If I Love You

by Tmonique Stephens

  Kensley handed her plate off to Bear and let the comforter fall away as she rose to her knees and came to him. “I know you’re not. Sometimes the wisest thing you can do is nothing.” She ran her hands up his arms until she circled his neck. He remained distant, stiff, yet that didn’t deter her. “There’s nothing wrong with taking the time to find yourself.”

  “Find myself, huh?” he grimaced. However, his hands stroked her back. “I joined the military to find myself and lost more than I counted on.”

  “What did you lose, Noah?” She suspected he’d never had this conversation with anyone, and now, here he was, opening up…to her.

  “I—I lost friends. Men who counted on me as I counted on them. Men who died…while I lived.” His mouth opened, and he wanted to say more, yet didn’t.

  Her heart ached for him, and it took a moment to swallow down the knot locking her throat. “It’s okay. I understand.”

  He shook his head. “No, no, you don’t. You really don’t.”

  True enough, but she wanted to understand. For him, she wanted to understand everything. “Then explain it to me.”

  ✽✽✽

  Life. Survivor’s remorse. PTSD. Guilt.

  His tongue locked up. Never one short on words, now he couldn’t find any.

  “Hey,” she took his face between her hands. “It’s all right. You don’t have to tell me. Just know, when you’re ready, I’m here.” Softly, she kissed his cheek as if he were a child needing comfort. She wasn’t wrong. He did need comfort, the kind only she could provide.

  He fisted a handful of her hair and brought her head back for a hard kiss. A part of him wanted her to push him away, to push him for his obvious evasion, his lie of omission though she had no idea…his fucking cowardice.

  Instead, Kensley did the opposite. Her lips parted, and she welcomed him inside, yielded her body like the gift she was. Tiramisu, that’s how she tasted. Maybe it was the coffee. No, it was her, all her, and he couldn’t get enough.

  He pushed her back until the bed cushioned them, her flat, him stretched out on top of her. She was liquid beneath him, undulating so that her nipples brushed his chest, and their pelvises played bump and grind. He wanted to cage her, trapped her to his side, yet at the same time, let her free. He shouldn’t have touched her, didn’t deserve her. Yet how could he resist this, the heat in his veins, the need in his gut? How could he deny what she made him feel? He couldn’t. He wasn’t man enough.

  She hooked her leg around his waist, anchoring herself.

  He didn’t have much, but what he had was hers. He was hers.

  Her hand found their way inside his sweats. He groaned at the first touch of her fingers around his length, of her palm stroking him. Head thrown back, she had complete access to lick his throat. Her tongue glided over his skin to his collarbone. She sunk her teeth into his flesh. He hissed at the sting, though not in pain. The pain grounded him, made the fantasy real. Otherwise, he’d never believe he could ever be this damn lucky.

  His phone rang, and they froze. He wanted to ignore it, he really did. Fuck it, he would’ve ignored it.

  Then the phone landed on his forehead.

  He grunted. “What the—” he lost the power of speech when her teeth sunk into his left nipple.

  “Answer it.” She ordered between soothing licks. “Could be important.” She continued working her way down his body.

  Brain on automatic, he swiped across the screen.

  “Yo, Polly, You there?”

  Ice water dumped into his veins. Noah lurched into an upright position and rolled away from Kensley. “Tobias?” he questioned, not using the more familiar Gator nickname Tobias picked up in the Marines due to him growing in Gainesville, Florida.

  “Hey, nice of you to finally answer your phone. That’s how you treat your best friend?”

  Tobias wasn’t lying. They’d been as close as brothers since boot camp. “Been busy.” Noah tried to keep the guilt out of his voice.

  “Yeah. I feel you.”

  Which meant Tobias wouldn’t push for more than Noah was willing to give.

  “I’m gonna be in the area in a few days. I wanna meet up. Catch up.”

  Aw fuck! Kensley sat next to him. In all her naked glory, watching, listening. Had she heard what Tobias called him? Polly, short for Pollyanna due to his rosy outlook on life. That was before his men were killed. How would she feel with another member showing up in town? Not good with it being a reminder of Kevin. “Yeah, we can do that. Call me when you get into town.”

