"I'm sorry about last night," I whisper, my heart pounding. Now that the moment's here, I'm not even sure where to begin unburdening myself. There's so much between us…so much I never got to tell him. So many things I've regretted for a long damn time.
"There is no other woman," he says. He fidgets, rocking on his heels and then running a hand through his hair. He looks out into the yard and then down at his feet. "Little Mama is like a sister to me. Her husband, Tristan, is probably the only real friend I've had since…well, in a long time. I had to come back. The guy who took her wanted to do some seriously fucked up shit. Letting that happen wasn't an option."
"Oh." I swallow and then lick my lips, feeling guilty for being jealous. It's such a petty, destructive emotion, one I promised myself I would never give into. But I did yesterday. That shames me. "Is…is she okay?"
"Not really, but she will be. She's got Tristan. He'll make sure she's straight."
"That's good then."
We drift off, both peering everywhere but at each other. I stare out into the yard. The flowerbeds will need to be weeded soon. Dandelions keep popping up all over the place.
"Are you staying for long?" I ask to fill the silence and then peek up at him.
He's watching me this time, a furrow between his brows.
"Didn't plan on it, but who knows?" He shrugs, that furrow growing deeper. His face is so much more severe than it used to be. There's a darkness there, a wildness that I only ever saw once—the day he got into a fight with Cody Love in the park because Cody was talking shit about me. There was murder in his eyes that day, and I see it there again now.
He's not the same boy he used to be. He's all man now, with ten years' worth of history I know nothing about. It weighs heavily on him. The haunted weariness in his eyes leaves me with the distinct impression that he carries the weight of the whole world on his broad shoulders and has for a long time.
"I never hated you," I whisper to him, my heart hurting at the evidence that life hasn't been easy for him. It kills me a little to know I put some of that weight there. That he carries it because of me…because I was a selfish little girl who lashed out just so I didn't have to hurt alone. "I was hurt and angry, and I wanted you to hurt too. But I never hated you, Cade. I never wanted you to leave."
"You should have hated me," he whispers back, his expression so solemn and serious it sends tears slipping down my cheeks. "You should still hate me. I took everything from you."
"It wasn't your fault," I argue, shaking my head. "I never blamed you. You shouldn't blame yourself either."
He gives me a sad smile. "You always saw more in me than was there. I never deserved you." The self-loathing in his voice breaks me.
"You're wrong. I was the one who didn't deserve you." I dash away the tears blurring my vision and give him a watery smile. "You were always larger than life to me, my own personal hero. And now look at you. You're an honest to God hero."
Cade chuckles, the deep sound hitting me low in my stomach. Heat floods through me in a warm rush. "I'm no one's hero, sweetheart."
"I bet your friend's girl would tell you different," I argue, though I'm not sure why. Clearly, he doesn't see himself the way I always have. Back then, I never would have envisioned him as a cop, but it fits him. He was born to save lives and take down criminals. I'm proud of him.
"T saved his girl, January. I was just there to keep him from destroying himself to do it." His expression twists and he holds his hands up, palms facing me. He hits me with a look of such intense self-hatred it pins me to my chair and steals my breath. "I'm not the hero of this story or any other. I've got so much blood on my hands I'll never wash clean."
I flinch, taken aback by how easily those words roll off his tongue. The powerful emotion in his eyes reflects in his voice, running so deep it's overwhelming.
"You should get out of here for a few days," he says, pushing away from the post. "Kaleo isn't fucking around. He wants the park and you're only going to get yourself hurt trying to fight him on it."
"I'm not going anywhere, Cade."
"Why not?" he asks, clearly exasperated with me. He throws his hands up again, flinging his arms wide this time. "Open your eyes, baby girl. This place is falling the fuck apart. It was a shithole when we were growing up and it's a shithole now. The only thing here worth saving is you."
Anger courses through me at his words. I jump to my feet and glare at him. "It may be a shithole, but it matters to me. I'm not going to run and hide while Kaleo strolls in and takes it from me. Everything else I love is gone. He doesn't get to take what's left. I won't let him."
