by Megan Boyle
4:00AM: drinking vodka club soda i didn’t finish from the other night. petting alvie. shirley sleeping next to me on the other side.
4:12AM: did i mention that i have been given two lamps
two lamps have been gifted to me since march 17, 2013
let that be a lesson to you all
merry christmas to all and to all a good night
god bless us everyone
jack nicholson has never played santa claus but can you imagine?~!?!?! i mean…
received mental picture of jack nicholson in a sleigh superimposed on an ad for some kind of creamy ‘morning food’ as i typed ellipsis
people don’t talk about how jim carey and jack nicholson are both…like that
do other people think they’re like that
sweet i’m entertaining myself again
probably my favorite thing about the liveblog is that i think ‘wiggitywiggitywhaaaa!’ sometimes now
want to start thinking ‘sccccrrreEEEEEEEEECCCHHH-ER-R-R-R-R-R-R-R!!!!’
is it clear what sound that is
do you understand
i’m not going to say what it is
now it’s 4:30AM
entertaining myself in a lone MSword document, audience of me
cowboy…MSword cowboy…desert…desert imagery
i haven’t said this: there was a letter from the apartment management building under my door when i walked in today. IT WAS A BED BUG WARNING. THERE ARE BED BUGS ON THE FOURTH FLOOR.
NOT SEEING ANYTHING ABNORMAL BUT…
THAT EVER-ELUSIVE WONDEROUS PRESENCE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SOMETHING BAD HAPPENING BEHIND THE SCENES!
SOMETHING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT:
I FEEL BETTER EVERY TIME I WATCH THIS TWO-PART YOUTUBE VIDEO OF DAVID LYNCH PREPARING QUINOA AND BROCCOLI AND WAITING FOR IT TO COOK AND TELLING THIS WACK STORY ABOUT SUGAR WATER AND COINS AND COCA COLA AND A TRAIN
ALSO NO MATTER WHAT, HOWEVER STINKY I AM, IT SMELLS GOOD
ALSO I HAVE NEVER SAID ‘
DAMN STILL TOO CHICKEN TO TYPE IT
ALSO I’VE LIED FOUR TIMES SINCE UPDATING THIS
NO I LIED, I’VE ONLY LIED TWICE
MORE LIKE ‘WILLFULLY WITHHOLDING THE TRUTH FROM YOU’ THAN ‘CREATING A FALSITY’
WAIT GUESS I’VE WILLFULLY WITHHELD A LOT OF THINGS
GODDAMNED [OMITTING]
LAUGHED A LITTLE
THE SOLUTION TO ANYTHING, HERE COMES:
PICTURED A MOSTLY EMPTY MOVIE THEATER SHOWING A 3-D MOVIE
JESUS
THAT’S THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT
SOMETHING HURTS ON MY TOE, SHOULD I LOOK
HUH
SHOULD I
I LIKE WHEN I’M ALL CAPS
THE FIRST DAY I EVER HUNG OUT WITH A FRIEND OF MINE WHO I MISS DEARLY AND LIVES FAR AWAY FROM ME…
(YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE)
THE FIRST DAY WE HUNG OUT: YOU TOLD ME ABOUT HAVING LICE
THAT IS WHAT IS MAKING ME FEEL OKAY ABOUT BED BUG SITUATION
IF YOU ARE READING
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE
THIS IS OUR SECRET, THAT I’M TYPING ABOUT IT IN THIS WAY, YOU MUST ABSOLUTELY 100% KNOW YOU’RE THE PERSON I’M TYPING ABOUT IF YOU ARE READING THIS
DAMN I WANT MORE SECRETS LIKE THAT
HOW GOOD WOULD IT FEEL TO READ SOMEONE GIVING ME A SECRET SHOUTOUT LIKE THAT
VAST NETWORK OF SECRET SHOUTOUTS LIKE THAT
LIKE
ALL OF US YELLING SECRETS…ANONYMOUSLY…SO
BUT
GET IT?
HOW IT FEELS BETTER OR MORE SPECIAL OR SOMETHING?
