LIVEBLOG

by Megan Boyle

  11:15PM: drinking monster drink. don’t like typing ‘monster’ ever. ever. EVER. now, especially. shirley on the bed. both windows open. they don’t let you do laundry in my building after 10PM. it’s okay. it’s okay. when i started typing this i felt insane…abberant…very not-normal lifestyle, very alone, very ‘what am i pretending i know how to do, will it help to call mom?’ lit candles. have been texting with matthew a little and feeling better. back muscles tense. whole back of body. stomach muscles also, like i’ve been exercising. can tell elbows/arms are tensed when i type. headache. chest tightness stuff. okay. chewing trident gum. it is a spearment flavored. i’m leaving it typed like that, that’s what it sounded like in my head. NO BUTTS ABOUT IT. no butts. resuming transcribing at 12:05AM. maybe if i liveblog long enough i’ll eventually become consistent about saying AM/PM’ all of the time or none of the time and figure out what i want ‘number consistency: below 10 = spelled? not? when not?’ and things like that. so. stay tuned for that. that’s right, ‘stay.’ instructing you to ‘stay’ something, which means…assuming you are already something…‘tuned,’ in this case…instructing you to continue doing what you’re doing, if what you’re doing is what i think you’re doing. okay. just so we’re clear.

  JUNE 4, 2013

  12:26AM: have been continuing to luxuriate/lay/allow muscles to stretch in preparation for ‘marathon transcribing to finish line.’ peed. finished monster drink. perhaps will reward myself with headache medicine. backlog of 41 questions on ask.fm to answer. also emails. texts. overwhelming debts. i’m the one who decides the feeling is ‘overwhelming’ but knowing that doesn’t change anything or comfort me. talked with mom about this last night, she said something about…she was nervous to go to dad’s office and was physically shaking thinking about it. i said i felt that sometimes from just…laying…passively laying and thinking about how many people are on the internet and not on the internet, like, ‘waiting.’ i said clichéd things about how the internet makes agoraphobia happen too. mom didn’t act interested…or…felt surprised at her not immediately agreeing and not wanting to talk more about ‘today’s fast-paced culture and new parameters for social anxiety’ or things like that. felt comforting, her not wanting to do that.

  JUNE 5, 2013

  did not update

  JUNE 6, 2013

  did not update

  JUNE 7, 2013

  11:12am: almost wrote 2011 just now. Sitting in petsmart parking lot. Liveblog has made me aware of how long it takes me to leave a parked or driving car. Will need to park far away today for the weekend, due to summer parking restrictions. Getting used to things like this.

  11:43am: still in petsmart parking lot. Have been re-reading parts involving me/‘Erin’ in ‘Taipei.’ Imagined Tao writing the ‘universe hugging itself’ part, alone. Years later a journalist person who ‘would be best for him, would actually be the person with whom a relationship could be sustained’ would be reading the ‘universe hugging itself’ part. This would be far enough in the future so that he would be able to really do the thing where ‘the dot of himself’ shrinks past zero and ends up in a suburban neighborhood or city too big to know how big it is and starts living again, but by then he wouldn’t want a relationship anymore. Not being clear. Shit. How do I say this. I pictured this person in the future reading the book and Tao would be ‘technically dead by 2080’ or something, but the component of him that lives forever past the singularity would be alive in a different way—not the way the person who he could be in a relationship with would. She would be alive during her version of ‘tao 1983-2080’ life. Tao would be alive during “source code’-like afterlife where…he might be in another dimension or something, concurrently existing with the relationship person but as a new kind of life form where he shrinks and ends up places, so it would be impossible to know the person reading the same way he would’ve in his ‘1983-2080 life,’ but he wouldn’t want that then anyway, maybe. It would be some kind of irony. Relatable to ‘sirens of titan’ somehow, the thing I’m trying to say. Hard to convey this. I don’t know enough about the singularity to…like, would people still exist? At all? Would all people just be like ‘tao post-1983-2080,’ like there wouldn’t even be a person reading experiencing life as ‘someone born who is going to die,’ we’d all just be integrated with computers? Jesus. Sounding stupid. Can’t do it. Abandoning ship.

