by Simon Archer
“Yes, my liege,” He smiled brightly at me as he smacked the priest with his own arms again. “I figured you might want to talk with him, and it's so much more work raising people from the dead.”
“For you, maybe,” I said with a laugh. “Then again, mine is a bit different.”
“It is.” Gobta nodded solemnly. “I have put much thought into why that is, but I still must think about it more before I am ready to share my theories.”
“I look forward to hearing them,” I said before I turned my attention to the High Priest. Then I dropped to my haunches so that my face was close to his. “So, this is what I like to call a coup.” I gestured back at the princesses. “You’re going to do what they say, and if not, I’m going to kill you. Are we clear?”
That’s when the fucker tried to choke me with the wind again. Only, I’d sort of expected it as had Gobta because the moment it happened, the Priest realized something.
It’s incredibly hard to breathe with your own arm shoved violently down your own throat.
“Let him die, then resurrect him so that we can Weekend at Bernie’s this bitch.” I nodded to Gobta. “I’ll explain what that means later.”
“As you wish,” Gobta replied with a shrug. Then he snapped his fingers, and as a spark of emerald energy left his fingertips, the High Priest’s entire body seized up, and he gasped his last breath.
Your summoned creatures have killed creature: High Priest of Zorak.
You have leveled up. You gain three stat points and one skill point to distribute.
You have completed the quest: Escort Princess Elephelie of the Amorphie Clan (Day) to her sister. You gain six stat points and two skill points to distribute. Your reputation with the Amorphie Clan (Day) has increased from friendly to honored. Your reputation with the Amorphie Clan (Night) has increased from neutral to friendly.
I quickly added my skills and stat points, opting to drop one into Strength, Agility, and Fortitude, two into Intelligence, and four into Charisma. I had neglected Charisma until now, there were just higher priorities, but now, I had good reason to boost it. Just like in Terra Forma, the extra Charisma gave me an added bonus to the reputations of the two Amorphie Clan factions, which would be helpful, since I had a bunch of plans for this place. After that, I added all my skill points to Auric Infusion, since I’d been neglecting it.
Then, because I could, I used Auric Extraction on the High Priest’s corpse while Queenie explained what was going on to a very confused Zemia and Elephelie.
Pattern: High Priest of Zorak has been learned. Would you like to create a High Priest of Zorak? Please note, this is a special monster, and only one can be summoned at any given time. If you would like to summon more, you must defeat more.
As I watched Gobta heal the broken, bloodied body of the priest so he could resurrect the High Priest, I opted not to summon one of my own. Not because he didn’t seem like he would be a good minion. No, it was because I was pretty sure that having two of them might be a bit confusing for the general populace, especially if I planned to have him hand over his power to the princesses so we could start rebuilding the place.
Besides, he was kind of a dick.
20
“My liege, can I dismiss this one when this mission is over?” Gobta asked as he looked at his new High Priest of Zorak pet. “He seems… weak.”
I was inclined to agree with Gobta. Both my version of the High Priest and his had pathetically low stats, almost like someone had tried to take a starting character and turn it into a ridiculously overpowered glass cannon. The guy’s ability to manipulate air was off the chart, but otherwise, that was it. In fact, from the look of things, he had even less health than the Sentry Ants I’d slain when I’d started out, and this dude was over level thirty.
And don’t get me started on his Strength, Agility, and Charisma stats. Dude was all Intelligence.
Fucking newb.
“Have you decided what to name him?” I asked as I looked over the zombie.
“No.” Gobta glared at the zombie. “I wanted him to be better.”
“I am sorry to be such a disappointment, sir.” The zombie had the decency to look chagrined.
“It’s no problem, Gobta. I’m going to turn him into an ultimate badass, and accordingly, he will need an ultimate badass name.” I looked the zombie over. “I’m going to call you Hudson. It’s an Aliens reference, not that any of you will get that.” I threw my arm around the zombie’s shoulders. “Gobta, meet Hudson.”
