If I Love You

by Tmonique Stephens

  His voice dropped to a sexy purr. “No, but you can tell me in bed later.”

  She loved the way he sounded and his sultry his words. Them, in bed later. Let’s see how fast she could eat to make that happen.

  A shadow fell over the table, and she looked up, expecting to see the waiter back to refresh their drinks. Instead, the mayor stood at the table. He was dressed in his casual wear; natty pastel polo shirt beneath a staid cardigan and dad jeans. He snagged a chair from a nearby empty table and, without any invitation, joined them.

  Surprise and fury stole her voice. A quick glance confirmed they were the center of attention. Now, she cared because a scream balanced on her tongue.

  “Glad I ran into you here.” The mayor’s gaze darted between the two of them. He nodded at Kensley, as if she were a constituent and not his daughter—which was fine with her—then settle on Noah. “I’ve been calling you. Did you get my messages?”

  What messages? She wanted to know.

  Body tense and at attention, Noah said, “Yes, sir.”

  Frowning, the mayor folded his arms. “And have you made your decision?”

  Now it was her gaze flipping between Noah and the mayor. A cold wedge settled in her chest. “What decision?” she demanded as the server refreshed their water glasses. The quiet gave her the answer. “This is about Founder’s Day?”

  “It’s five days away. I need an answer,” the mayor said, his attention focused on Noah.

  “His answer is no,” she growled, jumping into the conversation. “No. He’s not going to Founder’s Day.”

  Noah’s rough hand covered her fist, the hand she’d balled tight enough to leave crescent marks in her palm. “I’m going to Founder’s Day, Kensley.”

  She jerked as if slapped. Then yanked her hand away. Now, both were balled in her lap.

  “I can’t pass up this opportunity to speak on behalf of the veterans in this area. If I’m going to be a voice, it can’t only be in my head. Speaking in front of the city council and the governor would be—

  She heard enough and leaped to her feet. Noah’s hand on her elbow halted her. She glared at him, yanked her hand free, and stormed into the cold night, determined to get the fuck away from both assholes. They could have each other. Just like that, she wrote both off. She was done, done, done.

  “Kensley, wait!”

  She kept moving. One foot in front of the other. Luckily, the sidewalks had been plowed, so she wasn’t trudging through drifts. It didn’t matter. Noah’s longer legs caught up to her in no time.

  “Can we talk?”

  “Not when you’ve already made your decision.” One foot in front of the other, her breath frosted in the cold air obscuring his face. Damn, it was cold. She left the restaurant so fast, she hadn’t zipped up. And her gloves were in the truck.

  “It was the only decision I could make. I have a responsibility. If I can be a voice, get the hire ups to listen to their issues, then I’m going to do it.”

  He was right. Absolutely right. At any other time, she would’ve been proud. Different town, different mayor, she would’ve been front row. But here and now, no. Hell no. The memory of her brother wouldn’t let her.

  “Screw this!”

  She expected him to walk away and leave her on the sidewalk to make her way home by herself. That’s what she wanted regardless of the fact her house was miles away, and it was fucking cold. She didn’t expect to end up tossed over his shoulder and carried back to the car.

  “Put me down!” In vain, she tried to wiggle out of his grasp and got nowhere except winded. Yelling with a muscular shoulder pushed into your diaphragm was impossible.

  Red, white, and blue lights flashed, and a police car paced them. The window rolled down, and Officer Mick stared out of the patrol car at them. Noah didn’t even slow down. She expected Mick to do something, not sit in his patrol car like a damn spectator at a sporting event. The window rolled up, the flashing lights ceased, and the police car drove on bye. Her tax dollars at work.

  So shocked, she forgot to be outraged even when Noah dumped her into the passenger seat and slammed the door hard enough to rock the truck. Once in the driver’s seat, he gunned the engine, made it roar before putting it in drive and peeling out of the parking lot.

