Broken

by Tia Sirrah

  ∞∞∞

  "DAMN IT!" I TURNED the key in the ignition again, only to hear a clicking sound. I rested my head against the steering wheel. This couldn’t have happened at a more inconvenient time. I was going to be late for my sonogram appointment. After calling my dad, I fired off a text message to Conner. Grabbing my things, I headed back into the boutique and waited on my ride.

  "He’s here," Skylar announced, peeking into the break room and grinning like a Cheshire cat.

  "Thanks, Sky. I’ll be out in a sec."

  She pushed her glasses up her nose. "He’s really hot, but kind of scary. He looks really pissed," she said in a hushed tone.

  Poking my head out of the door, I caught a glimpse of Conner. A few of our female customers lingered nearby, stealing glances of him as they pretended to skim through various spools fabrics. Conner seemed oblivious to their attention as he focused on his phone. His usual scowl was in place, and it seemed to be a bit more hardened. "He always looks like that," I shrugged.

  Pushing her glasses up on her nose again, a nervous twitch of Skylar’s, she cleared her throat. "Well, I better get back to the register."

  "Okay, Sky. I’ll be right there." I fluffed my hair and smoothed my hands down my mini dashiki dress. I closed my eyes and inhaled and exhaled deeply. I steadied my nerves by rubbing my round belly. Here goes nothing.

  Conner didn’t notice me at first, to absorbed in typing on his phone. This gave me a moment to stare at him unnoticed. He looked ridiculously sexy and flawless in a Brioni charcoal gray pinstripe suit. Skylar looked up from the register, her sky-blue eyes landing on a formidable Conner. Her butterscotch cheeks flushed a rose pink. "See you tomorrow, Novalee," she piped. Conner looked up from his phone at the sound of my name.

  "See you later, Sky," I said to her while my eyes were glued on my ex.

  Conner's five o’clock shadow begged to be touched. And if he were still mine, I would have, before running my fingers through his silky mane and kissing him madly.

  "Hey." He approached me and reluctantly embraced me like we were casual acquaintances and not past lovers and soon to be parents. "You look beautiful, as always," he said, before lightly brushing his fingers across my expanded belly. Conner’s eyes scanned over me as if he were cataloging my features into memory. I fidgeted under his fiery gaze. And then the spell was broken. His eyes were suddenly frosty. "You ready?" he asked as he impatiently looked down at his Rolex.

  "Yep. All set." I looked away and adjusted my purse strap on my shoulder.

  There was awkwardness between us on the car ride. I sightlessly stared out of the window. "I’ll see to it that your car is taken care of," Conner finally said.

  "No need. I already called my dad. He’s going to take care of it." Conner wordlessly nodded. "Happy belated birthday, by the way." His birthday was a week ago.

  "Thank you."

  "Did you do anything special?" I looked over at him expectantly.

  "No," he said after a beat, as he looked straight ahead. "I slept through most of it." I silently wondered if a bottle of bourbon was involved.

  ∞∞∞

  WE SAT IN CONNER’S parked car, both staring ahead and seemingly lost in our own thoughts. "I’m sorry," he finally said. I felt his eyes on me and looked over to meet his stare. "You didn’t deserve all the ridicule from the blogs and on social media."

  I shrugged. "Someone had to be painted as the villain. According to naysayers, our relationship had an expiration date from the start. This town loves your family. I was always the outsider in their eyes."

  "They don’t love my family. They only fear us. My family is far from perfect. You have no idea."

  "Someone once told me not to care about what people think of me. It’s quite liberating. Having zero fucks to give." I smiled faintly.

  "Whoever told you that sounds like a real douche," he smirked.

  "Well…." I lightly teased.

  After a few beats, he said, "I’m sorry for the shitty comment I made about having a threesome with Amy. It was tasteless and disrespectful. I didn’t mean any of it."

  I still felt the aftershocks from that conversation. I turned my head from him and stared out of my side window. Blinking back tears, I said, "I appreciate it. Apology accepted."

  "I’m sorry I let you down, angel."