  “Will do. See you soon, Polly.”

  Noah ended the call and turned the phone off. All prim and proper, Kensley sat with her legs folded under her, so demure for being naked in his bed. He waited for the questioning to begin because it was damn well coming.

  “Military buddy?” she asked.

  “Yeah.” Keep the answers short.

  She crawled across the bed and pushed him to his back. “I’m glad you have a friend.”

  A friend. He couldn’t deny it when he’d cut off all the rest. Tobias refused to get the message. Tenacious bastard.

  Her blunt nails stroked down the center of his chest and slid inside his sweats. He let her fevered hands have their way, stroking and cupping his sex. He rocked into her palm, the friction had him groaning between kisses. His blood pounded in his ear, drowning out everything except her needy sighs.

  “Off.” She tugged on his sweats.

  He shoved them down, completely freeing his raging hard-on. She brought him to her as she lay back and spread herself like a buffet to glide his length along her wet folds. Her throaty groan was all kinds of yes, but he had other ideas.

  Noah nudged her back and sank between her spread thighs. He sucked on her clit, lapped at her sex as she cried out and bucked. She latched onto a handful of his hair to keep him in place as if he wanted to be anywhere else. A fine tremble had her legs quivering, a precursor to her exploding he’d learned last night from her multiple orgasms.

  He yanked free, lost a few strands of hair in the process, and dragged her to him. She snagged a fresh condom from the top of the crate that doubled as a nightstand, ripped it open, and covered his length.

  With a hard thrust, he joined their bodies. “Oh, hell!” she cried, then he was lost in her slick walls, pounding into her. Each thrust she met with a flex of her hips, taking him deeper into her body.

  “Baby,” he groaned.

  Kensley brought her legs up. He hooked them, spread her wide while she grabbed his beard, and brought him down for a kiss. Never would he have guessed she’d be like this in bed. Get her clothes off, and his buttoned-up RN was wild, untamed, and he fucking loved it. Loved her.

  Ah, shit!

  Right now, he couldn’t tell whether he cursed over his silent confession or the way she sucked on his tongue while her pussy clenched around his cock. She burned up, and so slick their bodies created a symphony. His balls tightened, threatening to explode. He didn’t want it, not yet. Pleasure so good it couldn’t end, he wouldn’t let it.

  Noah palmed her ass, tilted her hips to the perfect angle, and drove into her. Her nails dug deep into his shoulders, and she let out a low moan. “I’m gonna come,” she groaned. Her walls fisted around him. He scooped her up, kissed her like she was the last woman on earth because for him, she was.

  He loved her. Damn, he loved her so much. The words were there. But even as his orgasm barreled through him, he held back, kept that part for him alone. She wasn’t ready to hear his truth… and he wasn’t ready to share.

  Twenty-One

  Kensley wasn’t stupid. She knew he distracted her with sex instead of sharing the deepest part of himself. Sharing weaknesses and fear, and your lowest moments with someone was ten times more intimate than sex. The type of connection that forged a bond strong enough to bridge that gap, well, they weren’t there yet. But she wanted it. And she was willing to wait to get it.

  “Are you sure you have to go in?” he as
ked, taking a slow turn onto Main Street.

  The roads were treacherous again. Last night’s snowfall hadn’t been plowed. The only things on the road were cars with four-wheel drives or those with chain tires. As is, their speed topped off at twenty miles an hour.

  “I called the office and didn’t get an answer, but I also called Dr. Fitzroy, and he didn’t answer. He could be on his way in.”

  Noah grunted his disapproval.

  “He’s a dedicated doctor. If there’s a will, he will find a way. There are worst things to be.” She folded her arms and kept her focus on the road.

  Noah chuckled. “Remind me never to get on your bad side.” She answered him with a glare. “All I’m saying is that it’s dangerous out here. Most people will have enough sense to stay home.”

  True enough but, “And those that don’t have enough sense, should they not have medical care?”

  “Not what I said. If they’re too stupid to stay home—”

  “Too stupid to stay home!” she took offense. “Some people are really sick and—”

  “If they’re that ill, then shouldn’t they go to the hospital and not a clinic?” The truck rolled to a stop at a red light.

