by Simon Archer
“What in the absolute fuck are you wearing?” Jane exclaimed as Jodie sauntered over to where we were preparing to leave for the dungeon.
“A chainmail bikini,” Jodie said with utter disdain in her voice. “What else would I wear while adventuring?”
It was a question I had no good answer for because as I turned to look at the catgirl, my mouth just sort of fell open in shock. Jodie stood there in a bikini that covered so little of her assets that the outfit would probably make Red Sonja self-conscious. Crazier still was that the bikini did, in fact, appear to be made of chainmail. At least its base was chainmail because I could see all sorts of glowing lights and flashing baubles attached to what little surface area there actually was.
“My eyes are up here,” Jodie said, and I realized I’d just been staring at her body this whole time. So, with much chagrin, I steadfastly pulled my eyes up to see that she was wearing a pair of thick black glasses that reminded me of Baroness from GI Joe except, well, she had fiery red hair and was a catgirl.
“I guess I sort of get the chainmail bikini in the ‘haha, I’m progressing ridiculous adventuring’ stereotypes,” Jane said very slowly. “But why did you feel the need to armor your tail and ears?”
“They’re sensitive,” Jodie replied as she reached up and touched one chainmail-clad ear. “And this isn’t normal chainmail. It’s made of a super-dense alloy that actually generates a personal shield that can stop attacks by absorbing kinetic energy.” Her ears twitched. “Then, after it absorbs said energy, I can release it with explosive force.” She did a quick twirl. “As such, the need for actual armor is minimal.”
“Because you have a personal shield?” Jane asked with an arched eyebrow.
“Exactly.” Jodie smirked. “I don’t see why you’re giving me such a hard time. You’re just wearing a cape. You don’t even have your googly bits covered.”
“I’m a slime girl who can’t actually wear clothing.” Jane frowned. “It actually saddens me because sometimes, I see such pretty things, and if I put them on, they just melt.”
“Are your women folk always this way?” Barnabas asked, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“What do you mean?” I asked as I looked at the resolute Amorphie. He was standing beside the princesses who, while waiting for us to go, had opted not to come. After all, if we all died, someone would have to lead the people. “They’re barely covered.” I gestured at Zemia and Elephelie.
“This is true, but it is also different.” He shrugged. “Your cat woman seems to feel the need to justify her outfit when its purpose is obvious and functional.”
“Yeah, well.” I just sighed. “I don’t know, man. I just work here. I’ve found it better to let women choose to wear whatever they like.”
“You are definitely wise,” Barnabas said then leaned in closer. “Just remember what I said. Stop at one child.”
“I’ll keep it in mind,” I said as I wondered whether or not I could actually get any of the women I’d met pregnant, should either of us have been so inclined.
“Do not just keep it in mind. Heed my advice.” Barnabus let out a long breath before his eyes sparkled, and an idea seemed to occur to him. “Unless you have a way to weaponize your offspring and use them for battle. Then my advice will change accordingly.”
“I don’t think I’d do that--”
“You could build an empire with your monster babies.” He spread his hands wide. “Who knows what abilities different women could give their offspring? It could be a thing, truly.”
“You went from saying I should have one child only to having me impregnate the galaxy at large pretty quickly…”
“Yes. I did, didn’t I?” Then, with that, he went back to checking his gear, and since he didn’t seem like he was going to say anymore, I turned my attention back to Jodie.
“So, I take it you’re coming?” I asked as the catgirl who stood beside Jane near where we had set up her portable Return Stone. “Not that I care, it’s just that I’m curious why you wanted to come.”
“Of course, I want to come. You need strong people for the dungeon, and I’m nothing if not strong.” She flexed her arms, revealing a pair of rippling biceps.
“I didn’t realize you could actually fight,” I said, somewhat taken aback. “I figured you were just an engineer.”