“Yay,” Gobta said with forced happiness. “Now, can we go meet the others?” He glanced at the pool of weird water in the room. “This place smells funny.”
“Yeah, we need to explain the plan to Zemia and Elephelie, anyway.”
At my words, Gobta merely nodded, and I couldn’t help but agree with that sentiment.
“That may be wise.” The Hobgoblin glanced back at me as we approached the door with Hudson in tow. “How they view the plan may be a bit off, especially given their source of information.”
That was apparently an understatement because, as we exited the room and found the three women standing in the greater meeting room, all three looked at me expectantly. The thing was, while Queenie seemed quite pleased with herself, the two Princesses had looks on their faces that were a mixture of anger, fear, and disbelief.
“Master, I have informed the Princesses of what you have done and intend to do,” Queenie said brightly at my approach. There was a slight pause, and she threw a glare at the two women, which made them start.
“We welcome your rule, master,” Zemia said politely while bowing her head. “I am told you are very benevolent and wise and will do what is best for our planet.”
“Yes, master,” Elephelie added, though her voice was tinged with anger. “Truly, you must be both wise and benevolent.” She nodded toward Queenie. “We have been assured as such.”
“Um…” I rubbed the back of my head. “Thanks, I think.” My gaze flicked to Queenie, who looked like a mom watching her kid’s first play date. “Why are you two calling me master?” I arched an eyebrow. “And what’s this about ruling your planet? I plan to help you guys, sure.” I gestured at Hudson. “Especially after he gives up his throne or whatever it is exactly he has, but I can’t stay here.”
“Yes.” Zemia nodded while still looking at her feet, which were admittedly kind of interesting since they were covered in glittering scales. “We have already accepted your Queen’s terms. We will be happy to provide the tribute she has requested as well as serve as regents in your stead.”
“You what?” I asked, and as I moved to explain further, Gobta put an arm around my shoulder and pulled me close.
“Sounds like Queenie negotiated a surrender for the entire planet,” Gobta whispered into my ear. “That’s a good thing.”
“But… I didn’t come here to take over the planet.” It was true. I’d come to do whatever the quest required, but otherwise...
“I know that, my liege,” Gobta said with a sigh. “But how much easier will it be to do what needs to be done if they think you are the boss of them?” He paused. “You don’t have to answer that because it’s rhetorical.” He nodded at the princesses. “If you find that, when we’re done, you don’t want this place, just give it back. Until then, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”
He had an excellent point. I could just do what I’d set about to do initially, which was to develop the place and create trade routes and then give the place back. That would be way easier to do if I didn’t have to deal with bureaucracy.
“You make an excellent point, Gobta,” I said with a sigh. Then I turned my attention back to the Princesses. “Firstly, I’m going to need you both to stop calling me master. Garrett is fine.” When the two of them nodded, I continued. “Secondly, please know that I’m very hands off at the ruling thing, as in, I have little to no desire for it, nor for the wealth of your planet. I merely want to make things better for everyone.”
“Your Queen has explained this,” Zemia said, voice still slow. “It is why we agreed to your terms.”
“Oh…” I shut my eyes for a second. Something was definitely off though. If she had explained that, why were they still so, well, this?
“Yes, she has been quite detailed.” Elephelie took a step forward. “In fact, for a conquering warlord, they’re quite good.” She met my eyes, and there was a hardness to them. “The only part we quibbled about was the last one.”
“Yes.” Zemia almost lifted her eyes from the ground but evidently thought better of it. “We have no problem ruling by your side… Garrett.”
“The problem,” Elephelie said as though her sister had not spoken at all, “is that she does not understand our culture very well. Otherwise, she would not suggest what she has suggested.”
“Careful, sister,” Zemia warned before throwing a glance at Queenie. “I wish to keep my insides on the inside.”
“As do I,” Elephelie growled, “but you know as well as I do that we cannot abide by the terms of the agreement as it stands.”
