"I love you for trying to defend me," I tell her, tipping her head back and forcing her to look at me. Seeing the tears still shimmering in those long lashes breaks my heart all over again. She's too beautiful, like a little porcelain doll. She was made for laughter, not tears. "But no more throwing shit at him. He could have hurt you."
"He'd never hurt me," she protests, jumping to his defense.
"He'd never hurt you on purpose," I agree before she gets herself all wound up, trying to defend him this time. I swear to God, she's like a little lioness sometimes, so damn protective of me and Titan, it's absurd. What she thinks she's protecting us from when we run this fucking block and are over twice her size, I don't know. But she tries anyway. "He could have easily hurt you by accident and then you'd both feel terrible."
"Okay," she agrees and then buries her face in my throat once more. She's not crying anymore though, thank God.
I close my eyes and just hold her. She's so soft and sweet. Her little body fits with mine like she was made to cradle my larger frame. She's soft where I'm hard. If there's anything better in the world than the feel of her in my arms, I don't know if I'll survive finding it. This is perfection enough for one man.
"How's Ma Rose?" she asks a few minutes later, worry in her voice. She loves Ma Rose. Everyone does.
"She's a little better," I lie. She's not better at all. Truth is, she probably isn't going to make it home from the hospital, but I don't have the heart to tell January that. I'm not even ready to face it myself. Ma Rose is the only family I have left—except for January and Titan, anyway.
I've known for a while that she isn't doing well, but there is no such thing as preparing to lose someone you love. Watching her waste away brings back too many memories of losing my mom. She was there one minute, then gone the next…killed by a man who thought driving right after hitting the crack pipe was a good idea.
I still have nightmares about the accident. About lying there and listening to him scream about killing her. That memory is still painful. I try not to dwell on it, but watching Ma Rose waste away brought it roaring back to the surface.
"Can I go see her soon?" January asks me.
"Yeah, sweetheart. I'll take you to see her tomorrow," I promise, knowing I need to give her a chance to say goodbye. It'll devastate her if she doesn't get to see Ma Rose before she dies. It'll break Ma Rose's heart too. Ma Rose adores my girl.
"Okay," January says sweetly.
"You good now, baby girl?" I ask her a minute later.
She nods her head, the top of it bumping my chin with the motion.
"Then I need to go deal with Titan."
"Please don't get in a fight with him," she whispers, clearly distressed by the thought.
"I'm not going to fight him." He might take a swing at me, but I won't fight back. He has every right to be pissed that his best friend wants to sleep with his little sister. I can't blame him for that. If our roles were reversed, I'd be pissed. But he knows I love January and that it wouldn't be simple fucking for either of us. As soon as she's old enough, I plan to put my ring on her finger and make her my wife.
"Promise?" she demands, pulling back to peek up at me.
"I promise you that I'm not going to fight with him," I vow.
The worry in her eyes leeches away, replaced with trust.
"Okay," she says and leans in to brush her lips across mine in a sweet little kiss.
I find Titan reclining on the hood of my car, one arm thrown over his eyes to block out the setting sun. His body is tense, his cheeks flushed with anger. He appears as pissed as he did inside, but when he hears me coming, he doesn't try to take a swing. Instead, he lowers his arm enough to peer at me.
"Boots got picked up yesterday for boosting car stereos over on Rosecrans," he mutters.
"Dammit. They release him yet?"
"Nope."
"Son of a bitch." I tip my head back to stare up at the sky. Boots has been one of ours for a long time. He's a good kid, but he has sticky fingers and a penchant for getting himself into trouble when we aren't around to keep him straight. There's nothing I can do for him now though. I warned his ass that he was going to get hooked up for that shit one day, but he didn't listen.
"I'm not sleeping with January," I tell Titan, leaning back against the car.
He grunts and puts his arm back over his eyes.
"In the spirit of full disclosure, that's not because I don't want to sleep with her," I confess, refusing to let this be any more awkward than it has to be. "I just don't want you and your mom and Ma Rose pissed at me. I know she's only sixteen, man. I'm trying to do the right thing, but it's hard. I love her."
