LIVEBLOG

by Megan Boyle

  1:00–3:14pm: apartment committee person called, said ‘so what did you want to talk about?’ I said ‘oh, I don’t know, the real estate agent…Colin told me to ask you to call me. I thought you wanted to talk about something.’ apartment person sounded like he was smiling and said ‘nope, you’re coming tonight right?’ I said ‘yeah, should I bring anything?’ he said ‘no, they just want to meet you in person. It’ll be in the laundry room of the building so, you know, just wait there in the hall and someone will get you.’

  Responded to a ghat from Zachary from a few days ago, where he had said his ex-girlfriend would be at the Fishkind show (Fishkind is the band he was listening to nostalgically while drinking a few days before we moved out of Philadelphia apartment, guess they reunited, are playing a show I’m planning to go to at NYU on Friday). Zachary said his ex-girlfriend (who I had friendly interactions with when I met in 2009, when they lived together with Tao in Brooklyn, then un-friended me on facebook and expressed negative thoughts about me to Zachary when she learned I married Tao in 2010) said she would act cold towards me if she saw me at the show. Zachary said still wanted me to go, so he could have sex with me in the bathroom. I told him a little about my dream and said “see you in the bathroom, like that one strokes song, “see you in the bathroom,’ deliberately misquoting the title, to sound cute/‘carefree.’

  Showered and packed. Aware of not responding to Mira’s email yet and saying I would. Aware of not getting new computer, which dad had asked me to do yesterday so he could have his back. Aware of not mailing books yesterday. Rubbed coconut oil on body. Changed outfit twice. Ate 350mg tramadol, b-vitamin, niacin, noopept.

  3:15–7:05pm: drove to rockaway park. I’m here early. Colin texted around 5:30 asking if I was coming, what time I’d be here. I said I’d be there in an hour or so but the meeting was at 7:30 so I’d be there then, and had already confirmed this with apartment people via email and phone. I don’t think he’ll be at the meeting, unsure why he texted. ‘Can’t believe’ I’m early. Was so sure there would be bad traffic and I hadn’t allowed for enough time. Feel like this bodes well for the meeting.

  7:09pm: sitting in parked car near apartment building. Fixed hair and applied concealer to zit between nose and upper lip. Excited and nervous. Feel like they’re going to ‘find me out’ or will say ‘we’ve been reading your liveblog all along, we know you’re a no-good slumlord.’ I’m picturing myself living here, the things I’m seeing now eventually becoming normal. Ate noopept covertly even though it’s legal, pictured saying ‘it’s a smart drug, no not like a drug though, it’s a health supplement, a nootropic, it’s for improving cognitive functions’ to troubled judgmental faces of apartment committee people.

  7:18pm: palms are sweaty and stomach is making noises. Googled ‘rockaway park newspaper’ because in my cover letter I said I was interested in becoming involved in it because Colin told me it would be good if I said that. In a window of a house to my left, four dogs have been staring at points in the distance, mostly motionlessly this entire time. One just walked away. Took a picture with my phone.

  7:21pm: walking to building now. Heart beating fast.

  7:27pm: woman said ‘are you Megan?’ and led me to the laundry room. She said ‘I’m actually just getting here so I’m going to use the bathroom.’ She said a woman with long blonde hair named Jennifer might come into room. She said ‘sit here and make yourself at home’ and walked away. Heard Colin’s voice say ‘are you meeting Megan?’ from building entrance.

  8:59pm: after meeting Colin told me I got the apartment. Texted mira to see if she still wants to hang out. Feeling tramadol things big time I think, like very spacey, forget how I act normally or what kind of things I say. At one point in interview Julie was telling a long story about how she ended up with a Christmas tree this year and I was looking at her and nodding and for a moment felt like I was on LSD, like ‘I have no idea what this means, how is this happening, I’m going to freak out and not be able to talk the next time I have to say something.’ Julie and Jennifer seemed to think I was from north Carolina. Surprised not to be ‘grilled’ about how I’ll be able to pay for apartment, or that they didn’t ask me more questions about my job. Jennifer said ‘I think that’s so cool that you’re a writer, what do you write?’ I said ‘I do humor things, humor things and personal essays.’ Surprised I thought of ‘personal essays’ on the spot.’ Jennifer said ‘oh-hhhh’ and smiled and looked unsure of what to say. There was a lot of talking about hurricane Sandy during interview. Interviewers and Colin seemed to know everyone who walked in to the laundry room. When a conversation about my cats finished I said ‘so it’s okay if I just let them walk around in the hallway and on the beach, right?’ Julie paused and said ‘well I’m not sure if—’ I interrupted, ‘I’m kidding, I’m kidding.’ People nodded and went ‘haha’ without laughing. Julie said ‘would they do that, your cats? They go outside and they know how to get back?’ I said ‘no, definitely not, they’re inside cats, definitely, I wouldn’t do that.’ Jennifer said ‘they could go outside on the fire escape, to sit in the sun?’ I said ‘I mean…probably not.’ Colin said ‘yeah, I like cats.’