  She didn’t like his judgmental tone. “Some people don’t like hospitals. Some people are afraid of them. Some people don’t have insurance and can’t afford an ER visit for a bad cough or cut.” She eyed him dryly, quietly reminding him of the first time they’d met. Plus, he hadn’t followed up with Dr. Fitzroy. Slightly ashamed she hadn’t checked the wound herself because she’d been too busy screwing, that would end today. Not the screwing. She planned on a lot more of that. Nurse Jacobs was back on duty, re-energized, and refocused.

  “Alright. I get your point.”

  Good. “Dr. Fitzroy takes anyone who needs help regardless of insurance or if they can pay. The town would be lost without his clinic.”

  The back tires skidded as he took the next turn onto Cobb Street. One hand shot out to grab the dashboard, the other Noah’s thigh. He arched an eyebrow when he got the truck back under control.

  Better than an I told you so, she ignored him and focused on the road.

  “What time do you get off work?”

  “Around four p.m., give or take how busy we are.”

  Noah turned the last corner onto the street where the clinic was located. Usually, a few cars were already in the parking lot with their owners lined up waiting for the door to open. Some would have thermoses filled with coffee. Mrs. Peters preferred hot chocolate with rum in it. She’d bring enough to share regardless of how often they told her not to. The regulars loved it when she showed up because of her asthma. She always came on the third Saturday, today, in fact.

  But there was no one, except for Dr. Fitzroy’s Hummer parked on the street and not in the usual spot. Which made sense since the parking lot wasn’t plowed. Noah was right though the main streets were recently cleared, nothing else was.

  But Dr. Fitzroy had made it in.

  “Pull over, and I’ll dart in.”

  He glared at her, then parked carefully behind the Hummer. He met her at the grill, and hand in hand, they climbed over the somewhat pristine snowbank. At the top of the man-made mountain, that’s when she saw a body slumped against the glass window. Dr. Fitzroy. His coat unzipped with a shovel next to him.

  “Oh, God, no! Doc!” She screamed and trudged-ran across the knee-high snow-covered lot. Noah beat her by a few seconds. He dropped to pick him up. “Don’t move him!” She flopped into the snow next to them. He was still, so damn still and blue tainted his lips. It’s from the cold, she told herself even as she acknowledged he appeared dead.

  She stripped off her gloves and pressed her fingers to his carotid. A thready beat struggled to pump blood to his brain.

  “Get him inside,” she ordered while fishing the phone out of her purse. The door was unlocked. She held it open as Noah swept past her and rushed to the first treatment bay.

  “911 what is your emergency?”

  “I’m at the clinic off Fifth and Stetson with Dr. Fitzroy. I think he’s had a heart attack.” She put the phone on speaker and dropped it onto the bedside table. “I’m his RN, and I found him outside. Don’t know how long. I’m assessing now.” Her hands shook as she struggled to open Dr. Fitzroy’s coat.

  “Understand,” came the disembodied voice.

  On the opposite side of the stretcher, Noah said, “What do you need me to do?”

  “Get his coat open.” Kensley raced to the other side of the room for the AED defibrillator. She plopped it on the rolling bedside table and attached the paddles. She started the machine and ordered Noah to “Step away.”

  The machine went through its checklist and delivered a shock. Dr. Fitzroy jerked, all his muscles seized, and relaxed.

  Rapid sinus rhythm. His heartbeat was back to normal. He’ll live, for now. Knees wobbly from the adrenaline bleeding from her system, she collapsed into a nearby plastic chair.

  Noah crouched next to her and took her hands. “You saved him.”

  “The machine saved him.”

  He shook his head. “You’re wrong. You insisted on being here knowing he would be here. If you hadn’t, how long would it have been before he was found?”

  “Too long.” And too late. A shudder ran through her at the horror averted.

  The warble of an ambulance reached her. Noah headed for the exit without her asking. It took another fifteen minutes for the EMTs to navigate through the snow and enter the clinic. Two men and Noah entered with a backboard and supplies. “He’s tachycardic but stable enough to move.”

