LIVEBLOG

by Megan Boyle

  THING I’VE NOTICED WHICH SEEMS TO BE A RESULT OF LIVEBLOG:

  • when someone asks me about the specifics of an event, i do something like ‘mentally accessing library where my memories are stored,’ which is…i’m just scanning a mental index of liveblog. the memory of typing something often comes before the memory of the event i typed.

  4:07AM: this is the longest i’ve sat at this table. the table is helping with…something, i feel. nonspecific helper table.

  4:10AM: wonder if anyone actually is a paid member of those websites that don’t have real downloads of albums/movies but always want you to be a member. do those websites employ people? how does that work?

  4:11AM: on the walk home from the grocery store tonight i thought, ‘people i follow on twitter…people don’t seem as interested in things…something used to feel more active, i used to feel aligned with something…where do you go to find interesting things…motherboard, htmlgiant, gawker, io9, wired…no one cares anymore, even those places…wait was htmlgiant one of those places…yyy-es…i think’

  6:13AM: ate 800mg choline and 800mg aniracetam instead of more adderall. feel more alert than a few minutes ago. peed and turned on bathtub faucet for alvie.

  6:34AM: have been looking for a way to re-download ‘eskimo snow’ by why? was surprised to see the name ‘ben rosamond’ in the comments section of a website that showed up on google. left this comment:

  ‘ben rosamond

  damn

  ben rosamond from australia or new zealand maybe?

  it’s 6:24AM and i’ve been trying to find somewhere to re-download this album periodically for the past few hours…have a new computer…this is megan boyle…gonna give up and buy again i think

  2009 ben rosamond blast from the past

  hi, if you ever see this’

  6:53AM: left this comment:

  ‘damn didn’t know you contributed to wefuckinglovemusic

  i can’t remember how i know about wefuckinglovemusic or for how long i’ve known about it

  (i’m talking to ben)

  hi-ho, megan boyle still here

  pictured continuously commenting on this thread in this manner until it becomes like 600k words long

  would happen really slowly, like over the course of 40 years

  bookmarking this page, maybe will do this

  probably not

  shit now it seems unavoidable

  as i was writing that it seemed ‘highly avoidable’

  okay signing off for now,

  megan

  hi again, ben (do you remember me? can’t remember if we’ve ever talked or emailed, i just know who you are, maybe from the BSG short story contest thing…maybe we were just commenting on things around the same time…)

  okay signing off for now,

  megan’

  8:45AM: left these comments:

  ‘ben, i remembered i’ve read a gchat between you and zachary german that involved me in a funny way for a few lines

  haven’t said anything about this album yet: i like this album a lot

  2009 jesus…yeah that makes sense, that’s when i first heard it

  probably my second favorite why? album…‘alopecia’ first favorite…

  this one has five of my favorite songs by them on it though (‘this blackest purse,’ ‘into the shadows of my embrace,’ ‘against me,’ ‘these hands,’ ‘january twenty something’)

  i know the titles from looking at my phone, i just have those five songs from this album on my phone, i can’t remember other songs (which is why i wanted to download)

  the full album was on my old computer

  afraid to sync my phone with this computer due to…i don’t know

  if i sync my phone with this computer my old stuff will be gone forever considering the spectrum of things that could happen to a person, ‘losing my phone’s old stuff’ would not be that bad

  actually it’d probably be good

  have been hearing vacuum noises coming from somewhere in my building since maybe a little before i wrote my first comment

  it’s 6:46AM on a friday, why is anyone vacuuming right now

  never understood how ‘vacuum’ is one of the most commonly misspelled words

  in my head it sounds like ‘vac-que-oom,’ the ‘que’ and ‘oo’ transition easily/sensibly into ‘u’ and ‘u’

  the noise seems to be coming from above and to the left…opposite side of the hall as me…opposite/above…

  they didn’t have e-cigarettes in 2009

  the person who invented e-cigarettes had yet to make their millions

  i feel like my entire…everything i’ve done since 2009 has disappointed ryan manning

  i associate you (ben) with ryan manning

  same period of my life

  i like ryan manning

  he sent me an email recently that said ‘what happened to you,’ confirming my suspicions of disappointing him

  he could’ve just been being friendly though

  tried to think ‘he’s probably just being friendly’ as i wrote response

  feel like he will probably read this and…i don’t know

  i do seem pretty bad now

  not too well-off

  used to think something life-altering would happen to me when i turned [every age i’m about to turn]

  currently sort of hoping no one reads this

  or someone reads it and thinks ‘who is this crazy person, she does not seem too well-off’

