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Page 43
Opened matthew donahoo package. Sweet ass package. Wrote him an email. Got caught up in looking at folders/pictures I’d forgotten from 2009-2011.
4:07am: ate 15mg addy noopept driving back now swervy gonna concentrate
6:33am: peed at Joyce Kilmer travel plaza. Have been speaking into voice memo thing that didn’t record but am glad it didn’t. Man resembling Victor Vasquez is sleeping in van next to me. Under his passenger-side door is a Chinese food soup container full of what looks like milk.
6:38am: man is now studying his phone. Re-entering plaza to buy red bull.
6:41am: travel mart was selling more sizes of the ‘new jersey’ t-shirt I bought yesterday. Thought ‘it’s because I’m driving in the opposite direction now, this isn’t the same rest stop as yesterday.’ woman ringing me up was smiling coyly to herself.
7:59am: parked on Newport avenue. Have to pee again. Return of empty dread feeling. Return of ‘the day ahead.’ Humorless. Miss last night, hanging out with mom.
8–9:12AM: talked with mom on phone. positioned body to prolong cats’ rare simultaneous nearness to my head and stomach.
11:15AM: woke to door-buzzer. jogged to buzzer and pressed all three buttons frantically, thinking one would let verizon man in. ran downstairs and saw verizon van with no people inside. sun was bright and heard the ocean and there was sand around the van. post-apocolyptic. looked at phone. mom had called at 11am but i had slept through.
saw man walking in the hallway confidently carrying a coffee cup. hallway smelled like coffee. the man was saying something to an older woman, seeming to ‘strut.’ beaming. felt unsure if he was a person who lived on my floor who if i stopped to meet, would make me more late for the verizon man, or if he was the verizon man. he was beaming bigtime. there was a little confusion about our names. he said ‘i’m fronz.’
he pointed at picture on my wall of asian men sitting in ‘personal hot tub devices’ in some kind of monorail. he said ‘the japanese, they don’t think like us,’ beaming. i said ‘isn’t that great, i found it in a book, i used to work at a book store and people would use things as bookmarks, that’s what the stuff on my wall is.’ franz beamed. he said ‘oh? they don’t think like us at all, the japanese, always they are thinking one step ahead.’ i said ‘yeah, definitely. definitely.’
franz said something about how it would take a while. i said that was okay. he asked if i had a step-stool or ladder and i said no. he left.
swept around where the cord would be installed. ate 15-20mg adderall.
door buzzer made noise. noticed ‘talk’ and ‘listen’ buttons. held ‘door open’ button for a longer-than-normal time, then held ‘listen’ button. eavesdropped on franz talking to a woman as they waited for the elevator. woman said ‘verizon guys are here today?’
12:10PM: franz said ‘you’re not going to see me for a while so. i’ll be in the stairwell, running wires.’
12:16PM: ate 20mg adderall c/o matthew donahoo.
12:24PM: heard door buzzer and walked to it with ‘spacious awareness’ replacing ‘anxiety about not knowing what the buttons do.’ pressed ‘door open’ button extra-long, but less long than other times. interested in this ‘listen’ feature.
franz said ‘who’s this, einstein?’ about a small framed picture of kurt vonnegut. i said ‘i could see that.’ he said ‘he look like the white al sharpton,’ beaming. i said ‘yeah! yeah he’s got the hair, too, kind of. you can’t see though.’ he said something i listened to with delight about not being able to see the hair, einstein, al sharpton. i said ‘yeah, totally. he’s even got the hair.’
12:27PM: i said ‘i’ve never lived in a building with one of those that works,’ gesturing to the door buzzer. franz said ‘oh, cable box?’ i said ‘no, one of those things, the buzzer things.’ traded beams and ‘heh heh heh’s’ with franz. the ‘heh heh heh’s’ tapered down. he said ‘ya. it dahzwork. fanally. that one.’ beaming between the periods.
12:33PM: insane noise from franz. he said ‘i love it, don’t get me wrong, [noise like uhhhhrrerrerreoohreh-huh], i love the money,’ holding a drill.
12:34–12:39PM: something i asked lead to hearing about how fios works, details about cables/wires.
12:40PM: franz is on the phone. i said ‘take your time, i only have a job interview today at four thirty.’ he thought a moment, looking ahead at a point on kitchen counter, and said ‘yes. four thirty we’ll be done.’