He grunts again.
"I'm going to marry that girl someday, Titan. You going to be pissed at both of us for that too? Because I gotta tell you…it's going to break her heart if me and her being together—really being together—is a deal breaker for you now. It'll break mine too if I have to choose her over you."
"You'd choose her?"
"Yeah, man," I say honestly. "You're like a brother to me and it'd fucking suck to lose you, but yeah, I'd choose her. How could I not? She's been it for me since…fuck, probably since the day she tripped and fell trying to chase after you. I've wanted to protect her and keep her safe since then. I think I've probably loved her since then."
"Jesus," he mutters and then he sighs. "I'm pretty sure she'd fucking choose you too." He lifts his arm from over his face and sits up, but he doesn't turn to face me. Instead, he stares out into the street. "I'm not mad that you two are together. Hell, I'm not even really mad about the birth control. I knew you'd be together like that eventually. Honestly, I don't know how you held out this long. You have more self-control than I do, because I never waited for shit."
I smile at that because he's telling nothing but the truth. He's been chasing pussy since he was thirteen. He blew through half the girls in our senior class when he wasn't with Mandy. I'm pretty sure he's in love with her, but they're both too wild to make it work for long.
"You and January are exactly alike," he mutters, still not looking at me. "You're both smart as hell and you'll get the fuck out of here and do great things with your lives. You're already killing it at UCLA. You're both destined for more than poverty and all this bullshit. Me though? I knew a long time ago that this was going to be my life. That's what's fucking me up. You're both going to get out of here and I'll be left behind. So yeah, I know you'll choose her. I know she'll choose you. And I don't blame you guys for wanting to get out of here and be happy together somewhere else. Doesn't make it suck any fucking less for me."
"You think we'd leave you behind?"
He shrugs. "Aren't you already? I didn't even know the two of you weren't already sleeping together. I found her birth control and it just hit me that you two are already moving on while I'm still stuck here. We aren't a trio anymore. It's the two of you against the world."
Well…shit.
"Things are changing, man," he says with a heavy sigh. "And I'm not ready to face it."
"It doesn't matter what I do with my life or what January does with her life, you'll always be part of us," I tell him, heat in my voice. "You think she'd have it any other way? Or that I would? Even if you hated me for being with her, I'd still love you and so would she. We'd still want our lives all mixed up together like they always have been. That's how this shit with the three of us works."
"Not any longer, brother," he says, a sad frown twisting at his lips.
"Titan, I–"
"Cade!" January cries, panic in her voice.
I whip my head around to see her racing down the steps toward me, my cellphone in her hand and tears in her eyes. Titan hops down off the hood of my car as she barrels toward me.
"It's Ma Rose," she says, out of breath when she reaches me. She thrusts my phone and car keys into my hand. "It's bad. You gotta get to the hospital." Tears pour down her face. She doesn't even try to wipe them away as she grabs my hand, hol
ding onto me as tightly as she can. "She doesn't have long, Cade."
My heart clenches in a painful vise. I knew this was coming, but like Titan, I'm not ready to face my life changing like this.
How do you say goodbye to the woman who stepped in when she didn't have to do it and gave you a family when you had none? How do you say thank you to a saint? There are no words adequate enough to express my gratitude and love for this little old lady who gave up so much just so I could have something.
I cling to January, fighting like hell to keep my composure. I have to be strong for her. That's my job now. To be her rock and love her until I take my last breath.
"I'll drive," Titan says, snatching the keys from my hand. "Get in."
"Thank you," I whisper roughly, clearing my throat.
"Come here, sweet boy," Ma Rose says, her voice weak and her words slurred. One side of her face droops like it's frozen. Her doctor says she had a stroke a few days ago. Now her blood sugar is rising and her blood pressure keeps dropping dangerously low. They can't get either to stabilize. Most of what they said after that was nonsensical doctor talk I'm half sure they use to make us plebeians feel like they must know what they're talking about even when they don't have a clue. At the end of the day, it all means the same thing. Ma Rose is dying. Not slowly or bit by bit, but here and now. By the time the sun rises tomorrow, she'll be gone.
