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by Megan Boyle

  5:40PM: ex-boyfriend walked into living room, where i’m sitting, wearing only gray sort-of boxer briefs with holes in the fabric and barely any elastic. he calls these his ‘pretty panties.’ he stood facing the window, staring affectedly catatonically with his flaccid penis out, like, tugging it. he said ‘look at alvie, how alvie is sitting with his three legs like…he’s sitting like in that movie. like the holy trinity.’ alvie was leaning sexily on the arm of the chair, letting his legs extend, adding to the sexiness.

  ex-boyfriend said things about his ‘boner,’ referencing a song, then said ‘it’s really sick when guys talk about boners like that. boners are gross. like, they actually talk about them like.’ i said ‘yeah it’s weird that people…boners…they talk about them like that. you don’t have a boner.’ one of us said something about going to the library. he said ‘yeah but like, jeopardy is going to be on at seven and…’ and shrugged. i said ‘yeah. jeopardy. let’s not go.’ i tugged his penis hard. he laughed. i said ‘look out, i’m tugging.’ he was laughing. i said ‘i’m going to pull it off. look out.’ he said ‘remember when jordan earnestly tried to rip his dick off?’ i said ‘yeah that was good.’ he left the room, saying something about me and nicolas cage and jordan ripping his ‘dick…off’ like how nicolas cage says ‘i want to take his face…off’ in ‘face/off.’

  5:45PM: ex-boyfriend said ‘here peg, let me top you off all the way,’ filling my mug with coffee that almost started spilling, ‘now you’ll have to lap at it.’ i smiled and said ‘lapping’ or something. he said ‘i’m at the point in my formspring where someone says they had sex with my one true love.’ he is reading his old formspring in the bedroom, has been since i woke.

  5:49PM: from the bedroom, ex-boyfriend said ‘peg, i cut the cat’s whisker’s off.’ i said ‘no! on accident?’ he said ‘yeah. just. one on the right, it like, fell off.’ i said ‘that’s okay, one time when i was little i cut them all off on purpose. my cat couldn’t walk around.’ he kind of laughed and said ‘you’re going to have to keep shirley in the little room.’ pictured closet-like room at dad’s apartment, where i’ll stay with cats april 1st until i know where i’ll live next. i said ‘no, that won’t happen, she will roam free. no matter what she will roam free.’

  6:47PM: entered bedroom and propped myself against ex-boyfriend’s legs. he was drinking and listening to ‘fishkind,’ a band he was in a few years ago, named after david fishkind. i said something about my liveblog and he made a face and put his hand through my hair but it got stuck. he pulled and i made a yelping noise. he said ‘oh, come on.’ seemed drunk. his hand returned to the same spot and he said ‘let’s just be nice.’ i said ‘yeah i want to be nice, you gotta stop pulling my hair though.’ he made a face. i smiled. i felt bad when i was typing in the other room. unsure if i felt worse in the bedroom.

  i said ‘can you just hold me a minute.’ he said ‘yes but only if we listen to this.’ he played a fishkind song: a few of his friends and him half-talking half-singing ‘five-hundred twenty-five thousand people died in nine-eleven’ over ‘rape me’ on acoustic guitar. i’ve heard it before. seemed sad to me, that he was drinking in bed and listening to it and reading his old formspring. he said ‘i just wish i was here with my one true love.’ i said ‘oh, [person]?’ he said ‘yeah, [person]’ wistfully, drunkenly. i said ‘oh.’ i looked at his calendar wall-hanging from 1975, made of a some kind of light towel or canvas-like fabric. i said ‘i’m sorry i couldn’t be better.’ he said ‘it’s okay. you have people you like more too.’ i said ‘yeah, but. i don’t know.’ he said ‘i need to be with someone who i can like, control more. like, i want to be completely open with the person, but i also want distance from them. your openness seems like an attack on your readers.’ i said ‘wait, do you mean…are you talking about my writing or me, the person?’ he did something with his arms and shook his head and his tone changed and he said ‘i mean ‘what is a person,’ come on, come the fuck on, like…’ and i said ‘what do you mean, what are you talking about? my openness is…i attack you, you feel?’ he said something about him saying things that have hurt me, or something, and wanting to be with someone who he could say those things to more and it not mattering to them. i said ‘i understand that…i feel…yeah, i don’t like it when you’ve talked about other people you’d rather be with while you’re with me.’ he said ‘but why not? it’s not like you don’t have other people.’ i said ‘i know. it just doesn’t feel good. like, it doesn’t feel good to hear. i wouldn’t want to just, out of nowhere, just like, start talking to you about someone i’m interested in, as if i wished you were them or something.’ felt myself about to cry, leaning on my arm, not wanting to cry. i thought ‘look at him, it will make you either cry or not cry.’ looked and didn’t. he said ‘well great. good for you’ and kind of rolled his eyes. i said ‘you…but you just asked me…i only said because you asked me…what?’ he said ‘we were having this conversation a year ago.’ i didn’t say anything.