“That’s where you’re wrong,” she replied as she pulled what looked like a steampunk-style pistol from God only knew where. “I’m a fully licensed Tech Shaman.” She paused. “That means I use technology that is virtually indistinguishable from magic.” She patted her gun lovingly. “Like this baby uses a complex matter-generation core to combine atoms and molecules in unique ways to make ammunition on the fly, but to the casual observer, it just looks like I shoot elemental bullets.”
“That will be very useful,” Barnabas acknowledged as he moved toward the Return Stone. “Should our enemies wield an element similar to the ones we possess, we will still be able to damage them.” He hefted his new warhammer that I’d bought him for ten silver. “And that will give me time to cave in their skulls.”
“Fair enough,” I said as I looked from Jodie to Jane then settled my gaze on Barnabas. “My one worry is that we have exactly zero tanks or healers.”
“I’m not worried. You can summon your Minder Ants, can you not? I remember them being able to heal,” Jane said as she handed Jodie and me a pair of sea-green pills. “And I believe you have a variety of tanking creatures as well.”
“That’s true,” I said with a nod. “I suppose I’ll just stand in the back and coordinate everything.”
“You should do that anyway,” Jodie said right before she swallowed her pill. “If you die, we’ll not only lose you but Queenie and Gobta as well. Keeping you alive is the smartest thing we can do. Now, let’s get going.” She gestured at my pill.
“Right.” I jammed the pill into my mouth. It tasted like a combination of gumdrops and spearmint gum, which was both a bit odd and refreshing at the same time. Then I settled in for what I knew would happen next. In Terra Forma, I’d never exactly felt the change, but this was real life and not just a game.
Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait long because a moment later, glowing green gills manifested on my cheeks. I shook my head as I took a deep breath, satisfied that I could still breathe normal air. Then, after acknowledging the message that let me know I could now breathe underwater for the next four hours, I nodded to Jane.
“Thanks for the Underwater Breathing Pill.”
“You’re quite welcome.” She patted a pocket on her cloak. “I’ve brought a few more so we shouldn’t have to worry about running out, but either way, it would be better to get going now.” She looked around for the backpack she’d handed me earlier. “Have you stowed the supplies I sent in your inventory?”
“Yep. No reason to carry it around, and if I die, it will all spill onto the floor, anyway.” I smirked. “Hopefully, if that happens, it will be temporary.”
“Hopefully, it doesn’t happen at all,” Jane replied, and I couldn’t help but agree with that sentiment. Even with the Resurrection Deeds to bring us back should we die, it wasn’t like I wanted to experience death very much.
“Well, on that happy note, let’s get going,” I said as I pinged Queenie and Gobta who were waiting for us at the dungeon’s summoning stone. “Guys, we have everything ready, so go ahead and summon us.”
“As you wish, master,” Queenie responded promptly, and a moment later, glowing purple light surrounded the three of us.
Then I was torn down to my composite atoms and reassembled miles away. You’d have thought I’d be used to it by now, but nope, it still sucked donkey balls.
“Master, are you okay?” Queenie rushed over to me and grabbed my arm to help balance me as I tried not to swallow my own tongue or throw up all the food I’d ever eaten. “You look a bit green.”
“It’ll pass,” I gulped as I took a huge breath of seawater, which was disconcerting
in and of itself. Thanks to the Terra Forma pods use of that weird goop, I was used to breathing in oxygenated liquid, so I didn’t freak out or anything. That said, it was still weird as fuck to actually feel my gills work.
“I’ve changed my mind,” Jodie mewled as she got to her feet and shook herself. “I dislike being wet immensely.”
“I’m surprised your personal shield doesn’t protect you from that,” Jane replied as she strode toward the dungeon’s door, seemingly undisturbed by the teleportation.
“That would use too much power,” Jodie said with a frown. “And that would mean I’d need more batteries and therefore more clothes which would also get wet and stick to me.” She waved a hand. “It’d be a whole thing.”
“You were right, Garrett. This door can only be opened by an Amorphie.” Jane glanced back at where Barnabus was throwing up on the ground. “Seems you’re up, Ice King.”
“Give me a minute… hurk--” He dry heaved onto the floor of the cave for several seconds. “I feel as though my insides have been ripped apart.”
