Twisted Tea Christmas

by Laura Childs

  * * *

  * * *

  Thirty seconds later Wade Holland was handcuffed and hauled out to the ambulance. Another thirty seconds later the crew from Channel Eight showed up in a shiny white van with a satellite dish on top.

  “What happened?” Monica Garber shrieked as she jumped out. “Was it a robbery? Breaking and entering to steal Christmas presents? That would make a terrific story!”

  She was vibrating like a Chihuahua caught in a snowstorm.

  “Never mind. Doesn’t matter,” Garber said. “This setup looks great as is! Bobby, get on the horn to the station and tell them to hold a minute-and-a-half slot on the ten o’clock. Wait. Make that two minutes. We’ll shoot our lead-in right here on the front lawn.” She took ten seconds to study the players, then said, “Say now, this is the Miss Drucilla thing, right?”

  She threw a frenzied glance at Theodosia, who nodded yes.

  “Hot dang!” Garber declared. “We’ll interview Detective Tidwell first. That’s our lead-in.”

  While Garber stuck a microphone in Tidwell’s face, Theodosia moved stealthily across her front lawn and sidled up next to Wade. He was sitting on the back end of the ambulance, cuffed to a metal jump ring welded into the floor. His upper arm was encased in an inflatable splint. An EMT put antiseptic and Steri-Strips on Wade’s torn hand, even though his work was hampered slightly by the handcuffs.

  “Am I going to get rabies?” Wade screamed. “Come on, man, you gotta help me. I’m begging you. . . . Get me to a hospital before I start foaming at the mouth!”

  “Take it easy,” the EMT said. He was bushy haired and big, a teddy-bear-type guy. “Try to calm down.”

  But when Wade noticed Theodosia staring at him, his screams got even louder.

  “Get outa here! You set those cursed dogs on me. Hellhounds. Knocked me down and chipped a bone in my elbow. Hurts like blazes! With injuries this bad, I can sue you for everything you’ve got.”

  Theodosia stepped closer, ignoring his threats, a determined look on her face. “Did she know?”

  Wade’s lips quivered. “What are you babbling about? Did who know?”

  “Pauline. Did she know?” Theodosia asked in a barely controlled voice.

  “What do you think?” Wade sneered.

  “Stop screwing around and give me an answer.”

  “No, she didn’t know,” Wade snapped. “Are you happy now? Couldn’t you see for yourself that Pauline wasn’t the brightest bulb in the box?”

  “In other words, you used her.”

  “Everybody uses somebody,” Wade snorted. “The hard part was putting up with her tiresome histrionics.” He turned his attention back to the EMT, who’d taped his hand, and shouted, “Hey, you. Medical guy. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m dying here. Are you going to give me some pain meds or not?”

  The EMT’s gaze shifted to Theodosia. Theodosia shook her head.

  “Not,” said the EMT.

  “You can’t treat me like this!” Wade howled. “I’ve got rights!”

  “Wade,” Theodosia said, her voice steely from between clenched teeth, “you have very few rights. Try to see it from a legal perspective—you murdered two people in cold blood. You’re going to prison for a very long time.”

  “Go away! Shut up!” Wade screamed.

  “Not until you tell me where the Renoir is,” Theodosia said.

  Wade turned wild eyes on her. “What makes you think I still have it?”

  “Because you’ve been willing to kill for it. Twice. Once to steal it and a second time to protect it. Now quit fooling around and tell me—where’s the painting?”

  Looking sullen, Wade puffed out his cheeks and said, “You’re so smart, go find it yourself.”

  Theodosia looked at the EMT, whose name tag read hanson. “Mr. Hanson, do you have any drugs on board?”

  Hanson gave a half smile. “I got a few.”

  “Why don’t you fill up a syringe with . . . Oh, let’s make it your choice. The drug du jour. Then we’ll inject Mr. Holland here and see if he wants to be a little more agreeable.”

  Wade’s eyes went round as he goggled at them. “You’re gonna drug me?” His bravado had drained away; now he sounded frightened.

  “Just a little nip to help get you talking,” the EMT said. “Yeah, I can fix you up. Won’t be pleasant though.”

  Wade held up a hand. “Wait. Don’t do that. I’ll tell you, okay?”

