Better Than Heaven (The Bachelor Brothers Book 1)

by Honey Holloway

  My back hits the sink, sending a shooting pain through my spine, but I barely notice it, lost in Oliver’s embrace. I know I shouldn’t be doing this. It’s a betrayal to Violet. It’s a betrayal of my morals. But I never take anything for myself. Now, I really don’t think I could refuse him if I tried.

  I shift so that I’m sitting on the sink and wrap my legs around his waist, pulling him in closer to me. As our kiss deepens, I can feel his member pressing against me through his jeans. He moans quietly against my lips and I feel myself melt. I’ve never wanted something more.

  Oliver pulls away from me and my first instinct is to pull him back in, but now that our lips aren’t locked together, some of my sense is returning to me. He backs away, running a hand through his hair. I can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s having second thoughts. My heart drums against my chest painfully. Did I do something wrong?

  “I...there’s something I need to do,” he says to me, unable to look me in the eye. “I...I need to go. I’ll see you soon.”

  And then he leaves. I stare at his back as he walks away, wondering whether he means that. Is he just saying that as an excuse to leave me here? I press my hand to my chest to feel my heartbeat. When I feel it thumping against my palm, I know this is real. It wasn’t a dream or a figment of my imagination. And I never would have walked away from a kiss like that.

  So how did he do it so easily?

  Chapter Six

  Oliver

  Walking away from Willow was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’m hard as hell and I can still feel her lips on mine as I hurry back to my table. I didn’t want Violet to start wondering where I was when I was busy kissing Willow in the middle of the ladies’ toilets. I came here with the intention of telling Violet that it’s over between us, to show her some respect. Well, I’ve shot that concept down with what I’ve just done. But I have to control myself. I can’t start something with Willow with a good conscience when I haven’t broken things off with Violet. As much as my body is protesting leaving Willow behind

  It’s time to face the music now. I can’t keep putting this off. I’ve spent this entire dinner just listening to Violet talk, wishing things were easier between us, wishing that I didn’t have to do this. But I got myself into this situation. I let this go on for such a long time, knowing our arrangement needed to have an expiration date. But now that it comes to it, I know it’s going to hurt.

  I get back to the table and ask for the bill right away. Violet smiles and reaches out for my hand.

  “What’s the rush? Let’s stay, have another drink…”

  “No,” I say, the comment coming out much harsher than I intended. “I’ll walk you home…”

  It was a mistake to bring her out. I need to do this somewhere where she feels safe. She doesn’t seem to have a clue that something’s up, so she carries on chatting as I walk her back painfully slowly. Her ridiculous shoes are halving our normal speed, but I keep pace with her. I feel a pang of pain every time I look at her eager face, the smile behind her eyes as she talks. She’s trying harder than ever to impress me and it hurts knowing that I can’t feel the way for her that I think she does for me. Life would’ve been simpler if I could just love Violet...but I don’t.

  I don’t love Willow either, but I think I could, if I gave it a chance. Something new and exciting is blossoming between us. That kiss we shared had me hard in seconds. Just the thought of her now brings butterflies to my stomach. I want to kiss her again. I want to know how she feels with her body against mine. I want her in my apartment, her clothes on my bedroom floor, her smell lingering on my pillow after she leaves. I want silly things too. I want to help her dye her hair every few weeks and eat Chinese takeout in bed with her. I want to drink and dance with her and help her nurse her hangover the day after. I want the real deal. Finally, I’ve had my first craving for it, and now I can’t get it out of my head.

  I’m going to ask her on a date. Once the storm has passed following tonight with Violet, I’ll take her somewhere. We can do anything she wants, just as long as she’s willing to spend time with me. I hope she wasn’t worried that I left in such a hurry. I hope she cares that I did. I hope she knows why I had to go…

  My mind is crowded with fearful thoughts of how much tonight has and will change things, but I just need to see it through. As we finally reach Violet’s student house, silence falls between us and I feel the ache of nerves even more. She turns to me with a sweet smile on her face, chewing her thumb anxiously.