  Angel. I squeezed my eyes shut at his affectionate nickname for me. I felt his fingertips brush my hand before lacing his fingers with mine. My fingers remained limp in his grasp. "I hope that one day, I can be the man you need. The man that you deserve. A man that’s worthy of you."

  Conner was the man that I needed and the only man that I’d ever truly loved down to my soul. Why didn’t he see that? "I guess we better head in," I said forlornly.

  "Let’s," he said on a sigh, before reluctantly releasing my hand.

  ∞∞∞

  WERE ABLE TO see clear images of our babies. Conner and I both watched the screen in awe, our babies stretching and sucking their tiny fists. "Thank you," Conner said before kissing my forehead. I squeezed his hand, a bevy of emotions swarming around inside of my chest and head. We both agreed to wait until the gender reveal party to find out the genders. The sonographer sealed the results in an envelope for me to give to my party planner.

  After the appointment, I asked Conner to drop me off at my parents’ house. Helena was out of town for a medical conference, but my dad and I had plans to hang out. My dad lived about thirty miles from downtown, and it wasn’t lost on me that Conner drove the longest route to get there, extending our time together. "Things better with your father?" he asked as he drove down the secluded road surrounded by tall willow trees.

  "Actually, yes. He’s really excited about becoming a granddad."

  "I’m glad to hear it," he said like he genuinely meant it. "Still hate my guts?"

  "Well…Let’s just say, there won’t be any sharp utensils around at the gender reveal party."

  He laughed heartily. God, I missed that sound. "This should be interesting."

  "Are your parents coming?" I looked over at him. His laughter died down and was replaced with a somber expression.

  "I don’t think so. Father will be out of town."

  "And your mother?"

  He shook his head. "She’s not going to be in our children’s lives."

  I studied him. "May I ask why?" He gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. "Does this have to do with her disdain for me?"

  "No."

  "Then, why?" I waited for him to say more but soon realized the conversation was over when he remained silent.

  He pulled up into my parents’ driveway and turned off the ignition. "We always end up here, don’t we? Me wanting more and you shutting me out."

  "There’s so much you don’t understand, angel. Things I just can’t tell you right now."

  "You know what? Don’t worry about it," I said dishearteningly. I was tired of going around in circles with him. "I’ll see you at the gender reveal. Take care of yourself, Conner."

  I reached for the door handle, and he reached out and clasped my hand. "Wait."

  I looked up at him and halted. Still foolish enough to have hope.

  The pain on his face nearly cracked me in two. After a few moments pause, he said, "I’ll walk you."

  I wordlessly nodded and waited for him to round the car and open my door. It wasn’t an easy feat for me, getting out of his low positioned Corvette with a stomach the size of a watermelon. I appreciated his help.

  Conner walked beside me up the cobblestone walkway. His hands were in his pockets. My arms were folded over my chest as if I was literally shielding my heart. Once at the threshold, he turned to face me. With our eyes focused on each other’s, he stroked the side of my face with his hand. "Don’t give up on me, angel."

  "You have to deal with your shit. Until then, you and I have nothing to talk about other than our babies."

  He looked down, dejected, his shoulders slumped. "You’re r
ight." He removed his hand from my face but wrapped an arm around me and pulled me close. "I will…I am. I promise," he said, before brushing his lips against my forehead. I closed my eyes, relishing in the familiarity of his touch.

  The front door abruptly opened, and my father appeared. Conner hesitantly backed up from me and stood rod straight as he looked my father in the eye. "Mr. Dumont," he said, with a curt nod.

  Dad extended a curt nod in return before looking at me. "Everything okay, Freckles?"

  "Yeah, daddy. Give us a minute, will you?" My dad’s jaw ticked as he looked from me to Conner. I raised an eyebrow at my dad and waited for him to retreat into the house. Instead, he folded his arms over his chest and leaned against the door frame.

  I rolled my eyes before looking back at Conner. Conner continued to make eye contact with my dad for a few more beats before looking back down at me. He scrubbed the side of his face with the palm of his hand. "I’d better go. I’ll call you tomorrow. Maybe we can grab some lunch sometime next week. We can talk. About the babies, of course."

