LIVEBLOG
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still probably have a suspended license, 12 unpaid parking tickets, countless un-responded-to emails and texts, a more countable number of late packages to mail, no direction in life, no motivation to write things other than this, nothing to offer as a friend or romantic partner, mattress full of cat pee. two parents who seem to like me a lot, though. also i have rainbow lights, let us not forget the rainbow lights, an integral facet of this up and coming hot spot.
remember sometime around when i moved in, after i got the bed, saying something to mom like ‘it feels good to have a bed now. it really makes a difference: stepping out of a bed. i feel like i live in an apartment of a person who has their shit together. someone who has their shit together would live in a place that looks like this.’
2:54AM: at 8PM i’m answering questions from the @altcitizen twitter account re my interview they posted today (that i did in april sometime) and anything else people want to ask. someone on twitter asked me what my room looked like. just took pictures of apartment, going to make a little flickr album…i don’t know, i’m aware that by doing this i’m ‘wasting time’ but i still want to do it and what ‘time’ am i ‘wasting’ anyway. my life is a giant accumulation of time-wasting events. the wasting cancels itself out, since it would be the same thing if it wasn’t ‘wasted,’ like how it’s the same thing if you followed everyone on twitter or no one. ate 30mg adderall before juliet’s email but only feel mild effects. thought my two days off would’ve done something.
3:04AM: eating 60mg vyvanse to ‘test’ tolerance, to see if it’s just adder-all-related. going to want more adderall before the twitter question-answering. i can’t find brandon gorrell’s response to my ‘considering soliciting brandon scott gorrell for advice about getting out of depression’ thing. it was on the muumuu house tumblr, which is now deleted, due to tao’s ‘alien possession while on mushrooms’ the other night. remember reading and thinking ‘i think i understand, wish he used specific examples from his life.’
i tried re-reading this entire thing a few days ago and only got about four days in. originally i just typed everything…like even stuff like ‘i want to be a female cat sam pink forgot to spay and i back into a q-tip he put vaseline on.’ i stopped doing that. think i got in a mentality of…i don’t know. this started feeling less private. it used to feel like a game i was playing with myself, that other people were watching, but that didn’t matter. when the [omitted] person wanted to be omitted…something happened around there. or before then, maybe. i’m going to go back to including everything. okay. here we go. everything from this point on will be ‘everything’ again, until i forget and restart. NO FORGETTING. too many things to remind myself of, though, it feels like, regarding…everything…things i type in here and other duties. that’s just a way to rationalize not including everything. why would i want to do that. okay stop doing that. ate the vyvanse, here we go.
3:22AM: keep typing ‘PM’ instead of ‘AM.’ not new. dreading looking out this window and seeing morning light. not new. they say it’ll be cloudy and rainy tomorrow. not new. why can’t i just pause it so time keeps moving but for me the sky always looks like night.
listening to ‘the peter criss jazz’ by don caballero on repeat. masha seems to have mostly vanished from the internet. in an email to juliet i said ‘wish the internet was just another state, like everyone on the internet at the same time would automatically be in the same physical location.’ imagine the party. it’d be a party for like, a week. then we’d all be like ‘oh, okay.’ maybe. maybe. new people would keep joining the party.
POINT OF ANNOYANCE:
i said something to [omitted] about why i wanted to keep doing the liveblog, like ‘yeah but i’m doing it longer than anyone else has.’ he said something like ‘i don’t know about that’ and showed me the tumblr of this girl he dated. it was just a tumblr. someone’s tumblr. i don’t know. she just…her thing wasn’t ‘consistently updating/writing the events and thoughts of as many minutes and hours of the day as possible,’ it was like, ‘reblogging stuff i like, sometimes posting pictures or writing accounts of things that happened, but not attempting to say everything.’ remember him saying something like she had prefaced her blog with a similar thing as me but…it was just a sentence…it was like, ‘i’m going to use this blog to blog’ or something. i’m bitter about this because…i didn’t like the way he’d talk about girls he dated…i think…didn’t like being compared to this girl…feel like i’m doing something more than just…i don’t know…it’s stupid, this is stupid…didn’t like that he saw me as doing the same thing as her…er, was more surprised that he thought i was doing the same thing than…because i know i’m not…i don’t know…seems obviously very…bothered by him not acknowledging the…i don’t know. he was never that supportive of me doing this or interested in my writing in general and i don’t know why that bugged me but it did. STOP WRITING ABOUT HIM NOW. i feel the vyvanse i think. keep getting whiffs of the formerly peed-on comfortor that didn’t dry all the way which is now sort of moldy-smelling, draped over the chairs next to me. annoyed by this. annoyed.eres.reoersjs.