“It’ll pass,” I said as I looked at Jane. “Can you tell anything else about it? Like its level maybe?” I squinted at the door. “All I see are a bunch of question marks, which isn’t helpful.”
It was true. That could mean anything from me not having the skill to identify the type of dungeon to it being really high level to not having the key to open the door.
“I cannot.” Jane frowned. “That concerns me a bit, but if we all die, we’ll be resurrected, so I’m not too worried.”
“Yeah, we just lose all our stuff,” Jodie grumbled. “I totally wanna do that.”
“I think I’m okay,” Barnabas said as he pulled himself upright and looked at the door. “Oh, that’s interesting.”
“How so?” I asked as the Ice King approached the door and ran his fingers along the Amorphie symbols.
“It is written in the ancient text of the High Priests.” Barnabas pointed at a string of symbols that looked like gibberish to me. “If Hudson was here, he could likely translate it better, but I can get the gist of it. Just give me a moment.”
“My liege, would you like me to summon Hudson here?” Gobta asked as the Ice King set to work on the dungeon door’s translation.
“Perhaps, but let’s see what Barnabas can do.” I sighed. “I’d rather not risk the zombie because if he gets destroyed, we won’t be able to use him anymore, and he’s been rather instrumental in the negotiations.”
“I don’t think this is going to work,” Barnabas said a few minutes later. “You will need to bring the High Priest of Zorak here. He will have studied the ancient texts enough to translate this script.”
“Well, I guess it is what it is…” I turned toward Gobta. “Can you let him know?”
“I can do that, but he’s in Krawnfih, and it will take him several hours to travel to Zorak.” Gobta sighed.
“I suppose we will wait,” I grumbled.
“Master,” Queenie said as she looked at her feet. “I’m sure you’ve considered this, but maybe you could summon your version of the priest?”
As she said the words, I felt like a fucking idiot. This whole time we’d been using the zombie version of Hudson that Gobta had created, but I had also gotten the pattern for the High Priest and could, in theory, create one. I hadn’t originally because having two versions walking around would be weird but at the same time…
“Barnabas, I’m going to let you in on a secret,” I said as I summoned the High Priest from my Auric Pocket. “I made a copy of Hudson.”
“Interesting,” Barnabas said in a tone that conveyed complete disinterest. “Hopefully he is not as useless as the real one.”
“Guess time will tell.” I nodded to my version of Hudson. “Can you read that?” I pointed to the door.
“It would be my pleasure, my liege,” it was a bit weird because even though I knew he wasn’t the same Hudson I’d talked to before, he looked really similar. “I’ll be happy to assist.” Then he bounded over to the door and began examining it.
“Well, this is interesting.” He turned and shrugged. “It says not to open the doors unless you wish to face the wrath of the High Priests.” He shrugged. “But I don’t really care, so maybe it will be fine?” Then he made the weird religious symbol I’d seen him do from time to time.
“Does it say anything else?” I asked as I chewed on that nugget of information.
“Only that it can only be opened by an Amorphie Priest.” He pointed at a small hole in the door. “I just need to put my hand here.” He smiled brightly. “There’s a warning about certain doom, of course, but it just seems overly cautious to me.”
“Hmm… on the one hand, doing that seems dangerous, but on the other hand, you’re just made of concentrated Aura and can be resurrected, so go for it.” I couldn’t help but smile.
“Right you are, my liege. I’ll do it right now.” He shoved his hand into the door which caused it to turn bright fucking red a moment before giant flames burst from the hole, turning Hudson to ash and draining my Aura in the process. Fortunately, as he vanished from existence, the door did start to open, so it was a simple matter to resummon him once my Aura had regenerated.
“Well, that was a completely unforeseen turn of events no one could have ever expected to happen,” Hudson said as he reappeared in front of us. “I wonder what other things will happen to us inside.” He rubbed his hands together excitedly. “I, for one, am very excited to find out.”