  Real smooth Conner. That "talk" could happen over the phone, but I bit my tongue for two reasons. Number one, as much of a hard ass as I was trying to be, I missed him terribly and wanted nothing more than to spend time with him. Number two, I wanted to end this conversation quickly under the annoying and watchful eye of my dad. Looks like my dad and I were going to have another long discussion about boundaries. "Okay, that might work. I’ll check my schedule and let you know."

  "You do that," he said, a small smile curving on his lips. "Mr. Dumont. Always a pleasure," Conner said sarcastically with a dry chuckle, before turning and walking back to his car.

  "Good Lord, daddy. You need to chillax." I strolled past him in the foyer. I headed towards the kitchen, the smell of creole shrimp and grits wafting through my nostrils, causing my stomach to growl.

  "Chillax? Good Lord is right," he quipped, fixing us both to heaping bowls of one of his many signature dishes.

  The food was delicious and plentiful, and our communication was lighthearted as we watched ESPN. We didn’t talk about Conner. We didn’t talk about Keisha. We didn’t talk about school and my "spontaneous and questionable" decisions as of late. We simply hung out. I was sure those days would come when he’d offer fatherly advice. But today wasn’t one of those days. I simply wanted his company, and he obliged. We were slowly building the father-daughter relationship that I’d always wanted.

  Chapter 21

  THE TUTUS OR TIES gender reveal party went off without a hitch. My parents’ expansive backyard was transformed into an oasis of blue, yellow, and pink flowers. White tables and chairs were scattered about, each adorning their own floral arrangements. Ice sculptures and lily pad fountains added to the opulent décor. Servers dressed in white button-down shirts and black neckties offered trays of food and drinks to our nearly four dozen guests. A live jazz band provided the entertainment on a portable stage.

  To the unknowing eye, Conner and I looked like a happy couple. Whenever we were together, his arm rarely left my waist. His lips would often brush across my forehead, or his hand would graze my cheek. He’d affectionately rub my round belly and would lace our hands together when introducing me to his guests. When my curls would blow in my face, he would tenderly tuck the strands behind my ear. Caught up in the bliss of it all, I greedily accepted his affection, knowing that it was only temporary. When I thought about the reality of our current relationship, depression hovered nearby.

  Since our sonogram appointment, Conner had begun to slowly insert himself back into my life as the doting father-to-be. Our relationship remained strictly platonic, all traces of what we once shared lost in the wind. I worried about him constantly, and I missed him terribly. It was difficult to be around him and not be with him. But he was no longer mine, and I was no longer his. We shared an exclusive connection through our unborn twins that would forever link us together, but at some point, we would both be expected to move on. He would find someone who was more amenable, who would accept the few parts of him that he was willing to give. I would find someone who was kind and safe, who would be willing to give me all of him. The irony was, I would never be capable of giving another man all my heart. That would always belong to Conner.

  When it was time for the gender reveal, Conner and I stood in front of the smiling crowd, both holding a popper. The countdown began. Three, two, one! The popper strings were pulled by everyone in attendance, followed by blue confetti catapulting high into the sky. Fountains, which were situated on the outskirts of the party space, simultaneously sprayed blue lit water from their spouts. An eruption of screams, whistles, and applause echoed throughout the party. I squealed in delight, and Conner beamed a bright smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

  ∞∞∞

  I RECLINED IN THE PASSENGER seat of Conner’s car and was lulled to sleep almost instantly. The heat of his hand against my cheek stirred me awake. "We’re home," he said, the deep timbre of his voice coaxing me.

  In my haze, I leaned into his hand. I blinked a few times and focused on his green irises as they bore into me. I was practically spellbound, as I studied the dilation of his eyes, the gray in them deepening. I didn’t move an inch, not with him so close to me. Not with the way his hand cradled my cheek. Not with the way his lips were but a breath away from mine. Not with the way his eyes skimmed to my lips momentarily. My heart stuttered in my chest, and I knew that if he leaned over to kiss me, I wouldn’t pull away. But where would that leave us? Absolutely nothing had been resolved.