12:43PM: door buzzer rang. i pushed ‘door open’ then ‘listen.’ heard clamoring, two mumbled voices. unconsciously pressed ‘door open’ again fast for an ‘added signature noise burst.’ pictured the already-let-in-by-the-long-first-buzz people standing calmly by the elevator, jumping at second buzz and making startled kramer-like noises.
12:45PM: can hear drill on other side of the door. franz is improving my life big time, i feel. it is fun to write about him and soon i’ll have internet. mostly i like franz. i like hanging with franz. beaming franz. his beaming thing, his smile, it’s so…it’s like when you see the .gifs of the person’s face that never changes? he has a big perfect beam every time. it’s really really good.
12:47PM: franz whispered ‘thissis weird’ to himself, to the wall. facing the wall. franz: the wall whisperer. taming the insides of walls. he just barked what sounded like ‘EYALOPH’ into the phone. the process. do not question the process of the wall whisperer.
1:11PM: al has entered building. confusion about al. confusion. al maybe didn’t need to come, i think, has come anyway.
1:16PM: franz said ‘garth called me back,’ he is telling al about garth, garth…garth…i thought garth was al, originally. that was the confusion. standard ‘al/garth’ confusion, common with verizon. we talked about my name, repeated ‘mar-gar-et’ a lot, the three of us. margaret and megan. ‘maurice,’ once. name bonanza. al is on the phone with garth, i can hear garth. the warped voice of garth. garth vader.
1:18PM: chimed in to al/garth conversation with ‘wishing for no work? it’s usually the other way around.’ franz said ‘what?’ and i repeated. repeated that shit a little louder. al beamed. we’re all beaming buddies. beaming with fios.
1:19PM: listening to story i doubt verizon would want customers to hear. involves water. franz said ‘this is what verizon wants’ and ‘once you close that wall’ and ‘gon be my way or no way.’
1:42PM: i gave them each my book, somehow. they wanted me to sign it. oh man. they left saying things about taking out garbage and ‘what is that chicken place? boston market?’ have worried one of them will see video i’ve been recording, sort of hiding computer from them if/when they approach.
1:47PM: stopped recording video and saw video of what i think is a drunk argument between zachary and me at his parents’ house in march. footage of what we were saying before i spilled chicken soup on this computer and opened the back and it was getting repaired ‘indefinitely, seemingly’ at macmedics. i feel good from the adderall. adderall made me a chatty cathy with franz and al. reverend al franz-gar-et chatting it up. uploaded video of this to vimeo account.
1:51PM: just realized since i gave franz and al my book there is an increased chance of them googling me and reading this. hi you guys, if you are reading. my morning/afternoon would’ve felt extremely bleak if not for you guys.
2:11PM: worried they are reading my book right now and saying ‘her apartment is so clean because her head is so dirty’ and chuckling and…also…franz being afraid, maybe, to get the things he left. have concluded that they went to boston market. i don’t know where there’s a boston market here.
2:19PM: door buzz again. going to hide this just in case.
4:13PM: HAVE INTERVIEW WITH CALLAHEAD AT 5PM, GOTTA GET FAST NOW
4:42pm: surprised it is not later. Jogged half a block. Wearing outfit that my bun (via unwashed hair) makes look more hasidicly Jewish.
4:44pm: pug dog in window barked what sounded like ‘a-buhbuhbuhbuh. Moof.’
4:48pm: why won’t nose stop r
unning also pupils look huge worried I am sweating and they will oh no, what if what I practiced saying in the shower comes out…just eased anxiety via thinking of this line of thinking re job interviews as ‘ridiculously common, cliché’ and myself as ‘funnily unaware of being seduced by the cliché.’
Ate giant scoop noopept. OD-ing.
4:52pm: deja vu
4:53pm: listening to ‘Hollywood nights.’ callahead is so close to apartment. So is airport. If I don’t win today I’ll just work at airport.
4:54pm: this gum tastes like the smell of cat pee.
5:16pm: seems like I fucked up big maybe. Charlie. Charlie the boss. He is like Lou grant yeah, from the mary tyler moore show, Mary’s boss. Oh no. Best thing about me seemed to be my car, from his reactions. Oof. My interviewee persona (maximum grin, wide eyes, occasional spasms from uncontrollably spasming body) seems like Ren from ‘Ren & Stimpy.’ Charlie said ‘I’m interviewing twenty girls after you, how do you stick out?’ I said ‘how…’ and he said ‘how.’ I made ‘jazz hands’ and he sighed.
