“If Bennett were here, he’d fill your life with happiness as you waited for your child to be born. He’d try to soothe your fears and tell you how much he loved you constantly.” Rowan felt hypnotized. “You miss him more and more as you get closer to the baby comin’ and that makes sense. It’s somethin’ y’all should have shared.”
He smoothed his palms over her belly. “Keep your eyes closed and pretend. Clear your mind and imagine Bennett in front of you. Talk to him, Rowan. Now that some time has passed, tell him how you feel.”
Gage gently touched her. Slipped his palms across the tops of her hands on the chair, up her arms, over her bare shoulders, and cupped her face with his fingertips in her hair. He smoothed his thumbs over her jaw and up to wipe the tears that slipped beneath her closed lids.
Then he gently pulled her to him and cupped the back of her head, her face pressed against his chest as he stroked her hair. He held her firmly as Rowan’s arms went around his waist of their own volition.
Pressing a kiss to the top of her head, he rested his cheek there. As her crying got worse, he hugged her harder. Keeping his voice low, he said, “It’s alright, Rowan. Take what you need.”
“I’m sorry you were sick, that you felt less than the man you used to be but...I loved the man you were. I know it wasn’t fair after the life you lived to be weakened that way - to have your strength and vitality snatched away.”
Her arms tightened and she tried to get enough air. “I’m sorry every day we had wasn’t like our last together. That I was the-the reason you died. I didn’t want you to be afraid so I tried not to be afraid. Even though I knew I was killing the only man who loved me and I’d have to live with that for the rest of my life.”
Pressing her face to a strong shoulder, she shook with the hurt. “Our child won’t meet you, will never know you, and that’s my fault. As happy as I am, the joy comes with a cost I wouldn’t have paid if you’d just talked to me, Bennett.”
Tightening her fists in his shirt, she said through her tears, “I miss you. I love you, and it hurts that you didn’t give me a choice before you took yourself out of my life. I deserved that from you...I’d earned that from you. You-you didn’t have the right to leave me, to make me the instrument of your death. Part of me understands but the rest of me is haunted.”
Leaning back, Gage stared into her eyes. “I’m sorry, Rowan.” He stroked her hair back from her face with a frown. “It isn’t only sadness you feel now. It’s also rage.”
“I-I need to stand up.” He moved back and lifted her to her feet. She wiped furiously at her tears. “He made me kill him...used my body to stop his.”
“Oh, Rowan…”
“I love the house, the surprises, and that he loved me enough to try to make me happy even after he was gone.” Pacing, she stopped and pointed at Gage. “Even lining up his replacement as if I can ever feel normal again.”
“He needed your touch more than the next beat of his heart. I understand that, Rowan.”
“Do you? Maybe you understand how he felt.” She pressed her hands to her stomach. “The body that grows his son is the same one that Bennett died in-inside. How can anyone understand how that makes me feel?” Shaking her head, she whispered, “I feel like a monster. I fight taking what I desperately want from you because I have nightmares about you dying like he did. I can’t make it stop.”
“I can.”
Gage took three steps to her, gathered Rowan in his arms, and dropped his mouth over hers.
Chapter Nineteen
Rowan’s brain short-circuited with the overwhelming input. She tried to wrap her mind around the insanity of the circle she’d traveled.
From Gage to Bennett to Gage again.
His kiss was both foreign and achingly familiar. He stroked her face and moved his lips over hers. She opened for him out of reflex, as if time and pain hadn’t passed between them.
The way he touched her while they kissed was different than nine years before. His hand smoothed gently from her head to her low back again and again.
It was the same way he gentled his horse and earned the trust required to command such a powerful creature. It sank to her bones, deep into her heart, and made her sigh.
Lifting her hand, she rested it over his heart. It beat strong, steady in his chest and she wanted to sob with relief.
