by Megan Boyle
9:02pm: six or something miles away I got this fuck these red ass lights
9:04pm: sweating has stabilized. I’m listening to ‘star guitar’ by aphex twin on repeat. I like the video and the making of the video for this. I do the same thing with my eyes in cars that the video illustrates.
9:09pm: gmaps says 14mins with traffic holy hell keep recalibrating route good thing I didn’t do the eastern parkway thing I almost did which now says 17mins I’m only three miles away I hate this shit
9:13pm: I’m on Atlantic ave now I think yeah
I always want that thing to be true from ‘catcher in the rye’ where he’s like ‘it doesn’t matter if a girl is late as long as she looks good’
I haven’t experienced that to be true
Modern day update of ‘catcher in the rye’ where he’s like ‘it doesn’t matter if a girl looks good, it’s always going to piss me off a little if she’s late. She’s not as hot as other girls, anyways’
I’m also always a little pissed off if the guy is late, so
9:19pm: on the road leading to apt now. A few hundred feet away. Love following the gmaps dot with my eyes as it follows car, it’s like I’m the dot, makes me feel taken care of
9:59pm: he read updates.
JUNE 24, 2013
10:13am: woke to [omitted]’s alarm. we’d be laying/touching each other in some way and I’d fall back asleep easily. Heard him shower then move around in kitchen then watched him lean over me in work clothes to give little kiss and say ‘bye.’ Laying in bed now. Dark air conditioned room. Feels nice.
10:16am: moved car. No non-metered parking spaces. Car used to be in front of apartment, now it’s 20 feet away. I have until 12:08 until I have to move car or add to meter I feel happy want to sleep a little more ate a mystery 2mg I think of Xanax.
12:04pm: added money to meter.
2:23pm: woke from Chelsea dream and wanted snacks. Kept sleeping and waking and confusing dream with her texts and not knowing where I was. Got in on grapes and some ‘omega trail mix’ thing from last night. The past two times I’ve gone to meter I’ve put on shorts and a shirt over the t-shirt I’m wearing. [omitted] has a lot of t-shirts from the 1980’s that are falling apart. They’re the best t-shirts. Think he’s the first guy I’ve slept with who’s offered me a t-shirt to sleep in, or is at least the first whose offers feel more like ‘I want to see you wearing my old shirts’ than ‘I want to politely offer pajamas.’
Added money to meter. Was going to sleep more at apartment but thought ‘get a grip Boyle’ and went to coffee shop. They were cash only. I had a card. The girl said ‘it’s too hot for you not to have it. Here, we’ve been using napkins, just write your name on a napkin.’ I did. She said ‘oh no, you don’t have to put your phone number too.’ I said ‘no, I mean for, thank you, it’s just for credibility. For my credibility.’
3:43pm: ate 60mg vyvanse. Got green juice. Repaid coffee place. There were like 20 name-napkins on the wall. People just don’t come back?
3:47pm: Parked close to library. Ate 27mg concerta. Walking to deli to buy sugar-free red bull.
4:27PM: pooped in an efficient, businesslike manner. library is crowded as hell.
5:13PM: WHAT I REMEMBER FROM LAST NIGHT 9:22PM – 2:[SOMETHING]AM:
• texted [omitted] i was outside and he texted ‘will buzz.’ door buzzed for almost entire duration i was walking up both flights of stairs. thought ‘he either read the thing i wrote in the liveblog about noticing he held the buzzer for a long time the other night or…something else.’ it buzzed a little ‘toot’ buzz when i reached his floor. he opened the door and was smiling and i thought ‘this is different from the other night when he opened the door, my face looks different, it’s reacting to his different-looking face, faces are showing…thoughts…or…’ hugged and kissed. i said ‘that was a nice long buzz, i like a nice long door buzz.’ he laughed and said ‘i thought you’d like that.’ he was smiling…we were both smiling but it felt a little hard to look at him for as long as i usually do. seemed like he was also having difficulty maintaining eye contact. wasn’t sure where to stand. he said he read what i’d written in liveblog about the door buzz…i think…around this time…something like ‘it takes some people forever to get in, they miss the buzz.’ i said ‘oh shit, oh no, you read it’ or something. then we were standing by the window and kissing, then i started spinning around in a circle in place and said ‘i’m going to just be spinning now, okay?’ then i stopped and we kissed again and i turned around and he held me from behind and said something about how high my high heels were. i said ‘oh, they’re just regular, regular style.’ then he was sitting on the couch and i like…did a somersault thing over him, laughing and saying ‘i can’t believe you read it, no, you read it, you’re not supposed to want, you read it, oh my god.’ landed by his head. he said ‘ow! ow! my hair’ and i moved my knee. kissed him upside-down. established mutual hunger. he started making steak.