  I broke away from our connection first. With a slight turn of my head, I moved out of his grasp and immediately mourned the loss of his touch. "Thanks for the ride," I said, as I adjusted my seat into the upright position.

  Something close to dejection flickered in his eyes for a moment, then it was gone. "I’ll walk you up."

  We rode the elevator in silence, both standing a few feet apart from one another. I locked my eyes on the display numbers above, while I twirled a curly lock of hair around my finger. Conner leaned casually against the back wall with his hands in his pockets; his eyes also focused on the display numbers.

  "You and my dad. Where did you two run off to?" Towards the end of the party, I saw my dad lead Conner back to the house alone. They were gone for quite some time.

  "He wanted to discuss a few things with me in private."

  "What things?"

  "My intentions," he said nonchalantly as he looked over at me.

  The elevator doors opened, and we exited together. His hand was on the small of my back, its heat branding me.

  I arched an eyebrow at Conner, beckoning him to continue. "He made it very clear where I could shove said intentions," he said, a smirk curving his lips.

  We approached my door. Intentions, huh? I wasn’t thrilled over the fact that they were discussing Conner’s intentions, especially when I wasn’t privy to said intentions.

  The look on my face must have clued Conner in. He moved to stand in front of me, and I tipped my head back to look up at him. He studied my face, his eyes probing. "I’m not giving up on us."

  I gave a minute shake of my head. I still had hope for us, but I needed to see some changes before I went back to him. "Conner…" I said, my voice conveying my exasperation and uncertainty.

  Conner pulled me closer to him and wrapped his arms around me. Resting his chin on top of my head, he said, "I’m working through my demons."

  "I just want you to be okay." I want us to be okay. I don’t want to be a distraction for you in your journey to healing. Those words were stuck in my throat.

  "I’m managing, but I won’t be okay until I have you back. Until I can give you all that you need and deserve."

  "What is it that you think I need?" It was easier to have this conversation in our current stance, my cheek against his chest, his chin atop my head.

  "All of me," he simply said, the sadness in his voice apparent. It felt so good being this close. Liste
ning to his heartbeat. Breathing him in. "I understand why you left me. I pushed you away. It damn near destroyed me, losing you. But it’s what needed to happen, for me to get my shit together."

  "I don’t know what’s going on with you, Conner. But I’ve lived through enough trauma and pain to recognize it in someone else." I could feel his tense body radiating against mine. His energy literally drained me, as if our pain and trauma were connected. "Conner…we’re broken. Both of us. I once thought that if we put our broken pieces together, we could make each other whole. But…" I trailed off.

  "But we can’t. It’s not enough," he ruefully said. A few beats passed. "Look…I…uh...I better go." He placed a gentle kiss on my forehead. "Is it okay if I come back later? I’m not quite ready to say goodnight yet. My meeting should take about an hour. I can be back in two."

  "A meeting? Work?" It was nearly 8 o’clock.

  He shook his head. "No, not work." He hesitated. "AA."

  I couldn’t help the splitting smile on my face. "That’s great, Conner."

  He gave a faint smile. "I promised my sponsor, Jim, that I’d meet him there." Jim. I knew that name. Conner had introduced me to Jim at the gender reveal party. Jim was a forty-something year old man with an easy smile, a neck tattoo, and warm eyes. I liked him immediately.

  "Do you still have your spare key?"

  His features slightly relaxed. "I do."

  "Good," I smiled. "Then, I’ll see you later." I stood on my tippy toes and kissed his cheek. "Bye, Conner."

  "Bye, angel," he said, his lips curving into one of his rare panty-dropping smiles.

  ∞∞∞

  A FEW HOURS LATER, I was awakened by the feel of strong arms banded around me. "Shhh, it’s okay. It’s me." Conner’s voice soothed me, and I nuzzled my face into the crook of his neck. Even in my slightly disoriented and sleepy state, I could feel him lifting me from the couch and carrying me to bed. In my underwear. Oops. I discarded my dress long ago and had planned to change into some pajamas before Conner arrived. I fell asleep before I mustered up the energy to change my clothes.