Breaking the kiss, he murmured, “Rowan, open your eyes.” Her lashes fluttered open and she stared into calm hazel that held flecks of light green. Cupping the side of her head, he asked, “Are you alright?”
“I...yes.” Strangely, it was the truth. “You k-kiss differently than you used to. Slower, more intense.”
“I learned patience.” His thumb rubbed the skin in front of her ear. “Bennett was the best man who ever loved you, Rowan…but he is not the only one.” Eyes wide, she didn’t reply. “You thought I said it to get what I wanted from you.”
He shook his head. “I admired the girl you were. I fell in love with the woman you became. Everything about you - your mind, heart, and body. I messed up, didn’t show the love I felt, and hurt you badly...I know. It’s impossible to explain the regrets I have, Rowan.”
She’d never believed it. The first time Gage told her he loved her was when Rowan caught him and Nina together. She’d been sure he said it to manage her, to calm her down, to diffuse the situation.
“I didn’t...think you meant it then,” she admitted.
“My timin’ was shit. I knew it the second the words left my mouth. You thought I was playin’ games with you.” Pressing a kiss to her temple, he rested his forehead against hers. “In all this time, since the first time I felt my heart clench at the sight of you, it’s never faded. Not once.”
Kissing her lips lightly, he set her slightly away from him. “You’re not in a place to love anyone but Bennett and that’s okay, Rowan. I can wait. I’ve been waitin’ and I gotta tell you, it’s real character buildin’.”
Tilting her head, she didn’t understand what he was telling her.
“A few months after you left Daingerfield, I threw myself into one hook up after another. I was desperate to duplicate what you made me feel. Every woman I touched who wasn’t you made me hate myself a little more.”
Inhaling deeply, he let her go and walked to the porch railing. Leaning against it, he rested his hands on the wood at his sides. “Bennett called the house before your twenty-fifth birthday. Introduced himself and asked how I could be stupid enough to let you go. I was pissed at first - felt like he was rubbin’ it in that he had you and I didn’t.”
Rowan lowered carefully into the chair.
“He said he wouldn’t always be around but he was real vague.” Gage shrugged. “I figured he meant the age difference between you but knew better once I saw you together. You can’t lie for shit. Your love was written all over your face...so was your fear. When you told me about his heart, everything he said to me made sense.”
“Wh-what did he say?”
“That you’d only loved two men in your life and there might come a day when you’d need the first one to step up.” He looked out at the yard for a moment. “After your party, he called me again. Asked if I still loved you. I admitted that I did and I’d understand if he didn’t want me around.”
“H-he did want you around.”
“Yeah. When he was buildin’ this house, he showed up at my place. He made James stay outside. You were in Austin for a couple days - some big corporation meetin’.” He met her eyes. “I swear to you...I didn’t know what he had planned, Rowan. All he said was he had three months to live and he was trustin’ me to help you afterward.”
She frowned. “There’s more…”
“I submitted to a full batch of lab tests - everything from blood to urine to sperm. He wanted to know I was clean and healthy.”
Working her way out of the chair, she walked to him. “H-he had sperm extracted for me if-if our time together didn’t take. Why did he want your sperm?” Gage didn�
�t answer. “Tell me.”
“The night he died, he admitted that if he wasn’t able to get you pregnant, he wanted to use mine.” Rowan stumbled back and Gage caught her with lightning fast reflexes. “Wait. Hear me out. With all the medications he’d been on for years, the doctors weren’t sure it would, uh, take. He wanted a backup plan so you could have a baby. I was relieved I didn’t have to tell you why you couldn’t use the other.”
Closing her eyes, she whispered, “Too far, Bennett. Too far.”
“More than anything, he wanted you to be a mother, to help you heal. His actions were those of a desperate man but know I never would have let it happen, Rowan. Never. I wouldn’t have violated you like that.”