• sat at table where there was a thing to read. i usually sit on couch. he said ‘want a glass of wine’ and i did and he poured it and one for himself and brought it to me at the table and we kissed a little and he started making dinner.
• he said ‘you’d like [thing on the table] i think, it’s really funny’ and i read it. was self-consciously holding e-cigarette entire time. i liked the thing i read.
• at one point i sat up from the chair and it stuck to my dress. he was standing near me and we kissed/embraced and he and said ‘i know, they’ve always done that, i don’t know why the chairs are sticky.’ felt my head being ‘behind his head’ during embrace. i said ‘it’s good. it’s the chair that sits back.’
• entire time he was making dinner: i read another part of the thing on the table, we talked a little about [would reveal his identity], long pauses, i said ‘what did you think about what i wrote,’ he said ‘i didn’t read all of it, i wanted to read it to see how the style compared to the vice thing’ (remember him looking at me in an interesting way when he said this, knowing i’d written about how i wanted him to see i had different styles of writing, and that he’d probably read my uncomfortable description), he said ‘i’m glad you picked up on the door thing and the man on the bike we never discussed, who was like ‘wake the fuck up man.’ i said ‘oh yeah, the man. yeah, your face after him was really good, you were like [face + whaa noise].’ felt self-conscious tunnel vision and heightened awareness of conversational pauses that could also be attributed to him making dinner and me not doing anything. i moved to the couch. he said something about an article about a man who ate 413 red lobster biscuits and got into a coma and i looked it up, tried to see if the man had broken the record or not. walked over to him and said ‘oh. potatoes, boiling? boiling potatoes?’ he said ‘yeah, boiling!’ stood back to back, touching his ass. returned to couch. loaded liveblog on phone, knowing it was at least four days ago, when the ‘man on the bike’ happened. i said ‘i’m like, looking up…looking at the liveblog now, to read, uh. reading. to see. right now. if i said anything embarrassing.’ he said ‘what?’ i said ‘i’m looking at what i wrote to see if i said anything like, embarrassing. how much did you read?’ he said ‘i really didn’t read that much. i just saw that muumuu house had tweeted a quote,’ he looked at me, ‘something about how you want to have the most—’ i said ‘the most information possible about myself on the internet.’ he said ‘right’ and went back to cooking. i said ‘so…what’d you think? about…uh…[snickering]…i feel like i want to read, like, sitting with you looking at it and like…interview…you.’ he said ‘what?’ i said ‘what did you think about…the parts you read?’ he said ‘well it’s definitely. i liked it a lot. i really didn’t read all that much of it, it was really just. i scanned it.’ i remembered the thing he said about considering unfollowing my unedited account due to occasional intense emotional outbursts. a little later he said ‘i was mostly, i was really fascinated by it.’ i said ‘what?’ he said ‘i thought it was…fasc
inating.’ he was crouching by the broiler. i said ‘oh. oh. good.’ he said ‘you like yours ra—’ i said ‘yes, rare, i like mine rare.’ i said ‘i’ve been worried i said too much about you, like. i went from not saying anything at all to just…saying everything except your name.’ he said ‘i don’t think you should feel worried about that.’ he said ‘i mean, it might mean something to you and me, but i only think [person] would be able to maybe guess who i was.’ i thought “mean something to you and me’…what does…it’s evident that liveblog has changed something shitshitshithisthsthitttyshit. don’t write this much anymore.’ i said ‘good. good.’ some more time passed. i said ‘i gotta say, i feel really weird, like, a little inhibited right now, knowing you’ve read it.’ he said ‘i was wondering about that. if it’d feel uncomfortable to you. i was theorizing.’ i said ‘so…what were you hypothesiz—what was your hypothesis?’ he said ‘well. i thought: she’s either totally fine, you know, with exposing all of this, wanting to show all of this part of yourself—these private thoughts you’re exposing, about a person, or maybe there was the possibility that you’d feel uncomfortable.’ i said ‘hm. i don’t think i feel…i’d only feel uncomfortable if you like, read too much into…like, if you attributed too much meaning. to what i’m saying.’ he said ‘right.’ some time passed. i said ‘i sound a lot more insecure, huh? newly insecure?’ he said something about not sounding insecure in my vice article. i said ‘no i mean, like. in person.’ he said ‘well. yeah, you’re definitely exposing a part of yourself that’s not represented, normally.’ i said ‘yeah. yeah. but i mean. it’s just, you know. thoughts.’ some more time passed. i said ‘i mean, i’m just always thinking stuff like that, thoughts like that, they’re just always [fluttery gesture around head] going on. that’s normal for me, what i wrote about.’ time passed. asked him about ‘weed moonshine’ he said he tried at a party friday and he came over to the couch and told me about it. wanted to ask more about the party. i said ‘i went to your website.’ he said ‘oh you did? what’d you think?’ i said ‘well. i mean you’re definitely exposing a part of yourself i don’t see normally, you know, it’s definitey different than what it feels like to interact with you in person’ and we laughed a little. talked a little more about the website. i said ‘i feel like i should be helping you make dinner.’