  “Well...you coming in or what?” she asks me. I shake my head.

  “Violet...there’s something I want to talk about.”

  “Can’t it wait?” she asks, refusing to look me in the eye. “Don’t ruin a good night, yeah?”

  “Tonight...tonight was about trying to tell you something. I’m sorry, Violet, but I just need to get this off my chest…”

  “You said we could hang out tonight. Come on...we can just watch a movie. Leave whatever it is until the morning.” She leans in and tries to kiss me, but I pull away. I wish I hadn’t. The look on her face is so upset that I’d do anything to make it better. But I can’t. I can’t carry on with this when I know things have changed. I don’t love her the way she deserves to be loved.

  “Violet...I don’t think we should carry on seeing each other...like this.”

  Her sweet smile turns into anger. “Excuse me?”

  “You’re my best friend...and I just want to keep it that way. When we started hooking up, I thought it was simple between us...but I think the further along we go...the more complicated it’s getting.”

  “So you just decided to take me on a date to get my hopes up? What the hell is wrong with you?”

  I cover my face with my hands. I can’t believe this is backfiring so badly. I thought I was doing the right thing, putting us on neutral ground, but now I can see how ridiculous the idea was. Here she is, standing in front of me, looking absolutely beautiful after making such an effort...and I have to tell her that it’s not enough to make me feel something for her.

  “I didn’t intend it to be a date...I think you misunderstood my intentions this evening. And I’m so sorry for that, I really am. But you know we can’t keep on like this, Violet...I don’t feel the way you want me to feel.”

  Violet falls silent, her lips pressed together in a thin line. I can see the tears she’s trying to hold back. I try to reach for her, but she silently turns her back on me and gets out her house keys.

  “I’ll see you around, Oliver.”

  “Violet, I’m sorry, I never wanted-”

  She steps inside and shuts the door in my face before I can finish my sentence. My heart jolts at the loud bang the door makes. I press my palm up against the door, willing her to open it again, but she’s gone.

  The whole thing couldn’t have gone much worse. It’s done now, but I don’t feel any kind of relief. All I feel is guilt, and the crushing sensation of losing my best friend over something that should’ve been avoidable. I shouldn’t ever have indulged in the sexual side of our relationship. I should’ve stayed away, made our friendship neutral and placid. All those nights we spent together were the kind of fun that I’ll never forget, but at the end of it all, I’ve hurt her. I was selfish to only think of the ways in which this affected me.

  And now I might’ve lost her forever.

  Willow

  I feel like an idiot. I just spent the past few days trying to get over the first kiss me and Oliver had. Now, it’s going to take me even longer to recover from this.

  I came out of the bathroom and found that Oliver was already gone, and there was no sign of Violet. I guess he’s gone home, feeling guilty, but secure in his place with her. It makes me feel like shit, knowing I’m coming between the pair of them and I keep letting it happen. Plus to make matters worse, I’m still stuck on this date, seemingly with no escape.

  It seems like hours before we settle the bill - he insists that he won’t ever allow a
woman to pay for a date and with twenty quid to my name, I have to let him - and then we walk outside. There’s a cold chill in the air and I wrap my arms around myself. My date tries to take it as an invitation to lean in closer to me, rubbing my arms to try and get some warmth into my frozen skin.

  “How about you come home with me and I’ll warm you up?” he murmurs. I take a step back from him, suddenly repulsed. I thought at the beginning of this evening that I’d say yes. I thought I’d be happy to go home with this good looking man, but his name still escapes me and Oliver’s is etched into my mind like a tattoo. What’s the point when it’s not sex I’m craving? It's the familiarity of a person. I shake my head and offer a polite smile to him.

  “Not tonight...I think I’m just going to head home.”

  “So let me walk you back...maybe I can come in for a few hours.”

