by Simon Archer
“You know what? Fuck it.” I nodded at him. “To the booze.”
His grin could have split his face as he bounded away. It wasn’t hard to keep up with him, so I let idle thoughts take me as I followed. It had been a while since I’d had myself a good drink. What would this fish ale taste like? Would it even be ale? Perhaps it would be a harder spirit? And his goo sprayer also intrigued me… assuming he was telling the truth, and it wasn’t his penis. That would be disappointing.
“We’re here, my king,” Hudson said as he rounded a corner and gestured at what looked like another pit full of water. Only this water seemed to bubble and froth and even from here, I could tell it was much warmer than the water I’d seen thus far.
“What is here?” I looked around the room and spied what looked like a bar, only the containers upon it looked like they were made of waxy leaves, which was odd. In fact, this whole place had a dearth of metal, glass, and anything that seemed to come from the earth in general. It was all just… sea tree.
“My personal spa.” He made his way to the bar and pulled two pouches off a shelf. “Let’s start with this. It’s called Morning Wood.” He offered me a pouch. “It is made by fermenting the wood and--”
“Sounds great,” I said as I snatched the pouch from him and sniffed at the contents. It smelled like the anise and licorice candy Garrett seemed to enjoy so much, which was interesting. “Why do you suggest we start with this?” I wiped my forehead with the back of my hand. “And why is it so blasted hot in here?”
“I did not know if you could feel temperature.” Hudson looked at me curiously. “This is my entertainment room. I often bring people here to lounge in the hot spring’s healing waters while we drink and speak of business.”
“Ah,” I said as I looked around. I had, of course, visited a hot spring before. “And to answer your question, I can feel heat and whatever else just fine. It just doesn’t hurt me like it did in life. Well, to the same degree anyway.” As I spoke, I shrugged off my armor and made my way into the spring.
And it was fucking amazing.
Like, in a way I can’t begin to describe, except to say that as you age and grow and whatnot, you start gathering little aches and pains. Little creaks and cricks. They’re not much, they don’t really bother you, and you get used to them. Now, imagine them all vanishing in an instant, and you suddenly are like, “Wow, this what good health feels like.”
This felt like that.
Then I sipped my drink, and as the too strong flavor of licorice punched me in the soul, the world split into a million hallucinations. Or, at least, I was pretty sure they were hallucinations because Hudson turned into a giant velociraptor wearing a necktie. And the walls turned into cupcakes.
“To answer your question,” Hudson the velociraptor said as he slipped into the water beside me, “I started with this one because I quite like the hallucinations. Do you know you look like a shark with a monocle?”
“Raptor with a suit.” I gestured at him, and we both laughed like school girls.
It was glorious.
So, I took another sip, and this time, he changed into a shaved beaver.
The third sip?
Mongoose with a chainsaw.
“This is the best thing ever.” I took another sip, and this time it tasted like cherries, and when I looked at the liquid, I realized it had changed from green to red.
“My favorite part is the lemon,” Hudson the rainbow narwhal said as he tapped his pouch. “It’s the third flavor.” He wrinkled his nose. “You just sorta have to get past the licorice.” He sighed. “I don’t know anyone who likes that part.”
“Oh, I know one guy,” I said with a laugh as I took another swig that made him look like a very attractive pair of pants. Perfectly scuffed and made from the finest troll leather.
“Really?” Hudson asked in disbelief. “How could that even be possible?”
“Our liege is quite fond of licorice. It’s a horrible character flaw, really.” I took another drink and decided Hudson was right. Lemon was better than cherry.
“Oh, by the gods above,” The High Priest put his head in his hands. “I can’t believe I’m bound to a guy who likes licorice.”
“Well, he couldn’t just be perfect,” I said with a snort which was when I also realized I was really, really drunk. “What would his flaws be otherwise? That he’s too handsome?”
“No.” Hudson shook his head. “It would be that he’s too smart.”