“I do not see why it is a problem,” Queenie interjected. “Master is very wise and benevolent--”
“And while we are grateful for the opportunity, we simply cannot officially accept the treaty because we are not married to him, and we cannot marry him right now.” Elephelie glared at Queenie. “Because, as I said before, we can only marry once we are pregnant.”
“That is true.” Zemia nodded once. “If he were to impregnate us first, there would be no problem. We would be able to marry him and then accept the treaty on behalf of our people.”
“Whoa,” Gobta said before bursting into a fit of laughter.
“Do not laugh, Hobgoblin.” Elephelie shot him a look that could melt steel. “It is true.” She gestured back at the room from whence we had come. “That is why we found Zemia in the fertility pool because the High Priest wished to impregnate her. Then after she had successfully taken his seed, they would have been married.”
I’ll be honest. The world sort of tunneled then. I know people kept talking because I could see their mouths moving, but at the same time, I didn’t hear any sound. Was everyone in the room serious right now? They wanted me to… to have children with them? And Queenie had somehow negotiated this?
And their major fucking concern was that they were not currently pregnant with my babies?
How was that even a thing?
I shut my eyes and tried to count back from ten. Only when I opened them, I found everyone looking at me.
“Well, Garrett,” Elephelie said. “Do you wish to make us honest women, so you can rule our planet?”
“I understand it may be difficult given that we are not of your species,” Zemia said, and as she took a step forward, she pulled the leaves that covered her breasts away. Honestly, they were perfect. “But we are considered quite attractive for our species.” She took a deep, trembling breath as she pulled off her skirt to reveal shapely hips and a lot else that was nice to look at. “But we would encourage you to just let us try. I promise that it will be quite pleasurable for you.”
“Wait.” I made a time-out gesture. It was strange because, on the one hand, I had two super hot alien women wanting to bang me, but on the other. Babies. “Are you sure?”
“Master,” Queenie’s voice filled the air. “The marriage part was their idea. I merely discussed tribute, the rule of law, and other such things as you bade me.”
“Yes.” Elephelie was also topless now. Her breasts were a bit smaller than Zemia’s but no less nice. “And we told her this was the way it had to happen.” She shook her head. “Honestly, I’ve not met someone who tried so hard not to mate with me.” Her skirt hit the tile next. “Now, if you want this to happen, Garrett, take us both back into the fertility chamber and make us real women.” She met my eyes. “Or leave.”
21
Gobta
“Hit me again,” I snarled at Hudson as I tried to tune out Garrett going to town on the two fish princesses. From the sound of it, he was either murdering them with pleasure or, well, that was probably the only option. That said, I had to say I was a bit amazed at his fortitude since it had been six hours.
Six fucking hours of sitting in this hallway with Hudson. So, of course, I’d tried to train the stupid fish guy, but since he knew all of one spell, Suffocation, and one skill, Fast Cast, it wasn’t going well.
“Here it comes, my king,” Hudson cried as he thrust his hand forward like he was trying to hit the air hard enough with his palm for it to hit me. “Gust!”
It was a made-up spell I’d tried to teach him because, at its core, magic was mostly about visualization. He had an affinity for Wind Magic, so using it to do basic fucking things should have been easy enough given his level of Intelligence and skill with the Suffocation spell.
Unfortunately, the mewling priest’s Gust failed to so much as ruffle two of my leg hairs. I looked down at my leg hair in dismay.
“You are pathetic,” I told him. “Truly, pathetic.” I shook my head. “I cannot believe you are the founding member of the G-Unit.”
“The G-Unit?” Queenie asked from across the hall. It had been the first thing she said since I’d refused to play “How Great is Master?… So Great” with her which really wasn’t a game so much as it was her talking about how big Garrett’s dick was. Truly amazing, I’d wager if the Princesses’ cries were anything to go by. It almost made me want to see it, if only for purely scientific reasons. No Homo.