  Colin walked me outside and said it was okay to smoke pot and cigarettes in apartment. Julie walked out at the same time as us. She and Colin knew each other but had forgotten each other’s names. He said ‘Colin, like Colin Farrell.’ she said ‘I’ll remember because of ‘love actually.” he said ‘yeah, Colin Farrell.’ she said ‘no there’s a character, ‘Colin.’ and you’re…?’ I said ‘Megan.’ she said ‘I’ll remember that.’ Colin said ‘Megan Fox.’ I said ‘oh yeah.’ he said ‘Colin Farrell Megan Fox’ and I followed him out the building.

  9:17pm: sitting in car. I’m going to be moving everything Monday. Hard to imagine. The logistics…

  9:27pm: texted Mira that it was okay if she is feeling antisocial and reconsidering hanging out.

  9:48pm: have seen ‘9:48 PM’ on phone clock maybe six times. Now it’s 9:49. Still sitting in parked car. 9:50. Worried Mira thinks it’s not okay to tell me she doesn’t want me to stay over tonight, unsure if I should’ve texted to confirm earlier.

  9:59pm: going to text this to Mira: ‘Shit just realized not texting you to confirm letting me stay over earlier was ‘faux pas’/could lead to inconveniencing you or you not being sure of what you’re doing tonight and making other plans, I should’ve texted dog, I’m sorry. Think I’m gonna head back to md, feel anxiety about not doing all the stuff I was supposed to do yesterday + starting to plan/pack/figure out how to move. Sorry again for no contact oof, big dog faux pas.’

  10:02pm: I texted it. Feel unable to discern…anything, I think, about situation…like if I did a faux pas or if Mira doesn’t like me as much anymore or if her phone is broken…those are the only reasons I can think of but none of them feel like the reason. Unsure if it’s more socially acceptable to tell Mira I’m going home, or if I should find something to do in NYC until I hear from her. Imagining Mira never talking to me again, like this would be a logical point, the most likely point in our friendship to ‘abandon ship,’ would be funny if that happened.

  10:19pm: missing Zachary for some reason.

  10:27pm: read Mira’s twitters. She lost her wallet and had an upsetting phone conversation with dad, has mentioned crying in public and ordering a side of bacon and a side of bread from somewhere. If those things were happening to me I wouldn’t want to respond to text messages either. Hope my last text/me going home reduces stress for her.

  10:34pm: interesting that I’ve never gotten lost or made a wrong turn in rockaway park but I get lost like, driving to dad’s apartment, or other places I’ve driven many times.

  10:36pm: hunger pangs.

  11:25pm: Mira texted that she had forgotten about me coming today, described hellish circumstances of life like I had read on twitter, that she thought I was easy/fun to be around and I didn’t do a faux pas and she was down to go to fishkind tomorrow or hang out an
y time. Texted this:

  ‘Jesus re wallet and arguing and 10 texts bro, read this and your twitters, seems like you are in hell big time. Side of bread side of bacon Jesus. I understand 100%, I also forgot about coming today/thought yesterday was Tuesday until some time last night. Relieved to read your texts, you are easy/fun for me to chill with also. I’m down to go to Fishkind tomorrow. Your hellish circumstances…Jesus..I’m sorry all that shit is going on. Stay strong mami, boost boost. I will sprinkle you with Xanax tomorrow.’

  11:35pm: big time drowsy nauseated itchy body lazy eyes. Forgot tramadol lasts so long.

  11:40pm: parked at Richard Stockton rest stop to buy sugar-free red bull and maybe a food unit.