THE REST OF THE NIGHT, BASICALLY, WILL BE UNDERREPRESENTED DUE TO NEEDING TO LEAVE LIBRARY IN 20 MINUTES TO MEET CHELSEA FOR DINNER:
• dinner topics: apartment was clean, broccoli vs. cauliflour, what dinner was made of/how he made/where it came from, what would people-meat would taste like, he doesn’t like talking about gross stuff while eating, he thought he was eating too fast and apologized, i said ‘don’t apologize’ then ‘good, be sorry’ in fake-dominant voice the next time he said it, i said ‘when people eat too fast it makes me want to start talking about disgusting things,’ he thought my dress was pretty and it had hearts on it and so did the one i wore last time, i said i thought they were polka dots and ‘if you zoom out far enough it’s polka dots,’ teased him about finishing fast while i was still eating.
• sat on fire escape
• fire escape was fun. felt more at ease. he threw a cigarette down to a man. i suggested we play a game that’s kind of like ‘i spy’ but you say…like you pick a thing you can see and say a statement about it. he was better at guessing my things than i was at his. we were laughing a lot. my last ‘thing’…the last statement i said was ‘this might be a mirage. it’s full of water. it contains the color blue and the letters ‘blue.’ it was the design of his cigarette pack. it took a long time for him to guess. at the end of it one of us made a movement and the cigarettes fell onto the roof below us.
• had sex. bike fell onto bed. after sex i felt comfortable/normal again.
• i said ‘we’re still sweaty, even though the air conditioning is on.’ he said ‘i know. i should’ve chilled the room.’ i said ‘you chilled the wine,’ then sang ‘chill the wine, but not the room’ to the tune of ‘spill the wine’ by war. he didn’t know the song. i said ‘it’s an old disco song, i know you’d know it if you heard it.’ looked it up on youtube on his phone and listened to it, eating a cold/frozen chocolate bar and drinking water.
• showed him the video of the guy twerking and he showed me a video of a news story of 33 high school students who got suspended for ‘upsidedown twerking.’ he said he was going to learn how to twerk and would be able to next time i saw him. i said ‘good’ and like…kept moving my ass on the bed…i said ‘i’m obsessed with twerking now.’ i tried to twerk on the bed and he said it was pretty good. he went to the bathroom and i said ‘i want to try the upside-down headstand kind’ and when he came back i was doing it…kind of…this was good.
• agreed we wouldn’t be able to fall asleep without sleeping aids. i said i didn’t use anything last night and he said he didn’t either. he said something like ‘we have a hard time falling asleep together, we’ll be up until like…’ i said ‘like four or five a.m.’ he took benadryl and i ate 1mg xanax. he said ‘i wish i had a movie or something, do you have any on your computer?’ i said i downloaded ‘the straight story’
• showed each other pictures on his phone + my computer
• other stuff…before i brought in the computer…nice time in bed. he said ‘i’m wide awake.’ i said ‘i’m getting another xanax, do you want?’ he said ‘okay.’ i said ‘do you want a xanax?’ he said ‘yes, yes, good.’ at some point he got up and rubbed his stomach and looked at it then me and said ‘i’m hungry.’ he said ‘i have to make sure everything is in order before bed, everything has to be [something, i forget, felt like i understood…preparation for bed…when you don’t really want to do something, you have to like…adjust everything so it’s perfect].’ i said ‘okay. okay. make a food.’ he went to the kitchen and i looked at pictures on my computer. he brought in a bowl of grapes. a little later he brought in a bowl of fried rice
• watched ‘the straight story,’ laying on each other. held computer on my lap
• he said ‘i’m getting sleepy’ and i said ‘do you care if i still watch it’ and he said ‘no.’ plugged in earphones and watched a few minutes.
7:04PM: no longer feel weird/nervous about the shit i wrote that he read, think it’s fine. feel okay about writing this much too, i think. i think.