  “Cooperation, I like that,” Theodosia said. “The police will like that. Where’s the Renoir?”

  “First I stuck it in the attic at Miss Drucilla’s place. There was so much crap up there, I knew nobody would ever find it. But then I had to move it.”

  “Where to?”

  “Aw, it’s in the storage room at King’s Ransom. Stuck behind a bunch of boxes against the far wall. No big deal. Any idiot can find it if they know where to look.”

  “You two hang tight,” Theodosia said.

  She turned and walked back to where Tidwell was standing, conferring with two of his officers, Officer Biskens and Officer Hart. Biskens had tried to hang yellow crime scene tape in the entry, but the dogs had gotten frisky and ripped it down.

  “I know where the Renoir is,” she told Tidwell.

  He raised a single eyebrow, his right one. It was one of his unique talents.

  “Wade says it’s stashed in the storage room at King’s Ransom Gift Shop. Far wall, behind a bunch of cardboard boxes.”

  Tidwell looked at Hart and said, “Send a patrol car. Posthaste.”

  “Sir,” Hart said, “I’ll go myself.”

  “Here,” Theodosia said. She pulled out her cell phone, flipped to the image of the painting. “This is what you’re looking for.”

  Tidwell turned to Theodosia. “You think you could somehow call off those dogs?”

  “Maybe if I close the front door, they’ll settle down.”

  Tidwell waited until Hart had left, then said, “Tell me, what did you do to get young Mr. Holland to fess up? Threaten to bash his head in?”

  She touched a hand to her chest. “You think I’d revert to violence? No, I merely suggested that if Wade cooperated, the arresting officers might go a little easier on him.”

  “That’s not going to happen,” Tidwell said.

  Theodosia smiled sweetly. “I know.”

  * * *

  * * *

  “Theodosia! Theodosia!”

  Theodosia heard her name being called just as she saw her Jeep career down the street and bump hard against the curb. Haley was at the wheel, driving like it was an Indy car. Drayton was hanging out the window and waving frantically.

  Theodosia ran over to greet them. “What are you two doing here?”

  Haley cut the ignition just as Drayton flung open his door.

  “We got worried,” Haley said, leaning across the seat.

  “I had a terrible feeling something wasn’t quite right,” Drayton said. “And now, seeing the torrent of activity going on here, I’d have to say my hunch proved correct.”

  “I didn’t want to drive over, but Drayton kept needling me,” Haley said. “Badgering me. He must be psychotic.”

  “Psychic,” Drayton corrected.

  “Or have ESP,” Haley said. “So . . . what the heck happened?”

  “It was Wade,” Theodosia said, gesturing toward the back of the ambulance, where Wade sat like an unhappy lump. “He murdered Miss Drucilla and Julian Wolf-Knapp. He’s the one who stole the Renoir.”

  “Holy Christmas!” Drayton cried. “And he confessed all this to you? Just like that?”

  Theodosia thought about Gruenwald, Earl Grey, and the rest of the dogs. “Well, I might’ve had a little help.”

  * * *

  * * *

  It wasn’t long before Tidwell got the call he
’d been waiting for.

  “Sir,” Officer Hart said, “I have the painting in hand, the Renoir.”

  “And it’s in good shape?”

  “Looks fine to me, sir.”

  “Excellent. Good job.”

  Tidwell clicked off his phone and turned to Theodosia. “We’ve done it, then. Found the painting, arrested our killer—”

  “That’s fantastic!” Haley cried. She and Drayton had been circling about nervously, waiting to hear the news. “Sounds like it’s all been wrapped up with a big red bow.”

  Drayton gave a wide grin. “Just in time for Christmas.”

  Tidwell sighed and rolled his eyes skyward for help. But there was a faint twitch at the corners of his mouth.

  Theodosia’s phone rang deep in her pocket. Still smiling at the two almost perfect punch lines, she hit a button and said, “Hello?”

  It was Riley.

  “Hey,” he said. “I called to see how you fared with your fancy Victorian Christmas Tea. Was it a huge success? Did everything go off without a hitch? No unplanned disasters?”

  Theodosia tucked the phone between her ear and shoulder, smiled, and said, “You have no idea.”