"Dammit, January," he groans and I can't tell if he's pissed at me for refusing or if he's just annoyed at being back here in general. It doesn't matter either way. Once upon a time, I would have given him anything he asked for, no questions asked. But that was then and this is now. He might not be willing to fight for this block any longer, but I am.
"Maybe you can turn your back on your home," I growl at him, desperately wanting to stomp my foot and throw a tantrum like I did when I was little. "But I can't. I won't. I will fight to keep that bastard off this block until I can't fight anymore."
"You're going to get yourself killed."
"Then at least I'll die having stood for something."
Sometimes, I think maybe dying wouldn't be so bad. How fucked up is that? I'm so miserable I think dying would be a relief. That's not normal. It's not healthy. But sometimes I think it anyway.
"Goddammit," he swears. "I don't have time for this shit right now."
That hurts. I flinch before I can stop myself. "I never asked you to stay," I snap, slamming my hands down on my hips to scowl at him. "Go back to Seattle, Cade. I don't need your help."
He grabs me before I can storm inside the house. Sparks of electric fire dance up my arm, shooting off in all directions from where his fingers wrap around my upper arm. He's so much bigger than me…his fingers touch easily. His steely blue-gray eyes meet mine, so dark gray they're almost black. His nostrils flare as his expression turns feral, predatory…hungry.
The stark need shining in his eyes has me licking my lips. My nipples harden, my traitorous body blooming for him.
A guttural groan breaks from his lips and then, somehow, he has me pinned to the front door with my hands in his hair and my legs wrapped around his waist.
"Fuck," he curses, then his lips are on mine. He kisses me like a man possessed. There's nothing sweet or gentle about the way he takes my mouth. It's possessive, predatory, and so damn right.
This is what's been missing for the last decade. Him and the intense feelings he sends hurtling through me like a comet. With his lips on mine, I feel alive, like I'm finally, finally living instead of just going through the motions.
His body is hard everywhere. He grinds me down on the obvious bulge in his jeans as he attacks my mouth, claiming it like he owns it…owns me. I cry out against his lips, pleasure hitting me hard and fast. My fingers dance through his hair, tugging and pulling.
An inferno rages between us. Years of overwhelming need tears me apart as he kisses me so hard I know I'll remember the feel of his lips on mine for the rest of my life. This kiss is like none he's ever given me before. It's powerful, potent…and perfect.
I can't give this up. With his lips on mine, I know I'll never be over him. I'll never be ready to move on. And I don't want to be.
"Cade," I whisper, wiggling in his arms, desperate for friction where I need it most. Desperate for him. He's the only man who has ever touched me. I ache for him. God, I ache so badly. "Cade, please. I need you so much."
His body goes taut at my desperate confession. His hands tighten on my ass for a split second and then he pulls away. I cry out, hating the way it feels when his big body no longer pins me to the door. When his lips break from mine. When he's no longer in my personal space, possessing it.
He slides me down his body until my feet touch the worn wood, then he releases me
entirely.
He's breathing hard, his chest rising and falling like he just ran five miles. His eyes meet mine, his expression so severe that it steals my breath all over again. He's definitely all man now, grown up and so powerful. It's honestly a little breathtaking to see him like this. With his hair all messed up, his cheeks flushed, and his eyes on fire, he's the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life.
"Go inside, January," he rumbles when I lick my lips, savoring the taste of him on them.
"Cade, I–"
"Now!" he barks.
I jump at the loud crack of sound. Tears fill my eyes, rejection burning through me hot and fast.
His thunderous expression softens. He reaches out and tugs gently on a strand of my hair, exactly like he always did when we were kids and he wanted to comfort me. The corner of his lip turns up in a sardonic half smile. "I'm the last thing you need. I'll just fuck up your life all over again," he whispers and then he turns and jogs down the steps.
"You were the only thing I ever needed," I whisper to his back.