  12:01pm: went inside petsmart. Tao wrote ‘live blog’ in my copy of ‘taipei,’ I didn’t see until now. I’m in the car now. Didn’t see many ‘grilled’ or ‘sliced’ options. Alvie and Shirley like those best. Walked to an area between aisles maybe three times. Every time I’d leave an aisle I’d see a cat looking at me. It was the only cat there. It was sitting in a metal cage inside an enclosed plastic-looking space behind which was some kind of endless-looking maze of metal things leading to a back room maybe. There were 6-8 empty cages in the ‘cage complex,’ which was under a large photo-printed decal (said something like ‘PetSmart Adoption Charities,’ ‘Brooklyn [animal something, ‘hospital’ or ‘rescue’], and a series of numbers strangely out of order [‘4, 5, 1, 2, 8…’] just remembered something about how in lucid dreaming you’re supposed to pay attention to if numbers make sense) that was big enough to give a pre-ceiling area the appearance of a billboard. The cat looked so small and so frozen in place every time. He was looking at me every time I’d walk out. Also not moving. Stomach and chest felt tight. Unsure if it would be nicer for me to look at him or walk over to him or leave him alone. Thought ‘if you were my cat I wouldn’t even be able to figure out what kind of food you like.’

  12:11pm: leaving parking lot. Three pieces trident spearmint gum in mouth. Pictured myself driving around to find a dunkin donuts (not really that though, just like, vague image of ‘the store containing all the carbs I could ever want’) where I would buy no less than four but no more than ten menu items and take them out to my car, where loud rebellious teen anthem music would be playing, to ‘party.’ the windows of my car would be down…there were these kids who would hang out in grocery store parking lots when I was in high school. What I’d be doing with the dunkin donuts would be ‘partying’ harder than those kids could ever party. Like. More alone, drifting, hopeless than them. Significantly more. One time Zachary and I had a six-pack of high life and we were in some kind of strip mall parking lot and I drove slow past a group of high school kids ‘partying’/milling around and he handed one of them a high life out the passenger-side window. They didn’t seem appreciative. I think this was Zachary and me. I forget. Remember laughing with whoever it was and saying things about ‘how did they not want the beer.’

  12:20pm: I’m in a dunkin donuts parking lot. Going to look at the menu online so I can know what I want before face-to-face confrontation with cashier person. Lovingly preparing myself for the transaction that’s about to happen. Taking everything into account to ensure there will be no surprises, no unnecessary talking, the smoothest and quickest transaction possible.

  12:42pm. Ordered bacon egg and cheese on multigrain bagel, coffee with cream and sugar. It was free donut day. Cashier said ‘you pick a free donut’ with his arm near the strawberry-frosted ones. I said ‘oh wow, great, that’s great, wow…um…’ and felt pressured to pick a flavor. I said ‘strawberry frosted.’ he put it in the bag. He said ‘you come in here before, you live…?’ i said ‘no this is my first time here. I live. In. Rockaway park, I think.’ he said ‘but this your first time in store, you never come in here?’ i said ‘I don’t think so, I think this is my first time.’ he looked familiar to me too. He said ‘she fix your sandwich over there.’ Walked to trash can. Saw man who had let me go in front of him so he could figure out what flavors of coffee the people ordering wanted. Man said ‘now I know’ to the cashier. Felt negative things about the man, waiting for my sandwich, like, ‘how do you think you have so many choices…how do you not figure out what you want before you order…how do your friends make you pick up coffee for them witho
ut knowing what they want.’ Looked at ‘cherries jubilee’ ice cream vat with one scoop removed. This is also a Baskin Robbins. There is some kind of ‘special two-scoop day’ promotion. Sad about donut day and two-scoop promotion. Seems like it’s before my period, to be feeling things like this to the degree I am. Ate bagel in my car. Put ketchup on it. Thought about calling mom but I don’t know what I’d say.

  1:07pm: leaving parking lot. Turned head and experienced sudden barely graspable memory of dream, like turning my head released ‘dream memory chemicals’ maybe. Waited for man bouncing balloon on street to pass. In traffic now.