  Not a single sound crossed either of their lips. He focused on the street, and she focused on the view outside of her passenger window. She’d planned to ask him to go to the cemetery with her. Then maybe they could’ve spent the night in the city. Losing themselves in New York would be easy and would help to distract her from Kevin’s death, Founder’s Day, and their birthday.

  Now, Noah and Founder’s Day could kiss her ass.

  Tears burned her eyes, but she refused, refused, to shed a single one. Her heart ached, but she chalked it up to indigestion. All she had to do was get home and barricade herself inside. Send Noah and his dog packing. Damn it, nothing had changed. She needed out of this fucking town. When did she stop obsessing over leaving?

  She knew when and was disgusted with herself. God, she had bad judgment. Dangle a big dick and a few muscles in front of her, and all her priorities evaporated. Not anymore. Me first. What she needed, wanted, couldn’t live without comes first. The rest could go to hell.

  The truck pulled into her driveway. She was out and stomping over the packed snow before he’d parked. Noah was right there with her by the time she had her key in the lock. Bear tackled her the second the door opened. She tried to push him away, but no one her size pushed away a one-hundred-and-twenty-pound dog. He wanted attention, and he would get it.

  “Bear! Heel!” At Noah’s sharp tone, his dog whined and dropped to his haunches and didn’t move.

  Immediately she missed his slobbering. Right now, she wanted nothing more than to bury her head in his fur and sob. She sidestepped the dog and moved into the house, to the living room. She needed something between them. The loveseat would have to do. “Please leave.”

  Standing at the threshold to her living room, he was impossibly large and impossibly sexy with his coat open, and his white Henley plastered to his sculpted chest. An unreadable expression on his face, she refused to guess his thoughts.

  Suddenly, he spun, patted his thigh, and snarled, “Come, Bear.” And they were gone, the front door slamming behind the man and the dog.

  She flipped both locks and engaged the security system. Her coat and purse were tossed on the sofa. Her stomach growled as she walked past the kitchen. So much for having Italian. She hadn’t even tasted a bite of her food. Did Noah pay the bill? The last thing she needed was a warrant on her for skipping the tab.

  She opened the refrigerator…and stood there for five minutes, not seeing the half-filled contents, but his face as he stood in her house after she told him to leave. What was he thinking? Feeling?

  Why do you even care? She slammed the door hard enough to rattle the jars on the inside. Food was the last thing on her mind. Stripping on the way to the bathroom, she left a trail and didn’t stop until frigid water pelted her body, which matched the block of ice around her heart.

  Oh, how she wished that were true. Cold on the outside, her anger had enough energy to power the space shuttle. She was furious, the type of furious that had no end because injustice in any form was injustice, and Kevin deserved better. So much better than what happened to him. Dead in a foreign country.

  Tears mingled with the water cascading overhead.

  I could’ve ended up dead here.

  The voice in her head was a memory, nothing supernatural. Not mystical. The voice was just an extension of herself. A projection of her lonely heart created to give her comfort when none was to be had.

  Would that have been better, Kens?

  That’s all he ever called her since he formed his first words. Kens.

  Me dead here instead of over there?

  “Dead is d-dead.” Shivering, her teeth clattered over the patter of water hitting the tile.

  It ain’t his fau
lt. You’re punishing the wrong person.

  “His decision—”

  Was the only decision he could make, and it was right. He didn’t fire the bullet that killed me.

  “I know that!” She pounded a fist into the tile. Of course, she knew that. She wasn’t some idiot that saw conspiracy stories around every corner. When Noah told her what happened, it made perfect sense. She had no reason to believe he’d lied. His honesty reached across the room and stabbed her. Then he scooped her up and put her back together. His tenderness was her Achilles’ heel. One-touch of his lips on her skin, the brush of his lips at the corner of her mouth, and that’s all it took for her to let go of the pain and latch on to Noah.

  He became her lifeline, her navigator through the heartbreak. He led her out of the darkness into the light-filled with hope, fantasy, and love.

  I can’t love him. The truth whispered in her head.

  But what if you did? Why did the voice in her head now sound like Kevin?