IT’S LIKE A TREASURE HUNT
I’M DOING THAT FOR YOU, ANONYMOUS FRIEND
PERHAPS [OMITTED] ACTUALLY LIKES READING THIS STUFF, I DON’T KNOW, I DON’T THINK SO
EITHER WAY I’M STILL…HAHA…PICTURED FIVEISH BLEAK ‘LIFE SENTENCE’-LIKE SCENARIOS IN RAPID SUCCESSION (DYING AS OLD LADY IN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE, DYING AS OLD MAN [???] IN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE, A LONG HIGHWAY IN THE DESERT, ME FIVE-TO-TWENTY YEARS OLDER SERVING FOOD AT A KITCHEN TABLE IN THE SAME AD FOR ‘CREAMY MORNING FOOD PRODUCT’ FROM EARLIER)
MOM TOLD ME ONE TIME MY WRITING HAS A ‘CRINGE EFFECT’
SHE SAID ‘IT’S LIKE A CAR ACCIDENT’
MOM…
I’M LAUGHING…
I’M APING THE STYLE OF SHUTUPMOM.DIARYLAND.COM RIGHT NOW
JUST BECAUSE I’M WRITING IN ALL CAPS AND LISTENING TO MODEST MOUSE AND BEING
UNRESTRAINED
BOLD
BOLD BABY BOYLE COMING AT YOU
4:53AM
STILL HERE
OH SHIT I JUST SAW THE…
OUTSIDE IT IS TURNING BLUE
THE SKY, I MEAN
‘TOO SOON’
OH SHIT IT’S THE SUMMER EQUINOX, LONGEST DAY OF THE YEAR
JUNE 21…ISN’T THAT ALWAYS THE LONGEST DAY…
ALWAYS GOING TO REMEMBER JUNE 21, 2004
SHIT NINE YEARS AGO
SHIT
OH MY GOD
OH MY GODDDDDDDDD
WELL I’LL SPARE YOU THE DETAILS BUT LET’S JUST SAY ‘ME AND MY TWO BEST FRIENDS AT THE TIME FELL ASLEEP IN MY BACKYARD ON A DOWN COMFORTER AND WE WOKE UP AND IT WAS NIGHT OUTSIDE AND MY OTHER FRIEND TEXTED ‘ARE YOU GOING TO SEE !!! TONIGHT AT 9:30 CLUB [OR OTTOBAR]’ AND I FORGET WHAT I SAID BUT WE WENT INSIDE AND WATCHED ‘MANHATTAN’ AND THE ONE BEST FRIEND WHO I’D BEEN FLIRTING WITH AND HAD A BIG CRUSH ON AND I MADE OUT FOR THE FIRST TIME ON THE COUCH WHILE THE OTHER FRIEND WAS SLEEPING [MAYBE NOT THOUGH, BLESS HER HEART, I THINK SHE WAS PROBABLY AWAKE FOR THIS AND AT LEAST ONE OTHER SIMILAR EVENT, WISH I COULD GIVE SOMEONE THE EXPERIENCE OF…HONESTLY IT’S…I WANT TO GIVE SOMEONE THIS KIND OF TRUST? IS THAT WHAT I MEAN? TRUST? SILENTLY ENDURING THE MAKEOUT OF YOUR FRIEND BECAUSE…YOU WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY…YOU PUT YOUR COMFORT ASIDE…I WANT TO DO THAT…LESSER FRIENDS WOULD BE LIKE ‘OH MY GOD I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THIS IN FRONT OF ME’…MAYBE NOT. WAIT. THAT’S HOW MOST PEOPLE WOULD REACT I THINK. WAIT. WOULD THEY ENDURE…IS IT EASIER TO ENDURE OR CONFRONT…HUH? HUH? ANYWAY I WANT TO DO WHATEVER’S HARDER, WHATEVER OPTION IS HARDER, I WANT TO DO THE HARDEST THING FOR SOMEONE, LIKE WHAT THEY’D VIEW IS THE HARDEST…JUST…TO LET THEM KNOW…I’D ENDURE/CONFRONT BASED ON WHATEVER THE PERSON THOUGHT WAS HARDEST TO DO, FRIENDS OR ROMANTIC PEOPLE OR WHOEVER: I’M AVAILABLE TO DO THAT. FORGET WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. HONESTLY FORGET. THE IDEA WAS TO SAY ‘I’LL SPARE YOU THE DETAILS’ THEN WRITE A REALLY DETAILED THING, I THINK I’VE ACHIEVED THAT, YOU GET IT, PUNCHLINE, OKAY DONE]’
THE PUNCHLINE IS ALWAYS FUNNIEST TO THE PERSON TELLING THE JOKE
IS THAT A PROVERB
A ‘CHESTNUT,’ AS THEY SAY?