  7:15PM: something weird was happening with jeopardy. bad reception. ex-boyfriend said ‘i’ll put the BASF on it’ and propped a VHS tape that says ‘BASF’ on the antenna. something happened to jeopardy. it was clear that the station had made a mistake, like, with the timing. they showed the beginning of the episode again. ex-boyfriend said ‘it’s definitely the station, not our TV’ and ‘i wonder what…what could they possibly do, how can they possibly fix this?’ i felt distracted or like…i wasn’t as invested in this.

  7:30PM: talked about being hungry. i wanted pizza or something we couldn’t make with our few remaining food items. ex-boyfriend said things about the ‘perfectly good rice and beans’ leftovers, which i didn’t want, and knew he knew i wouldn’t. he said ‘but you wouldn’t want that now, would you.’ he said ‘and what is that, uh, you got that cole slaw in there? from last night?’ i said ‘i don’t want to eat it, it was like, sweet. vanilla-y. it was weird, i don’t want it.’ he seemed disapproving, performing disapproval, argumentative or something, drunk, i don’t know. especially competitive during jeopardy, pointed out my ‘wrong answers,’ like i was stupid, and acted like a sore loser when his answer was wrong.

  7:40PM: i said ‘you’re being drunk, like, antagonistically, i don’t like it, i’m going in the other room.’ sitting in bedroom now.

  7:51PM: ex-boyfriend stood in bedroom doorway, said ‘oh. frowning and minimizing the screen.’ i said ‘what?’ he said ‘you were frowning, then you minimized something.’ i turned the screen to show him a google search result window, and said ‘no, i touched this,’ then maximized the msword window and said, ‘why, do you want to read this?’ he said something with the effect of ‘hell no.’ he tilted his head and kind of did this dancing-inplace thing he does, like, a snaky dance, i call it ‘circles’ sometimes. he said ‘come on peggy. i just want to be nice.’ i was smiling, feeling pressured to smile. i said ‘i want to be nice too.’ he took his underwear off and rubbed his ass on the foot of the bed and used a funny voice to say ‘look at me, i’m a casper. casss-per.’ watching him doing this was, i felt, intended to suddenly make me feel better, but because it wasn’t working, and that i felt pressured to feel better, i felt worse, and stupid for feeling worse. i said ‘casper, i see.’ he stopped and said ‘[his name] thinks megan feels uncomfortable, needlessly.’ i smiled. i said ‘megan thinks sometimes [his name] does things to provoke her when he’s drunk and then she wants to be alone.’ he said ‘[his name] doesn’t mean to provoke her.’ i said ‘i know you don’t mean to. i think i just feel like. i wish i would’ve done more today, i don’t like hearing about all the other people you like more than me, i don’t like how you act when you’re drunk and i’m not, we’re not on the same. um. i don’t know. maybe i’ll be drunk later and it’ll be okay. i’m having a bad day, i’m just sensitive right now, it’s not going to be good if i’m around you right now.’ somewhere around ‘not going to be good,’ he gestured like ‘done. i’m done. unreasonable, this situation
is unmanageable’ and left. unsure what was upsetting: that i agreed and felt the same about him, or. actually can’t think of anything else, that must be it.

  now he’s being loud/heavy with the feet. stomping on purpose.