“Or too pretty.” I laughed. “A man needs scars.”
“I got this scar fighting a shark.” Hudson touched his thigh, and I noticed he did, in fact, have teeth marks. “We were starving, and I saw a shark and thought, I’m gonna eat that sum bitch. So I climbed down there and attacked it with a spear.” He laughed. “Then it bit the shit out of me. I thought I’d die, so I screamed really loudly, and my scream tore the breath out of it. As it died, I realized I had magic.”
“Then you took over the world.” I nodded. “I’d do the same.”
“I would imagine you’d have succeeded.” The High Priest finished his pouch and climbed out of the hot spring, although he mostly looked like a green walrus with a mohawk at this point. “Our world is weak. Most people here have no magic and are too afraid of the creatures of the deep to do much but trust in people like me.” He tossed me a new pouch that smelled of peppermint. “You seem quite strong, so your world must have been fierce.”
“I was king of the Hobgoblins.” I shrugged. “It’s kind of a big deal.”
“And yet, our liege beat you,” Hudson said in a way that let me know he knew my pain. Only, the thing was that I didn’t really regret losing to Garrett. As I’d told him, he saved me from a horrific unlife of torture at the hands of the great beasts. “Is he truly that powerful?”
“Yes.” I tipped back my drink and found that while I disliked the flavor of peppermint, I liked that it made me feel warm from the tip of my toes to the top of my head. Also, it made me hear war music. “Do you hear the music, or is it this drink?”
“It’s the drink. Sounds like what you like most.” He laughed. “I figured you would like that one.” He came over to me and touched my pouch with his in a toast. “So, can you really teach me to be strong like you?”
“Yes,” I said with a nod. “You are the founding member of the G-Unit. I will make you better than you ever hoped to be.” I held up the pouch. “Boars suck. Especially when there are thirty to fifty of them.” Then I drank.
“Is that in reference to your other…” He paused a beat. “Minion?”
“Yes. That fucker smells so bad. Like old bacon.” I squished up my nose. “Not like this drink, though.” I laughed and took another sip which caused me to hear the screams of my enemies as they fell before me. “So… tell me about this goo shooter of yours.”
22
“So, did you properly please, master?” Queenie asked the princesses when we finally left the room. I honestly didn’t know how I was still standing except to say that the princesses excreted some kind of chemical that energized me to my core.
“Oh yes, they were great,” I said with a laugh, but Queenie was focused on Elephelie and Zemia. “We all had a great time.”
“You both don’t seem pregnant to me.” She sniffed the air. “A queen can tell.”
“I don’t think it’s going to work because we’re different species.” Zemia frowned. “But we can try again.”
“And again,” Elephelie added. “And again. As many times as it takes, really.”
Then, before anyone could say anything else, Hudson and Gobta burst into the room, stark naked and carrying giant plant pods that vaguely reminded me of pea pods.
“Eat goo!” Gobta cried at the top of his lungs right before he and his zombie sprayed Queenie with what looked like bright pink silly string. Then they turned and ran off.
“So… that happened…” I mumbled as I watched them go.
“The High Priest must have broken i
nto his secret stash,” Zemia said with a shrug. “That is the only time he uses the goo shooters.”
“Is it dangerous?” I asked as I looked over at Queenie who was still standing there with a look of shocked disbelief on her face. It would likely turn to rage at some point, but for the moment, everyone still had all their limbs attached. I reached out over the mental link and advised the Hobgoblin to bring her some candy when he next appeared.
My response was a burp which was about what I’d expected.
“It’s not dangerous in the slightest. It’s actually a delicacy because it’s made with sweet pink reed,” Zemia responded as she rubbed her chin. “But this leaves us quite the problem. We cannot marry you if we are not with child, and therefore, we cannot entreat with you along the terms Queenie has already brokered.”