  11:50pm: burger king was open but didn’t want to do that. Tried credit card in red bull machine but it didn’t work. Walked to Sunoco snack shop. Bought 16oz sf red bull, neuro sonic, and white chocolate macadamia clif bar. Lady who rang me up had bright red hair. I said I liked it. She said the salon had left the bleach on her head for too long and she hated it so she got her hair for free, and is going back in a few days to get it darkened. I said ‘you don’t like it?’ she said ‘naw, don’t you think I look like a stop sign?’ I said ‘no, it looks great. I mean I used to do blue and all that.’ she said ‘select credit or debit.’ I did ‘credit’ and picked up the plastic pen to sign the machine. She ‘no, you have to sign on the paper.’ I signed and picked up my things. She said ‘you don’t want a bag?’ I shook my head and said ‘no, and well, good luck when you get it re-done in a few, whenever, you look great.’ she said ‘thank you, you have a nice night’ and we were smiling at each other.

  APRIL 26, 2013

  12:53am: they would make a lot of money from a snack food called ‘carbs.’ still driving home.

  12:56am: names of rest stops on 95, between Baltimore and NYC (not in order):

  • Chesapeake house

  • Maryland house

  • Clara Barton

  • Richard Stockton

  • J. Fennimore Cooper

  • Walt Whitman

  1:28–1:43am: pictured something and got aroused and tried to masturbate. Came close to orgasm a few times, kept getting distracted.

  1:44–3:00AM: drove, minimal thoughts/feelings, listened to ipod on ‘shuffle.’ there was construction and i took a wrong turn, ended up taking the long way back to mom’s through baltimore city.

  3:01–4:07AM: picked at face/back/chest skin in mirror, washed/disinfected, texted with mira, applied coconut oil to hair, applied pajamas. out of tampons so i wrapped long strip of toilet paper around ‘blood zone’ in underpants. have never heard a rapper compare their ‘flow’ to a menstrual flow…seems like, really good…hard to rhyme ‘menstrual’ with stuff though. or they could say they do something once a month, like laundry or something, like ‘my laundry got menstrual flow.’

  4:50pm: driving to NYC for Fishkind show. This is a bad idea. Committed to doing bad idea. Woke around 1:30pm, fell asleep around 6am. Vaguely antagonistic internet communications with Zachary. Showered and dressed. Measured myself: chest 34”, waist 26”, hips 36”.

  5:20pm: merging onto 95n. Traffic slow. Passed sign with chic-fil-a and panera bread logos. Almost out of gas. Why am I doing anything…

  5:49pm: stopped at a wawa. Bought 20oz and 8oz sf red bulls, clif bar. Wanted to throw in the towel and buy blt and go home and go wah wah wah. Radio dj keeps saying ‘funky Friday.’ Ate 1mg Xanax to…I don’t know…should I just stop at the next thing, the next service center, start a new life there…I could work at the z-market or travel mart…it would be fine.

  5:57pm: dj said ‘we have a request here for ‘funky Nassau,’ next up on funky Friday.’ he sounded unsure of himself but I think he was making up the request, I don’t believe someone requested this. I don’t believe anyone requests songs anymore. When I was little I wanted to hear ‘eternal flame’ by the bangles because I had never heard the whole thing, just a few seconds of it on an infomercial for one of those Time Life mix-CDs. I requested it on lite 101.9 WLIF. The dj asked me who I wanted to dedicate it to and I wasn’t prepared so I said ‘Allie, Jamie, and Ashley.’ little girl on the radio pressured to dedicate a love song she’d never heard to three girl friends. Cute.

  6:33pm: ate .5mg Xanax and clif bar. 8884272643 is the suicide hotline number in this area, somewhere in Delaware. The suicide hotline thing came on after end of ‘goodbye stranger’ by supertramp. That song. The way it sounds. Makes me feel stuff. I have to pee damnit. Now on nj turnpike.

  6:41pm: radio dj said ‘hear what we’ve done, what we did, and what we’re doing n-ooooo-w’ in a sexy confident voice.

  6:45pm: starting to feel good from Xanax, the loving Xanax brain hold…thought ‘stussy’

  7:06pm: finna get some chicken lickens from this nast burger baby king and let this pee outta me. J fennimore cooper rest stop worldwide.

  7:10pm: huge ass bathroom line huge ass burger king line fuck it man I’m

  7:16pm: chicken lickens hell. I want chicken lickens. Woman behind me in tie dye shirt has ‘grazed’ me with her titties twice. Abandoning ship.

  7:51pm: 44mins away gonna try Joyce Kilmer rest stop gotta get my chicken lickens. Woodrow Wilson was the stop I forgot

  8:02pm: chicken lickens

  8:23pm: 30mins away. I feel shitty from the chicken lickens.