  8:15–9pm: main events:

  Heard tv go off and him sit next to me

  Talked about moving logistics

  He said Sunday is our last day here

  Looked at 1975 calendar wall hanging, two tears

  ‘Sunday’

  Would move things Thursday

  I was stupid for not knowing if he meant we should pack mon tues weds

  Said I don’t know I didn’t plan, how could he expect me to know what he was thinking

  Said it was better for me to just go

  At some point referenced my period not being here yet

  He said ‘unless there’s…one of our little friends’

  Unclear if he meant I was pregnant by someone else, ‘a friend,’ or that I had another ‘friend’ in me like I had before

  Dressed, feeling bad

  ‘I’m just going to go back to Maryland, it’ll be better, I have a printer there’

  Asked me to jump over bed to ‘show me you’re a gug gug’

  Better to be away when I’m like this, sensitive, before my period

  He said ‘oh come on don’t you just want to be nice’ and I said ‘yeah, that’s why I’m leaving’

  At some point I was laying on top of him and crying and he said ‘look at you with your quarter-sized nose holes and your silver dollar eyes. They don’t make silver dollars much anymore’

  ‘I want someone to say mean things to me’

  I said ‘I don’t want to do that,’ then ‘well okay I think you can act insensitive when you’re drunk’

  He immediately made excuse/seemed to want to argue

  ‘I don’t want to do that’

  Corrected me about how I said he got girl’s phone number IMPORTANT: HE GAVE HER HIS PHONE NUMBER, DID NOT ASK FOR HERS, I MISREMEMBERED that and number of people in car, he said I was exaggerating, I said no I want to be accurate and maybe idea of picking up the mom made me feel like six ppl in five person car, he rolled his eyes and said ‘well it certainly makes you seem [something about thinking I was trying to garner sympathy/make him look bad]’

  I said ‘I want to hear factual corrections, is there anything else like that, like, factually’

  I was sitting on top of him

  I said ‘are there other factual things?’

  I said ‘it’s actually funnier, I forgot you gave her your phone number, so and like, in your line of thinking that makes you look worse or whatever, like in your line of thinking what actually happened would be the thing I’d lie about, to make you look worse’

  He said ‘oh and let’s not forget about good writing, being honest, how it’s actually better writing to not manipulate the audience’ (IMPORTANT: HE DID NOT SAY THE WORD ‘MANIPULATE,’ I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT HE SAID EXACTLY, ‘MUSN’T MISREPRESENT HIM’)

  I said ‘fuck this don’t talk to me about better writing, fycj this shit I don’t want to hear this from you again’

  Gathered deodorant and phone in rapid comedic succession without looking at him, darting my arm back into room to thing I wanted from dresser

  On floor of car: his jacket and water bottle

  Walked inside thinking ‘he’ll think I’m coming back to apologize, I’m not even going to say anything, HA’ or something similarly stupid

  Silently placed jacket/bottle on table and left

  Driving now

  9:49pm: suddenly aware of hunger. peeled orange. Might cover up cigarette smell, good. Remember yesterday when ex-boyfriend said he thought it was gross when people ate citrus fruits, and my recent switching to only buying oranges around him when I want fruit because he has said things about how pre-cut fruit in containers was ‘poisonous,’ because the cutting leading to oxygenating areas of the fruit and them decaying faster.

  10:22pm: no one seemed to be in apartment. Combed hair with fingers in full-length mirror. Looked for ‘most visible spot’ to place ex-boyfriend’s phone. Alvie made chirping sounds. He found me and walked in an infinity symbol-pattern between my feet. When I kneeled to pet him he rolled on his back and pushed his body into the areas my hands touched him. Thought ‘petting me back.’ Stood in kitchen with lights off and drank remaining morning coffee. Ex-boyfriend emailed that he was at the library and I could come if I wanted ‘stanky leg’ but if not that’s fine, thanked me for ‘going above and beyond,’ bringing back phone. Sitting at kitchen table now, unsure what to do. Took a picture of Shirley on my leg and Alvie looking ‘caught in the act.’

  10:51pm: called mom to say I’m coming home. Responded to a text message. Fed cats. Snorted most of remaining heroin. Watched little particles puff in the lights and mix with dust.

  10:57PM: heard keys and the first floor door and decided that was my cue to leave. listened to a few more people enter building, but none of their sounds felt like the ‘lucky sound’ to cue me to leave. opened door to ex-boyfriend, grinning and carrying a black plastic bag. exchanged sitcom-y looks and variations of ‘well, look at who it is’ as neither of us followed nor lead the other, i think, to the spot where it felt right to stop and hug.

  he said ‘so peg, you peg much while i was gone?’ i said ‘yeah. i’m pegging you right now. you think that’s your dick but that’s actually how hard i’m pegging you. you don’t even know.’