3:46AM: can hear footsteps of the person who lives above me. they are usually awake when i am. hours most people are sleeping. the person is me, i think…like…me ten years from now…some kind of time warp is going on…
when zachery w. and i ate mushrooms in may, we had an ongoing conceit about ‘what if all the apartments in my building were actually just my apartment at different times.’ it got complicated. wish i had written this part down. the building across from me was…something about empathy…it was where people incapable of empathy lived or something. it was a factory maybe. shit. he made that part up, i wasn’t completely following that part. seemed interesting though.
6:06AM: LIVEBLOG: FOR ME, NOT YOU, REMEMBER. not really though. this would be different if i didn’t think people were reading. i think. would it? no, i don’t know.
6:13AM: peed. left just enough toilet paper on the roll for ‘one more time.’ one last go-around on the wheel of glory. ‘can’t be mad at me for leaving just this much, because there is Just Enough left for next time.’ defendable in a court of law. restraining order. eventually getting a restraining order against the insane future me who thinks i had left less than what was required to pat away those final little piddle drips. you really don’t need to use a lot of toilet paper. this is a lesson in conservation. leaving Just Enough is benefiting all. unicef. peace corps. alissa milano’s sincere face looking into the camera and imploring, ‘one rotation of toilet paper. what if that’s all it took?’ then it’s replaced by a slow-moving slideshow of impoverished children’s faces with big sad eyes holding cardboard tubes, some of which still have little white strips of paper attached to the adhesive, then a voiceover, ‘one rotation of toilet paper every time. that’s less than twenty squares a day. what if someone told you that’s all it took? that’s all it would take to save a child in need.’
in all fairness, to ‘future insane me who thinks i had left less than required,’ i really did leave the bare minimum. in fact, would put money on me starting a new roll the next time. especially if it’s a you-know-what (a poop!!!!!!). no question…i mean, no question at all if it’s a you-know-what…
it’s funny when people call anything a ‘you-know-what.’
want to start calling normal things ‘you-know-whats.’ like ‘don’t worry mom, i’ll be sure to lock the you-know-what on my way out.’
9:44AM: the sky is cloudy, just like they said it would be.
10:44AM: ate 20mg adderall XR. down to five 20mg XR, three 30mg IR, one 60mg vyvanse. going to want more soon. peed. i peed one other time since mentioning the toilet paper—i used the Just Enough i had left (mostly out of ‘i told you so’) and started a new roll. the pee i just peed was wiped with the paper of a crisp new roll.
if a cat pees or poops in the box i’ve been scooping it into the toilet right away. i’m here, so why not…you know…the least i can do
. the least i can do is helpful. every time.
every time you guess something correctly you should get a point. the points can go towards anything you want. i think. i haven’t figured it out yet, how the points will work. it’s just a way to pick up bonus points. catch-all. like when your ‘health points’ are down and you have cancer, if you can correctly guess if the nurse will pause before she pronounces your name or guess the color of the shirt of the next person who walks by or guess what vegetable they’ll bring with dinner…i don’t know. you should get something. even if it’s just a little sign by your head that says how many points you have, and like, an index of your ‘best wins.’ you can guess more points for guessing harder things. like a few days ago…shit. i forget this completely. no i don’t, it was with my mom. i guessed it was 78 degrees exactly. at the last minute i changed from 81 to 78 for no reason. you should get something for that.
