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by Megan Boyle

  8:30AM: was awakened by a door-pounding landlord who seemed to want to argue and i said ‘you’re not wrong, i’m not wrong’ and ‘just tell me what you want me to do’ and ‘that already happened, what is there do to now?’ and ‘i want this to be easy for everyone.’ i’d say something like that and he’d look shocked and like he wanted to argue more. seems like he has already spent the last month’s rent (we paid first month, last month, & deposit upon moving in) and is upset about not knowing we were moving out until a few weeks ago. seemed hard to get him to leave, he just wanted to argue. he doesn’t speak english well so he was basically saying the same sentences also, only getting madder and madder. he said ‘i’ll go look over my lease’ seeming to know that if he did he would find that ex-boyfriend and i are not in trouble and don’t owe him money. heard loud jackhammering coming from downstairs.

  looked for lease. texted ex-boyfriend. called dad, he makes copies of everything.

  jackhammering continued during sleepy phone conversation with ex-boyfriend. i said ‘he seems to be doing it on purpose…suddenly doing things to the building…’ he and his wife have been the worst landlords. mostly for things in the beginning. a lot of saying they would do stuff and never doing it.

  typed ‘Could you please call before you come over next time? I know you’re upset but that’s no reason to not be polite’ in a text message draft i deleted.

  called ex-boyfriend again. he is driving back from new jersey tonight.

  ate another 1mg xanax and put in earplugs. slept through 1PM alarm.

  3:30PM: woke tired and sweaty. remembered the carb run. wanted another bagel. need to pack all my things today. seems hopeless, impossible. drinking energy drink.

  4:10PM: my shirt is all sweaty. it’s making me colder. scared to take it off and feel momentary ‘colder than shirt’ cold. feel incapable of doing anything while so cold. so much to do. i’m going to go out to somewhere to get boxes and take a molly to pack.

  going to want to be writing/not packing while on molly i think.

  would be funny if i was on molly when ex-boyfriend comes home…

  ‘hey peg [sadly, droopily, closing front door]’

  ‘[sound of fast, staggered stomping, then down the stairs, hugging him violently]’

  ‘SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU AUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST WANT TO BITE DOWN ON STUFF SO HARDDDDDDDDDDDD I LIKE SEEING YOU, LET’S SCREAM AS LOUD AS WE CAN OKAY’

  coming down from molly while packing though…uff. guess i’ll save for later.

  4:15PM: gotta get out this door to some liquor store for more boxes. gotta get garbage bags. gotta at least look like i did shit today. humorless packing day.

  5:53pm: driving now. If you get in a car accident with a horse and carriage are you more in trouble about the horse damage or the carriage damage?

  If I’m ever in a wheelchair and I get hit by a car and the thing ends up going to court I’m going to insist it was an ‘automobile collision’ and sue them for discrimination if they insist I’m a pedestrian.

  Driving to whole foods to get green juice and garbage bags and boxes. Gonna pack the shit outta this apartment.

  5:57pm: made open, relentless, unforgiving eye contact with an albino man while picking my nose.

  6:18pm: liquor store employee went to look for boxes. Placed whiskey on counter and cashier rang it up. She was wearing white plastic gloves. The man brought out five boxes. I thanked him and he said ‘I tried to get you, like, the pretty ones’ like he was saying ‘you have something coming out of your nose.’

  6:20pm: boxes had cardboard bottle separators in them. I put all the separators into one box. Only one box could fit inside another box. I fashioned the boxes in front of me for ‘optimum easy carrying. Felt like I looked like a miro painting. Or. No. Who does the boxes? Maybe miro painting because my head is a circle and the whiskey bag hanging on my arm below the boxes was kind of circular. Passed an ageless looking man singing like how people sing in musicals. Enunciating the words and with vibrato. He looked like he was thinking ‘I’m giving the world a message right now and they don’t want to hear it but I’m better for it but I should still be careful because the world is evil and it wants to hurt me.’ Tried to make eye contact with him but he wouldn’t. Thought he would get a kick out of my boxes, like, I was a stagehand or something, carrying boxes backstage to make his show work for him. When he passed me he was singing ‘we could’ve had one season.’

  6:40pm: ex-boyfriend texted that he was in traffic and wouldn’t make it back for jeopardy. I said I wouldn’t either.