I shuffle toward her bed, hating how frail she looks in that thing. Her usually supple mahogany skin is pale and gaunt. The hair she always took such pride in and had done weekly is flat and lifeless. She can't move the left side of her body without assistance.
I hate everything about this.
She tries to smile at me, but it seems more like a grimace of pain.
I take her hand in mine and sink down into the chair beside her.
"Sweet boy," she slurs and squeezes my fingers weakly. Her fingers barely even flutter around mine. "Your mama would be s-s-so proud of you. You've grown into an incredible young m-man."
I lay my head on her hand, fighting like hell not to cry. Without Ma Rose and her pictures, I'm not even sure if I'd remember my mom. I'm losing the only link to my past that I have. If I think about that, I'll cry. I haven't cried since my mom died and I can't do it now. Ma Rose and January need me to be strong for them. I can't fall apart.
"Gotta tell you something," she says. "Your mama's parents were s-s-something. Important f-folks. Uppity f-folks. They died n-not long after you were born." She stops talking for a minute to breathe. It's apparent she's wearing herself out, but the determined gleam in her eyes tells me to keep my mouth shut and let her talk…that saying this is important to her. "Your m-mama didn't want n-nothing to d-do with anything they left her. S-said she had no use for it and wouldn't r-raise you the way she was raised. But she s-s-saved it all for you."
I lift my head and blink at her, not sure what she's talking about. She's told me bits and pieces about my grandparents over the years, but not much. I know they weren't nice to my mom, that they treated her like an inconvenience and a possession instead of a child. When my mom met my dad, she ran off with him to escape their clutches. Even after my dad walked out on her, she never looked back.
"T-t-the paperwork is w-w-with my will, s-sweet boy," Ma Rose says.
"Paperwork for what?"
"T-t-trust f-f-fund," she slurs, blinking at me. "M-m-millions. Y-y-you i-i-inherited it all. T-turned eighteen."
Jesus Christ.
I gape at her, speechless. I have a trust fund, but she lived like a pauper to take care of me. We never wanted for anything, but we didn't have anything more than we needed. This whole time, she could have had whatever she wanted, whatever she needed. A bigger house. Better medical care.
"T-take care of J-J-January, sweet boy. L-love her." Her fingers flutter beneath mine once more and then her eyes fall closed. For a second, I think she's gone, but then I see her chest rise and fall and I'm able to take a breath of my own.
"I'll love that girl forever," I vow, but I don't know if Ma Rose can hear me or not. For a long time, I sit there, trying to process what she just told me. My grandparents were rich, but my mom didn't want anything to do with it. Ma Rose didn't either. Didn't even tell me about it until she didn't have a choice any longer.
For a split second, I think of all the things I could do with that money. With millions of dollars, I could do anything, go anywhere, and be anything. So could January. We could see the world. She could go to whatever school her heart desires, have anything her heart desires.
"I don't want it," I whisper to Ma Rose. "I don't want to lose what I already have. January and Titan…they're all I've got now. I don't want this to change us. Titan said things were already changing and he's right. I don't want this to change too."
I already lost my mom. Now I'm losing Ma Rose. I don't want to lose the only two people I have left, and money changes everything. Little by little, it would change all of us too. We'd fall apart, just like Titan fears. There's no way in hell I'm going to let that happen.
The money can stay where it's at. My mom and Ma Rose taught me what was important…taught me that I don't have to live like my grandparents did to be happy and have a full life. My grandparents were nothing to me. But my mom and Ma Rose? They mean something. It's their example I want to follow.
I don't need the money. None of us do.
I tuck Ma Rose's blankets around her and fix her hair the best I can. It's not perfect, but she looks more like herself than she did five minutes ago. Once that's done, I take her costume jewelry out of the bedside drawer and slide it on. She loves that shit and I want her to have every comfort when she passes.