“Can we just, I dunno, make a normal alliance or whatever until then?” I asked as I looked back at them. “Then maybe Melanie can figure out the whole way to make the pregnancy thing work when we have more time.”
“We can temporarily ally with you, yes,” Elephelie said as she looked skyward, obviously lost in thought. “But it will only be temporary and will likely be challenged by the other tribes sooner rather than later.” She gestured at her sister. “It is why the High Priest moved to quickly impregnate my sister. If he had succeeded, their villages would be permanently merged. After all, while we may lie with words, we would never lie if it would affect the life of a child. There are far too few of us as it is.”
“That is simple then.” Queenie’s response was a bit happier than I thought it had been, and when I looked back at her, I saw her busily eating the goo she’d been splattered with. “Master will simply kill all who oppose him, then resurrect them as zombies to serve him for eternity.”
“Oh, like you did with the High Priest?” Zemia said with a nod. “That is an excellent idea.” She smiled. “We can kill them all as we remake the planet into a better place.”
After that, the conversation sort of devolved into Elephelie and Zemia suggesting that we “kill these people and conquer these other people because their leader once stole my favorite doll.” And, it probably goes without saying, but Queenie was busily urging them on.
Not that they needed much help, mind you.
Leaving them to it, I turned my attention toward the analysis of the planet that Veronica had sent over while I’d been busy with the princesses. I hadn't been able to work on it at the time. Now, though?
Well, I probably had a few moments, so I keyed the information up, and as it appeared in front of my eyes, my eyes widened in shock because the planet was rich. No, not just rich. Like, filthy, stinking, I’m a sultan with a million-dollar pillow I bought for my small dog, rich. There was gold, and platinum, and a million other rare earth metals as well as gemstones and everything else that could possibly be of value. Hell, if I was reading this right, there were pearls the size of my head.
There was just one catch. All of that vast wealth was not only deep below the ocean, but beneath the ground as well. That was the other thing the report told me. The planet was all ocean. In fact, there was no land to speak of whatsoever, and if I was reading the report right, it seemed like almost all non-ocean-dwelling life lived either in these sea tree forests or on large kelp mats.
“Did you know,” I said, breaking into the conversation between Queenie and the princesses, “that the shallowest section of the ocean on this planet is over twelve thousand meters deep?” To put that into perspective, the deepest known point in Earth’s oceans was the Mariana Trench, and that was just under eleven thousand meters deep.
“I am not sure what that means exactly,” Zemia said with a shrug. “It is so deep that none of my kind has ever reached the bottom, though there are many who have tried. It is simply so deep that between the natural predators down there and the pressure difference, none have made it.”
“Is it something you are going to try?” Elephelie asked as she studied my face. “Because I would warn against it. Though I have seen that you are quite formidable in battle, the beasts that live within the sea are as ruthless as they are large. They would make the Spiguar look no bigger than this.” She held her thumb and forefinger the barest millimeter apart.
“Well, I wasn’t planning on going down there personally,” I said with a wave. “I intend to send Queenie and Scout. We need to do a bit more in-depth scanning, and we can’t do that from this distance. Seems there’s a lot of good stuff down there, and I want to know where to best focus our efforts.”
“You can’t!” Elephelie squealed as she grabbed hold of Queenie’s arm protectively. “She will most certainly be eaten.”
“Possibly,” I said with a smirk. “But that’s not a problem, is it, Queenie?”
“It is not, master.” Queenie patted the princess on the head. “Even if I am killed, master will revive me with ease. After all, he has done so many times before. Do not be worried.”
“Okay…” Elephelie looked from Queenie to me and back again before switching her gaze to her sister. The two princesses seemed to communicate mentally for a few moments before they both nodded in unison. “We will trust your judgment in this manner.”
“Great.” I clapped my hands together. “Now, what’s say we round up Gobta and Hudson and get a proper layout of what this town has to offer?” I would have said more, but that was when my stomach rumbled audibly, which wasn’t all that surprising since I’d expended a truly ridiculous amount of calories over the last several hours.