  “I don’t think so. Goodnight…”

  The man scoffs at me. “Wow. No offence, but you’re completely frigid…”

  I raise an eyebrow, feeling unscathed by his comment. “No offence, but you’re boring as hell, and I’m not interested. Thank you for the evening, but I think this is where it ends for us. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

  Leaving him behind looking like a deflated balloon, I head for home. I should’ve known he’d be like the rest; sex-starved and bitter about rejection. I guess he’s not the only one. I’m feeling a little like that myself now that Oliver’s left me behind once again. When will I learn? I need to stop chasing someone who is going to have me up and down like a yo-yo.

  I catch a bus back home, wincing as I pay for it. I don’t feel like walking back in the dark tonight. I close my eyes and relive the kiss I shared with Oliver. It can’t do any harm when it’s not actually happening...it’s just a private fantasy that doesn’t hurt anyone or count as an infidelity on Oliver’s part. If I concentrate, I swear I can still smell his cologne. I can still feel his hot breath on my lips and his hard member pressed against me. I’m wet just at the thought and when I open my eyes, I’m blushing. If anyone on this bus knew the thoughts I’m having, I’d never be able to go out in public again from embarrassment. I’ve never been like this before. Now, I feel like I’ll never go back to the way I was again.

  But this is ridiculous. I can go home tonight and fantasize all I like. I can tell myself that he’s going to show up in the middle of the night, somehow climb up to the fourth floor and in through my window to have passionate sex with me. I can picture the places he’d kiss me and the words he’d whisper in my ear. It would be easy to lose myself in the idea of him, but the reality isn’t so smooth. No man’s perfect, but it’s clear to me that Oliver has issues. Anyone willing to keep kissing a near-stranger instead of their girlfriend must be deeply unhappy and insecure. I know that as a fact.

  And yet, I still want it.

  Chapter Seven

  Oliver

  It’s been three days since I last spoke to Violet or Willow, and it feels like I’m in trouble. I’ve tried several times to get in contact with Violet, just to make sure she’s okay, but I can tell she doesn’t want to speak to me. I can’t blame her really, but I just want to know where I stand. I guess that’s kind of selfish when she’d been wondering the same thing for the duration of our sexual relationship, so I should just keep my head down and bear the torture.

  Still, it’s making my life more difficult. I can’t talk to Willow properly until the situation with Violet is resolved. I drafted a hundred messages to her. I wondered all weekend if she was thinking of me the way I’ve been thinking of her. I hope she has, and not in a bad way. I hope she’s realized that I have to make things good with Violet before I can take her out on a proper date. I’ve also spent all weekend thinking about where I’d take her, what we’d eat, what we’d talk about...but I won’t make any kind of move until Violet’s okay. She’s my best friend, after all, even if our relationship has taken a hit because of me. I can’t let a girl I don’t even know properly yet distract me.

  But damn, I’m looking for a distraction.

  Today’s going to be a difficult one to navigate. It’s my first lecture with them both since the night at the restaurant. The one saving grace of the day is that my other friends are still acting fine with me, so it seems like Violet’s kept our argument to herself. I plan to try and sit with her and see how things go. I’d like to speak to Willow after class if I can too, but if not, I guess I’ll catch her at the coffee shop later and explain why I’ve been avoiding her. She’s a smart, sensitive girl. I know she’ll understand.

  It’s the first time I’ve been on time for a 9am lecture in some time, and I catch sight of Willow right away. Her blue hair is a thing of beauty, and it catches my eye right away. She’s sitting in her usual position on the far side of the hall, alone. There’s even a bag on the seat next to her, like she’s hoping to ward people away from her.

  But then she catches my eye. She smiles. And then, without a word, she moves the bag from her seat and I feel my cheeks turning red.

  She was saving a seat for me.

  A hand clamps on my shoulder. I jolt in surprise at the physical contact and when I turn, I see Violet’s face, hardened and emotionless, staring back at me. I blink several times.