  They performed a quick triage, and then the four of them got him on the backboard which was easier than dealing with a stretcher. Back through the snow, they went first to the ambulance, where they loaded the patient.

  “Come on.” Noah guided her back to his truck. He took the keys out of her coat pocket and handed her the keys to his truck. “Get it started while I turned off the lights and lock up. We’ll follow the ambulance.”

  Normally a half an hour drive, today it took over an hour. And that was just the beginning. They made her wait like a regular person in the waiting room with all the other family members worried about their loved ones.

  Only, she wasn’t a relative. Like her, Dr. Fitzroy had no one. His wife died years ago, and they had no children. Work and his patients were his life. Dedication to both had nearly killed him. Though there was a sister and a niece in Arizona.

  He would’ve died, either from the heart attack or the cold while I lounged in bed.

  “Don’t do that,” Noah said over the low-level noise of the waiting room. “Don’t blame yourself. His heart attack is not your fault.”

  How did he know her thoughts, unless…? “Did I—”

  “Yeah, you said it out loud.”

  She wasn’t wrong, but neither was he. The clock above the intake triage center showed five p.m. They’d been here almost seven hours. Noah had left and brought back food from the hospital cafeteria. First, a breakfast burrito and coffee. Then when the hours got long, a tuna sandwich and a bag of potato chips. She hated tuna but ate it anyway.

  “You should go.” This wasn’t the first time she’d suggested he leave.

  “Not going anywhere.” He stretched out his legs, crossed them at the ankles, and made himself comfortable.

  “Thanks,” she mumbled. Having him here made the wait tolerable. Having him here calmed the scream that scraped the back of her throat. Finding Dr. Fitzroy…having his life in her hands…

  Noah handed her a tissue. She frowned, wondering why. That’s when she realized her cheeks were wet. Quickly, she ducked her head and mopped up. He took her hand and threaded his fingers through hers.

  A sob broke free, and the next thing she knew her head was buried in Noah’s chest.

  “It’s okay. I’m here. Let it out.”

  Even before she became an RN, she didn’t cry in public. It drew unwanted attention, and sh
e had to be strong. Always and foremost. The only person she’d ever depended on, her grandmother, was gone. Now here was Noah with his arms around her, accepting her grief when he could’ve left her hours ago.

  He stroked her back, said something soothing that was too low to hear, but the words reverberated in his chest. She liked how it felt, his chest beneath her cheek, even though a thick sweater separated their skin. They’d spent the night locked in a sensual battle with a few hours of sleep between the pleasure. She needed it again, needed him as much as possible.

  “Kensley Jacobs?” The triage nurse called from her station.

  Kensley pulled out of the comfort of his arms and lurched to her feet. Stiff from sitting so long, her muscles protested the unexpected motion. She kind of hobbled over to the nurse waiting at the security door. “Dr. Fitzroy is asking for you.”

  “That’s a good sign, right?” Noah asked as the door closed behind them.

  Not necessarily. She steeled her emotions because whatever the outcome, she was grateful he’d awaken and could speak. They entered his room, which was a glass enclosure with curtains for privacy, a definite step up from the clinic’s open bay area.

  Propped on a pillow, the bed tilted to give him the sense he wasn’t flat on his back, Dr. Fitzroy glared at the doctor next to his bed. “Sir, I know you’ve been a doctor longer than I’ve been alive. With respect, that is beside the point. I am not releasing you. You are not stable, and you cannot take care of yourself. Now, Dr. Metcalf got the report from the Cath lab, and he’s on his way in.”

  “What’s going on?” she demanded, knowing neither man had to answer her. She wasn’t a family member. Even if she was family, Dr. Fitzroy was alert and oriented, and stubborn as hell.

  “I have a blockage in my heart.” Dr. Fitzroy gave a ‘no biggie’ shrugged.

  “You have an eighty percent blockage of the blood flow to your heart—”

  Dr. Fitzroy pounded the bed with his fist. “You’re speaking to a fellow doctor and an RN! We both know what an eighty percent blockage is. Do you think so little of us that you need to explain as if we didn’t make it past middle school!” The heart and BP monitors joined in his outrage, screeching as loud as he shouted.