Anyway, since then she’d been busily alternating between lying down, sitting up, and doing jumping jacks. The jumping jacks were somewhat nice to watch because she had perfect form. It would have been better if she were even slightly attractive, but she was not. It wasn’t her fault, really. After all, there wasn’t quite anything like a burly hobgoblin woman, tattooed from head to toe with thigh muscles so big they could crack a man’s head like a nut.
“Yeah, the G-Unit.” I smashed my chest with my fist. “I am Gobta, and they are my minions that I will form into an elite team. A unit if you will. A G-Unit.” My response must have temporarily cowed the Ant Queen because she nodded once before shrugging.
“If I made a team, I’d call it the A-Team, because they would be a crack commando unit that could do the job even if no one else could.” She nodded once. “That would be a much better name.”
“It would not.” I scowled at her. “For one, your name doesn’t start with A. My name starts with G, hence G-Unit.”
“Well, the A-Team obviously goes in first. They’re the Alpha team, and after that, you don’t even need another team because they’re so good.” Queenie nodded furiously. “And I wouldn’t have my founding member be a worthless priest.”
“Well, I for one think it’s a great name,” Hudson said which did not help because he was worthless.
Queenie merely smirked. “I rest my case,” she added after a beat, and I had to admit she had a point. So, instead, I did what any great leader would do. I ignored her completely.
“You,” I snarled, whirling on the priest. “Gust!”
“Gust!” he cried, and this time he ruffled at least six of my leg hairs. He must have noticed because between gasps for breath, he gave me a huge smile.
“Progress,” I grudgingly acknowledged. “It only took you four hours.”
“‘Cause it’s the G-team.” I could feel Queenie’s laughter as she spoke, but I didn’t deign her with a look.
“Come on, Hudson,” I said as I snapped my fingers. “Let’s find something else to do where the peanut gallery is less annoying.” I put a hand to my ear. “From the sounds of things, it doesn’t seem like our liege will be back anytime soon, so I think we have time to explore.” And then, before Queenie could pipe up, I turned and looked right at her. “Do not fear, Ant Queen, we will not leave the Halls until commanded.” After she nodded, I hit my chest again. “G-G-G-G-Unit!”
Then I marched out with the High Priest trailin
g behind me. He at least looked powerful and carried himself like he was important which, I suppose if I was being totally honest, he had been in his pre-zombie life.
“So, what hijinks can we pursue?” I asked him when we were well out of the Ant Queen’s hearing. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust her, it’s more that I didn’t trust her not to spoil my fun.
“Hijinks, my king?” he asked as he raised that stupid fleshy ridge where he should have had an eyebrow, but he didn’t because he was a hairless fish monster. “I’m not sure I quite follow.”
“Trouble. Where can we get into some trouble but not enough to annoy my liege?” I smiled. “I just want to annoy Queenie.”
“Oh, well…” Hudson paused in thought. “We could get drunk and throw things at her.” He started nodding furiously. “I have this thing,” he put his hands about six inches apart, “and it shoots out goo. We could shoot it at her.”
“Are you talking about your dick?” I asked idly wondering what would happen if the zombie tried to spooge on Queenie. As funny as that would be, afterward, I probably wouldn’t have a zombie anymore.
“No.” He shivered. “I cannot think of a female I’ve found less attractive than her.”
“I know, right?” I said with a laugh. “I do not understand what my liege sees in her.”
“Her breasts are way too large, for one.” Hudson shook her head. “Like, that doesn’t even make sense. She’s an ant, not a mammal.”
“I asked the same question but was told not to overthink it.” I sighed because I realized I actually sort of liked Hudson, even if he was weaker than a wet paper bag. How this man had managed to cow an entire planet was beyond me, and a little sad. The world I’d come from had been bloodthirsty and cruel. Had I been here, why, I’d have been lord of everything beneath the stars.
“Ah. That is likely wise advice. Many strange creatures do inhabit the universe,” Hudson mused. “But, and I hate to say this, my liege, I am powerfully thirsty.” He made a drinking motion with one hand. “Let’s get smashed.”