  11–11:30PM: sat side-by-side on kitchen table bench, talking normally but something felt different. one of us joked about my parents making a crucial oversight about birth control—something they could mistakenly, but very possibly truly, think. i said ‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.’ ex-boyfriend paused for a moment. he said ‘japanese people don’t just say ‘apple.’ their word for ‘apple’ is like, ‘the most visible apple one sees after it has grown and fallen from apple tree.”

  talked about the pricing and label of his miller milwauke’s best 40oz. i said ‘is the. why is it blue, is it like, supposed to tell us it’s an ice thing? cold? arctic?’ he smiled and said ‘huh. yeah, what the hell is that?’

  11:30PM: in the fridge is a plastic container of chicken wing tips ex-boyfriend saved from a night we made hot wings, weeks ago. i said ‘i think this is also part of what’s been making it stink.’ he agreed. he said ‘should we just dump it in the water at penn treaty park too?’ i said ‘yeah’ and ‘dumping things’ or something.

  11:34PM: sat on toilet and called mom. saw blood on underpants and said ‘i got my period’ excitedly to ex-boyfriend, watching me from kitchen. he gave me a head check. licked my lips at him and pretended to be aroused by the period blood while i peed. talked in a normal voice to mom while continuing to make ‘nasty porno face.’ ex-boyfriend feigned disgust. or, i guess it could’ve been real disgust at my feigned disgusting behavior. so in either case, a degree of inauthenticity on both our parts. authentically inauthentic.

  exited bathroom holding tampon applicator and wrapper. somehow it was decided we would throw the tampon accessories out with the rotten wings. gathered wings and tampon accessories in a black plastic bag. in less of a hurry to leave this time.

  MARCH 26, 2013

  12:04AM: ex-boyfriend said ‘i have to pee.’ i said ‘pee on me.’ he said ‘okay’ and unzipped his pants. i said ‘no, pee on the wings, in the wing container. it’ll be sick.’ he peed in the wing container until it was full. i re-capped the container. he said ‘you have to like, punt it. drop-kick it into the water.’ i said ‘dropkick murphys.’ was grinning a lot. it smelled sour. tried to take pictures but it wasn’t working. ex-boyfriend said ‘yeah, get a picture of it by like, in front of that sick apartment building. philly is so sick.’ he said something about my shoes, offered his shoe instead, said ‘i can tie it really tight on your foot.’ i said i would just use my shoes, ‘my flats.’ we said ‘flats’ a few times, chuckling. he said ‘can your ph
one like, take video?’ i said ‘no there’s not enough room. i could get. my computer? should i do that?’ he paused and said ‘whatever man, it’s your thing.’ felt something in me drop. it wasn’t as fun, thinking it was ‘my thing.’ asked him to take a picture of me punting the container. he said ‘no, i feel like i want to witness the moment fully.’ i said ‘yeah. yeah. okay.’ he said ‘no, stand up here on this thing, so you won’t worry about falling over.’ i stood next to him on the cement fixture. i said ‘okay. this is it.’ he said ‘okay.’ he tried to take a picture of me holding the pee-wings. i dropped the container and missed kicking it. heard it hit the rocks. ex-boyfriend stood. it was quiet. he said ‘well. that’s it.’ i said ‘yup. that’s it.’ he put his 40 back in bookbag.

  walking back to the car, i said ‘it wasn’t as urgent as the watermelon, was it? something was different about this time.’ he didn’t say anything.

  12:30–1AM: expressed desire for ‘sparkly drink.’ ex-boyfriend played a funny chief keef song. i said there should be a video game like ‘street fighter’ but with rappers, you fight all the rap feuds. ex-boyfriend said that existed.

  passed a ‘MARCH MADNESS SPECIALS: BEER WINGS SHRIMP’ applebees sign. i said ‘close your eyes. guess what three words applebees lists for ‘march madness specials.” ex-boyfriend said ‘coors light draft?’ i said ‘beer wings shrimp.’ pulled into wawa parking lot. ex-boyfriend said ‘ah, skrim.’ i said ‘any time i ask you a question like that, like, a march madness food question: know that one of the answers will always be shrimp.’

  ordered a BLT and ex-boyfriend ordered another sandwich. stood by sandwich area, waiting. i said ‘there are no video games where you’re like, the bad guy. you’re just doing bad stuff.’ ex-boyfriend said ‘yeah, well. you do bad stuff but they always make you relatable.’ i said ‘yeah. or, no. grand theft auto, kind of. just doing bad stuff.’