  “Violet…”

  “You look like you weren’t expecting to see me,” Violet says with an edge to her tone. She’s making it clear she’s still not happy with me, then. But knowing Violet, she’ll want to put on a united front. As much as she loves gossip, she doesn’t like to be the center of drama and she certainly doesn’t let herself seem rattled by anyone or anything. Especially not by me.

  “Of course I was expecting to see you. At least, I was hoping to,” I respond quickly. “I just-”

  “The lecture is about to start. Sit,” Violet says bluntly, turning her back and striding to our usual chairs. I glance back at Willow, who still looks hopeful. I wish I could go and sit with her. We could spend the next hour pretending to listen to the tutor while reading excerpts of each other’s work on our laps. Or we could whisper about our favorite books, or imitate the tutor in funny voices, or even talk about what happened the other night.

  Or maybe I’d just reach out and hold her hand and we’d sit quietly for the whole lecture that way. That’s what I really want.

  But if I walk away now, it’ll be like stabbing Violet in the back. So I shoot Willow sorrowful eyes and take a seat next to Violet. Her presence is icy cold, but she gives me an approving nod. I know I’ve made the right decision. She wants to get our friendship back on track, I can tell. She’s just going to take some time to warm up to the idea, so I need to put in the hours and be a good friend to her.

  But who is being a good friend to Willow?

  Willow

  Watching Oliver take his seat next to Violet hurts. It hurts because I was certain that something would change today. I’d hyped myself up to the idea that it would. Oliver said he had to take care of some stuff, which I accepted after a few hours. I made myself be patient, to wait until I saw him before making a judgement. But it feels like he’s thrown that back in my face now. As he sits down beside Violet, I get the sense that he’s made an unspoken choice. It’s her over me.

  I don’t know what I expected. They’ve got three years of history between them. Me and Oliver...our relationship is only just beginning to form, and I have no idea what he wants it to be. Does he see me as a casual fuck buddy that he might pick off the shelf some day when he’s bored? Or is he looking for something more, and he just has no idea how to express himself?

  I watch him through the entire lecture, paying no attention to the tutor despite my interest in poetry. I can see the tension in his shoulders. He looked as though he felt bad when he left me sitting here alone. But he’s surrounded by friends. I’m the one drowning in my own solitude. We live life on entirely separate paths, and yet I’m so desperate for ours to cross that it feels like I’d do anything to make it happen. He’s the one thing i
n my life that feels exciting right now. He keeps my heart racing and my stomach in knots and my mind jumping between euphoria and pain. This is the kind of feeling that poets write about, but I couldn’t be further from wanting to write now. For once, I want to put down my pen and just live. I want to experience life with Oliver Bachelor.

  But reality hits as the lecture ends and I have to dash out of the back door to the lift so I can get to my shift at the coffee shop. I hastily put my apron on over my head and get behind the counter, knowing that I might have to face Oliver at any minute. He and his friends always come here, after all, and I’m not sure I’m ready to speak to him yet. I feel flushed and sweaty at the thought of him walking in here, looking as perfect as he always does and surrounded by his friends that don’t even like me. Especially Violet. I wonder how much she knows. I wonder what the deal between them is now. I’m still unsure what they mean to one another, and I feel like I deserve some clarity at this point. But I’m not going to push anything. He can come to me. I think he needs to be the one to fix this for us.

  But when he shows up this afternoon, he’s not with his usual posse. In fact, he’s alone. He has a guilty look on his face and I immediately muster up some sympathy for him. I know better than anyone that the more connections you make with people, the more complicated life becomes. Our new found friendship has complicated things considerably, and I know from the look on his face that he’s struggling. He’s either ruined something good with Violet or he’s looking for an escape from her. Either way, I can sympathize. He’s young and stupid, like the rest of us muddling our way through university. None of us have all the answers yet, but I suspect he’s coming here to try and fix the mess he’s made, and that I can admire.

  As he approaches the counter, I brace myself for whatever he’s going to tell me. I’m scared that he’ll tell me that he doesn’t want me. I’m scared that he’ll tell me that he does, and I’ll have to start opening myself up to him and breaking down my walls.