“Master, would you like me to fetch you something to eat?” Queenie asked, and before I could even respond, my stomach rumbled again. “Oh no! You’re going to waste away!” As the Ant Queen’s face twisted in concern, she whirled to face the two princesses. “Where do you keep your food?”
And that’s when everything seemed to break down because the two Amorphie women looked at each other in confusion for a good long while, obviously doing that sister-silent-communication thing.
“I do not know if the High Priest has food stores, so you would have to ask him where they are if they exist… but it seems unlikely that they would.” Her gaze swept the room as if looking for some way to explain. “Our main source of food comes from harvesting the sea trees which grow all around us, so there is no need to store it.”
“Wait,” I said before Queenie could say anything, “That doesn’t make sense.” I tapped my teeth. “You have carnivorous jaws.” I didn’t add that the data I’d received from Melanie told me that the Amorphie were most certainly omnivores.
“Well, yes,” Elephelie’s entire body seemed to flush dark green. “We prefer meat and gain much more sustenance from it, but we would have to hunt that on the spot which is not tenable for an enclave of this side. It would involve catching large amounts of meat, and a great deal of it would definitely spoil before it could be used. Therefore, we tend to only have meat on special occasions. Though it is possible the High Priest does have hunters to bring in meat on a regular basis, there is no guarantee that they will have caught anything.” She shrugged. “It is simply easier for us to subsist off of sea tree fruit.”
“Well, where can I get master some of this fruit?” Queenie growled, and I’ll be honest, I didn’t hear the princesses' reply because I was thinking over what Elephelie had said.
The Amorphie couldn’t store meat. They most certainly required it, but if they had no way to store it, large cities such as this one probably relied largely on their version of agriculture. The question was why. Was it because the animals on this planet were too difficult to hunt and/or domesticate? Or was it because once they killed them, they didn’t actually know how to preserve meat? Hell, maybe they knew how and it was just difficult?
After all, other than a few intimate details, I didn’t know much about the Amorphie at all, and it was definitely time to find out.
23
“Okay, this is pretty damn tasty,” I said as I bit into the sea tree fruit. “It sort of tastes lik
e a combination of mango and watermelon.” I looked down at the neon pink flesh that had been revealed once the outside had been peeled away like an orange. “I can see why you would be content to live off this.”
“Yes,” Queenie mumbled because her mouth was so full of fruit that her cheeks bulged outward like a chipmunk. “It’s so yummy.” She smiled, and a bit of pink juice dribbled down her cheek. “Every bite makes the happy part of my brain sing.”
“That’s because the fruit has a sugar content of around fifty percent, which is pretty much the same as a bar of chocolate,” Melonie’s holographic image said as she relayed the details of the fruit’s composition to me. I’d had her check to make sure it was biocompatible with my digestive system, and after learning it was, I had chowed down while she’d done a more in-depth analysis.
“The crazy thing is that it actually has a lot of protein.” She pointed to a marker on the graph. “Around twelve percent of its total, actually. So, when they eat this, the sugar spikes their insulin, but because it’s otherwise just lean protein, it causes them to gain a bunch of muscle.” She laughed. “That explains why everyone who isn’t stick skinny is totally jacked.”
“Makes sense to me.” I laughed as I popped another piece into my mouth and chewed thoughtfully. “My trainer used to always make me mix Rice Krispies with my whey protein shakes for that reason, but only after I worked out.”
Melanie nodded before continuing like I hadn’t even spoken, which was fine, really. I had more fruit to eat.
“So, I suspect the real problem the Amorphie have is one of balance. They don’t have enough fats in their diet, and it’s probably causing all sorts of imbalances because the bio composition I found indicates they should be consuming at least forty percent of their calories from fat… and they’re just not.” She leaned closer. “Say, can you ask them what their average life expectancy is?”