  ‘well-off’ feels strange to type, what does it mean exactly

  sounds like it could’ve originated in australia or new zealand, like you, ben

  it would be funny if you’re not the ben rosamond who i think you are

  is this…am i harrassing? 100% good intentions, just want to take a break from the other stuff i was writing

  guessing ‘well-off’ means ‘someone has left something, they are now ‘off’ that thing. since they’ve been ‘off’ mostly good things have been happening to them’

  mostly good things have not been happening to me since i’ve left the things i’ve left

  that sounds dramatic

  think i’m just getting older

  pretty sure my younger self knew getting older meant there would be less choices for me to have made

  feels different to be living in a world of less choices/already-made choices

  wonder what you are doing right now ben rosamond

  ‘rosamond’ sounds like ‘a mound of roses’

  pretty thirsty at the moment

  sitting at a table

  it says this is too long to post as one comment but i wrote it as one big thing

  guess i’ll split it up

  okay signing off for now,

  megan

  it usually says ‘tomhanks’ when i comment on things but i don’t feel like signing into the email i registered my old blog with

  that email is beckdoestherobot@aol.com

  i used an aol.com email address for a long time

  the first email on my yahoo account is from january 8, 2007

  it’s a picture of a ‘pizza-billed platypus’ from my best friend at the time

  the second email is a myspace account confirmation from august 21, 2007

  then there aren’t emails until october 2007

  how is that possible

  in october 2007 i signed up for nanowrimo

  then there are mostly nanowrimo emails

  at 11:58PM january 5, 2008 i registered with dominos.com

  at 12:03AM january 6, 2008 i ordered this pizza: 1 Large(14”) Hand Tossed Pizza, Whole: Cheese, Extra Sauce, Green Peppers, Onions, Bacon, Jalapeno Peppers, Left: Extra Large Pepperoni, Extra Mushrooms, Tomatoes, Extra Diced Tomatoes, Right: Italian Sausage $10.99

  that was one hell of a day

  one hell of a five minutes

  the pizza was delivered to my best friend at the time’s dorm

  we would order as many toppings as possible

>   i was a ‘strictly cheese’ woman before we were close

  sometimes on saturdays my dad would bring home pizza and half of it would be topped with mushrooms and onions

  for a brief period i thought mushrooms and onions were the most popular pizza topping

  pepperoni was like, ‘something that happens on people’s birthdays, might be due to dietary restrictions’

  it says this is too long again

  okay signing off for now,

  megan

  people are talking in the hallway now

  vacuum is still going

  i used to say ‘i’m sorry’ when i meant ‘i see that something i’ve done has upset you and i wish you weren’t upset,’ now i say it when i mean ‘i also dislike what i did and don’t want to do it anymore’

  i was exaggerating about ‘not too well-off,’ was trying to be funny

  feel mostly okay about things that’ve happened to me

  not sure what i’m referring to anymore

  forgot what this website was called for a moment, thought ‘weheartour-blogspot’

  think i’m imagining the vacuum thing, going to try turning off the faucet

  turned it off, i was right

  my cat likes to drink water from the bathtub faucet so i turn it on sometimes

  i can’t believe…all this time…not a vacuum…damn

  learning new things every day

  was getting pretty irritated at that vacuum person

  vacuumer…vacuumaisier…vacuumassuese…

  do you know the jay-z where he says ‘i’m not a businessman, i’m a business, man’

  for a while i tried to make something like that work but with ‘vacuum and’ and ‘acumen’ (not necessarily in that order)

  i don’t remember the song other than that line

  it’s possible i just know it from people quoting it

  should i stop feeding my cats ‘fancy feast’

  they act like they like it but i’m pretty sure it’s poisonous

  my best friend’s ex-boyfriend calls her dog ‘the imp of the perverse’

  the dog is a tiny chihuahua that vibrates almost constantly

  its face is extremely expressive

  i think ‘the imp of the perverse’ originated from an idea that the dog is the by-product of all the misery in the world, like technically its parents are all the pain and suffering in the world, that’s why it is the way it is

  it’s funny if you see the dog

  maybe

  this might be strictly ‘seeing the dog’-based humor

  mild background fixation on if and how i’m disappointing ryan manning

  wanted to do this partially out of a desire to not disappoint him

  realistically i don’t think he or anyone but maybe my parents thinks about/interacts with me enough that their experiences could be disappointing compared to their expectations

  no, i don’t know

  getting a little carried away with this comment

  it’s going to be 86 degrees today

  at the end of the day i will have eaten or not eaten a number of oranges but right now it’s anyone’s game

  potentially five oranges could be eaten, i have five and do not foresee wanting more

  smart money is on ‘one orange will be eaten today’

  anyone’s game though…anyone’s…

  at this point…

  almost afraid to stop doing this, what will i do after this

  okay signing off for now,

  megan

  9:28AM: ate 5mg oxycodone for ‘actual pain relief.’ seeing less fruit flies. strange abdominal cramping. morning feels bad. to my right is a 30mg adderall ‘just in case.’ seems like jordan will not visit today. no word on the jordan front. ‘the jordan front’ sounds like an early 2000’s math rock band. maybe screamo band. maybe opening for thrice this wednesday at power point live. all is quiet on the jordan front. would be funny if he showed up in a few minutes. wonder what’s going to happen. i haven’t unpacked from maryland or folded laundry or put clean sheets/comforter on the bed yet. shirley has not tried to pee the bed since yesterday. wonder what’s going to happen…!!!!