A FEW DAYS AGO I LEARNED MY WALGREENS SAVINGS CARD IS ALSO VALID AT DUANE READE
ZACHARY USED TO SAY ‘YOU OLD CHESTNUT’ SOMETIMES
OUT OF NOWHERE…LIKE THAT…
HE’D SAY THINGS OUT OF NOWHERE
FUNNY INTELLIGENT PERSON
I WISH HIM THE BEST IN THE WORLD
I WISH EVERYONE WOULD JUST WISH EVERYONE THE BEST
NOT EVERYONE GETS ALONG EASILY, IT’S OKAY
WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO BUT THINK IT’S OKAY
WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO
YOU CAN GET SAD ABOUT IT
WAIT IT’S NOT LIKE THIS FOR SOME PEOPLE, SOME PEOPLE ARE REALLY AGREEABLE
WAIT I TAKE THAT BACK
WHAT IS THE THING THAT’S LIKE ‘NO TAKE-BACKS,’ IT’S FROM CHILDHOOD
TAG BACKS
‘TAG, NO TAG-BACKS’
IS IT CLEAR THAT I’M WITHHOLDING RAGE AND FEAR ALL THE TIME
DO PEOPLE READ THIS AND THINK ‘LOOK AT THIS FESTERING MOSH PIT PARTY OF ONE’
‘WHEN IS SHE GOING TO JUST…’
YOU KNOW
DO YOU THINK THAT
I’M NOT REALLY LIKE THAT
VERY QUICK THOUGH, TO…JUMP TO…
CAN HEAR A TRUCK OUTSIDE
IS MY CAR GETTING TOWED
I HEAR AIR BRAKES AND AN EN
GINE IDLING
SHIT
GOING TO MOVE CAR AGAIN NOW
BY HOOK OR BY CROOK
SHIT
BRB
6:42am: can see my car from here I think. Still going to move it. No Saturday-Sunday parking. Passed car with ‘WWII: I SERVED’ sticker and my face got hot and chokey neck. Walking parallel to truck making air brakes noises. Remember recently talking with someone about how the last scene of ‘glory’ makes me cry and they said ‘me too, it’s a real tearjerker’ and I got excited and carried away with describing Matthew Broderick on the beach knowing he’s about to fail and it’s all been for nothing and the person was like ‘wasn’t the last scene a battle’ and I said ‘yeah, I guess this part this is right before it. The moment before the battle. On the beach. Matthew Broderick’ and they said ‘Oh. Yeah…’ and I thought ‘it’s okay, I’ve been there, I’ve been where you are, you don’t have to pretend to remember, how do I convey that non-verbally, I can’t’
6:56am: SITTING IN OBVIOUSLY UNTOWED CAR NO TICKET HELL YEAH GETTING A LITTLE BETTER AT THIS
7:08am: moved it. Thought ‘it’s shitty of people to do shitty things to me. I’m shitty but at least I don’t try to pretend I’m’ and jumped via averting collision with fast-moving intense-eye-contact-making older man in a tucked-in t-shirt popping out of seemingly nowhere
Just exchanged mutually docile ‘good mornings’ with slow-moving man of around the same age. He initiated the greetings
Saw an even older man walking towards me and thought ‘I’ll be the first one to say good morning this time’ and I was and he either didn’t hear or ignored me
This would be an interesting study about race
What races do you think the men were
(The second man was black, everyone else was white)
As I was typing sentence before last a man of perhaps latin American decent and I stopped to greet each other at almost the same time
No early morning street encounters with Asians or Pacific Islanders or [other]
7:31AM: smells like wet dog in here. earlier i was angry at a barking dog. irritated now. no sleep. irritated because of no sleep mostly, i think. that’s why i’m allowing myself to do this. i’m washing over space.
