American Monsters

by Derek Landy

“Not sure,” she said. “When I’m miles away, I know exactly which direction to go in, but when I’m this close it all goes kinda vague. What do you say we follow the path?”

  It was little more than a trail through the trees, and Amber led the way. They heard shouts in the distance and knew they were going in the right direction.

  They came to a clearing. Elias Mauk stood with his back to them. He wore a faded boiler suit and a grubby baseball cap, and he was looking up the hill at a cabin surrounded by moaning, groaning, shuffling dead people. Amber waited for Milo to get in position, and then she shifted and stepped out.

  “Hello, Elias.”

  Mauk whirled, eyes widening. His hand went to the claw hammer in his belt, but Milo was suddenly behind him, gun pressed to his head.

  Mauk froze.

  “So good to see you again,” Amber said, smiling brightly. “The last time we spoke was, like, ages ago. Remember that? Remember when you broke all my fingers? You remember?”

  Wary of the gun to his head, Mauk sneered. “Yeah,” he said, in that hoarse voice of his. “I remember.”

  Amber took the hammer from his belt. “This is it, isn’t it? This is the one you used? It definitely looks like the one you used to break my fingers, but what do I know? I’m no hammer expert. I barely know how to use one.” She held it up. “This is the end you hammer with, right?”

  Without waiting for an answer, she ducked down and swung the hammer into his right knee. Mauk howled, clutching his leg even as he collapsed. His cap fell off and he rolled over it.

  “Yep,” said Amber, “that’s the end you hammer with.”

  “You little bitch!” Mauk yelled. “I’ll beat your head in! I’ll crack your skull like an egg!”

  “Like this?” she asked, and tapped the hammer off his forehead, right on the band of burnt skin that ran around his skull. He rolled back, hands alternating between his head and knee, like he couldn’t decide which hurt more. Eventually, he settled on his head.

  “I don’t like being called names, Elias. Don’t do it again, you understand me?”

  He glared up at her.

  “You can’t kill me,” he said. “You tried shooting me and I got right back up again, didn’t I?”

  “Technically, it was Milo who shot you,” Amber said.

  Mauk switched his gaze to Milo. “Traitor. We used to be partners.”

  “I don’t remember anything about that,” said Milo, “but I doubt it’s true. Even when I was a bad guy, you would have annoyed me.”

  Mauk barked a laugh. “And what are you now – a hero? That’s laughable! Laughable!”

  Amber nodded. “Laughable, he says.”

  “Repeated it, too,” said Milo.

  “So you just know he meant it.”

  Mauk glared at them both, but the hammer and the gun kept his retorts unspoken. He got up slowly, and they didn’t move to stop him. “So that’s why you’re here, is it?” he asked, straightening. “You want a little revenge? What are you gonna do – you gonna break my fingers now? Maybe my toes, too?”

  Amber made a face. “I do not want to see your feet, Elias. That’s gross. Feet are the worst part of the human body. We’re not here to get revenge on you. This isn’t personal. It’s business. I see you looking around as I’m talking. First of all, that’s very rude. Second, are you expecting someone?”

  Mauk smiled. “You could say that.”

  “And you think the arrival of this person will, what, save you? So obviously it’s someone pretty scary, am I right?”

  Mauk’s smile grew wider.

  Amber’s matched it. “You’re not waiting for the Shining Demon’s representative, are you?”

  Mauk’s smile faltered. “How did you know?”

  “Because that’s why we’re here. You’re talking to Astaroth’s new representative.”

  “Bullshit.”

  “Afraid not.”

  Mauk turned to Milo. “Bullshit.”

  When Milo didn’t bother to respond, Mauk looked back at Amber. “How?”

  “I proved myself,” said Amber. “Now I speak with Astaroth’s voice. You get that? I’m like a red, sexy pope with horns, so you’d better not tick me off, bearing in mind that I already don’t like you.”

  “You think I’m gonna cower?” said Mauk. “You think I’m gonna bow and scrape to you, you little tramp? You screwed up my plans and it’s because of you, it is because of you, that I am back here in this Podunk little nowhere town!”