  1:34pm: pulled into parking spot on my street. Thought ‘what is today, it’s winter’ expected to see ‘Jan 7’ on iPhone when I checked date. Thought ‘how do you say the thing about [omitted], without directly involving [omitted], but still involving [omitted]…but you don’t want [omitted]…there is no way to write about it unless you do ‘thought:’ and don’t say all you thought, like use vague language and say you’re omitting things.’

  1:35–11:[something]PM: put away cat food and fed cats. peed and felt UTI pain and sat on toilet to drink water and ‘wait it out.’ read more of ‘taipei.’ can only read small parts at a time without having memories and thinking stuff like ‘what it’s like now…what it seems to be like for tao and what it’s like for me…no i’m being dramatic, this isn’t that bad, i’m okay, good things are happening to him i think.’ looked at pictures of courtney love and thought about her life to the extent that i could envision this period of time as a memory in the future.

  courtney love should start doing something really unexpected, like getting really into live civil war re-enactments.

  remember going to the bathroom a lot, bringing my bag with me every time, thinking ‘drugs are in the bag, they are close, i can always just do one of the drugs,’ then placing bag next to bed when i’d return from bathroom. didn’t do drugs. sat in room. read internet and more of ‘taipei.’ mom called at one point. i said ‘i don’t feel talkative right now.’ ordered pizza around 9PM. drank a lot of water. gave pizza delivery man $12 tip. he looked like ‘lost present-day richard brautigan, unemployed, maybe just stumbled upon a pizza.’ didn’t want the pizza once i had it.

  JUNE 8, 2013

  9:30AM: woke. peed and refilled water glass. it was sunny and reminded me of a day in winter 2009. ate remaining pizza slice. looked at internet.

  12:47PM: woke. drank leftover dunkin donuts coffee and ate maybe 5mg adderall. pooped. moved bed to look for missing e-cigarette in crack between bed and wall, where phone fell. didn’t see. swept floor. read texts from last night. found e-cigarette. have been avoiding updating due to spending large portion of my time doing a thing i want to omit from liveblog, which i want to write about, but if people know about it there could be negative consequences for me or another person. have thought a lot about this. imagined consequences. the thing i’m omitting is making me happier. deliberately avoiding talking about why i want to omit this. new thing for liveblog, to exclude something to the degree i plan on excluding it. that’s good, i think, in that it’s new.

  1:26PM: ate half a concerta, unsure mg. going to update this with ‘everything i remember from may 31-june 2 from the perspective of [no longer ‘sunday june 3 afternoon’] saturday june 8 afternoon (option that won the most votes on poll).’ then i’m going to update ‘everything i remember from june 4 (not written about)-now.’

  goddamnit. wish ‘disjointed iphone update’ had gotten the most votes on ‘how should i update this’ poll. complaining stupidly. this is what i wanted, i wanted to do what people voted on so i wouldn’t have to decide, and now i want to stick to what i’d decided, i shouldn’t complain.

  4:04PM: have been answering ask.fm questions. here goes:

  EVERYTHING I REMEMBER FROM WHEN I STOPPED UPDATING MAY 30, 2013 – JUNE 2, 2013, FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF SATURDAY AFTERNOON JUNE 8, 2013:

  put on pink and white striped dress and dried hair. ate 3mg xanax on the way to marie calloway reading at st. mark’s books. texted with mira, who would also be late. listened to less than jake in car. wrote mean response to a mean ask.fm question. parked on 6th ave and cooper square. kept walking the wrong way on the street to the reading. think i walked up and down 3rd ave maybe six times. tweeted things i was seeing. air felt hot/heavy and nice. withdrew $40 from 7-11 ATM to buy marie’s book and drinks at the after-reading party. heard a woman on the street saying ‘weed lolipops’ or something, like she was selling them. saw a person giving her money. the woman was standing in front of a van that said ‘high life’ or ‘high times.’ walked to van. small couple ahead of me ‘in line’ were buying two lollipops. bought the last two for $10. the woman said ‘i thought you all were together.’ looked at the couple and didn’t say anything. the man who bought the weed lollipops before the couple stopped them to talk, a little ahead of me.