  I can’t. Stubbornness wasn’t a virtue.

  But what if you did. Kevin insisted, pressing her as only her little brother could. She’d never been able to lie to him. He knew that and wouldn’t let her do so now.

  If I love him…I have to let go of you.

  No reply because it wasn’t possible. Dead or alive, Kevin would always be with her. Nothing could replace him. As long as she lived, he lived.

  She cut the water off and wrapped a towel around her body and another one around her hair. God, she was practically frozen. She shuffled into her bedroom and clicked on the space heater. Huddling close, she tried to wipe her mind clean, go into that Zen space they spoke of in the single yoga class she’d taken. And failed. She didn’t need Zen to know she’d fucked up, and no amount of Zen could fix it. But she could.

  She had to.

  She dragged on some clothes, not caring how she looked and headed for the car.

  Twenty-Five

  When would the snow end? This was the price of living near the Great Lakes. Never-ending snow. Another lakefront storm system predicted later tonight, and it would be a doozy. A full blizzard by the time midnight arrived. The houses on the lake would be buried, and the town would only fare marginally better. Quite possibly, Noah would be trapped … and she would be in the same boat. Trapped in a small cabin for god knows how long.

  Good.

  Trapped meant she had plenty of time to grovel.

  Grovel was too strong a word. Sincerely apologizing was better. She knew exactly what she’d say the moment she arrived. “I’m sorry,” would be the first thing out of her mouth. And probably the second and third. She’d keep apologizing until her throat was raw.

  The car rolled to a stop in front of the cabin. Before her nerves gave out and she turned the car around, she cut the engine and peered out the windshield at the cabin.

  Smoke curled from the chimney, and a soft glow framed the window curtains, the fit imperfect. The curtain shifted a fraction, and a body blocked the light within. Barking reached the safety of the car.

  Drying her palms on her jeans, and a deep breath to steady her racing heart, she climbed out of the car. Now was not a good time for her knees to shake. She locked them and moved forward. He could turn her away. Slam the door in her face. Maybe she deserved it, maybe she didn’t. In a few seconds, she’d know.

  The door opened on a squeaky hinge, and there he was, standing in the middle, taking up all the space. Backlit, his face remained in the shadow, his expression unreadable.

  He didn’t say a word as she made the trek up his long driveway. A gust of wind streamed around her, kicked up loose snow from the drifts lining a path from the driveway to the river, creating a mini-white out. The cold seeped into her causing her muscles to stiffen. She needed warmth and knew where she’d find it and whom she’d find it with.

  She’d planned on stopping a few feet away and saying her peace, get it all out in the open. No more secrets. Time to rip the bandage off and bleed out. Her feet had other ideas and kept moving forward. One step in front of the other until her arms were wrapped around him. It took three excruciating seconds, for his arms to wrap around her body and fuse them together. He was warm, and the scent of the forest clung to his sweater. Nothing had ever felt so right.

  “I’m sorry,” but it was muffled in his chest.

  He brought her chin up, brushed her damp hair away from her face, and gripped her nape tightly. “I don’t need your apology. I just need you.” His kiss was nothing more than a brush of their lips, then he swept her off her feet and carried her inside. Bear danced around their legs as the kiss went from reverent to erotic. He plundered her mouth with his velvet tongue. His stroke shallow, teasing. She moaned, giving him greater access. He went in deep and twined his tongue along with hers. She wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close. This was more than a kiss, and they both felt it, knew it.

  Noah didn’t stop kissing her until they were upstairs and in the bedroom with Bear whining on the other side of the door.

  Between the slip and slide of their tongues and the trapped moans vibrating in her chest, he stripped off her coat and got his hands under her sweater, on her breasts. Easy access since she hadn’t bothered with a bra, hoping for this very scenario of her nipples between his knuckles. He rolled them, tweaked them gently, until they were stiff and throbbing, matching the heat between her legs.