8:12pm: the rainbow light in my room creates a similar light as right now. If sun was a little brighter it would look like mulholland drive dumpster man. Old woman I’ve seen before approached me in opposite direction, shielding her eyes from the sand. I was squinting. Looked up from phone and made neutral eye contact with her. She is wearing turquoise jacket and me turquoise shoes. I’m on the way to meet Jaime for pre-tomorrow-morning-audition for ‘point break live.’
8:30pm: got the ‘listening to ‘Hollywood nights’ with volume barely loud enough to hear because I don’t want to be hearing anything but it’s stuck in my head and I have a headache and noise sensitivity from adderall and no sleep and I don’t know what I’m doing but am glad or no just neutral and maybe a little nervous about the idea of not just doing theater again but an intense physical improv kind of theater no it’ll be fun plus she will also probably not pick me for the role but hey it’s all practice anyway my breath stinks and face feels oily and I keep anxiously picking at scabs on my back who is going to see me naked next yikes hope it’s no one damn driving by a pretty bridge why do all these insurance companies keep calling me almost out of gas I miss feeling physically near to a person no this highway is just brutal and bumpy to drive on and its wnnoying to fix typos am I upsetting anyone do I need to apologize when will I sleep shut up you sound dramatic and I don’t remember exactly but I know you’re diibg or have recently done sonwthibg mbarrassing’ blues
9:02pm: sitting in maybe same space I parked the first/last time I was here, after central park. Interpreted license plate to mean ‘it’s letting me know it’s a ‘GAR:’ the correct spelling of ‘car.”
9:05pm: seems like…I am unemployable…even as…no one wants me, I am squeezing out ‘do you want me’ with continuing to liveblog, squeezing vice grip on the balls of nothing.
At least when someone wants you and you want them it’s like. At least you have that. Boahbapahwbwkqaihwheh how many moist face towels does it take to get to the center of a nervous breakdown
‘actually having a nervous breakdown’ is the new ‘what is a ‘nervous breakdown,’ has anyone actually had one’
Headache
Complainy
Who wants it…
Just me and the e-cigarette suckling on each other until whatever
Imagine suckling a life-sized life-like portable 36C breast
Would smoke or milk be the more appropriate thing to suckle
Or like one on either side of your head like one of those beer helmets
I feel okay again
And that’s how the cookie crumbles
The world famous crumbling manner of the cookie
A ‘crimble’ would be cute
It’d be the word for an exquisite kind of tininess, like the tininess of a mouse nose
9:23pm: walking to studio. Texted Jaime that I’m outside already. Am being presented with an ‘utter slew’—a legion, really—of attractive people slightly younger than me, stinking up the street with how much they belong here. Can smell brick oven pizza and some kind of cooked meat.
MAY 11, 2013
1:29AM: leaving studio. have been talking with jaime and zachery. good talk. drank beers and a kratom thing. my face felt ‘ren & stimpy’-like again. wasn’t sure it was an audition at first…hard to write about conversation right now, all the topics. laughed hard about something at some point, an idea to start a band called ‘practice’ which is always…you just are always watching them practice, if you go to their shows. they don’t know how to play. oh shit there was other funny stuff. i said ‘so you guys were born in what, nineteen seventy-six?’ they said ‘nineteen seventy-seven’ and i said ‘you’re punk as fuck’ and jaime laughed and i thought ‘good comment.’ talked about…hard to type…an albino man with three sets of teeth, parenting, stuff we used to do, stuff we do, accents, cheese skin people, zachery said something funny about leaving, a man named vlad…
3:03AM: raining. credit card doesn’t work. almost out of gas. filled tank with maybe $4 cash in pocket. sang along to ‘possum kingdom’ by toadies and a desaparacidos song and felt afraid of cops on drive back. obsessed with this light thingy in my room. it changes rainbow colors. ate 1mg xanax. need to be back at studio 10:30AM for for-real audition where i will be the stand-in keanu but in the for real play i will be the cue card person who bosses keanu around, maybe…if they will have me…‘point break live:’ sweet as hell.
3:44AM: haven’t eaten since clyde’s with mom oh shit.
4:09AM: forgetting to judge things as ‘embarrassing,’ they’re all blending together, all the thoughts. it doesn’t matter, just. at all. if i’m thinking whatever it’s equally fine to say whatever. i think. hungry. hummus tortilla madness.