  8:58pm: ate another .5 Xanax, used face towel, looking for hair brush.

  9–11:59pm: walked in late to Fishkind, it was almost over. Sat by Mira. Traded her two Xanax for three vicodin. Some kind of argument between Zachary and Jamie (name of his ex-gf who has ‘hated me’ since 2010, just learned he’s tentatively moved back in with her in their old apartment) which I didn’t think was serious. Tao was there, surprised.

  Hi to z and he seemed cold Jamie stepped over me to use bathroom a lot

  Z was wearing my dads blue sweater that I gave him on the storage unit day

  Mosh pit thing, saw Tao watching me maybe

  Talked with Travis and Kat about bike accident, they were going to stay at Jamie’s but Zachary (something about how he and Jamie argued, him not picking up his phone), Andrew Colville driving them back tonight instead

  Gave atcolv a Vicodin for a Xanax and I ate it

  Atcolv and cass moving here to hunter college, relationship problems

  Walking to sly fox bar

  Talked with Tao and Zachery Wood on the way to sly fox, Zachery offered to trade mushrooms for adderall, I said ‘yes’ at first then ‘maybe’ Tao said ‘but you already said’ or something, felt residual relationship anxiety re if it would be better for me to trade or not trade, both Tao and Zachery were smiling/good-natured seeming, think it was quiet for a while then Tao left before we got to party

  Adam and Lauren going to Mexico

  Someone said something re me and liveblog remembered I want to be updating this

  Several people have asked what I’ve been up to and I’ve said ‘nothing’ grinning, they ask ‘no really what’ve you been doing,’ I say ‘nothing, living at my dad’s, doing the liveblog’

  Miles gave me beer

  Miles said funny things, smiling a lot, about a wilderness preserve near where I’ll live in rockaway

  Sam said cocaine and my eyes lit up

  Texted Tao whered u go from bathroom he said he went home

  $1 pizza with Sam Mira Zachery wood

  I’m contributing $97 to coke

  Goog to andrew worthington’s apt

  David and atcolv want coke

  Stood outside and smoked with atcolv zachery wood

  Said ‘you guys are like my solace’ to Sam Mira on steps

  Went back in, drank water

  Sam pink doing Baltimore reading

  Sam pink had tips about crack to Mira Sam

  Mira sam wanted to read part of liveblog aloud where i talked about when we hung out

  People keep asking what im doing I’m saying I’m moving Monday

  Texted D
avid ‘I dunno where dealer is’

  David belligerently wanting coke, saying things like I came here to see his band, I should give him coke, I owe him, funny

  Talked w Dierks about thought catalog

  Maggie convo re coke, asking if they were getting a cab, zachery says ‘you don’t want us around’

  Me saying I feel Xanax things big, shoe discomfort, will I be ok to drive

  In bathroom 11:58 seems hard to talk to people David texted ‘you make me sick’

  Said goodbye to people, sorry re not bringing david and atcolv line of coke, we’re going to andrew’s to do coke, walking to car parked near nyu kimmell center to meet Mira and Sam

  Drive to Andrew’s talked about David, I said ‘sometimes he acts like Zachary, I’ve called him out on it but he doesn’t seem to notice,’ people agreed he acts like Zachary sometimes

  Mira and Sam sat in similar positions on front seat due to cramped car, read crack parts of liveblog aloud

  APRIL 27, 2013

  12–7:[something]am: split eightball between all of us [will elaborate on this + disjointed notes later] **EDIT: as of 3:15AM, may 1, 2013 i have no plans to elaborate

  7:[something]–6:30pm: drove Mira and Sam to Sam’s. ate 1-2mg Xanax and gave some to Mira and Sam, all slept in Sam’s bed.

  6:31pm: jossled awake by a pokey hand of Sam. Mira had left for work at 4 and Sam was getting ready to leave for somewhere. He was sitting at the kitchen table wearing headphones. Asked what he was doing and he said ‘movie stuff’ in ‘I don’t like talking about creative stuff as I’m doing it’ voice I understand and use. Said ‘oh my god’ and ‘xanax, I still feel xanax’ and sam kind of laughed and there were crusty boogers around one of my nostrils. Washed face, blew nose, used mouth wash, dressed. Asked about Mira. Sam said they had argued, kind of, about Sam spending time with his girlfriend. I don’t know details, but on a broad level felt I understood and had been in each of their places/sides of the argument, in past relationships.