  He tasted like scotch, she realized, and pulled away to cup his jaw. He wasn’t drunk, though she could tell he’d kicked back more than one. Because of her. “I’m—”

  “I love you.” His voice a deep rumble that vibrated through her body.

  Startled, all she could do was blink. I love you was the last thought on her mind. But now it was front and center, stamped onto her frontal lobe as if he’d taken a sledgehammer to her forehead. It was too fast, too soon for him to utter those three words, yet she felt the same way. What else could’ve dragged her out in a budding storm? What else had her prepared to plead for his forgive? So why had the words lodged in her throat?

  Maybe she needed more time because the last person she said those three words too had ripped her heart out of her chest.

  “I love you,” he repeated, his voice now a soft murmur, his hands caressing her nipples. “But I’m still going to Founder’s Day. Not sure what I’m going to say, but I’m going.”

  She braced for the resentment to unfurl in her gut, yet there was none. A bit of sadness, absolutely. No anger. No bitterness. Kevin would’ve wanted him to go and represent him and all the Vets without a voice. It had to be Noah.

  This was right.

  She was wrong.

  Kensley swallowed the lump, blocking her throat. Her hands went under his sweater. He hissed and leaned closer, which had her stroking his abs. “Good. I’m glad you are. No one in this town should be up there more than you speaking on behalf of the men you care about, the men you honor every day. You’re a good man. A loyal man. An honest man.” And you have more courage than I ever had.

  He brought her to him again, melding their mouth together for a blistering kiss. Their kiss was a hungry, desperate thing, fueled by what they’d almost lost. She came up for air to lift her sweater and toss it away while Noah shoved his hands into her sweatpants and eased them off her hips. “No panties?” he murmured and cupped her pussy, one thick finger thrusting deep into her wet channel.

  “I was in a rush to get to you,” she moaned and rocked on his finger.

  “Nice.” He licked into her mouth and sucked on her tongue. She craved him, needed him more than she needed air. His hand coasted up her back, setting her aflame as his rough palm teased her skin. She broke the kiss to glide her down his neck to nip at his collarbone.

  Why was he still dressed? She yanked his sweater. He got the hint and didn’t stop until they were both naked. He palmed her ass and placed her in the middle of his bed, then stepped back. She posed, stretching out, crossing her legs, hiding her sweet spot, while cupping her
breasts and squeezing the nipples. She had his complete attention and loved it.

  A crook of her finger brought him closer. She scooted back as he planted a knee on the bed. The mattress dipped, and his hand circled her ankle. Slowly, he drew her to him. Anticipation had her soaked and parting her legs.

  Gaze almost feral, Noah licked his lips and muscled his way between her thighs, her feet ornaments on his broad shoulders. The first soft lick startled her yet left her panting. The second lick parted her wet folds and circled her clit with a deft skill that had her hips jerking. Just that touch and she was so close. A bit more attention on her clit and—He pulled away.

  “What—why—?”

  A finger sunk deep inside her and didn’t move. She had to flex her hips, ride his finger to feel anything.

  “That’s it, baby.” He lashed his tongue across her clit and added another finger. He curled both and rubbed her g-spot. “Come for me.”

  She wanted too even though she didn’t want the pleasure to end. “No. Not yet.”

  His fingers pumped into her, stretching her. Like a freight train with no brakes, somethings couldn’t be stopped, but she fought it, dug her fingers into the mattress, and—he pulled out of her, lapped her up as he palmed her ass and brought her to him.

  He sucked on her clit until she broke. Delicious waves rippled from her core and cascaded through her body. Arching, gasping, she rode the waves until they petered, and she came back to herself.

  Noah’s big body hovered over her. The lust on his face re-triggered her own. She needed more of him, more of them. Together.

  Kensley leaned up and tasted herself on his lips. She sucked on his bottom lip, enjoying the hungry sounds he couldn’t contain. He spread her wide to glide his cock between her slick folds.

  It was torture. It was ecstasy. It was a man and a woman. Him and her. Everything she thought she didn’t want, now she desperately needed.