When January comes in to say goodbye, I want her to remember Ma Rose the way she knew her.
"Thank you, Ma Rose," I whisper and lean forward to kiss her cheek. "You gave me everything that mattered. I love you, and I'm going to miss the hell out of you. I'll make you proud though. You'll see."
It's not nearly enough, but it's the only goodbye I know how to say.
Chapter Nine
Michael
Present Day
I stand at the bottom of January's steps for a long time, trying to process her words. There's so much to unpack there. I'm not even sure where to begin. All I know is that she still wants me. She thinks I stopped kissing her because I don't want her. I only stopped because I knew if I didn't, I never would again.
For her sake, I need to let her go. I'm not good for her. She doesn't even understand how badly I fucked up back when it mattered. Back when it could have made a difference. I had the whole world in the palm of my hand, but I was so goddamn desperate to control her and Titan, to keep from losing them, that I destroyed us all.
She doesn't hate me, but she should.
I pull my phone out of my pocket.
"Where you at?" Roman asks as soon as he answers.
"I'm…fuck. I can't go with you tonight," I tell him, staring at January's front door like it holds the answers to all the important questions in the universe. "I can't leave her."
"January?" he asks, his voice soft.
"Tell me to walk away before I ruin her life," I say. I think I'm begging. Because if he doesn't talk me down, I'm not going to be strong enough to do it. She said she needs me, that I'm the only thing she ever needed. Once she knows the truth, she really will hate me. She'll realize I'm the last thing she needs, exactly like I told her. But she'll still be the only goddamn thing in this world that I need. Just like she always has been.
I've been living in the dark for ten fucking years. She was the light in my life, the peace. All I want is to feel it again. So badly I'm not strong enough to resist the way it beckons me, whispering that everything will be just fine when I know damn well that it won't. Still…I need it. Even if it's just for a minute. Even if it can't last…I need it. Need her.
"I can't tell you what to do, Michael," Roman says. That's the first time he's ever called me by my first name. Hell, no one but L
ittle Mama calls me by my first name. They haven't in years. "But I will tell you that even if it's fucking hard, if you love her, finding a way to make it work is worth it. If she matters to you…it's worth it."
"Fuck." He's no help. Why did I think asking a man in love to throw me a life preserver would be a good idea? Of fucking course he's all rainbows and kittens. He's worthy of calling himself a cop, of being happy, and all that good shit. Me? Not so much.
I killed three people in cold blood and I don't regret it. Don't regret any of the ones I've killed since then either. Every single one since has been in the line of duty, because this world is kill or be killed and I didn't have a choice. But those three? Yeah, I could have walked away. I chose not to do it. Given the chance to do it over, I'd make the same decision.
January deserves better than a man like me.
I hang up the phone and shove it back into my pocket.
"Go help Roman find Remi Pledger, deal with Kaleo, and leave January the fuck alone," I mutter to myself. But I don't listen. Of fucking course I don't. Because I'm a selfish bastard and January is my goddamn kryptonite.
My hands shake as I jog up the wooden steps to her front door. The heavy wood rattles beneath my fist from the force of my knock. My mind screams at me to turn around and walk away. But then the door flies open and she's standing there. She's so heartbreakingly beautiful with those bright green eyes filled to the brim with hope and her lips forming my name like a kiss.
I'm lost. Damned.
Please, God, don't let me destroy her, I pray silently. Don't let me ruin her life all over again.
"You're wrong," I blurt out, my pulse pounding so hard I'm sure she can probably hear it. "You think I don't want you, but I'm so fucking hard for you that it hurts, baby girl. I've wanted nothing but you since the day I left. You think you weren't living without me? I was in hell without you. I'm still in hell." My breath comes in a desperate rasp and my hands shake. My whole body is shaking. "Every goddamn day without you was torture, baby girl. I tried to forget you, to move on, but I couldn't. I didn't want to forget…to forget…"
Fight for You: A Second Chance Romance (A Warrior for Her Book 1) Page 10