He hesitates for a split second, pausing mid-step, then he shakes his head. "Maybe one day I'll be the kind of man you deserve, but I'm not him now, January. I'm still the monster at the end of this book. I always have been."
"You're wrong."
His heavy sigh speaks volumes, and each one of them shatters another little piece of my heart.
"Every goddamn day without you was wrong, baby girl," he whispers, his voice rough with pain. "That doesn't make this right. I already destroyed you once. I won't do it again now."
"You destroyed me when you left me, Cade. I never got over you. For ten damn years, I waited for you to come back. Maybe that doesn't mean anything to you, but it does to me. You've always been the only man I've ever wanted. I think you always will be. I just wish you wanted me the same way," I say softly and then I turn around and go inside because I'm not brave enough to watch him reject me again.
Chapter Eight
Michael
Age Nineteen
"Titan, you're such an asshole!" January yells so loudly I hear her from the street.
"What the fuck?" I mutter, my eyes widening. I jog up the steps to their house just in time for something to crash against the wall inside. I yank the door open without knocking to find her and Titan facing off in the living room. Titan is on the far side of their old sofa, with January standing next to the television stand on this side, a remote in her hand. There's another in pieces at her brother's feet.
"Put the goddamn remote down, January," Titan growls, scowling daggers at her. There's a red mark on his cheek that looks suspiciously like a handprint.
"Stay out of my room and out of my business!" she shouts right back and stomps her foot. She lifts the remote over her head to throw it at him.
I take three quick steps in her direction and snatch it out of her hand before she can launch it at his head. Wrapping an arm around her waist, I pull her to me. She fights me, trying to break out of my hold as Titan rattles off a string of curses.
"Calm down, baby girl," I murmur in her ear, worried she's going to hurt herself trying to break free of my grip.
She immediately stops fighting me and huffs. And then she cries out in alarm.
I glance up just in time to see Titan charging at us like a bull, his face a thundercloud. I pick January up and toss her onto the couch out of harm's way. Titan plows into me a second later, knocking me into the wall. The television stand slides across the floor, careening into the movie shelf on the other side. DVDs crash to the floor in a pile.
"She's sixteen years old, you bastard!" he yells, pinning me to the wall. His face is red with rage, a vein in his forehead throbbing.
"Titan, stop it!" January demands. Another remote sails through the air toward us.
It cracks Titan in the back of the head before crashing to the floor. A split second later, she comes flying at him like a winged demon. She pounds on his back with her little fists, yelling at him to stop being an asshole and to let me go. Her eyes are rimmed in red like she's been crying, but her face is flushed with anger.
I have no fucking clue what's going on with her and Titan, but I haven't seen her in a week and I'm not in the mood for this shit today. My classes are kicking my ass, Ma Rose is sick and dying, and I'm exhausted from running back and forth between campus and the hospital.
"January, knock it off now!" I bark at her.
She jumps backward, her mouth open in a shocked little "O". I've never talked to her like that before. I feel like a dick for doing it now. But it gives me enough room to get Titan off me without hurting her and that's all I need.
With a frustrated curse, I push him, throwing him off me. As soon as he stumbles back a step, I spin, putting his back to the wall and my elbow against his throat, effectively pinning him in place and putting myself between him and January. She's so mad she's liable to hurt herself.
"Settle the fuck down before you hurt her," I bark at Titan, holding him to the wall until he meets my gaze.
His dark green eyes are hard, his jaw clenched tight. The vein in his forehead still pulses with the force of his anger. He jerks his chin in a nod though, letting me know he's willing to back off so she doesn't get hurt. He's my best friend, but I will lay him out if she gets injured trying to murder him for whatever dumb shit he did to piss her off this time.
I loosen my grip on him slowly and step back.
January immediately pushes her way under my arm and nestles into my side. The two of them glare daggers at each other. They're both panting from exertion. But at least they've stopped trying to kill each other for the moment.