36
The entrance to the dungeon was a huge stone room lit with iridescent green algae, and as I looked around to get a better grasp of the place, the door we’d come through slammed shut, sealing us inside.
You have entered a dungeon. This gate will not open until the dungeon’s boss has been defeated.
“Hey, what happened to Queenie, Gobta, and Hudson?” Jodie asked as she looked around. “Because I’m pretty sure we’ll need Hudson to figure out the puzzle over there.” She pointed at the wall directly across from us, which was absolutely covered in Amorphie writing.
“Dammit,” I cursed as I realized that entering the dungeon had despawned all my summons, which was made worse by the fact that all of them, the King Fishers, the ones back at Zorak, all of them were gone. “Give me a second, I just need to summon them.”
“We may not have a second!” Barnabas shouted and pointed toward the far-left corner of the room with his warhammer. “Something’s coming.”
He was right, of course. While I couldn’t tell what it was from here, I could see a shadowy figure descending from the darkness.
“We’ll deal with it,” Jodie said as she pulled out her magic gun and readied it. “You get the others summoned.”
That’s when the thing landed on the ground and took a few clacking steps toward us. It was some kind of crab Amorphie. The back half of the massive creature was a greenish-blue chitin crab body with spidery, segmented legs. The front half, though? Well, it, of course, had two giant crab claws that clacked with enough force for me to actually feel the vibration, and strangely, that was the more okay part of the whole thing because where its mouth would have been was the top half of an Amorphie. While most Amorphie were buff even by bodybuilder standards, this guy’s abs had abs, and even his abs’ abs had more abs than I did.
And that wasn’t even the worst part. No, the worst part was that where his nameplate should have been was just three golden question marks. Which of course meant that he was at least a dozen levels higher than us.
“So, you think you can come into my dungeon and just take my things?” The Amorphie snorted before doing a hair flip that caused his long golden locks to swirl around him in the water like an underwater Fabio. “That’s low, even for you, Barnabas of the Ice Kingdom.”
“Do you know this guy?” Jodie asked as she pointed her gun right at Crabface.
“Not so much,” Barnabas gripped his warhammer and took a menacing step forward, seemingly undeterred by the gi
ant crab monster. “I don’t know many half-crab monster people.”
“You don’t remember me?” Crabface said, touching his chest with one hand. “Why, I’m offended. After all, it was you who cleaved me from stem to stern with your bone axe.” He pouted. “You would think that would make you remember a man.”
“To be fair, I have cleaved a lot of people from stem to stern with my bone axe.” Barnabas shrugged. “It’s one of my things.” He hefted his warhammer. “Except now I have a warhammer made of the finest goblin steel one can own, so now, my thing will be crushing people into puddles.”
“Hmm… that would be true, I suppose, if not for one thing.” Crabface clattered closer until his claws were in snapping distance of the Ice King. “And it’s a really curious thing, to be fair.”
“That you’ll kill me, so I won’t have the opportunity?” Barnabas asked as I finished summoning Hudson. Originally, I’d wanted to summon Gobta or Queenie because they were obviously better warriors, but then I thought about something. We needed to crack the code on the wall, and there was only one person who could do that.
“Precisely!” Crabface hollered and threw his hands toward the sky. Then he began to cackle like a crazy person which would have been irritating at best if it didn’t cause the water to drain from the room an instant before giant flaming crabs materialized all around us. “Kill them, my crab people!” Then the bastard skittered back up the wall and disappeared into the darkness above.
“Fuck,” I muttered as I glanced at my nearly empty Aura bar with dismay. “Hudson, translate that far wall.”
“That’s an excellent idea, my liege,” the High Priest said before skipping across the room without a care in the world.
And that would have been bad because several of the Flame Crabs were skittering toward him. Fortunately, Jodie’s gun’s water blasts doused their flames, leaving them exposed.
“Smash!” Barnabas cried a moment later as he brought his warhammer down on their steaming, chitin shells.
“I’ll douse ‘em, you crush ‘em!” the metal bikini-clad catgirl said as she doused another crab.