  7:00pm: asked beer distributor store for boxes. The guy said ‘we’re a distributor, remember, we sell everything in boxes.’

  7:20pm: got more boxes from another liquor store. Like 12 boxes now, I think. Good.

  7:46PM: texted colin and called dad. brought in all the boxes. this white and brown spotted cat has been here since we moved in. i call him ‘brad.’ he is really sweet and friendly and rubby. i wanted him to be one of our cats, or like, for us to take him to a shelter. talked about that with ex-boyfriend and decided he was better ‘on the streets,’ since people like us could adopt him, or he’d be killed. here he has people on the block to feed him. i used to feed him every day i think, then saw that the corner store fed him also, then i moved out. then i moved back in and i didn’t see brad as much.

  brad followed me around while i took trips moving boxes from my car to inside. i pet him for some time. he seemed harder to pet, like, around his head. but he also looked less skinny.

  7:52PM: saw the woman who lives under me walk in a little before me and locked the door on one of my ‘box trips.’ she is pretty, with dyed red hair or hair extensions. entered apartment with ‘last trip’ of boxes. she seemed to be arguing with boyfriend, heard children also. she said ‘i ain’t do that in like three months.’

  7:55PM: fed cats. lit candles in the apartment for. i don’t know. when ex-boyfriend gets back there will be candles, it will feel okay. somehow. fed brad. if you want brad. i. jesus. i hope someone nice will find brad and let him come inside. he’s never even tried to come inside.

  8–9:21PM: packed books and small things. ex-boyfriend came home. we had both bought whiskey. we packed books together in the main room.

  he said ‘peg are there markers?’ i unwrapped a kotex pad on our bedroom dresser, removed the adhesive, and stuck the pad on my forehead before i walked downstairs. i said ‘i didn’t see markers.’ ex-boyfriend didn’t mention forehead pad, he like. he just understood the joke.

  MARCH 29, 2013

  8:14AM: here are things i remember from last night:

  • said ‘it would be good if there was like, a band that played all clichés, like, they made it their mission to only do that. like every one of their songs was about a specific cliché.’ did not use those words to say that. said it because of something ex-boyfriend said that made me think something about the radio.

  • later something simlarly interesting was said. asked ex-boyfriend if he remembered what it was and he said ‘it was better than your idea’ or something. which it was, i feel.

  • used ex-boyfriend’s phone then mine, via bad reception, to order this: ‘germantown special cheesesteak’ (contains mushrooms, peppers, onion, pepperoni), ten hot wings, one large mushroom pizza. funny things happened on the phone when ordering.

  • at germantown a guy was on ‘the CW’ news for saving a man from getting hit by a subway train. the man looked like kenny. ex-boyfriend and i do ‘kenny voice’ sometimes. i haven’t written about kenny yet. from 2010 to 2012, i think, my dad house-sat for his friend, who had moved to hawaii. kenny and his girlfriend, alice, rented the third bedroom in the house. i’d sometimes stay there for weekish-long periods. i’ve known kenny since i was a child. he’s always done work on our houses. kenny brings a lot of joy to my life. he likes to tell this story about how he went to nashville to try to be a country singer. apparently he almost had a record deal. my dad said he would’ve gotten
signed, but he was too drunk when he met with the record label people. the meeting ended with kenny telling them they were stupid, throwing a chair, and maybe being escorted out of the building. for christmas one year he gave me a CD of four songs he wrote: ‘okey dokey,’ ‘man of the house,’ ‘mother’s day,’ and ‘don’t be caught dead without jesus.’ the cover of the CD is a photo collage of his face interspersed wih an image of him sitting on a stool, holding a guitar, behind the text ‘Kenny Ray Sings.’

  writing all of this now…damn. i love kenny. i miss living with him and alice. kenny’s brother stayed with us for a week. he shat his pants regularly. alice said he asked if he could have sex with her, with kenny in or out of their room. she was upset by this and by kenny’s not-immediately revolted reaction. alice worked at the laundromat less than a block from the house. was jealous of her, for that. she or kenny would stand in my bedroom door or on the porch and talk for long periods of time, probably over ten minutes. i wouldn’t mind not saying much back to them. think i recorded some conversations on my other computer. one of the last nights at the house, as we were packing to leave, kenny asked me to marry him. he said i should dye my hair red. that’s not why i dyed my hair red, but, or. maybe it is, i don’t know. i asked what he was having for dinner. he said ‘dinner?’ i said ‘yeah.’ he held up a bag and was like, ‘i eat this for dinner. six-pack. eat a six-pack for dinner. heh heh heh.’ last night on the phone my dad said kenny is taking another ex-girlfriend’s son to court for assault, and taking her to court for stealing food stamps. was sad to hear that. dad said the people at the v.a. hospital give kenny too many drugs and he’s ‘not himself’ anymore, which probably means he’s calm and doesn’t talk much. dad said kenny has a lot of wrist pain. they still talk regularly.