Gage held her shoulders. “As the days passed, the more urgent he sounded. Bennett insisted the three of us stay on the estate for a couple of weeks after his birthday. Miss Jeffries had to rearrange a court appearance with the twins. Nina had a commercial she backed out of. I had three cows about to give birth. Somebody like him don’t beg but he got damn close. We understood the mornin’ after. Too late to talk sense into him.”
Angry, numb, and more than a little confused, she asked, “Would you have? Talked sense into him?”
“Yeah. Lovin’ somebody means givin’ them what’s best and he was best for you, Rowan. He worshipped you. I know you’re pissed right now, but he died lovin’ you more than he loved himself. He got scared, acted reckless as the date he gave himself ticked closer. He made horrible decisions alone when he should have talked to you. That’s true...but I truly believe he thought he was doin’ right because he loved you, adored you, and wanted you happy.”
“I-I’m shaken…”
“I get it. James and Mary-Margaret didn’t know about my talks with Bennett. He made me sign documents - so fuckin’ many - that I never woulda honored. All he kept sayin’ was that time was runnin’ out for him to protect you.”
Looking at the porch floor, she sighed heavily. “He coerced you into being around me, into…”
“No, Rowan.” Gage shook her gently. “Bennett was a man so in love with you that he couldn’t think straight as the time for him to leave you got closer. I might not agree with how he handled some things but I damn sure understand.”
Looking into his eyes, she tried to wrap her mind around all that she’d learned.
“When he asked me to keep an eye out, there wasn’t a second of doubt or hesitation. When he asked me the first time I met him if I could stay faithful to you until he died, I knew I could...and I have.”
He rested his palm along the side of her head and added, “The love you shared with Bennett was one of a kind and I’ve no intention of competin’ with it. We can have somethin’ beautiful and unique one day - all our own. I’m willin’ to wait to bring you around to my way of thinkin’.”
Her heart pounding, she asked, “You’ve waited for me?”
“I owed you loyalty and respect I didn’t show before.” Shaking his head, he whispered, “I’m not twenty-two anymore. I know it takes more than sayin’ words to win the heart of a woman like you. I’ve been lookin’ for a way to get you back since you walked off Miss Jeffries’ porch. It was Bennett who made it possible and he sure didn’t have to. Most men wouldn’t have.”
“I’m angry with him…”
“The anger will fade, Rowan. You loved each other so well and his desperation at the end doesn’t change what came before. That wasn’t who he really was and you know that in your heart. He was afraid and when you act from a place of fear, it warps your judgment.”
“You two were a lot closer than I realized,” she said softly.
“A shared love of the same magnificent woman. It created a bond we never would have forged otherwise.”
Placing her hand over his heart, she stared at it. “You’ve always been strong.”
“After seein’ what you went through when you lost Bennett, you better believe I’m gonna take real good care of myself.”
Looking up into his face, she murmured, “I’d appreciate that, Gage.”
Moving slow, he gathered her close and kissed her again. Her mind was confused, a little conflicted, but her body wanted Gage as it always had.
So did her heart.
Holding her to his chest, her belly pressed between them, he kissed the top of her head. “Over the last months, I’ve been a conduit for you, Rowan. A way for you to talk to Bennett, experience things with him that you didn’t get a chance to have when he was alive.”
“One of the most selfless acts I’ve ever known, Gage.”
“I know you only got a couple of hours with him in all the time you were together and the endin’ broke your spirit.” She held her breath, knowing what he was going to say. “If you need to be with him to replace that memory, I’d understand.”
He pulled back and she stared at him, an emotional storm of confusion and longing for what he offered. “Let me love you, Rowan. Maybe it will give you peace.”
After a long moment, she nodded.
* * *
Gage took Rowan’s hand, led her inside, and walked up the stairs to her bedroom. His heart slammed inside his chest as he prepared to touch her, truly touch her, for the first time.
Standing facing her beside the bed, he took a deep breath. What he wanted to give her - what he hoped would help her - wouldn’t come without personal cost.
Quietly, he told her, “Close your eyes, Rowan.”