  Amber took a step forward. “I’m sorry,” she said, “did you just call me a tramp?”

  Mauk faltered. “What?”

  “Did you just call me a tramp?” she repeated. “After I just told you not to call me any more names, you actually stood there and called me that?”

  “It’s just a word—”

  “No,” said Amber. “It is a word targeted at women. It’s meant to demean and belittle. Are you trying to belittle me, Elias?”

  “I don’t know what you’re—”

  “Because it looks like you’re trying to belittle me, Astaroth’s representative here on this mortal plane,” she interrupted. “It looks like you’re trying to insult me, even though to insult me is to insult the Shining Demon.”

  “No, it isn’t,” Mauk said quickly.

  “Yes, it is,” said Amber. “Even though his fury is my fury and his wrath is my wrath, you still insulted me.”

  “I’m … I’m not gonna bow or—”

  “Yeah, you said that already.”

  “What, uh, what do you—?”

  “What do I want?” she interrupted. “Is that what you were going to say? What do I want? What do you mean, what do I want? I’m Astaroth’s representative. What do you think I want?”

  He swallowed. “The, uh, the offering?”

  “Yes, Elias. Exactly. I’m here to collect the offering.”

  “Well, I have it,” said Mauk. “I have it ready for you.”

  “You think,” said Amber.

  Mauk looked puzzled. “What?”

  “You think you have the offering,” Amber said. “You think you’ve done enough to satisfy the Shining Demon for another year. It’s my decision as to whether or not that’s true.”

  “Oh,” said Mauk.

  “You’d better hope it’s a good offering, Elias. I am not in a forgiving mood right now.”

  He nodded, and took a leather pouch from his boiler suit. Amber snatched it from his hand, opened it and peered in. She didn’t wrinkle her nose in disgust, even though she wanted to. She pulled the strings, closing the pouch.

  “It’ll do,” she said.

  “What’s going on up there?” Milo asked, nodding towards the cabin.

  “Just, uh, just a little bit of fun I’m having,” Mauk said.

  Amber showed him her fangs. “What kind of fun?”

  Mauk cleared his throat. “Uh, just a bunch of college kids. They think they’re surrounded by zombies who want to eat their flesh. Those dead bodies up there don’t want to eat anything. They’re just doing what I tell ’em.”

  “And what’s the point of this display?”

  “The point? I don’t know what you …” Mauk suddenly chuckled. “One of the boyfriends, he got bit, and you know what the others did? They smashed his skull in. Even his girlfriend.” Mauk laughed. “Goddamn morons.”

  Amber watched the corpses as they pounded on the boarded-up windows. “You’re going to kill everyone in that cabin?”

  “It’s what I do,” said Mauk. “Although this is the first time I’ve done it like this. I thought it’d be a nice change from bashing their brains in with a hammer, and it is, but I don’t think I’ll be doing it again. Takes a lot of effort to keep the dead bodies going, especially when I’m having a conversation.”

  “So sorry for distracting you,” said Amber. “Any particular reason you’re going after the people in that cabin?”

  “Do I need reasons?” he asked. “Hell, no, I don’t, and you can’t say th
at I do. Astaroth made it very clear when we agreed to this deal that I can kill whoever the hell I want to. You ask him, you go ahead and ask him.”

  “I don’t have to,” said Amber. “I know the terms of your contract better than you. I’m just curious as to who would deserve this kind of death.”

  “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it,” said Mauk. “They were there. That’s all the reason I need.” He frowned. “What, you got a bleeding heart for these morons? How can you be Astaroth’s representative if you’ve got a bleeding heart for the innocent?”

  “Better a bleeding heart than a bleeding nose,” Amber said, and banged the hammer into his face.

  Mauk stumbled back, blood pumping, and she dropped the hammer and took the trail back to the Charger. Once she was there, she cleared a space in the grass around her.

  “What do you reckon?” she asked Milo as he walked up.

  “About what?”

  “The kids in the cabin.”

  He frowned. “Your parents are close, and we’ve already spent enough time on this little detour.”