i’m officially going to start ‘getting something for that.’ will keep a tally of points i earn. it’s going to start with a tally. then i’m going to make my million dollar iphone app…once i can correctly guess how to write code…now that would be something. damn. feel like there are definitely people out there, very successful rich people, who have gotten everything they have just by guessing. no. maybe just a few people. less than i would think, actually. probably no one. think that’s in ‘sirens of titan,’ someone gets rich because he discovered a code in the bible or alphabet that corresponds to the stock market. maybe there already is a points system. the illuminati knows about it. damn this seems real to me. maybe i’m onto it by…i’m discovering it the way the first illuminati person discovered it…maybe they can tell…they’re listening, maybe…CAN YOU GUYS TELL I FIGURED OUT THE POINTS SYSTEM, CAN I BE A MEMBER OF YOUR THING NOW? i’ll write a report…i won’t use ellipsis in the way i just used them and will limit or restrict using the words ‘thing,’ ‘something,’ ‘like.’ willing to limit ‘seems’ if you think it’d be a problem, but would rather not restrict completely (given the nature of the paper i think you’d want me to write).
if i got in the illuminati here are the only things i’d want, this is all i’d ask of them:
• to get my car insurance situation taken care of
• to get a new york license so i could get the car insurance situation taken care of
• to un-suspend my license (70-75% sure it is) so i could get a new york license so i could get my car insurance situation taken care of
• to pay my parking tickets so i don’t feel like a criminal when i go to see if my license is suspended so i could get a new york license so i could get my car insurance situation taken care of
• for someone to fill out college applications for me (or give me a job or money so i won’t have to go to college)
• for the lawyer person to send me the accident settlement money already (or give me a job or money so i won’t have to use accident settlement money)
• for someone to fix my phone
• for shirley to stop peeing the bed
• would like a garbage disposal and a printer and a juicer that works (luxury items, can wait)
i think that’s all. looked around my room and checked to-do list several times to see if i’m missing anything. illuminati probably can’t get me other things i want that aren’t on the list.
while i’m at it, might as well just…i’m really pushing my luck, but:
• would like a device that gets all the crumbs off my feet before i put them into bed. like a suction…thing. self-wiping floor. you just peel off a new floor every few hours. it would peel off in that way plastic covers for certain electronics peel. it’s a very special kind of ‘peeling,’ the peeling i’m talking about. like you want to put it back on right away just so you can peel it off again and hear the peeling noise and feel how light and flexible the plastic is. my dad leaves the peels on his things, drives me nuts. imagine peeling a floor. your entire floor. i’d get chills. i just did, a little. ‘the illuminati floor peel.’
3:21PM: THINGS TO DO BY 11:59PM TODAY:
• mail packages for matthew and juliet
• shower
• do twitter thing for alt citizen article at 8PM
okay. little steps. it’s okay, little steps are okay, remember. they are still steps. the least you can do. tomorrow you can go to fedex. wait, it makes more sense to just make one trip to fedex (‘real reason’ is to fax document to car insurance people). hm.
REVISED LIST FOR TODAY:
• i’m going to think about it. ‘thinking about it’ deadline is 5PM. i have to decide if fedex happens today or tomorrow by 5PM.
rationally…the faxing. shit. the faxing involves a phone call, which should happen at fedex, and my phone says ‘no service’ and won’t make/receive calls…asking to use the fedex phone with no sleep and thinking about ‘i have to be back by 8PM to do the alt citizen thing’…shit, too stressful.
that was easy. fedex will be another day.
had been sort of entertaining the idea of ‘getting away from it all’ (haha) in maryland and…okay be realistic. be real do real talk real style no ‘but i was thinking, but…’
WHY SHOULD YOU GO TO MARYLAND:
• the people at the at&t store know you and it’ll be easy to get your phone fixed.
• kenny knows how to re-wire lamps and your floor lamp is broken and it’d be nice if it wasn’t.
• can use the printer at mom’s house for college applications.
• can go through the storage unit and organize what remains of your stuff so dad doesn’t bug you about the storage unit anymore.