She did and he pulled the soft dress over her head as she blushed hot: still innocent, his girl. Her breasts were fuller than usual, swollen as her body prepared to give birth and enable her to feed her child. Her belly button was pushed out with the pressure of the baby filling her stomach.
He murmured reverently, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a sight more beautiful.” They were the last words Gage would utter for almost an hour but it was something she needed to hear.
Lifting her hand, he kissed the palm and placed it on his shoulder to keep her oriented as he went to his knees in front of her. He pressed his lips to her belly as he pulled her panties away.
That Rowan was pregnant with another man’s child hurt his heart, but it wasn’t jealousy. If he’d been a better man, a stronger man, it could have been his child growing inside her. His pain and regrets weren’t important.
Only what Rowan needed mattered.
Standing, he pulled his shirt over his head and placed her hand over his heart. He wanted her to feel it beat, to know it was strong and steady.
Steeling himself against how it would feel when she said another man’s name, knowing it would cut deep, he accepted the pain he’d earned for betraying her young heart.
He stripped his clothes away and took her in his arms. For several minutes, he simply held her and made love to her mouth.
Over the months since Bennett died, he’d come to understand that Rowan’s first and only time with her husband had been filled with fear. She’d known every moment that he would die in her arms.
He couldn’t imagine the agony of such knowledge.
It spoke to her character, to who she was as a human being, that she’d embraced what she could of the time they had and loved Bennett as hard as possible.
This time - their first time together - he’d make sure there was no pain, no fear. Maybe it would heal some of the wounds on her heart.
No matter how long it took, Gage would convince her that she wasn’t a monster who would never be normal again.
Backing her carefully to the edge of the bed, he helped her lower to the mattress. On his knees, he kissed and touched her until she was breathless.
Only when she was moaning did he kiss along her jaw, down her neck, to lick the hollow at the base of her throat.
Her fingers went into his hair and he controlled his reaction to such a simple touch. Her other hand gently cupped the column of his neck.
Checking his pulse.
Moving over her collarbone and across her shoulder, he let himself relish her
warmth and softness at long last.
She’d been his ideal for more than a decade and it seemed surreal to have her naked in his arms.
When his mouth closed over the peak, her upper body arched into him with a gasp. He caressed the other breast as her nipples drew tight from his attention. Plumping and squeezing, he let his hand drift lightly over her pregnant stomach.
The child she carried might not be his...but that didn’t lessen his fascination. As if the baby sensed his thoughts, there was movement under his palm. He released her breasts to place both hands over her belly, enthralled as he touched as much of her as he could. Settling on his heels, he explored her flesh with a feather light touch and smiled when the baby moved again.
When he lifted his face, Rowan’s eyes waited. She had a soft expression on her face. Barely audible, she said, “You don’t resent him.”
Gage shook his head and leaned forward to plant a kiss between his spread hands.
Raising himself higher, he placed pillows behind her. Trailing his fingertips over her face, he watched as Rowan closed her eyes again.
Gently tracing the tops of her thighs, he raked the back of his knuckles over her lightly-haired mound. Her hips thrust instinctively against his hand. He rubbed the flat of his hand over her folds, one finger pressing against her clit with each movement.
Rowan’s whimper of pleasure made his cock twitch.
Pressing the inside of her knees made her open her legs and he watched a blush spread from her face to her chest.
One hand rested on her belly, his thumb making slow circles. The fingers of the other spread her folds. He dragged his tongue from her slick vaginal opening to her clit, swirling the tip around the sensitive bundle of nerves. There was no way to stop his groan at the first taste of her and her body trembled.
Then he settled in to feast.
After a minute of worshipping her with his lips, teeth, and tongue, Rowan’s hips started to move on instinct. She worked herself on his mouth, keeping his attention where she needed it. He soaked up the information she unwittingly gave him and doubled his efforts to please her.
Coming Home: The Damaged Series - Book Three Page 17