  FAVORITE RECIPES FROM

  The Indigo Tea Shop

  Haley’s Fried Coffee Cake

  TOPPING

  ¼ cup sugar

  ¾ tsp. cinnamon

  CAKE BATTER

  1 cup all-purpose flour

  ⅓ cup sugar

  2 tsp. baking powder

  ¾ tsp. ground cinnamon

  ½ tsp. salt

  1 large egg, beaten

  ⅓ cup evaporated milk

  ⅓ cup water

  3 Tbsp. melted butter

  COMBINE sugar and cinnamon for topping and set aside. Prepare a sturdy 9-inch skillet by greasing bottom, then covering that grease with a layer of heavy wrapping paper cut in a circle to fit. Also grease the top of that paper. In a mixing bowl, whisk together flour, sugar, baking powder, cinnamon, and salt. In another bowl, whisk together egg, evaporated milk, water, and melted butter. Add wet ingredients to dry ingredients, mixing thoroughly. Pour mixture into the prepared skillet and sprinkle with the topping mixture. Cover the pan and “fry” on top of stove over very low heat for 30 to 40 minutes, or until cake is firm to touch. Lift the cake out of the skillet carefully and remove paper while still hot. Yields 8 servings.

  Lobster Hush Puppies

  1 cup yellow cornmeal

  ½ cup flour

  ½ tsp. baking powder

  ½ tsp. baking soda

  ½ cup buttermilk

  1 egg

  2 Tbsp. melted butter

  ¼ cup onion, finely diced

  1 cup lobster meat, diced

  Salt and pepper

  Oil for frying

  IN a bowl, mix together cornmeal, flour, baking powder, and baking soda. In a larger separate bowl, mix together buttermilk, egg, and melted butter. Add dry ingredients to wet ingredients and mix gently. Gently fold in the onions and lobster meat; then season with salt and pepper to taste. Let the batter rest for 15 to 20 minutes. Heat the oil in a pot or deep fat fryer to around 350 degrees. Drop spoonfuls of batter into the oil and cook for about 3 minutes until hush puppies turn golden brown. Drain on paper towels and serve hot. Yields around 10 to 12, depending on size.

  Theodosia’s Famous Hot Crab Dip

  1 small onion

  1 pkg. cream cheese (8 oz.)

  1 can crabmeat, drained (6 oz.)

  PREHEAT oven to 350 degrees. In a food processor, pulse onion until finely chopped. Add cream cheese and pulse to incorporate. Add crabmeat and quickly pulse for a few seconds. Place crab mixture in an oven-safe glass dish and bake for 20 minutes or until heated through. Serve while still hot with your favorite crackers. (Note: Shrimp may be used instead of crab.)

  Lemon Cream Scones

  2 cups flour

  ⅓ cup sugar

  1 Tbsp. baking powder

  ¼ tsp. salt

  1 tsp. lemon peel, finely grated

  1 cup heavy cream

  3 Tbsp. milk

  PREHEAT oven to 375 degrees. In a medium bowl combine flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, and lemon peel. Stir in cream and milk, using fork, and mix until dough forms a rough ball. Knead dough 4 or 5 times on a lightly floured surface. Place dough on a greased cookie sheet and pat into an 8-inch circle. Using a large knife, cut into dough halfway, marking eight wedges. Bake 20 to 25 minutes until golden brown. Cool on a wire rack and cut into wedges while still warm. Serve with lemon curd. Yields 8 scones.

  Fried Green Tomatoes

  1 cup cornmeal

  2 cups flour

  1 Tbsp. sugar

  ¼ cup oil for frying

  4 or 5 green tomatoes, sliced ½” thick

  Salt and pepper to taste

  MIX together cornmeal, flour, and sugar in a shallow dish. Heat oil in a fry pan over medium heat. Working in small batches, dredge tomatoes in cornmeal mixture and fry about 2 minutes on each side or until golden brown. Drain the fried tomatoes on paper towels until all tomatoes are fried. Serve warm with salt and pepper. Yields about 4 servings.