  “But we can’t just leave, can we? Come on. Kelly was right – being Astaroth’s representative is, like …”

  “Morally reprehensible,” said Milo.

  “Jesus,” she said. “You don’t have to be a dick about it.”

  “That’s what she said.”

  “She didn’t use those exact words, though. But anyway, yeah … It is kind of, y’know, reprehensible, in a way. Even if I was forced into it – which I most definitely was – and even if I am searching for a way to stab him in the back and get out of it – which I most definitely am. But just because I’m working for the bad guy does not mean I can’t do good things when I see the opportunity. In fact, I kinda have to, to make up for it.”

  Milo narrowed his eyes. “You’re talking about being a hero.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “Yes, you are,” said Milo. “Doing good deeds. That’s what heroes do. That’s what Kelly and Ronnie and Linda and Warrick do.”

  “And the dog.”

  “We’re not heroes, Amber. We don’t have that luxury.”

  “But … but, if we don’t at least try to be, then I’m going to be a villain,” she said. “I don’t want to be a villain, Milo.”

  He glared at her. “Yeah,” he said. “Okay.”

  “Be right back,” she said, drawing a talon across her palm. She let the blood drip, forming a circle around her. The circle flashed into flame and Milo was gone and the Charger was gone and she was back in the Shining Demon’s castle.

  “Fool?” she called. “Fool, come on, I haven’t got all day.”

  When she got no answer, she left the chamber, picked the corridor with the windows to hurry down. She was halfway along when Bigmouth came shuffling out of the shadows.

  “Where’s Fool?” she asked. “Hello? Edgar? Listen, it doesn’t matter. Can you take this to it?”

  Bigmouth shook his head.

  “Just hand it over – it’ll be fine.”

  He scribbled on the slate around his neck, and showed her.

  Can’t. Not allowed.

  “Then where is Fool?” Amber said angrily. “I’m in a hurry, Edgar. Bring it here, now.”

  Bigmouth scribbled again.

  Not Edgar. Bigmouth. I am only Bigmouth now.

  She sighed. “Fine. Bigmouth. Could you get Fool, please? Could you do that?”

  Bigmouth nodded, and shuffled away.

  Amber looked out of the window, over the forest of twisted trees, across the river, to the palace of the Blood-dimmed King that stood high and proud in the vast city, with steeples like daggers slicing into the dark sky. A cold wind came from that palace, and it brought the screams with it. She could only imagine the suffering going on behind those walls.

  Footsteps made her turn, as Bigmouth guided Fool towards her.

  “Finally,” she said. “Where were you? Never mind, I don’t even want to know. Here, I have an offering for you.”

  “Not for me,” said Fool. “For the Master.”

  “Yes, that’s what I meant, for you to give to him.” She held out the pouch. “This is from Elias Mauk.”

  Fool bared its glass-shard teeth. “Don’t like Elias Mauk. He shouted at me and kicked me.”

  “He is a bit of a tool, all right. You’ll take this to Lord Astaroth?”

  “Of course,” said Fool, accepting the pouch with both hands.

  Amber didn’t bother to thank him; she just turned and hurried back to the chamber. She stepped into the circle of fire, stomped her foot on the flames and the fire went out and the castle vanished and she was back beside the Charger.

  She walked back up the trail, past the point where they’d met Mauk, and carried on. She found Milo standing at the treeline, looking at the corpses shuffling around the cabin. Even from here, she could hear the raised, panicked voices of the kids inside.

  “Where’s Mauk?” she asked.

  “Got bored and went home,” said Milo, and looked at her. “Everything go well in Hell?”

  “Fine. What’s the plan here? How do we stop them? Destroy the brain?”

  “That won’t work.”

  “How do you know?”

  He jerked his thumb to the left, where a headless corpse was walking into a tree. “It’s not the brain that Mauk controls,” he said. “It’s everything.”

  “Well, okay,” Amber said, her hands growing to talons. “I guess it’s lucky I’m in the mood to slice and dice.”

  She strode over to the nearest corpse. “Hey there,” she said, and it turned, and she slashed at it until every muscle was severed, and it lay on the ground in a moaning, trembling heap.