  • i said ‘the people on ‘king of the hill’ must be rich or something, or like, dale’s wife, since she’s the weather lady.’ ex-boyfriend said ‘but texas is so big, no one makes much money. especially them. they’re like, way out there.’

  9:00AM: heard my name and walked to bedroom. ex-boyfriend had an erection, said ‘can you help? it’s almost ready.’ made eye contact while he orgasmed in my mouth. held him from behind. wondered if i could fall asleep and heard the rhythmic clicking of his teeth, indicating he had. sometimes he bites in his sleep. the clicking stopped and we laid quietly for some time. felt him inching closer to the wall, usually after a microscopic muscle adjustment or slightly deeper inhalation or exhalation coming from one of us. sometimes i’d hear a noise or one of us would move and i’d think ‘no, then another thing will change and soon i’ll be doing something else.’ indirectly attempted to downgrade ‘period of interminable silent wall-scooching’ to ‘period of interminable snuggling and napping’ by asking if this was ‘the last time we’re going to wake up together, in this bed?’ i knew we both knew it was, but wasn’t sure how much either of us wanted for it to be. he sat upright and said ‘yes’ decisively, using a new impersonal tone of voice that seemed to surprise both of us, aiding his speedy departure from the room with limited eye contact. moved to fill the space he left, wanting to continue laying before i knew he was awake. his arms had been too tense to fit mine under his, against his body. felt like i was forcing myself on him. thought ‘okay. that’s all it’s going to be, that’s all it ever was, really, okay.’

  9:28AM: looked at new watch. ex-boyfriend started ordering watches from the internet this fall. they’re always breaking and he’s always wearing a new one. i think he’s bought more than i’ve known about. recently learned the watches were incentives/motivation to quit or drink less alcohol. now he likes these cheap european ones, ‘breo luminex.’ last night he held out his wrist and said ‘i got these watches, they’re the same as casio.’ i said ‘oh yeah, those ones. i want the all-white one.’ he said ‘i got that one too, you can have it.’ have been wearing all-white one. that’s what i looked at that said ‘9:28am.’

  9:45AM: ex-boyfriend was sitting naked on the blue chair where i was sitting when i had the idea to do baby’s day out. now he’s in the bedroom. i said ‘can’t we go to the dew inn?’ he said ‘no. just fight through the hunger.’ i said ‘fine. i’m going to whole foods in like. thirty minutes. like, a half an,’ he rolled his eyes, ‘hour.’ he had eaten the leftovers sometime after i had fallen asleep. he said he had a hard time falling asleep, didn’t until 5AM or something.

  continued ‘things i remember from last night:’

  • watched ‘love you, mean it’ pilot episode while eating. whitney’s presence seemed terrible. i related to her fragileness and wanting-to-tryness. i said her presence was so uncomfortable. ex-boyfriend said he loved it, and, with delight, ‘she’s just not a funny person. i wish it was on mute, just her presence, or someone else saying jokes over her on mute.’

  • ex-boyfriend missed a call from his ex-girlfriend and turned off phone. a little later he turned it back on and i said something about how he was ‘getting in on’ her voicemail, wanting to know what she said. he said ‘i’ll just tell her we’re packing’ and left the room to talk. we were about to watch ‘king of the hill’ when she called, thought he wouldn’t call back. heard him talking in the other room. after the phone call we argued a little. i felt like i was acting like him. it was like, clear that i was upset, but i was saying ‘i don’t want to talk about it, let’s just watch ‘king of the hill” in an unconvincingly unbothered voice.