9:35AM: i like how soft kyle maclaughlin’s voice sounds.
12:56PM: have been watching david lynch documentary things and ‘twin peaks’ and halfheartedly trying to sleep. tuned guitar. made a tuna mixture. cats seemed interested can-noise but not the taste of the fish. negative on fish taste. practiced saying something for an hour or so and decided ‘don’t say anything, or if asked, say you don’t want to talk about it but you don’t feel bad.’ fantasizing about moving to montana with david lynch and having lots of kids.
1:[something]PM: ate 1mg xanax. drank maybe four vodka units over course of evening/morning/afternoon.
2:[something]PM: woke hungry. ate bite of frozen banana.
4:46PM: woke. texts from rachel and mira from last night. feeling shitty. hard to move but don’t want to go back to sleep and don’t think i could.
5:15PM: mom called. i could hear her but she couldn’t hear me. called her on google talk.
5:39PM: got off phone. worried about how much i’ve said about [omitted], like i expressed too much excitement or…i don’t know. messed something up. mom said to call back in ten minutes.
5:55PM: i don’t think i’d be good for anyone right now. i mean, ‘tuna mixture.’
6:00PM: sitting in bed. really just sitting. sitting. that’s all. picking at skin. being mad at the beach and sunny nice day for being there just a few feet away from me and i don’t want it. think i have a chemical probem. brain…chemical issue.
6:07PM: going to get my ass to petsmart. what should i eat. walt disney ate dog food when he was having a hard time in his 20’s, i read earlier. hard to find more information on this. (to clarify: i will be buying wet food for alvie and shirley, not for myself). should i get fucking. chinese food. adult child. big baby boyle.
here’s something nice: when i was learning how to talk…i’d have a bottle before bed every night i think, until i was maybe three years old or something. in the morning mom would be at the bottom of the stairs and say ‘BOMBS AWAAAAAAY!!!’ and that would mean i was supposed to throw the empty bottle down to her and i’d say ‘BOMBS AWAAAAAAAY!!!!!’
7:04PM: ate last 10mg hydrocodone to ‘be rid of it.’ called mom back and left message.
7:06PM: mom called. emotional to listen to her talk, knowing we both knew i could hear her and she couldn’t hear me. she said ‘i keep thinking ‘megan on the beach’ and i love you, and anyway, call me back if you want honey, i’ll hang up now.’
7:11PM: downloaded ‘the elephant man’ and ‘the straight story.’ might watch those tonight. david lynch mosh pit party of one.
8:26pm: walking to belle harbor steakhouse. Ordered spinach salad and cheeseburger deluxe. Passed a parked car playing ‘the safety dance’ by men without hats. The guy who took my order said ‘and who’ll be picking it up?’ I said ‘Megan.’ he said ‘Megan fox?’ I said ‘no, Megan Boyle, just regular.’ he said ‘well that’s still good. Twenty minutes Megan.’ I used google talk. Godamned phone.
8:33pm: I riffed my ass off with the phone man. Megan fox man. Conversational Olympics gold medal. Lost points at the end when he said ‘you know what? I think Megan Boyle is hotter than Megan Fox.’ I said ‘well. You’re a minority.’ he looked like he might be not have been born not in the U.S. but I meant it like ‘not many people would agree with your opinion.’
8:39pm: walking back to apartment. Stopped at pickles & pies to get ice cream because what the fucking fuck it. The conspiracy theory ‘even the president, even kings, so much money they’re all mafia’ cashier rang me up. I love him. I said ‘is it busy tonight?’ he shrugged like ‘eh, yeah, but doesn’t matter, I’m just here for some time.’ I said ‘Saturday night’ and snickered and he did too. I said ‘the moon is really big tonight, really pretty, you should go out and see.’ he said ‘end of the month. Biggest moon.’
9:[something]–11:[something]PM: watched most of ‘the elephant man.’