  st. mark’s looked empty. asked employee if they had marie’s book and he used a ladder to get it from a shelf. paid. mira texted that everyone at the reading was now at a bar closeby and gian was paying for everyone’s drinks. walked to bar. seemed fancy, a fancy-people bar. gave bouncer my ID. walked upstairs to a bar-area where maybe 20 people i recognized from the internet or other events were standing. talked to stephanie georgopulos about her new job at gawker. remember asking about how the office was set up, like if there were cubicles or if it was open space. felt a little stupid. was also distracted by wanting a drink and seeing mira and sam cooke and ralph waving to me, aware of my waving back as maybe interruptive. saw brandon scott gorrell in a white t-shirt approach ‘behind stephanie and me area.’ thought ‘it’s okay to not say hi to brandon right now, he understands.’ stood and talked with mira and sam. then ralph came back, i met ralph, i follow him on twitter and have heard stories about him from mira and sam. a container of limes/lemons/olives/onions/cherries was near where i stood. think i said ‘i want to eat them’ or ‘i want to drink.’ people were saying things about how ralph ate the drink condiments…he either ate them the other night at a bar, tonight, or he eats them at home. ordered a vodka club soda. mira and sam disappeared for a minute. seemed clear to me that people were drunk/had been drinking and had high energy and i needed to ‘catch up,’ but i was also worried about my car. seems like i completely forgot being on 3mg xanax, or the xanax had worn off. stephen dierks and spencer were nearby. saw ‘tall head of willis, bobbling up and down.’

  at some point mira, sam, stephen, spencer, willis and i stood in a circle. i said we should make it into a game where one person turns to face outside the circle, so one person is excluded from the conversation at all times, but no one tells them what they missed when they turn around. when they turned around another person had to immediately take their place as ‘excluded person’ and face outside the circle. this was fun. this deteriorated. spencer and willis each said things to me about coming to the beach the next day. i think willis said ‘rockaway taco.’ i said they should come. saw marie and rachel white walking out of ‘VIP area.’ saw tao talking to maybe two short girls near entrance of ‘VIP area.’ at some point mira and sam and stephen and me decided to walk inside ‘VIP area.’ it was loud. i think i hugged gian before this.

  the ‘VIP area’ was mostly empty. remember it as ‘red.’ remember sitting in a group of maybe six people near the back, on a booth facing the room, behind a table, seeing the bar area where we were formerly standing. remember talking about the weed lollipops. mira said she thought tao had bought weed lollipops from the person on the street also. tao and a man in a suit approached table. the man in the suit seemed gregariously preoccupied with other things in the room. something about him reminded me of tom cruise. think i greeted tao by standing and hitting him or something, think we each hit each other playfully. tao said he was leaving because he wanted to do work. i said ‘i bought weed lollipops’ and took them out, i think, expecting to hear about how he bought them too. he said ‘i bought weed from a person on the internet.’
asked what was in his pill box and he said ‘just…adderall.’ the man in the suit seemed to pay more attention. tao introduced him but i didn’t hear. the suit man asked if he could have a weed lollipop and i said ‘if you have five dollars,’ then felt like this wasn’t appropriate, due to tao’s face before he left. i said ‘you can just have one, don’t pay me’ and gave him one.

  other things in VIP room: stood away from group/table for a while. forget what incited this. i asked marie to sign my book and complimented her dress. rachel had an e-cigarette. i was smoking my e-cigarette inside. rachel said she did that so i thought it was okay. talked with suit man who i discerned was tao’s editor. they had just come from another party. he asked me things about being a character in ‘taipei.’ felt unable to answer his questions. teeming with enthusiasm and gregarious preoccupation with other things. marie said ‘can you hold this for rachel’ and handed me rachel’s e-cigarette. mira and sam and spencer and ralph passed and said they were going to ‘java dog’ and i said i’d meet them there soon. heard ‘japanese hot dog’ several times. gave rachel her cigarette and i think talked to her a little.

  recognized my editor from vice. have not met in-person. we had ‘the talk.’ he asked why i had stopped sending things. i said i’ve been depressed and out of ideas and have been doing the liveblog but i want to start the column again. i said ‘am i the flakiest contributor?’ he said there were definitely worse but i was ‘up there.’ we did a shot of jameson in the main bar room. he said he had been there for a while but left for a little bit. something else was said. shit. something funny. i forget. felt good/fortuitous to see him. i said i wanted to go meet the hotdog people and he went to talk to gian.