  • watched a recent episode of ‘king of the hill.’ i said ‘i’ve never seen a full one, i think.’ asked to watch another one. we watched the first episode. i was like ‘i can’t believe i’ve never seen this, this is so good.’ ex-boyfriend was like ‘yeah, you’re stupid for never seeing this.’ searched for pictures of mike judge on google image. i said ‘he’s really handsome.’ ex-boyfriend said something about him looking normal. i kept stressing that he was ‘so handsome’ and looked like a guy i sort of dated. was aware of acting in a way i don’t like. looked at the wikipedia page of a movie called ‘extract.’ i said ‘i think i’ve seen that, if i saw a preview i’d be able to say if i’ve seen it.’ talked about jason bateman. ex-boyfriend said ‘he was the bad dad in ‘juno.” i didn’t remember. ex-boyfriend was like ‘how could you not remember.’ i said ‘he’s on that show i don’t like. he’s most famous for that.’ ex-boyfriend said ‘feel like i don’t know who he is, at all.’ i said “arrested development.’ that show is so stupid and not funny.’ ex-boyfriend said ‘he’s the straight man on that show. like he’s the normal guy.’ remembered bonding about not liking ‘arrested development’ at an easier, earlier time in our relationship. i said ‘do you think mike judge has like, a mansion?’ ex-boyfriend said ‘definitely’ and something about a ‘creator credit’ and money. i said ‘you could do that, you have so many ideas. just move to l.a. and do that.’ he made a noise like ‘alright, already,’ like he did not want to hear the thing i was saying, or didn’t believe me, or was irritated i’d think that about him. he could do what mike judge does and get a mansion, though. he is so funny. his brain is like, always generating funny interesting ideas. i said ‘it seems like a lot of people probably think mike judge is making fun of the people he makes shows about but i feel like he’s just. like. what i like about it is that he’s not making fun of anyone.’ ex-boyfriend said ‘yeah. he came from that. it’s about what he came from.’

  9:50AM: learned, in the hallway, i fell asleep at 2AM after requesting sex. i said ‘was there blood?’ ex-boyfriend said ‘you would know more than i,’ grinning and kind of laughing, referencing blowjob. i said ‘was it. did i fall asleep in a ‘king of the hill?” zero memory of sex. ex-boyfriend said i was ‘begging for it.’ i believe it. just felt around for my tampon. not there.

  10:05AM: sitting in the living room now. leopard-print snuggie i bought on ‘fun platonic fun day after ex-boyfriend’s 2010 baltimore reading’ is draped on his nude body like tarzan. i am on the couch. he is holding a water bottle and doing snaky ‘circles’ dance and smil
ing like jim carrey, seeming to tread water before we talk again, pleasantly treading water.

  took pictures of alvie’s insane iconic lazy cat pose. ex-boyfriend is visible in some. said ‘i know you’re just embarrassed for…people to know you were with me…i know that’s why you don’t want me to say your name,’ sounding shakier than i felt. finished strong with a grin and ‘don’t think i have feelings about it because i don’t.’ he rolled his eyes and said ‘you’re making me want to start doing things.’ i thought ‘shit, he remembers,’ and said ‘that’s good, that’s good. anything to make you feel like wanting to do your things.’ wished i hadn’t said anything, like maybe i could’ve continued to distract us from packing all day.

  10:31AM: i said ‘if you take it apart you can just keep it, i don’t want to put it back together’ about a bookcase. a little later i was irritated to still be talking about this, said something like ‘you have to find ways for everything to fit in your car. i’m not responsible for that. i wanted a u-haul.’ we talked a little about moving plans. i said ‘okay, so. no dew inn. you’re going to do your things. i’ll do this thing. then i’ll go to whole foods. then i’ll do the stuff you’ll be doing. packing.’

  10:43AM: ex-boyfriend entered room dressed and with wet hair, looking for tape. feeling extremely…still…like, half-drunk from last night and effected by 1mg xanax i ate thinking it would help me return to sleep sooner. commented on a lot of facebook photos of my close friend and former roommate and ‘person i will always love and strive to be like in some way, probably always from a distance but hopefully up-close again someday,’ christiana, who lives in chicago. mattie, if you remember me mentioning mattie, is also a person like this, and a person like chelsea. former best friends who seem upset with me not talking to them but i’m upset about not talking to them as much also. know it’s my fault. they all seem successful now, teaching or working at museums or getting doctorates, in relationships i’ve perceived from a distance to be ‘healthy.’ wish i lived with mattie and christiana again. wish i lived next to chelsea again.