cousin Kitty is as nice asany girl I know, and I rather think Billy isn't such a bad sort.Anyway, they will make it pleasant for each other."
"It will brighten us up all around to have them here," said Mrs.Fenelby. "I wonder whether we ought to make them pay tariff onthings. That was the first thing I thought of, when I read thatKitty meant to visit us. It does seem a little like inhospitality,to make them pay tariff."
"Not a bit!" said Tom. "They will like it. It will be a lot of funfor them, and you know it will, Laura. Would we like to be left outof anything of that kind if we were visiting any one? Of course not.I don't know Kitty as well as you do, but speaking for Billy I cansay that he would be mighty hurt if we did not treat him just as wetreat the rest of the family. He will think it is a jolly game."
"I am not afraid of how Kitty will take it, when I tell her it isall for the benefit of Bobberts. She will be wild about the tariff.The only thing I am afraid of is that she will go and buy things shedoesn't need or want, just in order that she can put money inBobberts' bank," said Mrs. Fenelby. "I told Bridget about the tariffto-day, and she was so interested! Every one I tell about it thinksit is a splendid idea, and wonders how you could think of it."
"I do think of some things that other people do not think of," saidMr. Fenelby, rather proudly; "but that is because I accustom myselfto use my brains."
"But it is surprising how a little thing like this tariff countsup!" said Mrs. Fenelby. "My bills this week were fourteen dollars,and I had to put a dollar and forty cents into Bobberts' bank, andthen I had to pay Bridget's month's wages to-day, but I didn't haveto pay any tariff on that, and I had to pay the gas bill, too; but Ididn't have to pay any tariff on that, thank goodness--"
"Of course you have to pay tariff on the gas bill!" exclaimed Mr.Fenelby. "The gas came into the house, didn't it?"
"But you said I didn't have to pay tariff on the rent bill," arguedLaura; "and the rent bill is just as much a bill as the gas bill is.You know very well, Tom, that we always figure on those three thingsas if they were just alike--the rent, and the gas, and Bridget,--andI don't see why, if there is a tariff on gas why there should not beone on rent."
"Rent isn't a thing that comes into the house," explained Mr.Fenelby. "You can't _see_ rent."
"You can't see gas," said Mrs. Fenelby.
"You can see it if it is lighted," said Mr. Fenelby, "and you cansmell it any time you want to. Gas is a real object, or thing, andwe buy it, and it pays a duty."
"Very well," said Mrs. Fenelby. "Then I ought to pay duty onBridget, too. She is a real thing, and we pay money for her, just asmuch as we do for gas, and she is a thing that comes into the house.If I don't pay on Bridget, I don't see why I should pay on the gas.The next thing you will be saying that Bridget is a luxury, and thatI ought to pay thirty per cent. on her! Probably I ought to pay aduty on Bobberts! I don't think it is fair that I should pay oneverything. I will not pay ten per cent. on the gas bill.Everything seems to come the same day."
"Laura!" exclaimed Mr. Fenelby, with sudden joy, "you don't have topay on the gas bill this month! I wonder I hadn't thought of it.That gas bill is for gas used before the tariff was adopted! And nowthat you know about it, you will expect to pay next month."
"I shall warn Bridget again about using so much in the range," saidLaura. "We shall have to economize very carefully, Tom. I can seethat. The tariff is going to make our living very expensive."
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They had reached the house, and had lingered a minute on the porch,and now they went inside, for they heard the dinner-bell tinkle.
"You had better drop eight cents in the bank before you forget it,"said Mrs. Fenelby.
"Eight cents?" inquired Tom, quite at a loss to remember what he wasto pay eight cents for.
"Eight cents," repeated his wife. "For the candy. It is eighty centsa pound, isn't it? But it is a luxury, isn't it? That would betwenty-four cents!"
"Yes, twenty-four cents," said Tom, smiling. "Twenty-four cents; butI don't pay it. You pay it."
"_I_ pay it!" cried Mrs. Fenelby. "The idea! I didn't buy the candy.I didn't even ask you to buy it, Tom, although I am very glad tohave it, and you are a dear to bring it to me. But you are the oneto pay for it. You bought it."
"My dear," said Mr. Fenelby, "whoever brings a thing into the housepays the duty on it. I gave you the box of candy when we were a fullblock from the house, and you accepted it, and it was your propertyafter that, and you brought it into the house, and you must pay theduty on it."
For a moment Mrs. Fenelby was inclined to be hurt, and then shelaughed.
"What is it?" her husband asked, as he seated himself at his end ofthe table, and unfolded his napkin.
"I'll pay the twenty-four cents; but please don't bring me any morecandy," she said. "I can't afford presents. But that wasn't what Iwas laughing about. I just happened to think of Will and Kitty. Willthey have to pay duty on their trunks and all the things they havein them? Kitty has the most _luxurious_ dresses, and luxuries paythirty per cent. If she will have to pay on them perhaps I hadbetter telegraph her to come with only a dress suit-case."
They did not telegraph Kitty. About a week later Kitty arrived, andthe next day Billy came, and to each the Fenelbys explained theFenelby Tariff, on the way up from the station. Both thought it wasa splendid idea, and agreed to uphold the tariff law and abide by itand be governed by it, and when Mrs. Fenelby handed Kitty'sbaggage-checks to Tom and asked him to see that the three trunkswere sent over from the city and delivered at the house, Mr. Fenelbyhad no idea what was in store for him.
"Mrs. Fenelby handed Kitty's baggage-checks to Tom"]