7:10pm: walking to car. Man with yoga mat just passed, saying ‘oh yeah, the super moon, super full moon, that’s what that is’ with ‘great gatsby’-like wealth and privilege and disregard for others.’
7:45pm: parked on berry and 7th walking to Chelsea at Vietnamese restaurant on bedford.
JUNE 25, 2013
4:18AM: chelsea rules the hardest of any dog, if you fuck with chelsea ever i will cut you
i keep smoking the goddamned evciggaret backwards and WHEN THE FUCK THIS MATTRESS GONNA GET OUT MY HOUSE
MY APARTMENT CLEAN AS HELL RIGHTH NOW YA’LLY I’M GONNA WAKE UP TOMORROW
AND BE LIKE ‘WHO CLEANED MY APARTMENT’
WHOOPS
‘WHOOPS’ –TIMOTHY WILLIS SANDERS
LOVE ‘WHOOPS’
SO ALL NIGHT CHELSEA AND ME WERE TALKING ABOUT HAVING SWAMP ASS
WHEN WE LEFT CAMEO I WAS LIKE ‘IT’S WET, MY ASS IS DEFINTEY WET, CAN YOU TAKE A PIC TO SEE’
WE WERE LAUGHING REAL HARD
CHELSEA WAS LIKE ‘IT’S NOT LIKE THAT, THE FLASH ISN’T ACCURATE, FLASH CHANGES EVERYTHING, IF I WERE TO JUST SEE YOU ON THE STREET YOU WOULD’NT BE ABLE TO TELL AT ALL’
I’M LAUGHING…WISH THERE WAS A DOCUMENTARY OF TONIGHT…WOULD BE WAY FUNNIER BETTER EPISODE OF ‘GIRLS’ BECAUSE LIKE…THE PEOPLE AREN’T…WE’RE MORE…LIKE I WOULD NEVER WANT TO HANG OUT WITH THE CHARACTERS IN ‘GIRLS’
FEELING GREAT
GREAT NIGHT GREAT DAY WOW WOW MOTIVATED TO DO SHIT TOMROROW LIKE LAUNDRY AND HOT YOGA, HOT BIKRAM YOGA SOMEWHERE
I’M GOING TO USE THE TRAIN
BECAUSE
J
UST
SHUT THE FUCK UP I DON’T NEED TO TELL YOU WHY
KOLIOOIORIUSEIJSISOEOIUER
LISTEN
YOU ARE IMPROVING MY LIFE, BY READING THIS
THANK YOU
SINCERELY
I THINK THIS WHEN I’M SOBER ALSO
THOUGHT THE THING I JUST SAID LIKE 20-40 TIMES TODAY
IT JUST FEELS GOOD TO KNOW I’M NOT ALL ALONE
I DON’T KNOW
YOU KNOW
YOU’RE HERE TOO
BABY
I DON’T KNOW
THANK YOU FOR DEEPLY REAL
BABY BABY BABY
ALVIE’S BREATH SMELLS LIKE A STRIPPER WHO’S BEEN TWERKING UPSIDE DOWN AT A FISH MARKET FOR LIKE 20 HOURS STRAIGHT
20 HOUR SHIFT
IT SMELLS SO GODDAMNED GOOD
LOVE YOU ALVIE
LOVE YOU SHIRLEY
LOVE YOU EVERYONE
1:00PM: woke and felt embarrassed about drunk update. realized i wanted to be awake shortly after eating 1mg xanax in misguided ‘maybe i’ll go to sleep again’ effort.
4:50PM: have been watching ‘drunk history’ on youtube, texting chelsea and [omitted]. drank two 8.4oz sugar-free red bulls. ate maybe 10mg adderall xr. transferred money from savings to checking.
THINGS I’M GOING TO DO TODAY:
• 6PM yoga
• buy cat food/groceries from waldbaum’s
• write about last night
• start vice article
5:10PM: sky suddenly darkened. wind is blowing curtains ominously. smells pretty.
7:31PM: walked on beach after yoga. the teacher was funny, real ‘new york style.’ maybe 12 people in class, mostly older ladies, one guy. got a two-week unlimited pass. hungry. it’s 82 degrees and the sun setting. groceries. cat food. need to get a fan for apartment, or get air conditioner from the storage unit. hotter in here than it is outside.
9:52pm: in waldbaum’s. Passed old man and smiled. Passed him again and he said ‘peaceful, isn’t it?’ I said ‘good night’ like ‘yes, this is a good one, I hadn’t considered the possibility.’ he said ‘good night’ like ‘goodbye.’