"Either of you want to tell me why I could hear you yelling from the street?" I ask, glowering at both of them.
January's cheeks turn pink, but she doesn't answer me. "It's my business, Titan," she says instead, still glaring at her brother. "Not yours. Stop being a hypocritical asshole and mind your own damn business."
"Man, fuck this shit," he snaps and shoves past me, knocking into my shoulder. He stomps to the door and storms out. The door slams so hard behind him, the windows rattle and a picture falls off the wall.
January immediately bursts into tears. "I'm sorry," she cries, trying to climb my body.
I pluck her up from the floor and into my arms. She wraps around me like a blanket, her entire body shaking. She's so damn little. I easily carry her to the threadbare couch, holding her to my chest. When I sit down with her in my lap, she cuddles into me, burying her face in my throat. Her hot tears soak into my skin.
I have no idea what to make of her reaction, but it's freaking me out a little. I fucking hate it when she cries. And I have never seen Titan so pissed before. I've never seen them fight like that before either. He riles her up just to get her going sometimes and they have typical sibling spats, but they've never resorted to violence. Titan is as protective of her as I am. For him to act like that, whatever they're fighting about has to be serious.
She's crying so hard it's breaking my heart.
"Don't cry, baby girl," I plead with her. "Please don't cry."
"I'm sorry," she sobs, clinging to me.
"What happened?" I ask, rubbing her back in an attempt to calm her down.
"He found my birth control," she chokes out between sobs, still hiding her face in my throat.
My hands freeze on her back as soon as I process her words.
"Shit," I mutter, not sure what to say to that. No wonder he tackled me. He thinks I'm sleeping with his little sister.
She and I aren't having sex, but since she turned sixteen a few months ago, she's been pushing the issue. Holding her off is getting harder by the day. I want her so badly it hurts. I'm trying to do the right thing, but then she crawls into my lap and all the reasons why we need to wait fall away. It's come close a few times before I was able to get myself under control, but I'm not sure how much longer that's going to last.
I'm constantly hard for her.
"He
hates you now and it's all my fault," she sobs. "I ruined your friendship!"
"He doesn't hate me," I tell her, hoping like hell he doesn't make a liar out of me. "And you didn't ruin our friendship. He's just worried about you."
Mandy thought she was pregnant about a year ago. It freaked Titan the hell out. He's probably thinking about that, worrying January will end up where he thought he was back then. I know Titan better than I know myself sometimes. He adores the girl currently clinging to me like her life depends on it. He always says she's going to be the one who gets out of here and does something great with her life. There's no way he'd be okay with her getting pregnant at sixteen.
Hell, there's no way I'd be okay with her getting pregnant at sixteen. We're too fucking young to have kids. Between school, taking care of Ma Rose, keeping Kaleo from claiming this block, and all the shit that goes hand-in-hand with that responsibility, I barely have time to see my girl. There's no way I could juggle a kid on top of it. And there's no way I'm letting her jeopardize her future by becoming a teen mom. That's exactly why we decided she needed to be on birth control. That's why I carry a condom everywhere I go. I'm not taking any chances.
Eventually, I know I won't be able to tell her no anymore. It's already hard as hell to keep pulling us back from the edge. As soon as I feel her soft hands on my body or she pulls her shirt off and puts my hands on her, I lose track of everything but her. I want her more than she knows. But when we finally do take that step, I want us both to be prepared.
"He's so mad at me."
"You were throwing shit at him, January." I don't mention the definite handprint across his cheek.
"Only because he said he was going to kill you!" she cries.
I shake my head, bemused at how upset she is over that. It's equal parts adorable and ridiculous. I love her for wanting to fight for me, but damn. She's five-two and about one hundred and ten pounds soaking wet. If Titan really wanted to kill me, it'd take a hell of a lot more than a couple of well-aimed remotes to stop him. He lived up to his name. He's linebacker big, with a temper to match.
Fight for You: A Second Chance Romance (A Warrior for Her Book 1) Page 9