9:11–9:45AM: woke to radio and phone alarms. high level of in-bed annoyance re feeling of sand or cat litter or crumbs, hotness/smell of me, smell of nearby cat food, cats jumping and meowing. thought ‘they’re being loud because they’re annoyed too.’
11:06am: on manhattan ave not as late as I thought I would be, burping hummus taste, have been accepting lateness/doing the best I can and not feeling needless anxiety about things I no longer have control over (like what time I left), calmly accepting fate as ‘will be disappointing and/or inconveniencing people I like with my lateness.’ ate 20mg adderall noopept 16.8oz sf red bull.
11:12am: I spoke too soon now I am ashamed to show my late face.
12:48pm: Zachery met me at studio door, said there have been technology/phone/internet problems all morning. Gave him adderall he seemed to have forgotten I owed him for mushrooms. He offered Ritalin I regretted refusing, thought ‘why would you turn it down, it’s like when mom asks if you want coffee you automatically say ‘no’ even if you want it stupid.’ Two actors showed up at the same time but one was late. I read line prompts for the not-late guy auditioning to be bodhi. Nauseated from earl gray kratom tea. Sometimes I vomit from black tea if I haven’t eaten that day, hope I don’t now, the toilet I’ve used doesn’t work, Zachery and Jaime are on their computers, shit no good this is distracting me
12:55pm: aly from the internet is here
12:56–2:45pm: ran lines, grocery, teeth thing, ‘no. 7 sub shop,’ person in line, no coffee $, cue card napkin, aly viral ‘is thatvtaggig,’ found and took silver-wrapped bottle of chartreuse in the park, wendingo, feels weird today/surreal, thought it was just me, swag a fish, I can’t hang out
3:18pm: left people in park, walking back to car. Need gas. Worried card no longer works.
3:41pm: filled gas at Hess. Amahd. Amahd’s $20. Had thought ‘maybe I’m wrong and card will work, I can fill up after the audition thingy.’ card didn’t work at a sandwich place, then at two ATMs. Looked for spare change on the ground but didn’t see any. Looked for spare change on the floor of my car. Found 20 cents. I was composing email to zachery asking for gas money and considering calling zachAry and leaning on a fixture outside a building acr
oss from where my car was parked. Two men approached and leaned on the fixture. They had weed. One of the men said ‘hey sweetie’ to me and smiled. They smoked. The smiling man left. I said ‘is this your house, do you live here?’ the other man said ‘no i wish it was my house.’ I said ‘is it okay for me to be leaning?’ he said it was. The smiling man came back and asked me how I was. I said I was okay, then actually not really okay, I was out of gas money and lived in rockaway park. He ran away, in the direction a nearby cafe. Thought ‘fuck’ and ‘that’s funny, he’s high and scared to talk. Or hungry.’ felt uncomfortable standing by the other man, like he knew I would want to beg him for money, so I just continued looking at my phone. The smiling man came back holding a $20 bill. He hugged me extremely hard and kissed my cheek and said ‘honey you get your ass home.’ I said ‘oh my god I could cry,’ starting to cry. Laughing and crying, like on reality TV shows. He said ‘don’t cry.’ I hugged him back extremely hard and said ‘you are my savior.’
Surprised it didn’t feel weird to be doing any of this and that ‘you are my savior’ was the most natural thing for me to say. I felt it though. He was. His name is Amahd. He said he had helped clean up rockaway park, from the hurricane. I said I had just moved there. He works at the coffee shop/restaurant he had ran into to get the $20 and said I could come in any time. I hugged him again and he kissed my cheek and I kissed his cheek. So big and smily. Amahd.
3:58pm: stomach achy and hollow. Drank water. Zachery and Masha texted, can’t respond yet, still reeling from Amahd’s kindness. Mentally replaying him. Have been holding e-cigarette in fist, listening to ‘pictures of success’ on repeat. Crying a little. Unexpectedly moved the same way I never thought I’d have strong feelings about having a baby in me or aborting it, I thought I’d be practical and detached. Seems like I would feel obligated to feel gratitude, in a ‘stranger helping me’ scenario. Felt so lost looking for change, trying the ATMs, drafting the email to Zachery while planning for him to not have cash so then I’d call ex-bf Zachary, dreading asking for money, dreading it at first when Amahd and his friend leaned next to me on the cement thing.