  9:36AM: sleepy. can’t believe i’m allowed to live like this. i’m only going to want to stop living like this if i can stop thinking things like ‘can’t believe i’m allowed to live like this.’ it’s okay to be living like this for now…there is obviously…no other way to be doing it, for now, otherwise i’d be doing that instead.

  9:45AM: whoa felt insane bad for a few seconds

  normally would just leave that like it is, now going to try to unpack what felt bad exactly: i was looking somewhere between water container and sugar-free red bull. remembered i hadn’t updated recently-made auxiliary twitter where i tweet everything i eat/drink with anything i’ve ingested tonight. started thinking about how having multiple/auxiliary twitter accounts feels dark, especially considering me doing liveblog. thought about how both men i’ve been close with since starting liveblog have not liked that i was doing it. tried to imagine updating liveblog ‘or maybe a twitter’ with this and felt…just…icky/dark. remembered things i’ve typed today and felt icky/dark about them, and that there was a time when i felt positive about anything i’d say in here. then felt sudden overwhelming flashback-type series of thoughts like ‘what was different about me in the beginning of this, if i find out what it is then maybe i can get it back, i know i wasn’t happy then but at least it wasn’t now but that’s the same thing i feel now.’ remembered walking to the chinese food place to get quarters last night

  what’s with me picking guys who don’t like the stuff i like then feeling sad when it’s over

  okay boyle that’s dumb, don’t do that anymore

  how about you seal off your…just…

  your romantic interest keg is tapped

  who decided that when there’s no more weed something is ‘cashed’ and when there’s no more alcohol something is ‘tapped’

  wait ‘tapped’ means the alcohol just began

  tapped an ass

  want to make a to-do list, would that make you feel good? let’s make a to-do list:

  • mail matthew donahoo package

  • fax car inspection document to insurance people

  • read and write blurbs for chelsea martin & heiko julien books

  • party with chelsea tonight

  • print applications to schools

  • eat something

  • put away laundry

  • put other comforter in dryer (maybe you can just let it dry though, won’t it just dry?)

  SHIT I FORGOT TO MOVE MY CAR SHIT GODDAMNED FUCKING…SHIT ASS…

  well no sense in doing it now

  no i should do it, what if they haven’t caught me yet

  i have 12 unpaid parking tickets. i looked last night. can they arrest me? what can they do…

  i would let a cop beat me within an inch of my life if it meant i would never have to pay for or think about having another parking ticket ever again

  or i could just never pay the tickets and not get beaten up

  that seems to be the way this is going (knock on wood!)

  1:13PM: killed maybe ten fruit flies in kitchen with windex. moved at a slower-than-normal pace and avoided ‘wiping’ until the end. it’s unfair that flies get to rest but most fish have to keep moving or they’ll die. there is a hair in my eye. ate 800mg choline, 1g aniracetam. felt more alert and less lumbering. did i say i had a hair in my eye? it’s in my eye, the hair. wouldn’t have felt able to form sentences a few minutes ago. bugs don’t understand that everywhere is not ‘outside.’ i’ve thought this before, that everywhere is ‘outside’ technically, sometimes this gives me a vertigo-like feeling.

  was david foster wallace’s graduation speech thing called ‘this is not a fish’

  ‘this is not water’

  slideshow of things that aren’t water

  i don’t even know if that’s the re
al name of the speech yet

  oh, ‘this is water’

  haha

  slideshow of every kind of water…the water cycle…wasn’t there something about fish in his speech

  the teacher who spoke at my high school graduation talked for over 30 minutes and people in the audience had bullhorn-like noisemakers and were booing her. then people had something to talk about after the ceremony. highly polarizing speech/event…the booing…she didn’t know it, but she gave the liberty high school class of 2003 and their families/friends the gift of ‘materiel for brief, less-awkward exchanges with people who happen to be standing near you in crowded auditorium lobby, topic is applicable to anyone there, even strangers and people you’d probably otherwise have very little to say to.’ she also gave me the gift of ‘memory that, in ten years and a few months, you can use to occupy yourself with the task of making into sentences for about 20 minutes in a liveblog about your life that you will feel 51% apprehensive and 49% indifferent about updating.’

  the only thing i remember about her speech was her leaning over the podium and talking about a rabbit with a carrot on a stick/rope device strapped to its head

  the leaning motion looks exaggerated in my memory, her head gets bigger and she makes dictator gestures…she was a small person…‘fiesty’…fluffy head…

  does it sound like i’m shittaking her? i’m not. she was one of my favorite teachers. i liked it when she did the thing before everyone graduated, i liked graduating high school

  ‘i liked graduating high school’

  why is that funny to me

  three-minute youtube commercial featuring hundreds of celebrities making eye contact with the camera, earnestly saying ‘i liked graduating high school.’ you can’t fast-forward it, you have to watch

  it’s for the global…‘global help fund’

  ‘global help fund’ charity benefit gala evening, brought to you in part by CLGHS (celebrities who liked graduating high school)

  too far…too far…went too far with it…

  do i sound like i’m shittalking my parents…i’m not…did that thing earlier sound shittalky…shit