  Drayton’s Pork Chops with Apples

  2 pork chops, about ¾” thick

  ½ cup apple juice

  ¼ cup maple syrup

  1 medium-sized apple, sliced

  1 Tbsp. butter

  IN a large skillet, heat pork chops, apple juice, and syrup to boiling. Cover, reduce heat to medium, and cook 15 minutes, turning pork chops once. While pork chops cook, slice apple. Remove pork chops to platter. Add apple slices and butter to liquid and heat to boiling over medium heat. Cook for about 10 minutes until apple is tender and liquid thickens. Return pork chops to skillet to heat through and coat with glaze. Serve immediately. Yields 2 servings.

  Chicken-and-Chutney Tea Sandwiches

  1 cup cooked chicken, diced or shredded

  ¼ cup celery, finely diced

  3 Tbsp. onion, finely diced

  ¼ cup walnuts, chopped

  ¼ cup sour cream

  1 Tbsp. lemon juice

  ¼ cup mango chutney

  Salt and pepper

  6 slices bread

  Butter

  COMBINE all ingredients (except bread and butter) in a small bowl and mix well. Spread butter on all 6 slices of bread; then spread chicken mixture on 3 slices. Top with the remaining 3 slices to make 3 sandwiches. Cut off crusts; then cut each sandwich into 4 triangles. Yields 12 tea sandwiches. (Hint: If made ahead of time, cover with a damp paper towel, wrap in plastic wrap, and refrigerate.)

  Holiday Cranberry Sauce

  1 quart fresh cranberries

  1 cup water

  1¾ cups sugar

  3 Tbsp. orange juice

  WASH cranberries and discard any that are soft. Bring water to boil and add cranberries. Cover and cook over medium-low heat until berries burst their outer skin (about 10 minutes). Add sugar and boil an additional 3 minutes. Remove from the stove and stir in orange juice. Store sauce in a jar or plastic container until ready to use. Yields about 2 cups.

  Traditional Shrimp Ball

  1 pkg. cream cheese, softened (8 oz.)

  1 Tbsp. ketchup

  ½ tsp. cayenne pepper

  1 tsp. Tabasco sauce

  1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce

  1 tsp. hot sauce

  1 can shrimp (6 oz.)

  MIX together cream cheese, ketchup, cayenne pepper, Tabasco sauce, Worcestershire sauce, and hot sauce until creamy. Gently mix in shrimp. Roll into a ball, wrap in plastic wrap, and chill. Serve with your favorite crackers. Yields about 1½
cups.

  Drayton’s Eggnog

  5 fresh eggs

  1 cup whipping cream

  2 cups milk

  ½ tsp. vanilla extract

  1 Tbsp. honey

  1 cup sugar

  ½ cup rum

  IN a blender, process eggs until creamy. Add cream and milk and process again. Add vanilla, honey, sugar, and rum and mix well. Pour into pitcher and refrigerate the eggnog for at least 4 hours. Serve in chilled glasses and top with a small amount of grated nutmeg or a pinch of fresh cinnamon. Yields 4 servings. (Note: Because this recipe uses raw eggs, be sure they are fresh and that the eggnog is consumed the same day it’s made.)

  Simply Delicious Fudge

  3 cups semisweet chocolate chips

  1 can condensed milk (14 oz.)

  4 Tbsp. butter

  1 tsp. vanilla extract

  PLACE chocolate chips and condensed milk in a microwave-safe bowl and heat on high in microwave, uncovered, for 2 minutes. Remove from microwave and stir until smooth. Stir in butter and vanilla. Microwave for another 30 seconds; then pour into 12-by-12-inch pan, spreading mixture evenly. Chill for at least 2 hours. (Note: 1 cup of dried cranberries or 1 cup of walnuts can be stirred in before pouring mixture into pan.)

  Holiday Ham Glaze

  ½ cup pineapple chunks with juice

  1 cup brown sugar

  4 tsp. prepared mustard

  2 Tbsp. lemon juice

  1 tsp. ground cloves

  COMBINE all ingredients in a food processor or blender. Yields ¾ cup of glaze. (Note: When your ham has 30 minutes left to cook, remove from the oven and score the top in a crisscross fashion. Spoon the pineapple mixture over the ham, brushing to cover the entire ham. Return ham to oven for final 30 minutes of cooking, basting frequently.)