• can get your health insurance card which will help you when you get that new gynecologist whenever that magical day may be.
• the drive feels nice.
• change of scenery and it feels like you belong there.
• get to party with mom.
WHY SHOULD YOU NOT GO TO MARYLAND:
• there are at&t stores probably everywhere in new york, all qualified to fix your phone.
• shirley peed on the mattress the last time you were gone.
• the last two times you’ve gone you haven’t fixed your phone or printed things like you said you would. you just partied with mom.
• might be good for you to stay in the same place for two weeks. your apartment/neighborhood might feel a little more familiar if you were here more often.
THESE THINGS FEEL MOST IMPORTANT:
• getting phone to work.
• getting away from here.
• staying here to see if that helps this feel less like a place i want to escape, more like ‘when i want to escape, i come here.’
so sort of at a stand-still. will probably end up going to maryland tomorrow. yeah. here’s my big dream: waking at 9 or 10AM naturally and feeling refreshed, making a little hobby stop at the neighborhood fedex before chugging down to maryland, either arriving before the at&t store closes OR arriving after, having a nice dinner and talk (oh man, if you get there before 7PM you could even go to a YOGA CLASS!!!!) with mom, going to sleep before 2AM without drugs, waking naturally and refreshed around 9 or 10AM on friday, get the at&t store to do their business to you, drop off broken lamp at [location to be determined], bring dad a coffee at his office and maybe talk or go to dinner, then make your merry way back to your favorite beachside hidey-hole.
that’d be okay. that’d be good, if i did all that.
3:49PM: ate 800mg choline, 1.2g aniracetam, 400mg phenethylamine. i started eating similar amounts of these things daily a little more than two weeks ago. that’s not what i wanted to talk about.
as i was spooning these powder thingies onto my tongue and chasing them with water here is what is was thinking:
if someone who’s won the pulitzer prize had to live inside me for a day…it’d be. hm. then they would know what ‘hard’ is. can i make that funny? sounds too ‘mad’…or…complain-y…it’s just not funny. the hard thing is when the easy things f
eel hard because not only do those things feel hard, most people do them with ease, which could mean or not mean any number of things about you, but it does seem reasonable to conclude ‘there is something dysfunctional about this person,’ especially if there are no real reasons for you to feel this bad. your basic needs are met.
i wasn’t thinking that. i wasn’t thinking the ‘basic needs’ thing. i always want to say ‘i know people have it worse than me’ stuff when i complain, to create a guilt/blame-free buffer zone. but that’s just the same faulty ‘comparing myself to masses of people’ thinking which is what initially makes me feel inept and that, if i’m viewing rationally, doesn’t make sense to do. i don’t know how to stop thinking things like this. how to stop getting in the way of myself.
before i went into the basic needs buffer-zone, the point i was trying to make, which…whatever, here’s the point: no matter what, any solution that is offered to me by anyone, or that i invent on my own, i will find a problem with that solution.
6:01PM: ate 30mg adderall. moved to bed. sitting on dried baking soda pee-cleaner mixture. the adderall is just making me feel ‘normal.’ i got caught up in the problem/solution thing. why do i feel pressure to stop doing stuff like that…stuff i get distracted by…hm. interesting. the pressure to stop makes me want to keep going.
glad i saved all my ‘i think it’s empty’ e-cigarette cartridges for a time like this. do not feel like buying new you-know-whats.
i can feel my boobs on my stomach when i sit like this.
6:05PM: highlighted everything i’ve written from that last sentence until the text directly under ‘august 2, 2013.’ it says it’s 21,765 words. seems impossible. what the hell.
6:11PM: walked around saying ‘where’s the shirley’ and ‘where’s the shirley we all know and love’ and things like that. found her under the bed. don’t cats hide when they think they’re going to die? shit. should i take her to a vet. shit. she’s probably just spooked by the baking soda. now she’s sniffing around the bed. spooked. spooked by baking soda, classic. oldest trick in the book. wanna know a surefire way to spook a cat? wait for them to pee on your bed, then rub baking soda on the pee. gets ‘em every time. spooked to high hell.