11:20PM: [omitted] texted a picture of the paper towel fishes i left on bed. paused movie. the elephant man had just said ‘i am not an animal, i am a human being.’
JUNE 23, 2013
12:30AM: continued texting. funny things. made plans for [omitted] to come to my apartment tomorrow/technically today. resumed movie. i liked the movie. felt bored sometimes. i feel like the elephant man.
12:3[something]–4:[something]AM: read masha’s latest update about going to tao’s reading recently. happy masha’s updating again. read about joseph merrick (elephant man). watched three episodes of ‘discovery channel: my shocking story.’ one was about a woman who woke from a 20-year coma and started talking again. one was about a woman who was pregnant for 46 years. one was about ‘the family who walks on all fours.’ felt affected by the pregnant for 46 years woman. she was nine months pregnant and had labor pains and went to the hospital and they said she’d need a c-section to save her life and the baby’s life. then she heard another girl getting a c-section and screaming and she got scared and ran home. she said ‘i thought if i’m going to die, i want to be at home.’ she was in bed for three days or something, i think, then she said ‘and then i felt him go to sleep. i thought ‘if he wants to sleep, i’ll let him sleep.” she adopted three children and they grew up and had kids and she had the sleeping baby in her the whole time. she was in her 70’s when they removed the baby. felt preoccupied with ‘was the baby alive when they removed it, could it have been alive,’ until maybe the middle of the show. they take a long time to get to the point on ‘my shocking story.’ they said ‘calcified mass’ about the baby. ‘calcified.’ it had grown outside of her uterus, somehow. when she felt the labor pains she was actually feeling the baby running out of oxygen, the doctors said.
looked at ASMR videos. i can look at it for hours, trying t
o find ‘the perfect thing.’
12:04–1:00PM: woke a few times. dreamed something about marie calloway and rachel white.
1:01–4:15PM: tried to sleep. watched ASMR videos. ate bites of ice cream. want to watch full documentary of jay-z youtube commercial. jay-z sounds like he’s talking backwards sometimes, like the dwarf from ‘twin peaks.’ he does this reverse-exhale thing.
5:51PM: drank a monster ‘absolute zero.’ feel a little better. i didn’t eat xanax or ambien last night to fall asleep, ‘proud’ of that. read ‘a fan’s notes.’ [omitted] texted. i want to do laundry before he comes…shit. shower and laundry. can it be done in mere hours. shit.
6:37PM: [omitted] texted he was going to get naked and rub olive oil on himself and stand in front of his air conditioner. i said that was a good ‘tenderizing’ method. made plans to get tenderized by him at his place tonight so i can impress people at a BBQ tomorrow.
drinking sugar-free red bull. might shirk laundry in favor of exercising.
7:04PM: ate noopept, b-vitamin, 27mg concerta. listening to alcoholic faith mission. updating liveblog, then wailing on my abs for ten minutes, then showering, dressing, leaving, etc. dinner with chelsea tomorrow. i’ll go to the library after [omitted] and write until chelsea dinner at 7PM.
7:23PM: got caught in a looking-at-pictures hole. there are pictures of zachary from 2007-whenever i saw him last on this computer. tao and other people i know are in pictures. watched a video of tao and zachary walking around a casino. tao said ‘have you ever been to any other buffets, not in casinos?’ zachary said ‘i’ve never been to any other buffets.’ a few moments later tao opened a camera and pointed it at zachary and said ‘what do you hate about black people,’ grinning. matching his satirical tone, zachary said, ‘i just think they’re stupid’ and they laughed. tao said ‘oh shit, the police. let’s film the police.’
8:36pm: I said ‘Megan Boyle you are leaving this apartment at 8:20’ in the shower around 7:50pm, knowing that would ensure I’d leave by 8:30 but allot for ten-ish minutes ‘safe time.’ sweaty hairline. Hair is wavy. Walking to car. I said I’d be at [omitted]’s by 9pm.
8:41pn: jogged four blocks. Can see my car. I have looked better. Eyelashes and sand and hair have entered left eye since locking apartment door.
8:56pm: texted I’d be there at 9:15