  One down.

  THEY HEADED NORTH-WEST, PASSING through Nashville, St Louis and then on through Kansas City. With every roadside marker and town sign they left in their rear-view, they drew closer to Amber’s parents. She could feel it in her gut. She could feel them, their presence, a heavy sensation that kept on building. She hoped they were running. She hoped they were hiding. She hoped they knew someone was tracking them down. She couldn’t wait to see their faces when they realised it was their own daughter.

  Somewhere outside of Topeka, they stopped off for food. Amber had no intention of confronting her parents on an empty stomach. As she ate, she focused her mind.

  “They’re a few hours away, that’s all.”

  “And you’re sure you’re ready?” Milo asked.

  “Of course I am. What kinda question is that?”

  He shrugged. “It’s just there’s a difference between chasing them down and actually catching them.”

  “Yeah,” she said. “Catching them will be a lot more satisfying.”

  “Okay.”

  Amber sighed. “You obviously don’t agree.”

  “I neither agree nor disagree.”

  “Which is so helpful, by the way.”

  “I’m just saying, while you’re chasing them, you can be all gung-ho about it, but when you catch them … it suddenly becomes real.”

  “I’m ready for real.”

  “Just checking.”

  “You think it’ll be too much for me? I confronted them in Desolation Hill and I was good. I’m not going to choke now, right when I can end it.”

  “Can you, though?”

  “Can I what?”

  “End it?”

  “Of course. You don’t think I’m going to have the biggest smile on my face when I deliver them to Astaroth?”

  “Maybe you will,” said Milo, “but what happens after?”

  She finished her lunch and pushed her plate to one side. “What happens, happens. That’s what happens. You ready to go?”

  “Sure.”

  Amber paid for lunch and they left. She spotted a convenience store across the street. “Be right back,” she said. “Just getting water.”

  Milo gave her a half-wave and walked to the Charger as she crossed the road. As usual, he’d parke
d it out of sight – down a side alley this time, behind a dumpster. Always careful, that Milo.

  The store’s small parking lot had one car in it – a rusty death trap with an I Brake For No One bumper sticker on the rear window. A bell tinkled above the door when Amber entered, but the middle-aged slob in the grubby T-shirt barely looked up from behind the counter. Amber went to the back of the store, grabbed two bottles of spring water and a Coke.

  The bell tinkled again and a man and woman entered, both in their forties, both in suits. The woman was small and tidy, and carried herself with the air of someone who was used to people doing what she told them. The man was tall and languid, but Amber spotted a holstered gun beneath his jacket. She stayed where she was, hidden by the shelves.

  “Hello, sir,” said the woman.

  Amber peeked out as the slob behind the counter scratched his belly. “Don’t like cops,” he said.

  “We’re not cops,” the woman replied.

  “You look like cops.”

  “But we’re not. We’re Federal Agents. I’m Agent Byrd. This is my partner, Agent Sutton.”

  They showed him their IDs.

  The slob was unimpressed. “Hate Feds more than I hate cops.”

  “Do you like fire fighters?” the taller one, Sutton, said. “I have a friend who’s a fire fighter, maybe you’d like him.”

  The slob shrugged. “Got no beef with fire fighters. They fight fires.”

  “They do,” said Sutton. “It’s kinda their thing.”

  “But I don’t like cops, and I certainly don’t like Feds.”

  “This is fascinating,” said Byrd, “but we’re not actually here to talk about which branch of the Emergency or Law Enforcement Services are your least favourite. We’re looking for some people.”

  “Don’t mind ambulance drivers, neither,” said the slob. “Paramedics and such. My brother was a paramedic.”

  “Is that so?” Byrd asked, sounding bored.

  “No,” said the slob. “He was a meth addict. I just tell people he was a paramedic because that’s an actual job and it’s a good one. Being a meth addict isn’t really a job.”

  Sutton nodded. “More of a vocation.” He showed the slob a photograph. “We’re looking for two people, this girl and a man, driving a black 1970 Dodge Charger.”

  Amber’s eyes widened.